This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume II

Chris' "friend" Lindsay wants me to make fun of Ke$ha's "We Are Who We Are" and who am I to deny such a request? So, let's take a closer look at what is sure to be just an awful, awful combination of words.

Hot and dangerous
If you're one of us then roll with us

Already this song begins with a lie because if you've ever seen Ke$ha you know that she is nowhere near anything you could call hot. She looks like a thirteen year old boy. I was going to make a being attracted to 13 year old boys joke, but I don't want to get arrested. So . . . moving on . . .

'Cause we make the hipsters fall in love

I assume all you have to do to get a hipster to fall in love with you is to stop washing, well pretty much everything.

When we get our hotpants on enough

Oh yeah, and hotpants. Hipsters love their hotpants.

And yes, of course we does

Who wrote this song? The Family Guy manatees?

We're running this town just like a club

Oh, so then it will cost $15 to get in, $5 for a bud light and won't be very fun. Plus it will probably be filled with a bunch of Persian people. Fucking Persian people.

And no, you don't wanna mess with us

You are correct. I don't want to mess with a tranny in hotpants. Not again.

Got Jesus on my neck-uh-lace

I'm not going to claim to know very much about Jesus, but I can guarantee that he did not die in order to save people like Ke$ha.

Got that glitter on my eyes

Nothing screams "classy lady" like body glitter. No wait, that's not right. Oh yeah, nothing screams "dirty hooker infested with STD's" like body glitter. Honest mistake.

Stockings ripped all up the side

"Yeah, I had the stockings on. But how is a guy supposed to know I'm willing to fuck him out back on a dumpster if I don't cut them up the side?"

Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let's go-oo-h-oh, LET'S GO!

Tonight we're going har-har-har-har-har-hard

I'm a pussy and even I don't consider anything she's said to be hard.

Just like the world is our-our-our-our-our-ours
We're tearing it apar-par-par-par-par-part
You know we're superstars.
We are who we are.

This is stupid but I'm saving my hate for verse 2.

DJ turn it up
It's about damn time to live it up

Oh? What we've just been doing? That was child's play. NOW IT'S TIME TO LIVE!

I'm so sick of being so serious
It's making my brain delirious

Yes, god forbid you put three minutes into writing a song so it doesn't sound like complete crap.

I'm just talking truth

Did you think I was lying? No, honestly we are this hardcore. We hang out with hippies and wear hotpants and all sorts of stuff society doesn't want us to do.

Telling you about the shit we do

Ke$ha: Alright, so this one time we were out behind Old Man Jenkins' barn just wallowing in the mud with the pigs. You know, getting really, really dirty. And I was like, "Hey, should I take a shower before we go out?" And my friend was like, "Nah, just put on some stockings but rip them up the sides." SO THAT'S WHAT I DID! ARE YOUR FRIENDS THIS HARDCORE? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

We're sellin' our clothes, sleepin' in cars

Totally taking my welfare money to the hairdresser. Mama's got to get her hair did.

Dressin' it down, hittin' on dudes . . . hard.

But keep it real for a second, is there any other way to do it?

I can't believe people like this song. I can't believe somebody wrote this song and was like, "Yup, that's a winner." Going into this post if you were like, "Hey Bill could these lyrics be any stupider than Bruno Mars?" I would have been like, "That's impossible." Yet, here we are. At least Bruno's had a point, I think? I don't know. The worse part about writing these posts is that now I know all the words and can't get them out of my head. Excuse me while I go kill myself.

-Slick

Random Depressing Things

Apparently part of getting older is finding out that everything that was/is awesome is going to somehow let you down. For instance:

• Mick Jagger is 67 years old.
• Topanga is clearly on steroids.
• Teen Mom is a popular TV show.
• Jersey Shore is a popular TV show.
• V stayed on the air and Flashforward got canceled.
• I will never invent a time machine. Or I will invent one, but I'll turn into a huge douchebag and not use it to go back in time and give it to me now. Come on, future Jon, I need some sweet time traveling so that I can make the financial moves necessary to allow you the capital to produce the time machine later!

That is actually only a very small part of a brainful of sadness, but Slick has to verbally dissect some pop garbage tomorrow and he didn't want to have back to back lyrical posts. Or maybe he did. I only caught a short part of the conversation.

-Jon

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume I

Ah, yes. A new year, a new post. And like most great ideas, I stole this one from someone else. Every week I'm going to check out the Billboard Top 100 and pick a song with shitty lyrics to make fun of. It shouldn't be too hard. Actual lyrics will be in bold. Opinions/commentary in normal font. This week in lyrical genius we have young cokehead Bruno Mars' offering "Grenade." Now initially, I thought this song was about fat chicks. Even after hearing it 10 times I thought it was about fat chicks and that's because I didn't actually listen to the lyrics. However, it clearly isn't about BBW, but I think it would have been a much better song had he gone in that direction. Nevertheless, let's see what Mr. Mars had to say:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh

Slut.

Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.

Yup. Definitely a slut.

Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss,

I don't understand. This girl appears to have 0 redeeming qualities and apparently is also a bad kisser, but he's going to go on and list a bunch of absurd crap he would be willing to do for her. I don't know how to make the whipped sound via typing. Make the sound in your head. It should sound like, "wha-chiii" if that makes any sense at all. It probably doesn't. Either way, this guy sounds like a real bitch.

Had your eyes were open, why were they open?

Wait, that's not the way you're supposed to do it? I thought you were supposed to open your eyes as wide as possible so the other person can look into your soul. God dammit.

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
Yeah you tossed it in the trash you did

Gotta be honest, this girl is starting to grow on me. Seems like a real people pleaser.

To give me all your love is all I ever asked

That's not a completely unreasonable request when you look at the list of things he had considered asking for:
1. All of her love
2. A yacht
3. Cuba
4. Mount Fuji
5. Just some of her love

Personally, I would have gone with number 5. Either that or number 3.

Cause, what you don't understand is

Econometrics? That shit is hard.

That I'd catch a grenade for ya

That seems a little unnecessary. I think most girls would be happy with flowers or something that showed you cared.

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I wouldn't do that. I almost cut my fingers off at work one time. It really hurts.

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

I would do this. It says nothing about whether or not the train is moving.

You know I'd do anything for ya

As long as it involves some sort of high risk scenario.

Girl: Hey Bruno, could you go and pick up some milk?
Bruno: No.
Girl: You have battle 12 ninjas to get there.
Bruno: Well why didn't you say so? Of course I'll do it. All that I require is all of your love.
Girl: That seems unreasonable.

Oh, oh
I would go through all of this pain

Why? Because dating a girl isn't painful enough? ZIIIINNNNNGGGG

Take a bullet straight through my brain

The only surefire way of killing a zombie according to "The Walking Dead." Really good show.

Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

Oh boo hoo. This girl won't give up her life for you. "Why won't you die for me? I WOULD TOTALLY DIE FOR YOU TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I CARE!"

Verse 2: No, no, no, no

This might take a minute. He's still trying to make up his mind.

Black, black, black and blue; beat me til I'm numb.

Domestic abuse? I'm sure there's two sides to that story.

Tell the devil I said, "Hey," when you get back to where you're from

Is there anything more attractive than a demon from the underworld. If I had a nickel, right?

Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are, (yeah)

At first I thought this girl was an awful person, but I don't know, he seems a little overdramatic. I'm sure she's quite pleasant when you get to know her.

You'll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car

WILDCARD BITCHES!

At this point the chorus repeats about her leaving his love in a landfill. Then there's a third verse but it's more of him whining how this girl didn't love him as much as he loved her. It might have something to do with the fact that he's super intense. The worst part about this song is now girls everywhere are going to expect men to jump in front of trains for them and do all sorts of ridiculous crap. Just you wait. When a girl wants to take you to an active mine field for a first date you'll believe me.

-Slick

Inception is. . .

really not that confusing, and a highly entertaining movie.

Disclaimer - as this post discusses movies, there will probably be spoilers. Even for movies that aren't Inception, because I write in a sort of rambling way and you never know where the conversation will head.

We watched Inception on Christmas Eve since it's obviously an appropriate Christmas-themed movie, so this post has been brewing in my brain for a while now. I remember when the previews for it came out like a billion months ago, I had 2 main thoughts: "Holy crap, that world is flipping upside down!" and "That's a lot of crumbling buildings on the beach there." It turns out that it wasn't really a beach, but oh well. Other than that, I had literally no idea what the plot of the movie was going to be.

Cut to the movie's actual release, and it seems that apparently no one else had any idea what was going on either. Really?

Because I am a cheap and lazy person (a dreadful combination for movie viewing), I rarely/never see movies in the theater. But a lot of other people must have gone to see this one since it's made like $800 million dollars. And nearly everyone had the same reaction, which was "WTF?!??!!!??!?"

Um, did these people actually watch the movie?

The short version of the plot is that Leonardo DiCaprio and his crew go into people's brains through their dreams and steal valuable information. Except that one time they try to hijack a super-powerful Asian businessman, and he doesn't take too kindly to it when he catches them. He decides that they can either do a job for him, or, presumably, be thrown off the top of a really high building. So Leo's crew teams up with Juno to do a super-complicated 3-tier dream raid. And as expected, things do not go as planned which leads to the movie's main plot. No big deal.

The mind-screw at the end is that you don't know how things really turned out. The last scene can be interpreted in a positive way (he gets back to his family, hooray!) or a negative way (he's stuck forever!!). Sort of like Minority Report or Total Recall. You can take those films at face value for the saccharine, happily-ever-after ending, or you can assume neither main character ever really wakes up and the entire thing is in their respective heads. Whoa. And I'm sure the internet is full of anonymous message boards with people formulating barely coherent, poorly written arguments on both sides for all three of these movies.

Regardless, the ending is the only thing in the movie that isn't clear-cut. But confusing? I don't really see it. Maybe you have to see the movie a bunch of times before your brain stops working and gets confused. But after one viewing, I am pretty sure I've got it.

As for movie quality, I'll be the first person to let you know that I don't have what it takes to be a movie critic. First of all, I don't see nearly enough movies. More importantly, the only thing I care about is whether or not the movie was entertaining. And somehow, that does not entirely coincide with whether or not the movie was "good." For example, movies can be utterly stupid, yet still be entertaining (see True Lies, Gone In 60 Seconds, The Rock, ok really any action movie with Nicolas Cage except Ghost Rider, the Ocean's # movies, etc). Are any of those movies great films? Probably not. Will I watch any one of them every time they're on cable? Probably. And in the oppostie direction, they can be incredibly well-reviewed or popular, but still suck donkey balls (see Girl, Interrupted, Titanic or anything that has Dane Cook in it).

But now I'm getting sidetracked.

Inception was a very entertaining movie. It had all sorts of explosions, a car chase, shootouts, a zero-gravity fistfight (which might violate everything about physics) and an ambiguous ending that could be interpreted in at least 2 ways depending on how pessimistic a person you are. And it was a wicked cool concept. Being able to screw with people's dreams would be an absolutely awful thing in the real world, but as a movie it's awesome.

Is it a movie that I'd watch again? Maybe. It was great, but it was also really long and all the crazy stuff that was surprising and fun the first time around might be played out during a second viewing. Sort of like seeing The Sixth Sense a second time. But the first viewing is super entertaining, even if you have to watch it on a TV that refuses to play DVDs and Blu-Rays at a normal volume and the people in your family who aren't watching the movie refuse to stop making a racket in the background. With all that working against it, Inception was still fantastic, so you should go watch it. And if you're confused afterwards, let me know so I can make fun of you.

Seriously, they stole the whole idea for Inception from Scrooge McDuck. How complicated can it really be?

-Jon

How Do People Pass College in Morgantown?

As you could tell from my last post, I went on a trip over the weekend. That trip was to Morgantown, WV, home of West Virginia University. Frankly, I don't get how people pass college while going here. Whether it's the ridiculous drink specials, the ridiculous amount of cheap food, or the ridiculous amount of people, there is no way I could go to this place.

The first part of this post should probably be posted on our sister site, Mmmm, beers! [Editor's note - no it shouldn't, as no beers are actually reviewed here]. The first place we went in Morgantown was called Bent Willies, and do you want to know their drink special? FREE BEER from 10PM till 12 AM. And it wasn't even like they were giving you Natty Ice in 8-oz. cups with huge lines. They were giving away Leinenkugels, Miller Lites and Bud Lights. These aren't the best beers in the world, but they're decent, especially since they were free. Also, the price of beer was only $1.50 after the special ended. And as a bonus, you get to keep the cups, which are perfect for the frugal college student who is moving out soon and needs utensils to drink from. The friend I was visiting was a girl, and she used her tit magic to get us free shots from this rich guys. All in all, I spent a total of $1 Thursday night and got 5 beers, 4 shots and 5 durable plastic cups.

Morgantown is also filled with awesome food specials. At this place called The Sporting something (I forgot what the name was), you get all-you-can-eat pizza and wings for $5 between 5PM and 8PM. As if that's not good enough, the beer is $1.25 a pint, and the beers on tap were Bud Light, Yuengling and Miller Lite. Drinks get even cheaper when you meet Australians who buy everyone Jagerbombs because everything is so cheap. After 8PM, beers are $2. Not terrible. Long Island Iced Teas? $3. Oh, and walking around town you run into a bunch of coked-out football players. Good times.

Night 3 I was too tired to get really drunk, and we didn't go anywhere with cool beer specials. However, I did see Desean Butler living the dream. Why would he ever want to leave this place? The athletes are treated like kings, especially at this one bar whose name I forget where they get free drinks and can sleep with as many women as they want. Life sure is awesome if you're a college athlete at a school that gives a shit about real sports.

-Pat the Intern

Happy New Year!

[Author's note: I totally had the random thought post first but then Pat the Intern beat me to it because I decided to write mine over the course of 3 days.

That's right, let me be the very last person to wish you a happy new year. And it's my first post of the new year, how exciting. Hopefully it will be as enjoyable as my very first post, a little tale about my encounter with a delicious brew you may have heard of, a Sam Adams Cranberry Lambic. Oh boy is that stuff great. Great beer or THE GREATEST BEER????? Go back and take a look and see how not far I've come since then. Did you look? Holy shit that post was terrible. Now, every post I write is terrible, but that was just awful. Awful post or THE AWFULEST POST? Anyway, for my first offering of this shitty new year (It's not my fault I don't have a job, CLEARLY THE YEAR 2011 IS CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!) I grace you with some thoughts I've had since the calendar turned over.

-I used way too many capital letters in that last paragraph.

-Waiting for water to boil is much easier than waiting for my english muffin to toast. Why don't we have a toaster that can cook my english muffing to a perfect light-medium in 6 seconds? Why must I wait an agonizing 2 and a half minutes? "Is it done yet? No? WHAT THE FUCK IT'S BEEN 30 SECONDS!" Now, if I weren't a moron I would put it in the toaster and then go do something, but I have to hover over it to make sure I'm right on the spot when it finally beeps. And for what? So I can go devour it in three bites and wish I had cooked a second one.

-Why are english muffins so goddamn small? I could easily eat the entire package in two meals. Maybe that says more about me than the english muffins, but why can't I just have more english muffin? It's bullshit. Next time I see them on sale I'm going to buy 12 packages and then bitch when they're gone in an hour.

-I don't understand why America loves the Kardashians. Kim's only famous because she released a sex tape before it was cool to release a sex tape. And to be honest it was even that entertaini . . . I mean I've never watched it but I heard from a friend that it's not that good. The big tall bitch is married to that other big tall bitch, Lamar Odom. The other one is sort of hot, I think? I don't know, anyone looks good with a shit load of makeup and airbrushing. So yeah, Kim's got a badonkadonkdonk but at some point of looking at pictures of her for 2 hours you realize that her body is really weird shaped. I mean, ummm, someone might come to that conclusion. Definitely not me.

-I hate snow. Snow fucking sucks. All it does is get in the way. Whoever decided that living in a place where the snow falls by the foot should be shot. "Oh hey, the winter's are like 7 degrees and there's 3 feet of snow on the ground. I'M FUCKING HOME BABY!"

-I'm at least 5 years older than anyone in high school. That's a disturbing/arousing thought.

-I was totally just kidding about that last one. OR WAS I?

-Why is it that baseball writers are in charge of voting for the hall of fame? Yeah, let's give that power to somebody who's never actually played baseball at the professional level. I suppose giving it solely to the people who are currently in the hall of fame would make too much sense.

-I am a fucking moron when it comes to eating, even excluding my english muffin difficulties. I will race through my first serving in order to load up a second one, even though it's the exact same fucking thing. "But wait, what if the second serving is better? How will I ever know unless I devour this first, clearly inferior, serving as fast as possible?" I have to actively remind myself while I'm eating to slow down otherwise I finish a meal faster than those NASCAR hillbillies can change a tire.

-I would drink 12 cans of A&W Root Beer a day if it wouldn't give me diabetes and big fat bitch tits. But only A&W because it's made with real aged vanilla. This is the second entry in my recurring series, MMMMRootbeeer.

-Vanilla is the second most expensive spice in the world. I think that's fascinating.

-Why are people angry at Charlie Sheen for having a foursome with porn stars in a Vegas hotel room instead of showing up on the set of Two and a Half Men? Is it that surprising that when you've given a guy with a history of drug, alcohol and sex addictions more than $1 million an episode to essentially play himself, he's going to make some "irresponsible" decisions? They don't even give Charlie Sheen a script anymore, they just tell him to walk on set, look really squinty and talk about banging hookers. Oh, and I put irresponsible in quotes because I imagine some fucktard out there has written some crap about Charlie Sheen not being a better role model. We're only guaranteed one life; if Charlie Sheen wants to spend his plowing through every chick with a pulse, I say the more power to him and who gives a shit about what anyone else thinks.

Do what makes you happy. Who knows how long we have here, you might as well enjoy it.

Including me. Starting now.

-Slick

Blogging at the Airport

Pat the Intern loves to travel. Unfortunately, when he travels he has to deal with airlines, the most unreliable industry ever. Example: I missed my connection flight today because the airline ran out of the fluid that de-ices the plane. So I get to sit in the Newark Airport for the next 7 hours like I'm Tom Hanks in that movie (Not Philadelphia or Joe Vs. the Volcano). So, I'd like to share the following:

There were some really depressing movies made by Disney in the 1990s. The Sandlot is really depressing. Not only does everyone move away, but the shortstop apparently got really into drugs and "no one ever sees him again." How about Angels in the Outfield? What a bunch of assholes at Disney, killing off Tony Danza because he smoked too many cigarettes. Disney could have made their point another way. Kill off that kid's asshole dad who won't be his father anymore even though he said he would if the Angels won the pennant.

I think I just saw Woody Harrelson walk by...

I know for a fact that I would have done better than any kid that was ever on GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, or Double Dare. I never got more angry than when the girl on the team would screw it up, costing the team a pair of BK Ratchtechs and a trip to Space Camp. Do you think the temple guards molested the kids when they captured them in the temple?

Nickelodeon shows today suck. Who looks more badass: this guy or this guy? The kids in these new shows are such bitches. They would never make it at Anawama or in the Ministry of Darkness.

Old video games are better than new ones. Old video games took effort, and you didn't have the luxury of saving your game or getting infinite continues. When you beat a game that you have started over and over and over again, you feel like you've accomplished something. Games nowadays don't even have an ending. They're just never-ending online mini-games that may be fun, but aren't as good as the old days.

There is a D-League basketball team that is sitting in the area I'm sitting in... The Bayhawks?

Based on their outfits, I am not able to tell a pilot from a sea captain.

There is a Rosetta Stone booth in the middle of the waiting area. Do people going to foreign countries buy them and think they will learn the native language on the flight over?

My Fast Food Bucket List is as follows:

• In-N-Out Burger
• Little Caesar's
• P.F. Chang's

My Top Fast Food Places:

1. Chick-Fil-A
2. Dairy Queen
3. Sonic
4. Wendy's
5. Jack in the Box (great milkshakes, which is really the only think I've ever had from there, but it was really good.

White Castle is overrated.

-Pat the Intern

They Who Must Not Be Named

Longtime readers of this blog may remember a while back where I may have posted a disapproving rant about a certain company responsible for bringing television-based entertainment into my house. And they might also remember that said company creepily responded to that post, but didn't actually follow up on their promises.

So be it. I'm not too worried about it.

What I am worried/annoyed about is the constant barrage of phone calls I receive from this particular company. I have made it very clear that I do not want a house phone and I do not want premium movie channels. There's no amount of talking that is going to fool me into thinking I need to add phone service to my plan. Seriously, who still uses a house phone under the age of 30?

According to my phone, I have missed a lot of calls from this place, yet never received a single voice mail. This makes me think that the calls aren't that important. Look at this crap, in reverse chronological order!

• 1/12/11 - 12:27pm
• 1/11/11 - 8:41pm
• 1/11/11 - 1:47pm
• 1/10/11 - 9:53am
• 1/8/11 - 1:45pm
• 1/8/11 - 10:05am
• 1/7/11 - 12:59pm
• 1/7/11 - 9:28am
• 1/6/11 - 3:48pm
• 1/6/11 - 12:20pm
• 1/5/11 - 1:38pm
• 1/4/11 - 1:04pm
• 1/4/11 - 9:40am
• 1/3/11 - 9:27am

Fourteen calls this year. Fourteen!! Are you kidding me?!? I do appreciate their attempts to mix it up by calling me at different times, thereby increasing the possibility that I might accidentally answer the phone. At least that's what they must be thinking. Fools!

It will be exciting when I move, because then I can go through all of this malarkey again. Except this time it will be with Comcast. Hooray. Also, it is possible to file a stalking complaint against a business? That might be a fun time.

-Jon

Fantasy Football Final Wrap-up

After a promising 5th-place position at 6-5 with 3 games to go, Final Fantasy Football went on an epic streak to finish. . . dead last. Five consecutive losses will do that to a team. I'm talking about the kind of collapse you would expect from the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS. No matter what my team did, it wasn't enough. Luckily, I've learned some things that can be applied to future attempts at Fantasy Football success.

• No matter which tight end I use, the one on my bench is going to have a better game. To overcome this next year, there will be at most 1 TE on my roster at any given time. Occasionally, I may even leave that position empty. That way when I get zero points, I'll at least be expecting it.
• Dwayne Bowe is a jerk. How can a player have 0 points one week and 48 the next? That's some bullshit.
• If the league is PPR, it's probably more important to have running backs that are guaranteed to be getting a few screen passes every game. Those points add up, mostly for my opponent.
• If a player is on my team, they are going to have at least 4 awful games. I apologize to anyone else who had Chris Johnson, Anquan Boldin, Ryan Grant, Tony Gonzalez, DeSean Jackson and the rest of my roster. Except Drew Brees, who was fairly consistent and awesome, and probably the only redeeming thing about my draft. Go me.
• Don't pick up RBs who are in a tandem system. Shonn Green consistently killed any production that Tomlinson might have put up by stealing his precious carries. And also the Jets feel the need to only run Tomlinson directly into whichever area of the field has the most defensive players.
• Average players will have career days when they are on my opponents' rosters. Thanks a lot, Rob Gronkowski.

Using this information, I am shooting for a major improvement next year. Like, 2nd to last instead of last. Baby steps. You may want to wait until after I've done my draft next season so that you'll know who not to take.

-Jon