So You're Taking Your Kids Out in Public...

Apparently there are a lot of people out there with kids. I know because I am forced to endure their noise while I'm out to dinner / avoid them with my grocery cart / wait for them to pick a fucking candy bar / take the stairs instead of the escalator due to all sorts of kid-based shenanigans. Now I'm not advocating an end to reproduction, as that would probably lead to the end of humankind (although to be fair we're doing a pretty good job of steering the world in that direction anyways). I just think that maybe you should train your kids better. Is that the right word? Train? Maybe I mean that your kids should fear your wrath and not act like stupid assholes all the time. Like a wise man once said,* "it's easy to make a kid, but it's actually a lot of work to raise one." People seem to only remember the first part.

Because I am a helpful guy, I decided to make this handy guide to the probability of your kid(s) behaving in a public setting, converted into a percentage. Let's face it; if you aren't already aware of this, any non-percentage based probabilities are probably far behind your level of comprehension.

Grocery Store - 0%
Do not bring your kids to the grocery store. They are going to behave for roughly 13 seconds, and then the rest of the trip is going to be miserable. And not just for you. For everyone around you, like the old couple that is just trying to find their Metamucil except your little bastard keeps bumping their cart, which they're using as support in place of their cane (which is almost certainly laid across the top). That guy is probably a war veteran, and he probably wishes he was back in Korea instead of dealing with this bullshit. At least in Korea he could shoot people.

CVS - 60% (Maybe?)
If my trip to CVS takes longer than 6 minutes, something has gone terribly wrong, so this figure may be slightly inflated by the fact that I don't get to witness the entirety of the shopping trip. Most parents can keep their kids under control that long as long as their is a chance the kid is getting something from the candy rack at the front of the store. As soon as the candy is out of play, I'm guessing shit is about to get real. Real loud.

Restaurant (Your Choice) -  negative 100%
This figure represents the fact that not only is your kid going to ruin your night, he (or she, but let's be honest, the worst kids at restaurants are always boys) is also going to fuck up my date night. My wife and I work a shitload of hours every week, with her saving lives and helping sick people and me making the world a better (smelling) place, and all we want is one nice dinner together that isn't pasta, and you can't even give us that. You're a real selfish jerk.

Restaurant (Kid's Choice) - N/A
Are you seriously letting your kid pick the restaurant? No wonder you have such a hard time with discipline. No 4-year-old should be calling the shots. Grow up, Peter Pan.

Mall (Single Store) - 75%
If you are just hitting up Sears really quickly to grab a pair of pants, you're golden. Get in, get the pants, get the fuck out. Don't try them on, just guess. The clock is ticking here.

Mall (Multiple Stores) - 0%
Yeah, now you're fucked. The instant you walk into the mall, a kid has some kind of universal internal clock that all kids have at the mall. I am not sure of the timer on this thing, but trust me when I tell you it's short, and the result when it hits zero is going to be messy. Whether it's some kind of escalator-based jackassery, or hiding in the clothes racks at Macy's, or some sort of food court screaming fit, shit is going to be hitting the fan. Actually, that fan/shit meeting may also be a literal possibility depending on the age of your kid.

Feel free to print this handy guide out and use it whenever you're considering ruining someone else's day just because you don't want to pay the babysitter.

-Jon

*It was me. I said that. And it's as true today as it was then. Just look at all those dumb bitches on Teen Mom.