Maybe It's Because You Suck?

If I could make one Facebook request, it would be that people learn when to use apostrophes. Or that Bitstrips were gone. Or maybe that people would stop trying to have any kind of political discourse. Jesus, why do I even use Facebook?

Ok, let's focus on this week's most annoying thing about Facebook, which is people who post stupid shit like, "Oh, thanks for inviting me" or anything like that about events to which they apparently were not invited. And based on their whiny post, my guess is that their invite went missing because they suck. Seriously, how entitled to you have to be to think that you should be invited to all these things? Do you really think these people want your bitchy ass on their vacations with them? Or at dinner? Or really anywhere? I'm shocked that you haven't been deleted from their Friend list, and slightly less surprised that no one has just straight out deleted you from life.

I am going to run a mini-experiment, which is probably going to cause me a great deal of annoyance. Since someone today complained about not being invited to something that they had probably previously expressed no interest whatsoever in, I am going to see if the idiotic friends of my friends can go one week without the words "thanks" "invite" and "me" appearing together. If they do, I will celebrate by drinking a beer or three. And if they can't, I will mourn the stupidity of the world with a beer or three. And maybe delete Facebook. I can only imagine that decision freeing up some time in my life and decreasing the amount of annoying things I deal with substantially. Facebook: Making the World Stupid Day by Day. It's their unofficial slogan.

-Jon

Oh You Silly Rappers...

You guys say the most ridiculous things.

There are lots of good rappers. Well, probably less now than there were back when I used to listen to more rap, but at least some of them probably don't suck. Mostly because I bet some of the guys I listened to before still rap. But sometimes, whether it's because they need to squeeze words into a particular rhyme scheme or just because they've got nothing else that works, they say things that are just ridiculous. And yeah, most of these are going to be old since all old music is better than all new music. It's just a rule of nature.

"I woke up out that coma 2001 / Bout the same time Dre dropped 2001" - The Game

First off, using the same word or phrase isn't really rhyming. But more importantly, the unfortunately titled album 2001 was actually released in November of 1999, whereas The Game (who apparently only goes by Game now) was in a coma in October of 2001. I would think that someone who claims to have so much respect for West Coast rap would be more aware of that fact.

"I'm sick, you couldn't measure my dick with six rulers." - Big Punisher

I'm not sure if Big Pun (may he rest in peace) if suggesting that he possesses a 6-foot wang, but that's just ridiculous. The logistics alone would be unmanageable. He'd need a completely custom wardrobe, although he might need that anyways being of the... overweight persuasion, not to mention that anytime he got "excited" he'd be risking an assault charge.

Hey, I'm all for ridiculous bravado and outrageous exaggerations, but this seems really uncomfortable.

"Fifty fear no man, warrior, swing swords like Conan." - 50 Cent

"So the pen is mightier than the sword, my Lord" - Jay-Z

At first glance, neither of these lyrics seems absurd. However, you might notice that have one word in common. And the ridiculousness of both of them stem from that common word, "sword," which both rappers pronounce with heavy emphasis on the "W." Maybe in 50's case, he's trying to preserve the alliterative effect of the phrase "swing swords," but I can't figure out the reasoning behind Jay-Z's awful pronunciation. Maybe I just don't understand rap music's deeper meanings, like intentionally mispronouncing common words.

"In this white man's world, I'm simular to a squirrel" - 50 Cent

Nope, that's not a typo. He really says "simular."

Another 50 Cent quote, and from the same song as the previous one. He's not the only rapper to make this ear-grating vowel transposition, but he's the one that stuck out most prominently in my mind. There's no "U" in similar, and there never was. It's like the person is trying to mix "similar" and "simulate" into one word.

Changing a vowel can have drastic consequences as well. The phrase, "Wow, I took like 8 shots in a row at the bar last night!" has a whole new meaning if you switch the "O" in shots to an "I"...

"What's next? What's next? What's N-X-E-T?" - Warren G

Seriously? I mean... what is this supposed... how can you just... I mean it's not even... sigh.

Did nobody listen to these tracks before the CD came out? Or, potentially worse, did people listen to them and not notice this glaring error? I guess lyrics don't come with spellcheck.

This is just a tip of the iceberg, as I didn't even feature anything from Wu-Tang, who spit some of the most absurd claims ever to be captured on record. Or from Lil Wayne, who I avoided just on principle, but I'm sure could provide enough fodder for his own featured appearance. Which he won't get. Because I hate his music.

-Jon

This Needs to Stop

This may have been addressed in previous facebook rantings (I'll be damned if I'm actually going to check), but lately I've noticed a lot more of this terrible trend. I'm speaking of course about the facebook status that goes a little something like this.

Dear somebody who is obviously not my facebook friend,
Your feet smell. Please put your shoes back on. Nobody wants to smell your stankass feet.
Sincerely,
Passive Aggressive Bitch

Seriously? C'mon man. Now, you may be trying to be funny so that all of your friends can LOLZ at how witty and clever you are. Brief aside, I'm not sure why there's a "Z" in LOL. But then again, I"m not sure why people use LOL. I much prefer a simple "haha." But maybe that's just me. But getting back to these PAB (passive aggressive bitches), if you're really upset enough to write some whack-ass status about how angry you are, instead of just being a PAB, why don't you just do something to rectify the situation. Like a PAB I saw on facebook had this as her status update:

Dear General Practitioner in the horrid dress,
Having your MD does not entitle you to talk to me like I'm an idiot, at least I'm smart enough not to wear that dress

Vomit. Let's ignore the fact that you may be an idiot because it should be "don't speak to me like I'm an idiot" not "talk to me like I'm an idiot," because hey, speaking properly is overrated. So fuck it. Let's also ignore the fact that you're clearly a bitch and are mocking someone's attire to an online community who has no idea what the fuck you're talking about. "Oh was her wearing an ugggly dresss. LOLZ" Ignoring both of those for the sake of brevity, let's tackle the real issue at hand. If you feel offended/strongly enough that you put this as your status update, instead of being a PAB why don't you just address the issue. If someone speaks to you like you're an idiot, just saying something like, "Hey, I don't appreciate being spoken to like that," and either two things will happen.

Either,
A.) They'll continue to speak to you like you're a moron. She may do that thing where she acts like she's not being a bitch, but really she's really being a patronizing bitch. You know what I mean. But at least you'll be able to have some standing if you decide to complain. You can say that you tried remedying the situation, but she continues to be demeaning.

or

B.) There's always the slight chance that she may treat you like a human being. Slight chance. Call it 3.56% likely. I like this option better because in that case, I don't have to see your stupid ass status update.

But then again, they won't do anything because they're a passive aggressive bitch.

Also, funny thing. You almost never see this kind of thing from a guy . . . well . . . I mean straight guys.

And yes, I see the hypocrisy in writing a blog post telling people who don't read this blog to stop doing something instead of just telling those people they should stop doing something. But on facebook I either just unfriend them or block them because as Ron White once said, you can't fix stupid. And I wrote this blog mostly so that you people can have a nice LOLZ.

I still don't get why the "Z" is there.

-Slick

Theory Vs. Application:

A Study of the Human Response to Several Common Stimuli In the Area of Automobile Piloting and Navigation

With my move to the northern portion of the state, I find myself driving a bit more than I did while living in the more Portuguese section of western Massachusetts. Not only does this give me many more opportunities to hate other people, I am almost positive that it's going to be taking several years off my lifespan. On the plus side, it gives you the opportunity to read some high quality ranting. The following is based on a completely (non)scientific study.

Situation: A police car parked in a construction zone on the highway, lights flashing

What people should be thinking: I should be driving carefully, as the road conditions may not be up to handling the normal speed limit with this construction.

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, a cop!!!! I'm already going 20 mph below the speed limit, but I'd better slow down to 5 mph just to be safe!!

Situation: On a two-lane highway, a sign warns that one lane is closing a mile ahead

What people should be thinking: I probably should move over to the open lane within the next mile.

Actual thought process: Wait, what did that say? Eh, probably not important. Oh shit, my lane is ending! Guess I'll just cut this guy off and give him a thank you wave as he pulls into the guard rail.

Situation: A police officer has a car pulled over

What people should be thinking: I should move over, or if I can't, I should slow down

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, a cop!!! I need to drive as slow as possible to make sure he doesn't think I'm speeding just in case he decides to let that person off the hook, jump into his cruiser, and come pull me over instead. Plus then I can try to see if he pulled over a black guy.

Situation: A yield sign

What people should be thinking: If anyone is coming, I need to let them go first. Otherwise, it's my turn.

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, another car!!! I'd better floor it and get in front of it just so that I can get to my destination 2 seconds sooner. Safety be damned!!

Situation: A green traffic light changes to yellow

What people should be thinking: If it's safe to do so, I should stop. Otherwise, I should proceed cautiously through the intersection.

Actual thought process, option 1: Holy fucking shit, a yellow light!!! I'd better mash this gas pedal and blow through this intersection. I'm too important to be doing things like waiting at lights.

Actual thought process, option 2: Holy fucking shit, a yellow light!!! I'm going to stomp on my brakes and miss the stop line by a full 15 feet, blocking the crosswalk.

In case you're wondering, I witnessed all 5 of these situations today in a single trip to the dentist and back. Living up here is going to kill me.

-Jon

A Year of New England Weather...

as told by Facebook. Where possible, I tried to write with the lack of intelligence present in 80% of Facebook posts, so that's why there are so many typos.

January 3rd - Once Christmas is over, winter is kind of stupid...

January 8th - Snow!!!!1!!! :) <3

January 27th - Soooooooo siiick of snow!! :(

February 2nd - Fuck you groundhog I dont want 6 more weeks of winter!!!!!!

March 5th - Almost spring!!!!

March 21st - OMG SPRING IS HERE!!! Time to dress like a skank!! (The second sentence is only for females, and is implied but not usually written)

March 30th - If this is suposed to be spring, how come its still only 40 degrees out?!?

April 6th - Snow? Seriously? God damit!!

April 20th - Soooooooo siiiiiick of rainnnnn!!

May 15th - Can't wait for summahhhhh!!

May 28th - More rain?? How can it rain this much?

June 12th - Hooray! Summer!!

June 21st - Woohoo! First day of summer!! (This one is doubly dumb since most people have already claimed it to be summer AND then post about the actual first day of summer. People suck.)

June 25th - I love summer!!

June 26th until August 31st - Alternate between complaining about the heat and complaining when it's raining.

September 1st - Bye bye summer... :(

October 12th - Wow, this is way too [pick hot or cold] for October!!

November 5th - Not looking forward to the cold weather...

December 1st - Christmas! Snow! Hooray winter!!

December 18th - First snowfall!! I <3 snow!!!!!!!!!

December 27th - I hate the cold!! :( Is it almost spring yet?

And that about does it. I should make up a checklist and see how close my randomly made up dates are to when I find something similar to this on my News Feed. That might be a fun game for like... 15 minutes or so.

-Jon

Random June Thoughts - Part 2

This should have been expected after the last post was titled "Part 1."

• My laptop gets hot. Like, ridiculously, leave my thigh red from the heat hot. I have taken to resting it on an ice pack on a pillow sometimes. Does this seem like a problem to anyone else? It reminds me of this Penny Arcade comic. A penis panini does not sound like a good thing.


• Has anyone else seen the commercial for the 3DS version of Ocarina of Time with Robin Williams? He is rocking one of the most epic beards I have ever seen on a movie star! He also has a daughter named Zelda, which the commercial says he named after the character from the series. If that's true, that is awesome.


• I don't understand the business model of the ice cream truck. How is it possible to sell enough ice cream to pay for the gas to drive around my neighborhood all day playing that obnoxious song? I almost never see anyone buying any ice cream either. This leads me to the obvious conclusion that the ice cream truck is a front for illegal drug running. Nothing else makes sense.


• The Facebook app on my phone was being disagreeable the other day by telling me I had 2 unread notifications even though I couldn't find them anywhere in my message list. Being the completely rational person I am, instead of calmly searching for a solution to the annoyance of having a message indicator at the top of my phone for 4 hours, I deleted every single Facebook message and, when that still didn't work, deleted the whole app. Yeah, that's how I get down. Ok, yes, I reinstalled it a little later. But I think I put a healthy fear into it about how I'm not going to take this kind of nonsense in the future. Jon 1, phone 0.


• If you ever have a common household item that you want to get rid of but don't want to pay a fee at the dump (which I think are called "transfer stations" now... what's up with that?), just leave it in front of my mom's house. We put a crappy old grill out there, and it was gone in an hour. And last week we put Kathryn's dirty old couch out there, and it was gone in 45 minutes. Apparently people really like free stuff.

Stupid Face Story of the Week

Why can't people on Facebook successfully quote music? You clearly have internet access, so just look up the damn words!! And stop quoting rap songs about having tons of money if you don't. I seriously doubt that you're "up in the club" or "making it rain" on a Wednesday night.

-Jon

Random June Thoughts - Part 1

I was going to post this a couple days ago, but the Slick had to show up and actually write something, so I thought I might feel bad if I immediately pushed his post down. And if there's one thing I try to avoid, it's feeling bad. Well, that and scurvy.

Just for the sake of doing it, all thoughts will be posed in the form of a question.

• Do you think that the people who make cherry candy have ever actually eaten a cherry? There's pretty much no overlap in flavors there at all. But no one has a problem with that. Have you ever met someone who picked up an actual cherry to eat, but then spit it out because it doesn't taste like the candy? Side note - don't spit cherry pits at people, because they will stain their shirts and they will get mad at you.


• Did you ever notice that both Randy Johnson's real name and his nickname "The Big Unit" have wang references in them? Well you did now! Every time you see him on a Geico commercial, you're going to think of wangs now.


• Why is opening a checking account such a major ordeal? It should be like a 10 minute project. I give the bank some dollars, they give me a bank account number and mail me some checks. Instead it takes about the same amount of time it takes to get seen at the ER at Baystate. Haha, hospital burn!


• Are calf socks suddenly cool? I'm not talking about the socks that some basketball players wear that come up almost to their knees. I mean socks that go about 6 inches up people's calves. I see people wearing them all the time, and I laugh (usually to myself) every time. Seriously, they look terrible.


• Why do people break their cell phones so much, and, more importantly, why do they have to broadcast this fact on Facebook? I think that if you break your cell phone in a non-awesome way, you should be put on a technology hiatus for 2 weeks. So if your phone is toast because you jumped off a bridge to save a drowning person, that's cool. But if it's broken because you dropped in it your beer? Sorry, no more fancy toys for you. Maybe then you'll be more responsible. Know how many times I've broken a cell phone in the last 8 years? Zero. And I'm probably the most likely person to break one based on my track record of being unable to keep myself out of harm's way. Basically what I'm saying here is that people are stupid.

Stupid Facebook Story of the Week

People are constantly leaving their computer logged in to Facebook or not paying attention to their cell phones, and their friends, appropriately, put up hilarious statuses that usually revolve around buttsex. Um, instead of commenting on the status that it wasn't you that wrote it, why not just delete it? Fools...

-Jon

Reservations are...

dumb.

I am of course referring to reservations at restaurants and not the place where the government stuck Native Americans in order to put them out of sight and therefore feel less guilty about stealing all their land and polluting the environment.

Kathryn and I tried to go to her favorite restaurant for a nice romantic dinner only to find out that they didn't have anything available because people had reserved all their tables. Well, that's just stupid. Wouldn't you rather have 2 people who are already in the restaurant rather than the potential of 2 people coming later? What if those people cancel? Then you'll probably feel pretty stupid that you didn't serve us instead of telling us that you're just super busy right now and we can't eat there.

We ended up going to a different restaurant that had a table available but still had several tables empty with "Reserved" signs sitting on them. Guess what? At least one of those parties canceled their reservation. I guess they should have given that table to someone who actually showed up instead of saving it for people who might come. But because they cling to the stupid idea of letting people reserve seats that they may not take, they may have lost out on customers. How foolish.

Now, I understand taking reservations for big parties. But if you've got a restaurant with very limited seating, and you do enough business that you feel like taking reservations is necessary, then you probably are popular to the point that you'll fill the restaurant without actually needing the reservations. Whatever happened to the good old days of first come, first served? This country is getting soft.

Stupid Facebook Story of the Week

Someone in my news feed posted (grammar and spelling has been corrected to protect my sanity): I don't get the big deal about Angry Birds. I just beat the whole game in 30 minutes.

Oh really? In 30 minutes, or 1800 seconds, you beat all 243 levels? Ignoring the fact that to actually beat the game, you have to get a 3-star score on every level, that would mean that this person spent an average of only 7.4 seconds on each level. Yeah, I call bullshit on this one.

And, in a segment I'm stealing from Slick, my jam of the week is Bonne Maman Strawberry Preserves. Try some on a fresh croissant. You won't be disappointed.

-Jon

You Thought This Was Dead?

That's just silly. Now, I can't speak for the other yokels that generate posts here, but I have just had a fairly uneventful few weeks and didn't want to bore you with the mundane nature of my life. There was plenty of new stuff happening at Mmmm, beers!, and I believe I ate 6 burgers last month, so it's not like you were starved for content. Or "Jon-tent," as I have often called it.*

Fortunately for you, I have a few new things to discuss. This will be the Quick Hits version, and, depending on how I feel, each of these topics may get its own longer post later on.

Endgame by Rise Against is...

fantastic. Great album, and definitely worth every penny I paid for it. All 12 songs (13 if you got the iTunes bonus track) are in the running for best of the album, so that's saying something. If this is not your kind of music, you might suck, so just go back to listening to your crappy country garbage and don't ever talk to me about music again. For everyone else, you should acquire this somehow (legally of course) and let it rock your face off.**

Extreme Couponing is...

ridiculous. Really, you need 66 bottles of mustard? I'm pretty sure my family hasn't used that much mustard in my entire lifetime. I'll grant that the concept is pretty cool, because I would absolutely like to save 90%+ on the cost of my groceries. But the sheer absurdity of some of the purchases combined with the almost laughable forced drama (oh no, the cash register can only handle 500 scans in one transaction, and they have more than that!!!) makes me feel like I have to mock every single person on the show. Including the people in the background.

The government is...

shutting down? Or maybe already shut down? I don't really know, because I don't really care. I may have discussed how dumb the government is in the past (check the "government" tag for more on this), so my opinion of this shutdown is that it's probably for the best. I'm like 85% sure that Chloe and Odin could run things more efficiently than Congress. More nums for everyone!!

The Red Sox are...

sort of terrible so far. At least they've finally won a game, and it was at the Yankees expense, so that's always nice. One of the big things Remy and Orsillo were talking about during one of the games was whether or not it was too early to panic. In my opinion, it's never too early to panic. Panicking is awesome! Except for when I had that actual panic attack at the bar with Alex, Lindsey the Runner, and a couple other people whose names I forgot. That sucked. But panicking in other situations is great, especially when you yell random stuff, run around crazily and maybe throw a folding chair. Plus, being able to panic about sports means the rest of your life is probably not going too badly.

I will leave you with 2 things, which will hopefully A) make you laugh, and B) make you sad about people.

1. A person asked what NASCAR stood for on Yahoo! Answers, and the first response was "Not A Sport, Centered Around Rednecks." Haha, take that NASCAR.
2. Someone in my News Feed had the following as their status: "watching a movie and eating eminems". First off, I'm pretty sure there's only one Eminem. Secondly, and more importantly, you should not advertise your cannibalism on Facebook. Now everyone's going to know!!

People huh? I'll never understand them.

-Jon

* I've actually never used this word. But I like it.

**Actual face rocking may vary. My face is still intact after a couple dozen listenings, so you'll probably be fine.

Facebook Makes Me Sad, Still

Seriously, why do I use this stupid thing? Oh right, to make obnoxious comments on other people's statuses, and to occasionally try to get other people to laugh from my witty observations about the minutiae of everyday life.

Last time things got way out of control, but there's just so much to hate about other people that I couldn't reel it in. In order to try to keep this edition to a more moderate length, I'll be using the sweet bulletpoint feature. Spellcheck tells me that "bulletpoint" is actually two words, but Spellcheck and I aren't on speaking terms right now because Spellcheck is a lazy sack of monkey turds. This will be addressed shortly.

• Apostrophes are not just a fancy keyboard feature. Give them a try! But be judicious in their use. For example, "Looking at new car's!!!" is not an appropriate apostrophe use, mostly because apostrophes aren't for pluralization. They're for contractions and possession. And to make it hard to decide between "its" and "it's."
• Your and you're are different words with different meanings that are not interchangeable. Same goes for the there, their and they're triplets. Oh, and to and too. I am leaving out two because if you screw up the word form of the number 2 with actual words, you might actually be the dumbest person on the planet. I get physically ill reading anything where these are mixed up. So knock it off.
• Last time, I addressed hiding people from the News Feed. After that, I had a change of heart because that seemed mean. Now, if someone pollutes my Feed with a bunch of misspelled nonsense, I just defriend them. It feels more humane.
• What's up with this new photo foolishness? It's weird, and I don't like change.
• Stop putting the lyrics from Taylor Swift followed by "tswift <3" as your status. Also, stop putting the chorus to "Fuckin' Perfect" by Pink. Nobody's perfect. And even when people say someone's perfect to them, there's really always something they'd change. Partly because it's impossible to be perfect, and partly because people are never satisfied with what they have. Like me with Facebook.
• Spellcheck your stupid posts, and reread them before posting. I understand that the letters on the keyboard are all near each other, but it makes it seem like you shouldn't leave the house without a helmet when you write things like "out wiyh my best friens!!"

Spellcheck should be required everywhere that text is entered. Granted, it won't fix typos that generate new, incorrect words, but at least it's a start. I think if you try to post something with misspellings, a notice should pop up that says "You're about to look stupid in front of a bunch of people. Continue?" And then if you click yes, a boxing glove on a spring hits you in the face.

On the plus side, a fun thing to do is to go back a couple years on a friend's wall to comment on things with a similar date. For example, find a highly commented news post from March 2009 and make a comment. I guarantee hilarity, confusion or both will follow. For added fun, start clicking "Like" on everything to really mess with them.

Damn it, Facebook, one of these days you're going to lose me. Then you'll only have 642,499,999* users left. Keep it up, jerks.

-Jon

* This figure is from the end of February. It's probably well out of date by now.

Reply vs Reply All

Here at Mmmm, opinions, we try to be as helpful as possible without actually doing work. Today I'm here to improve your email abilities!

Have you ever gotten an email that actually requires a response? I know it's hard to believe, but occasionally one will slip in between the requests from Nigerian princes and the offers for free Viagra. You might have noticed that you have two options: "Reply" and "Reply All." Guess what! They aren't the same thing.

In case you are a moron, let's quickly go over the difference between the two. Clicking "Reply" will send a response only to the original sender of the email. In general, this is what you want to do, as there is a 96% chance that nobody else in the world gives a flying crap about what you have to say. Clicking "Reply All," on the other hand, will send a response email to the original sender and everyone else who got the original email. This is probably most likely to be used in a business context, or when trying to organize a group activity through email. And let's face it, that second one almost never succeeds.

Still confused? Well, your borderline mental handicap aside, maybe a story will help.

This story is completely hypothetical, of course. The imaginary email will be in italics.

Hey all,

Looking for 2 people to help run a cross-country meet on Smarch 3rd. Let me know if you're available.

Sincerely,

Joe Coachguy

Now, which response do you think is appropriate? If you chose "Reply," congratulations! You aren't a moron. If you chose "Reply All," you're probably one of the fools that officiates a sport with me and annoys me on an annual basis. Guess what! Myself, and probably everyone else who officiates, doesn't care that you are available on that date. And we don't need your stupid emails clogging up our inboxes. I, for one, have important stuff to do. Like helping Nigerian princes get their money out of their war-torn homelands.

Man, I am waiting on like 12 of those guys. What is taking them so long?

-Jon

I Hate People

I am sure that my misanthropic tendencies are widely known, so maybe this can become a regular feature. Or not. I am more of a fan of coming up with new ideas than I am of continuing them due to what I can only assume is a short attention span. What was I talking about?

Oh right. People suck. Especially this next guy/girl.

For some reason, I was reading about the weather on WWLP, and for some other reason I must have had some sort of aneurysm and decided to read the comments. Side note - why does everything have a "Comments" section? Obviously this site needs them because I like making snarky comments and would appreciate them from our reader, but I am not sure a weather story on WWLP.com needs them. Side note concluded. There was one particular comment there that not only made me sad because it was so poorly written, but also because I think the person writing it might be one of the dumbest people I've ever encountered.

At any rate, I think it's time to verbally lacerate this person. Or whatever the written equivalent of verbal is. The original text is in the different font. And has less swearing.

I would rather see the snow banks, I wash my car 3 or 4 times a week and hate to get it all dirty and wet again after I wash it.

First off, that first comma should be a period. A semi-colon might be ok, except that the second sentence isn't really related to the first. Way to write, jerkoff. Secondly, who in their right mind washes their car that often? I don't even wash myself that frequently.

My next door neighbors car is all rusted out because of all the salt on the road.

Try "neighbor's." Come on! Every keyboard has apostrophes. Give them a try.

I went down to store the other day and had to rewash it because of another car hit a big puddle and it was sand and salty.

This sentence gives me a headache. I assume that "store" is a car wash. And if you want your car to be clean for the entire winter, you have two choices. Keep it in the garage until spring, or cover it in some sort of car coat. This is New England; we get snow.

Hope it stays down in temp for a few more months like 10 or 12 degrees.

If the temperature stays in the teens until May, I will absolutely lose my mind. You'll see me wandering the streets wearing 3 coats, swearing at snowbanks and throwing snowballs at passersby. Or I'll be hibernating in my room with flannel sheets.

I keep my house at 84 degrees and my garage stays at 76 to keep my car warm.

Holy shit! That's too hot even for Kathryn, and she wraps up in blankets during the summer! And the garage is 76°!! This guy is obviously having an affair with his car. At this point, I am starting to think this is some asshole making shit up.

Oil has only costed me about $9,700.00 so far this winter so its not too bad here. I do heat my indoor swimming pool to so we can swim everyday. Maybe I should sign up for fuel assitance this year.

Let's ignore the fact that "costed" isn't even supposed to be a word. Do you see that dollar amount? What the fuck?!? That's more than I've spent on heating in the 5 years since I've moved out. Obviously this guy heats his pool, since that's completely relevant. And I swear to God, if they give out fuel "assitance" (which is probably like assistance, except for assholes) to jackoffs who keep their house at the same temperature as the Brazilian rainforest, I'm starting a riot. Let me know beforehand, and I'll loot you something nice.

I need to keep my money in the bank to make interest and not spending it all on oil and electric. Electric cost here is around 1,100.00 a month, guess thats not that bad.

Step 1 for saving money: turn the fucking heat down. And holy shit again, $1100 a month on electric? Does this guy wake up every morning and turn on every light and appliance in his house? That's almost a full year's electricity bill where I come from. Again, this is a brain-hemorrhage-inducing pair of sentences with a nonsense first sentence, another comma splice and another missing apostrophe.

Wilbraham is a tough place to live in because of the high taxes and things.

Yes, unlike other places in Massachusetts which are tax-free. Maybe you could save some of your oil and electricity money and use it to move to an easier place to live. Like downtown Springfield.

Got to go now as I have to fly to California tonight with my better half to have a nice supper and homemade chocolate pudding. Let it snow more and no rain. :)

What the fuck is going on in this sentence? He's flying to California for dinner? Man, I think it's a big deal when I go all the way to Northampton, and this guy's flying across the damn country. With his better half no less. Which, if you've forgotten, is his car that has probably been washed twice today. I like that he ends things with a smiley face, because I'm picturing this guy as a smiling jackass, batting at the keyboard with his hands and going, "Derrrrrrr!!?!?" any time letters appear on the screen.

Well, that was fun. If you really want to spice things up, try reading just his part all at once. But make sure you've taken some aspirin or something first, because there's a good chance that it will cause a blood clot or heart attack. Don't say I didn't warn you.

-Jon

NBA Fans are. . .

obviously morons.

Yao Ming was voted as the starter for the Western Conference All-Star team. Yes, the Yao Ming for the Houston Rockets who played in a grand total of 5 games this year before getting hurt. The Yao Ming whose stats for the year are 51 points, 27 rebounds, 8 blocks and 4 assists. Total. That guy was elected to the All-Star team. As a starter. That's a major kick in the junk to every other starting center in the Western Conference. Granted, he's 15 of 16 from the free throw line. Apparently you just can't put a high enough value on that kind of performance.

Not elected to the All-Star team? Kevin Love, who in one game this year had 31 rebounds, which would be more than Yao's season total. He's also averaging 21.4 points per game, which more than doubles Yao's measly 10.2. Maybe Love's problem is that he's listed as a power forward and has to go for votes against guy's like Pau Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki and Blake Griffin. And also that the Western Conference isn't starting a power forward, which is just strange.

Also a moron is the guy who wrote an article about the All-Star team snubs and mentioned Joakim Noah. Now, I'm obviously biased against Noah because he's not on the Celtics and looks ridiculous, but I'm a reasonable person so I'll listen to the argument for his place on the squad. Until the guy supporting him (who is a writer for ESPN and not some random schmo) ends his blurb with the following sentence.

Thanks to injury, he has played just 24 games, and a lot of Chicago's best ball has come with Noah in funky street clothes.

So the team is playing great, and possibly better, without him, but he's an All-Star? Not buying it.

And sorry, NBA fans, you had your chance and you blew it. The All-Star game shouldn't be a popularity contest. It's not a high school election.

*UPDATE* - David Stern, the NBA commissioner, obviously reads this blog. It was just announced in the last couple hours that Yao's spot will be filled by Kevin Love since obviously Yao won't actually be attending due to injury. Thanks for reading, Dave!

-Jon

Dumb Stats That Shouldn't Be Used (Sports Edition)

I'm no statistician.

In fact, I've taken 2 Stats classes at UMass and went to like 11 of those classes combined. I don't like to show off and get the A. I'll settle for the C sometimes. Anyway, even though I'm not a statistician, I do recognize how dumb some stats are that mainstream sports analysts/casters use. And after this lesson from Pat the Intern, you can too.

Dumb Stat #1: Win-Loss Record

You may think I'm a bitter Jets fan and think I'm only saying this to take a shot at Tom Brady. However, I'm actually a huge New England Patriots fan, and I believe that he is one of the best QBs to ever play the game. However, he is not a great QB because he "wins games." Using a statistic that measures team performance for a person is dumb. There are way too many variables in a football game to give only one person credit. Granted, Tom Brady has more to do with a win for the Patriots than probably anybody else on the team, but he is still on the field less than half the time possession wise when you account for special teams and defense. In baseball, it's even more ridiculous. Pitchers have even less control of the variables involved in a baseball game than QBs do in football. Win-loss records in baseball might as well be called "Lucky Points" since pitchers are completely reliant upon hitting and fielding from other players. Basically they rely on luck and teammates to generate a statistic that measures their individual performance. I remember Kevin Millwood had a sick season: like 2.40 ERA, lots of K's, but he went 8-13 or something because he played for the shitty Indians. I feel bad because he led the league in these pitching categories, but he was not considered for a Cy Young and didn't get a ton of money on the free agent market either. And also I'm too lazy to go look up his numbers from that year.

Dumb Stat #2: Batting Average

Batting Average is dumb for the simple reason that it does not account for walks or hit by pitches. It's as if those at-bats didn't happen. Obviously, OBP [Editor's note - that's On-Base Percentage for our less-informed readers] is the superior stat as it measures the amount of times you didn't make an out. Baseball is a simple binomial experiment. Get on base = success. Get out = failure. Also, there is a lot of luck involved. The difference between a .275 hitter and a .300 hitter is like one hit every 10 days throughout the season. So those 10-12 lucky bloopers some guy randomly got one year make it seem like he had an awesome year hitting. Why don't we just use OBP instead of AVG? It makes way more sense. Because baseball is the worst sport in America.

Dumb Stat #3: Clutch Hitting

The reason why Clutch Hitting is a dumb stat is because it's not even a stat because it can't be quantified. Therefore, there is no such thing as a clutch hitter. There is no agreeable "clutch moment." Seriously, someone tell me what a clutch hit is. I feel like getting a home run in the 3rd inning can be just as clutch as one hit in the 8th. They both count for the same amount. Even if there were a quantified way to determine what clutch is, the sample size would be so small that it would be pointless.

-Pat the Intern

Phil Simms is . . .

a huge jackass. But if you've ever watched a football game you already know this. My particular problem with Simmy-boy this week, other than his normal jackassery, is that he loves speaking in absurd hypotheticals. Let me explain.

During the Eagles-Colts game in which we were dazzled by the continued genius of Simms' commentary, he was talking about how Michael Vick appears to be a much better passer when he takes a deep dropback because he's not that tall for a quarterback and it gives him a better view of the field. Ok, I can believe that.

But then Phil drops some of the classic made-up stories he's known for. He said, "I hear people saying that Michael Vick doesn't like having pressure in his face. Well no kidding. You show me a quarterback who likes having pressure in his face." Really? Really, Phil? Show me these people who would say something that stupid. "Durrrrrr, that Mike Vick is a better quarterback when he's not getting tackled while he throws it." Thanks for that valuable insight, you fucktard. And here we come to the central outline of Phil Simms' commentary: it starts with Phil making up some absurd statement that nobody would ever say followed by Big Phil saying how ridiculous this made up statement is. And the reason Phil gets away with making an ass out of himself every week? Because he used to play in the National Football League.

This is the problem with pretty much every single commentator that was a former player: you can't possibly know more about their sport because you didn't play it. There's an article over on deadspin.com titled, "My Uncomfortable Encounter with an Angry Joe Morgan" that says it much better than I could. Essentially it comes down to two main points: with a former athlete commentator, you're going to get insight into certain behind the field things that you just can't know unless you've been there. On the other hand, you're going to get some jackass who thinks he knows more about the sport because he played it and you're just some joe-schmo who doesn't know anything. Well, former MMMMOpinion contributor Matt probably knows more about basketball than anyone and he managed to accomplish that without a successful NBA career.

Oh, and that fucker Ron Jaworski should go fuck himself. What an arrogant asshole. Him and Gruden make Monday Night Football practically unwatchable.

-Slick

These Commercials Make No Fucking Sense

awwww shucks. I almost made it through a whole post without swearing. Maybe next time. You may have noticed the newest member of MMMMOpinions, Pat the Intern. I feel like Pat is just the young go-getter this organization needs to take us to the next level. November is already pretty close to surpassing the number of posts from October so you can look forward to more of the rambling, overly opinionated posts you love. Anyway, these are some crappy commercials and I'm going to make myself feel better by pointing out their flaws.

Southwest.com
I'm pretty sure I already made fun of these assholes but apparently once wasn't enough. The geniuses over at the Southwest advertising department decided that "Bags Fly Free" just wasn't cutting it as a marketing scheme; they needed some bold new material. Thus, we were all given the gift that Southwest tickets are only available at Southwest.com. And here's where I get angry. I'm not sure why they think that having tickets only available at their website is helpful to me, the potential traveler. Instead of going to a website where I can compare several different airlines at once, like kayak for example, I now have to go out of my way and go to their website to see what their price is. Now, I don't fly that often . . . or at all really, so it's not really something I'm ever going to encounter and besides, I already decided I wasn't flying their shitty ass airline. But it annoys me that they think they're doing me a favor by only offering tickets at their website. On top of that, their employees are walking around singing about Southwest.com or playing some stupid ass game "Good Cop, Bag Cop" and yelling at other airplanes about bag fees. Fuck off assholes. That's probably why you have to sit on the plane for like 45 minutes before you actually taxi to the runway; it's because these dickwads are being a bunch of assholes instead of loading your bags.

Kayak.com
Continuing my hatred of airlines/airline related travel websites, this is the commercial where that bitch is sitting on a dock eating fruit with some guy. The guy doing the voiceover tells you that this bitch uses kayak to book her flights, but her boyfriend doesn't. Well thanks for sharing the information you dirty pirate hooker. The fuck is that shit? You've got a website that makes it easier to book flights but you don't tell your boyfriend? If he pulled that kind of shit you'd be fighting for a week and then you'd pretend to forgive him but really you'd just stash that memory away until you screwed up and he got mad and then you'd be like, "Yeah but what about that time you didn't tell me about kayak? I thought we were the kind of couple that shared everything with one another?" You know that's the kind of shit the man would never live down, and for the rest of their relationship he'd have to hear about it all the time. "I may have told your mother she was a fucking bitch, BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT KAYAK SO WHO'S THE REAL MONSTER?" Anyway, this bitch doesn't tell her boyfriend about kayak so now he stays up all night trying to find a cheap flight and oversleeps. What the fuck? Who books their flight the night before they're going on vacation? And then this bitch has the nerve to be eating fruit with some rando because she didn't tell her boyfriend about kayak, didn't tell him to book his flight more than 8 hours in advance, and then didn't bother to make sure he got up for his flight? What a fucking cunt. In hindsight, she probably did that guy a favor because now instead of going on vacation he has plenty of time to move all of this bitch's stuff out of his house. "Yeah? You want to fuck some dude named Dante on vacation because your fucking selfish? Enjoy living on the streets slut." Now, everybody say it with me: FUCK . . . THAT . . . . BITCH!

Life Alert
So this commercial starts with some old lady talking about the time she fell in her shower and couldn't get up, but luckily her daughter was coming over, OTHERWISE WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED?? So she decides she's going to buy a life alert system. Fine, I don't have a problem with that. You don't want to die, all the power to you. However, she then lists three feelings that she has experienced since she purchased this life saving device.
1. Safer: I don't have a problem with that. If you fall, someone comes and saves you. Fine, I believe you.
2. More Independent: Ummmm, really? How does buying a device that basically says you can't take care of yourself in an emergency make you feel independent? I guess it means that you don't have to have someone move in to take care of you or go live in a retirement home, but your starting to lose me here.
3. Even Younger: Alright bitch, now I know your full of shit. How does admitting that you can't take care of yourself without the possibility of dying make you feel younger. "Well, in the case that I fall and can't get up, I now have this stylish pendant that I push that summons the emergency care I need. Now, let's listen to some 8 tracks while we suck on some hard candy. OH YES! I FEEL SO MUCH YOUNGER NOW!!" You know who else can't take care of themselves without dying? Babies. So congratulations bitch, you are now as self reliant as a baby. I have no problem if you tell me life alert saves lives, but don't try to tell me you feel younger because I will knock your old ass over.

-Slick

Facebook Makes Me Sad

Specifically, it makes me sad about the world and the people who populate said world. I just don't understand how sitting down at a keyboard turns off that part of the brain that asks "is this an intelligent thing to broadcast to the world?" and just lets the nonsense roll. Come on, people, you're better than that. Well, I guess not, but you could be!! Maybe...

My current new thing to hate about Facebook (my top hated thing varies from week to week) is the excessive amount of things that people "Like." Now, if you're doing it to be ironic, such as liking every single thing on Lindsay's wall, then that's cool, but otherwise, knock it off. I don't know where the line should be drawn, but if you "Like" something stupid, then you should just be kicked off Facebook. And possibly the world. Too bad that whole flat world theory didn't pan out. Our garbage problem and our stupidity problem could both be solved at once.

Today in my News Feed, one of my "friends" liked, and I quote: "I THROW MY SKITTLES IN THE AIR SOMETIMES, SAYING AYYYOOO, TASTE THE RAINBOW." Let that sink in a moment, because it has a 15% chance of giving you an aneurysm, and if so, you need to stop reading and get immediate medical attention. Still good? Ok. Seriously? What makes that "Like"-able? If you like throwing Skittles in the air, then you're an asshole. Quit wasting delicious Skittles and give them to me. And if you don't like throwing Skittles in the air, then you're an asshole also, because you're a liar. Why like this bullshit? Because it's a semi-clever, Weird Al-like parody of a shitty song? Because you're a like-whore and will just like anything that pops up? Ooh! I've got it!! It's because you're stupid.

Another stupid thing that I keep seeing is people talking about how awesome it was to be alive on 10/10/10 and how it won't happen again for 1000 years. Really? So what date will it be on October 10th, 2110? Yeah, that's what I thought. Know who 10/10/10 was really awesome for? Sadie and John, because they got married. And I guess for anyone else who had something significant and, you know, actually awesome happen. For everyone else, you are possibly overrating this day, or you are probably stupid.

Speaking of dates, have you seen people talking about how this month has 5 Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and how this only happens once every 823 years? That's weird, because July 2011 also has 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. I am going to feel old as fuck, since apparently next July is 823 years away. And if you are trying to rationalize their stupidity and say they're only talking specifically about the month of October, then maybe you should check out October 2021. Looks a lot like this month, huh? Apparently 2021 is also 823 years away. Man, time flies when you're stupid.

Now, not everyone can be stupid by liking everything. Maybe they just don't bother with the like button, or maybe they just don't feel like hunting this dumb shit down. Don't worry, there are plenty of other ways to be an ass-hat. For instance, everyone has at least one person on their friend list who writes their status updates in some e.e. cummings stream-of-consciousness version of the Moron dialect of the English language. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you can't make any sense of what you just wrote, then you can guarantee that no one else can either, and they're making fun of you. Those little red squiggly lines underneath every third word you wrote? They mean that word is not actually a word. Try again, stupid. And this time, try a few capital letters and some of those other little symbols on the keyboard. They're called "punctuation marks," and they aren't just there to add extra keys.

Have you ever noticed that there is an inverse relationship between the quality of someone's grammar and the number of posts they make? The lower the quality, the more frequent the posts. Think of it like this: if you make more than 3 posts in 20 minutes, you're an asshole. And if you have spelling errors in all 3, it's probably time for me to hide you from the News Feed. Maybe when you can tell the difference between "your" and "you're" I'll consider reinstating you. Until then, it's probably best if your genes are removed from the pool and you're prevented from procreating. We're all stocked up on stupid here already, we don't need any more.

This is getting a bit long, so I should probably wrap things up. My final complaint today is how much complaining I find in the news feed. Yes, I see the irony there. Based on what I read, the lives of at least 80% of my Facebook friends suck. That's pretty depressing. And also weird, because most of the people I know are living decent lives and need to shut their stupid faces. Hate your job? Quit. I did it, so it's not that hard. Hate your family? Stop talking to them. Hate your boyfriend/girlfriend? Break up with that jackass. Just quit bitching. Facebook needs to go back to its roots. Stalking random people, posting embarrassing photos, and making snarky comments on other people's updates. That's what the internet is for!

-Jon

PS - I realize how hilarious it would be if there are grammatical mistakes here, so don't feel the need to point it out to me. I'll get around to proofreading this at some point. Also, there is a minor difference between a 20-word status update and a close-to-1000-word work of genius like this.

Appropriate Spectating

I would think that this would be obvious to everyone, but after a few seasons of officiating (and the resulting large amount of matches that I've attended), I have learned that many people are not aware of the proper times to trash talk when spectating. Hopefully this will clear things up for everyone so that I don't have to watch such embarrassing displays of fan ineptitude.

First of all, let's get one thing straight: the chant "We can't hear you!! <clap, clap, clap clap clap>" doesn't make any kind of sense at all, especially when the other fans aren't saying anything. I could understand it if maybe one group of fans starting cheering, and then the other group chants over them, but not when one group of fans is not saying anything. Obviously if they aren't making noise, you will be unable to hear them. It's like going to a Tampa Bay Rays game and chanting "We can't see you!!" Of course you can't see them: they aren't there because Rays "fans" don't show up until the playoffs. So please, stop with the stupid senseless chants. Try some creativity, or just stick with ol' reliable, "Let's go [someone]!" At least the people you're cheering for won't think you've been struck by some kind of organic brain dysfunction.

As stupid as that last chant was, this other offense is even worse. Before you decide on what to start yelling, take a look at the scoreboard. Hypothetically speaking of course, if your team is down, say, 2 sets already and is losing in the 3rd set, it's probably not time to start trash talking. It makes you look stupid (since you clearly have no idea what's going on), and it sets up the other fans to mock your stupidity. In this case, you can still cheer positively for your team, or you have to resort to the low blow of mocking the other team's players. Of course, the latter one there makes you look like a jackass in addition to your aforementioned stupidity. So tread carefully.

I hope that you have been lucky enough to avoid these fans. However, if you know anyone like this, or encounter them in the future, you can now direct them to this post in hopes of educating them. Together we can make the (sports) world a better place.

-Jon

Why I've Lost Faith In Humanity

People, and by that I mean stupid people, always wonder why our USA is hated by the rest of the world. But don't worry, Big Papa Slick has the answer: it's because most Americans are fucking retarded. It's election season which means anytime you flip to CNN or Foxnews or any of those delightful networks you get to see a bunch of fucking moron independent voters say some stupid bullshit like, "Hmmmm I don't know which candidate I'm voting for." Really? This is why the founding father's restricted voting rights . . . because most people are fucking stupid. You pick the candidate who's views are closest in line with your own, oh wait, that means you have to fucking think for yourself. But since most people are sheep, or sheeple as Stephen Colbert would say, they just wait until the last minute until they see which candidate is likely to win, then they vote for that candidate because, I don't know, peer pressure because they're fucking stupid. I hate people. But stupid ass voting pattern aside, I hate people because they say stupid shit. Like this.

Today I learned that a kid that I went to high school with lost his mother to cancer which really sucks because he's one of the nicest kids I've ever met. He's one of those guys that no one has a bad thing to say about. I can't imagine what he's going through. But then some fucking fucktard get's on facebook and says this:

"it is so very sad!!!! I am sooo sick of Cancer... I think they have a cure already but are afraid to come out with it because people are always raising money to find a cure so they are afraid of not making any more"

Really? Are you sick of cancer? Because I'm sure this kid fucking loves it. You stupid ignorant fuck. Now is not the time to spout your bullshit fucking uninformed retard theory. The worst thing is that is coming from a parent which means they have no excuse for being this retarded. I can't believe someone could be this fucking stupid. Just fuck everything.

-Slick

P.S. The woman that said this was the wife of the guy who bumped into some chick at festa, causing this chick to spill her wine all over Melissa. Small, ignorant fucking world. I think I need to get out of this fucking town.

Fucking Hypocrites

Here at MMMMOpinions, we are a lot of things: unemployed, immature, douchey . . . the list goes on, but one thing we are certainly NOT is hypocritical. We may make some outrageous claims (although in my case they are always correct) but we rarely if ever go back on our MMMMOpinions. I'm not saying we don't make mistakes, we make a couple every now and then, but I can't stand hypocrites. So this rant is specifically aimed at some old lady at my gym. I was going to make it my second "Fuck That Bitch" but she was talking to 2 dudes so it wouldn't have been perfectly accurate. So come along on a magic carpet ride as we navigate our way through my first ever, "Fuck That Hypocrite."

By the way, I was going to write an actual opinion about Boardwalk Empire but that will have to wait until tomorrow. Two days in a row? Everybody's a winner!!!!

Alright so I was at the gym getting huge and because my ipod is broken, I tend to be pretty creepy and listen to other people's conversations. How else am I going to find people to complain about on my blog? So I'm doing my best to listen but not appear like I'm listening and these people seem pretty fired up about something. I'm intrigued. They're talking about some sporting event and what great seats they had . . . blah, blah blah. "Oh we were in the 50th row. It was so cool." 50th row? That's good? Could've fooled me. Let's continue. Then they start complaining about the people that were tailgating and how drunk they were. At this point I was thrown because I thought they were talking about the Red Sox. Hmmmm, tailgating . . . it must be the Patriots. So back to the action they're saying they can't believe people were drinking at 10am and other old people talk. Then they drop the bombshell that they were at a NASCAR race. HOLY FUCKING PUG WANGS!!!!!! PEOPLE WERE DRINKING AT A NASCAR RACE?!?!?! ALERT THE NEW YORK TIMES!!!!!!! Are you fucking serious? Isn't that the whole point of going to a race? It has to be get super hammered because otherwise you're just watching cars go in a circle. Whatever, this isn't the rant about NASCAR, it's a rant about old fucking hypocrites. Yeah, now that you're in mid to late 40's with kids that are driving then yeah, you probably shouldn't be getting drunk at 10 in the morning. But don't act like you weren't a stupid slapdick fucking teenager when you were a kid. I'm sure you all were upstanding citizens. Maybe you're not going to get drunk at a NASCAR race or poop on some random person's lawn, but don't act like you're better than me. Unless you never did anything stupid as a kid then you should keep your fucking mouth shut, well no, keep talking because otherwise I wouldn't have anything to complain about. "Oh I would never do that." Yeah? Go fuck yourself.

Fucking hypocrites.

-Slick