Way harder than it looks. Defying our mantra of not researching, I decided to find out for myself. Although this might be more of a loophole than a violation. For those of you who know me you can probably guess what I attempted to stuff my face with. No not Subway. No Lindsay, not ice cream. Of course the answer is shrimp.
My love of shrimp is no secret. There's a Dias family legend that I once ruined one of our Christmas parties by eating all of the shrimp. I'm not sure how accurate the legend is, but I think my dad was really mad and I'm pretty sure I ate most of the shrimp. Mmmmopinions . . . where checking facts doesn't happen. It's like the NBA with traveling. Nevertheless, I challenged myself to see just how much of those curvy little bastards I could eat.
Turns out its a lot, but not as much as I would have thought. I confidently boasted that I could probably eat at least 6 pounds, but that's most likely because I've never actually seen exactly what 1 pound of shrimp looks like. If I had, I probably would not have been so confident. But even if I drastically overestimated my ability, I was still sure that I could polish off 4 pounds. I don't know, it sounded like a reasonable estimation. 6 pounds . . . not even close. 4 pounds . . . I came within striking distance. At this point I would like to thank my coach and sponsor, Mr. Christopher Dias. His moral support, and financial support, are much appreciated. Three 2 pound bags, that was the challenge in front of me. First bag? I absolutely crushed it. I mean, I knocked it out of the freaking park. But then I made a crucial error in judgment. Most eating competitions have some sort of time limit, but this was more for personal glory so we set the limit at four hours so that I would have either finished the shrimp or have thrown up. Unfortunately I did neither. My mistake was that instead of moving on to bag #2 I decided to wait about 45 minutes. HUGE mistake, although not as bad as trying Samuel Adams Cranberry Lambic. Self-promotion? Only a little, but if you're reading this you probably already know my thoughts on that crap. The beer . . . not self-promotion. I began losing steam like a fat kid halfway through a pick up game. I finished somewhere between 3 1/4 and 3 1/2 pounds which is still a new personal best and something to be proud of, but I let myself and my sponsors down. I was just a street-kid out of nowhere with a shot at the title, and I blew it.
-Slick
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Vikings-Saints Game is. . . [UPDATE]
an NFL conspiracy. And I know Slick stole some of my Brett Favre thunder but anyone who puts the Vikings' loss on him either didn't watch the game or is a retard.
Now maybe I'm slightly biased since the Vikings are my favorite team, but nobody who watched that came could possibly think the Saints deserved to win. How can a team that had twice as many yards lose a game? Maybe it was the 5 turnovers, but a much more reasonable explanation is that the NFL was conspiring against the Vikings to get the Saints, America's darlings, into the Superbowl. Somehow a team that led their conference from start to finish and went 13-3 with home-field advantage throughout is a Cinderella story. It's only a matter of time before the Yankees or USC football or the Lakers are a Cinderella story. But back to the game.
As Slick mentioned in his Brett Favre post, there were several bad calls that led to the Saints robbery of the Vikings. First there was blatant pass interference by Tracy Porter on the great catch by Visanthe Shiancoe. Porter tore Shiancoe's shirt while the ball was in the air! Could there be a more blatant Pass Interference penalty? Whatever. Shiancoe made the play and the Vikings scored a TD a few plays later.
Then later in the 3rd quarter came the play Slick alluded to: the first interception that Favre threw where he was nearly decapitated. A guy came in and hit him high, which may have been enough to draw a roughing the passer penalty on its own, but then another defensive player, possibly Bobby McCray (who by the way is the same guy who jacked up Favre earlier in the game when Favre was defenseless following a handoff), dove into Favre's knee, a clear violation of the Brady Rule. Was there a flag thrown? Of course not. That would have given the Vikings the ball back. How does Brady get a flag on that play against the Ravens when Suggs barely touched him, yet Favre gets killed an nothing happens? Conspiracy.
Let's move on to overtime. This is where it really gets suspicious. Here's the situation: Its fourth and about 1 around the Vikings 43. Pierre Thomas dives over the pile and a Vikings defender puts his helmet on the ball. Thomas maintains possession, but the ball is down around his waist. Yet the officials spot the ball at the 41 and a half, well in front of the first down marker, and about a yard ahead of where the ball actually was. Then the play is reviewed and the play stands. Are you kidding me? How can the officials ignore clear video evidence? They at least have to re-spot the ball and measure again. Maybe it's still a first down, but at least the right call is made. Conspiracy
A play or two later the Vikings are called for pass interference. This is one of the worst calls I've ever seen, and I've watched a lot of Patriots games. Even Randy Moss would be embarrassed to get this call. There is absolutely no contact between Leber and Dave Thomas and the ball was uncatchable. On this same play Jared Allen blows by the Left Tackle and has a clear shot at Brees, only he gets tackled from behind. Is there a holding penalty? Of course not. Instead of 1st and 20 from the 50 or 2nd and 10 from the 40, its 1st and 10 from the 30. Conspiracy
Finally on the second to last play before the game winning field goal, its 2nd and 15 around the 35. Brees completes a pass Robert Meachem around the 20. Only Meachem didn't catch the ball. The play is reviewed and it appears as if the ball is on the ground. I'll admit that during the game I wasn't 100 percent convinced it was incomplete, but an NFL live replay highlighted the ball, and it was clearly on the ground. Of course that would have left the Saints with a 50+ yard field goal, no easy task from a kicker who has never made one from that length in his career. Instead Hartley crushes one from about 40. Saints complete their robbery of the Vikings.
By the way, to those of you who think that Favre lost the game, think again. The Vikings fumbled about 7-8 times, losing 3 of those. Twice they fumbled inside the Saints' 10, and once a fumble set up the Saints at the Vikings' 7. And the final interception is explainable. Had he thrown it away, the Vikings are left attempting a 57 yard field goal. Do you really like those odds? Obviously I would have rather seen them attempt it than throw a INT, but I understand Favre trying to force the issue to give the Vikings a makable field goal attempt.
(Side-note: How much does the Fox Robot suck? He is the worst thing on television right now, including the numerous terrible commericals and Deborah Morgan from Dexter. Every time he is on screen I want to punch something. Sometimes he is doing jumping jacks or running in place or jumping rope. He's a robot, he doesn't need to get exercise. During the NFC championship I saw him waving a checkered flag and playing guitar. I thought this was a football game. I can't wait til baseball season so I can see him take some BP while I listen to the wise words of Tim McCarver. Gotta love Fox.)
-Matt
Now maybe I'm slightly biased since the Vikings are my favorite team, but nobody who watched that came could possibly think the Saints deserved to win. How can a team that had twice as many yards lose a game? Maybe it was the 5 turnovers, but a much more reasonable explanation is that the NFL was conspiring against the Vikings to get the Saints, America's darlings, into the Superbowl. Somehow a team that led their conference from start to finish and went 13-3 with home-field advantage throughout is a Cinderella story. It's only a matter of time before the Yankees or USC football or the Lakers are a Cinderella story. But back to the game.
As Slick mentioned in his Brett Favre post, there were several bad calls that led to the Saints robbery of the Vikings. First there was blatant pass interference by Tracy Porter on the great catch by Visanthe Shiancoe. Porter tore Shiancoe's shirt while the ball was in the air! Could there be a more blatant Pass Interference penalty? Whatever. Shiancoe made the play and the Vikings scored a TD a few plays later.
Then later in the 3rd quarter came the play Slick alluded to: the first interception that Favre threw where he was nearly decapitated. A guy came in and hit him high, which may have been enough to draw a roughing the passer penalty on its own, but then another defensive player, possibly Bobby McCray (who by the way is the same guy who jacked up Favre earlier in the game when Favre was defenseless following a handoff), dove into Favre's knee, a clear violation of the Brady Rule. Was there a flag thrown? Of course not. That would have given the Vikings the ball back. How does Brady get a flag on that play against the Ravens when Suggs barely touched him, yet Favre gets killed an nothing happens? Conspiracy.
Let's move on to overtime. This is where it really gets suspicious. Here's the situation: Its fourth and about 1 around the Vikings 43. Pierre Thomas dives over the pile and a Vikings defender puts his helmet on the ball. Thomas maintains possession, but the ball is down around his waist. Yet the officials spot the ball at the 41 and a half, well in front of the first down marker, and about a yard ahead of where the ball actually was. Then the play is reviewed and the play stands. Are you kidding me? How can the officials ignore clear video evidence? They at least have to re-spot the ball and measure again. Maybe it's still a first down, but at least the right call is made. Conspiracy
A play or two later the Vikings are called for pass interference. This is one of the worst calls I've ever seen, and I've watched a lot of Patriots games. Even Randy Moss would be embarrassed to get this call. There is absolutely no contact between Leber and Dave Thomas and the ball was uncatchable. On this same play Jared Allen blows by the Left Tackle and has a clear shot at Brees, only he gets tackled from behind. Is there a holding penalty? Of course not. Instead of 1st and 20 from the 50 or 2nd and 10 from the 40, its 1st and 10 from the 30. Conspiracy
Finally on the second to last play before the game winning field goal, its 2nd and 15 around the 35. Brees completes a pass Robert Meachem around the 20. Only Meachem didn't catch the ball. The play is reviewed and it appears as if the ball is on the ground. I'll admit that during the game I wasn't 100 percent convinced it was incomplete, but an NFL live replay highlighted the ball, and it was clearly on the ground. Of course that would have left the Saints with a 50+ yard field goal, no easy task from a kicker who has never made one from that length in his career. Instead Hartley crushes one from about 40. Saints complete their robbery of the Vikings.
By the way, to those of you who think that Favre lost the game, think again. The Vikings fumbled about 7-8 times, losing 3 of those. Twice they fumbled inside the Saints' 10, and once a fumble set up the Saints at the Vikings' 7. And the final interception is explainable. Had he thrown it away, the Vikings are left attempting a 57 yard field goal. Do you really like those odds? Obviously I would have rather seen them attempt it than throw a INT, but I understand Favre trying to force the issue to give the Vikings a makable field goal attempt.
(Side-note: How much does the Fox Robot suck? He is the worst thing on television right now, including the numerous terrible commericals and Deborah Morgan from Dexter. Every time he is on screen I want to punch something. Sometimes he is doing jumping jacks or running in place or jumping rope. He's a robot, he doesn't need to get exercise. During the NFC championship I saw him waving a checkered flag and playing guitar. I thought this was a football game. I can't wait til baseball season so I can see him take some BP while I listen to the wise words of Tim McCarver. Gotta love Fox.)
-Matt
-Jon
The Cleveland Orchestra is. . .
either a group of morons, or possibly run by a group of morons.
I am going to assume the Cleveland Orchestra is a group of overdressed people who get together to play music written by a bunch of dead guys with some jackass up front waving a stick around while everyone there tries not to fall asleep so that they don't accidentally piss themselves during a particularly loud cymbal crash.
These people went on strike for more money. An orchestra. On strike. Let that sink in.
I am not even allowed to go on strike, but if I did, you can bet people would want to settle it because I actually perform a useful service! Well, not me, but other people that I work with.
Listen, Cleveland Orchestra. You play music. You don't fight crime, put out fires, cure sickness, educate people, pick up garbage or anything even remotely required for day-to-day life. When the garbage collectors in NYC struck, it made a difference. All you're doing is ruining the tuxedo renting economy of Cleveland. People need what, like 3 things to survive: food, water and shelter? Granted, there's a difference between eating a 4-star meal and eating spam, but at least restaurant workers provide a useful service. You do nothing.
Also, you apparently had a $147 million dollar endowment. As in, $147,000,000. And somehow, in the last 4 years, you spent at least $51 million of it. That's assuming you had the entire stash of cash inside the tuba case. If you had half a brain, you would be earning at least 3% on it, but since you're clearly brain-damaged, let's just say you earned another $3 million a year in various interests and dividends. That means you spent over $60 million dollars in the last 4 years. You motherfuckers.
I would be set for life easily with a million bucks, and these jackoffs waste $60 million and have the nerve to go on strike? Fuck them. I hope their Orchestra gets closed and someone eats all the instruments.
-Jon
PS - I know Slick usually handles the angry posts, but this just pissed me off.
Brett Favre is . . .
I bet you're dripping with anticipation, all four of you that read this thing. You must be thinking, "Slick hates everything, I bet he's really going to tear Brett Favre a new one." Well like Family Guy does with Meg episodes I feel I should forewarn you that this will be my first positive post. Here it is, Brett Favre is my new favorite athlete. Of all time. OF ALL TIME.
I realize that there are a lot of Favre haters out there. I used to be one until about 20 minutes ago. When he was on the Packers there wasn't a single player in the league not on the Patriots that I enjoyed rooting against more. I remember screaming like a little girl when a pre-dogfighting Michael Vick beat Favre in Lambeau in the playoffs. When he was on the Jets, I hated him even more. Why? Because fuck you Jets that's why. Is there any fanbase more annoying than Jets fans? If there is I don't want to know about them. But anyway, I absolutely hated Brett Favre. When he retired, I was pumped. When he unretired, I was pissed. So you can imagine how last summer went. I was sick of Brett Favre. I was sick of hearing his name. I was sick of the Favre watch at the bottom of the ESPN bottom line. (Brief tangent: how much does live Sportscenter suck? I don't need Merril Hoge playing with a touchscreen, just show me some goddamn highlights. But on a lighter note, Hannah Storm looks really, REALLY good for 47 years old. That shit is bananas, ba na na na nanas . . .) I didn't need to know everything Brett Favre was doing. Either play football or don't. Stop pissing me off. But I'm glad he came back.
We live in a world where we're constantly let down by the people we look up to, especially athletes. Tiger Woods fucked more chicks than Charlie Sheen. Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech made him look like a spiteful asshole. Kobe probably raped that girl in Colorado. Ronaldo was involved in a male prostitution bust. You can't even make something like that up. That's disappointment international style. Even the golden boy Tom Brady had a kid out of wedlock. I'm not a parent but I see all the parents at my little brother's games that expect their kids to be the next superstar. And I understand why. Sports are something we've all grown up with. It's something that we're familiar with. It's something that's so easily accessible to us which is why it's so easy to look up to sports figures as role models, and it's why it's so crushing to us when they let us down. My step-mom used to LOVE Tiger Woods. She doesn't even want his name mentioned in her house anymore. That's why I have a new man-crush on Brett Favre.
You can hate Brett Favre because the media won't stop talking about him. You can hate Brett Favre because Peter King wants to give him a hojo and the best blow-j ever. Hell, even I hate him because he plays backyard football in jeans. But if Brett Favre came to my dorm room and tossed me a pair of Wranglers, I'd be out there in a second. You don't have to like him, but it's hard for to me imagine that you don't respect him. In what could be his last game ever, Favre took more shots than that "Shots shots shots shots shots shots" song. There were at least 5 times when we were watching that Chris, Matt and I thought that there was no way he was getting up. The could have run an entire season's worth of "Jacked Up" just from that game alone. Even so, he was about 12 bad calls away from leading the Vikings to the Superbowl. "Oh yeah but he threw two interceptions and cost his team a game-winning field goal." Go back and look at his first interception, looks like a clear "Brady Rule Roughing the Passer" to me. Go back and watch some of those hits and ask yourself how many other quarterbacks, no less a 40 year old one, could have gotten up from that. Go back and ask yourself whether the Vikings had any chance of coming that close without Favre. So yeah, I don't blame you if you hate Brett Favre but in a world where we're constantly being let down, it's nice to know that there's at least one athlete that won't . . . well, unless you want to win the NFC Championship.
-Slick
I realize that there are a lot of Favre haters out there. I used to be one until about 20 minutes ago. When he was on the Packers there wasn't a single player in the league not on the Patriots that I enjoyed rooting against more. I remember screaming like a little girl when a pre-dogfighting Michael Vick beat Favre in Lambeau in the playoffs. When he was on the Jets, I hated him even more. Why? Because fuck you Jets that's why. Is there any fanbase more annoying than Jets fans? If there is I don't want to know about them. But anyway, I absolutely hated Brett Favre. When he retired, I was pumped. When he unretired, I was pissed. So you can imagine how last summer went. I was sick of Brett Favre. I was sick of hearing his name. I was sick of the Favre watch at the bottom of the ESPN bottom line. (Brief tangent: how much does live Sportscenter suck? I don't need Merril Hoge playing with a touchscreen, just show me some goddamn highlights. But on a lighter note, Hannah Storm looks really, REALLY good for 47 years old. That shit is bananas, ba na na na nanas . . .) I didn't need to know everything Brett Favre was doing. Either play football or don't. Stop pissing me off. But I'm glad he came back.
We live in a world where we're constantly let down by the people we look up to, especially athletes. Tiger Woods fucked more chicks than Charlie Sheen. Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech made him look like a spiteful asshole. Kobe probably raped that girl in Colorado. Ronaldo was involved in a male prostitution bust. You can't even make something like that up. That's disappointment international style. Even the golden boy Tom Brady had a kid out of wedlock. I'm not a parent but I see all the parents at my little brother's games that expect their kids to be the next superstar. And I understand why. Sports are something we've all grown up with. It's something that we're familiar with. It's something that's so easily accessible to us which is why it's so easy to look up to sports figures as role models, and it's why it's so crushing to us when they let us down. My step-mom used to LOVE Tiger Woods. She doesn't even want his name mentioned in her house anymore. That's why I have a new man-crush on Brett Favre.
You can hate Brett Favre because the media won't stop talking about him. You can hate Brett Favre because Peter King wants to give him a hojo and the best blow-j ever. Hell, even I hate him because he plays backyard football in jeans. But if Brett Favre came to my dorm room and tossed me a pair of Wranglers, I'd be out there in a second. You don't have to like him, but it's hard for to me imagine that you don't respect him. In what could be his last game ever, Favre took more shots than that "Shots shots shots shots shots shots" song. There were at least 5 times when we were watching that Chris, Matt and I thought that there was no way he was getting up. The could have run an entire season's worth of "Jacked Up" just from that game alone. Even so, he was about 12 bad calls away from leading the Vikings to the Superbowl. "Oh yeah but he threw two interceptions and cost his team a game-winning field goal." Go back and look at his first interception, looks like a clear "Brady Rule Roughing the Passer" to me. Go back and watch some of those hits and ask yourself how many other quarterbacks, no less a 40 year old one, could have gotten up from that. Go back and ask yourself whether the Vikings had any chance of coming that close without Favre. So yeah, I don't blame you if you hate Brett Favre but in a world where we're constantly being let down, it's nice to know that there's at least one athlete that won't . . . well, unless you want to win the NFC Championship.
-Slick
Monday, January 25, 2010
More Commercials I Hate
Back by popular demand I present another installment of commercials that make no sense.
Subway Commercials:
Here's the thing subway, you make the food right in front of me so there's pretty much no way you can screw that up. Your quality is usually pretty good, unless you go to that one Subway down the street from my friend's apartment. That one just sucks. They're also not that smart there. One time they gave me change for a $20 when I gave him a $10, which means that he somehow managed to take the ten from me, add three dollars to it, and then give it back to me. And you wonder why we're in an economic crisis. Also, when I ask for lettuce on my sandwich, it doesn't mean that I want a lettuce sandwich. You don't need to use an entire head of iceberg. But like I said, usually Subway is pretty good and as I mentioned in my previous rant about commercials, the only thing you have to do in a commercial is not make me mad. It's not that hard, just don't do anything stupid. And then Michael Phelps starts swimming through concrete . . .
Ugggghhhhhhhhh . . . GODDAMMIT. I have a couple questions. First, why is Michael Phelps swimming through concrete? What could that possibly have to do with Subway sandwiches? Does eating Subway give you super strength? I don't know and here's the somewhat mindboggling aspect of the commercial, that's not even the dumbest part. So Michael Phelps is continuing to ravage the streets of this poor community like Homer on the monorail, when he swims past a Subway and oh boy, it's a Jared commercial too. Jared yells "See you there." See you where? Oh, apparently Phelpsy is swimming toward Canada. Now, if you were like me and had no idea where Vancouver is, then this commercial makes absolutely no sense. But, if you were also like me and looked up where Vancouver is then, oh wait, this commercial still makes no sense. Why is Michael Phelps swimming toward the Winter Olympics? He's a swimmer, which means that nobody gives a shit about him except every four years when he competes at the SUMMER Olympics. But to recap, he's swimming toward the WINTER Olympics. Why Michael Phelps is swimming toward the Winter Olympics I do not know. What I also do not know is what Subway has to do with the Winter Olympics. I don't think it ever reveals some sort of affiliation with the Olympics such as "More Olympic athletes shove their cakeholes with Subway than any other sandwich" and unless you're a fucking expert on Canadian geography you're not going to know where Vancouver is. I don't know . . . making a commercial I don't hate cannot be this hard. Like the Walmart one where the clown jumps on the unicorn and screams. I'm probably not going to shop at Walmart, but I'm not less likely to shop at Walmart because of that commercial so job well done.
Today's fun fact: In case you were wondering NBC paid $800 million in order to secure exclusive rights to cover the Winter Olympics. That just seems like way too much . . . and oh, what's that? They're going to lose $200 million? But when you're as successful as NBC has been you can afford to throw around money like that . . .
-Slick
Subway Commercials:
Here's the thing subway, you make the food right in front of me so there's pretty much no way you can screw that up. Your quality is usually pretty good, unless you go to that one Subway down the street from my friend's apartment. That one just sucks. They're also not that smart there. One time they gave me change for a $20 when I gave him a $10, which means that he somehow managed to take the ten from me, add three dollars to it, and then give it back to me. And you wonder why we're in an economic crisis. Also, when I ask for lettuce on my sandwich, it doesn't mean that I want a lettuce sandwich. You don't need to use an entire head of iceberg. But like I said, usually Subway is pretty good and as I mentioned in my previous rant about commercials, the only thing you have to do in a commercial is not make me mad. It's not that hard, just don't do anything stupid. And then Michael Phelps starts swimming through concrete . . .
Ugggghhhhhhhhh . . . GODDAMMIT. I have a couple questions. First, why is Michael Phelps swimming through concrete? What could that possibly have to do with Subway sandwiches? Does eating Subway give you super strength? I don't know and here's the somewhat mindboggling aspect of the commercial, that's not even the dumbest part. So Michael Phelps is continuing to ravage the streets of this poor community like Homer on the monorail, when he swims past a Subway and oh boy, it's a Jared commercial too. Jared yells "See you there." See you where? Oh, apparently Phelpsy is swimming toward Canada. Now, if you were like me and had no idea where Vancouver is, then this commercial makes absolutely no sense. But, if you were also like me and looked up where Vancouver is then, oh wait, this commercial still makes no sense. Why is Michael Phelps swimming toward the Winter Olympics? He's a swimmer, which means that nobody gives a shit about him except every four years when he competes at the SUMMER Olympics. But to recap, he's swimming toward the WINTER Olympics. Why Michael Phelps is swimming toward the Winter Olympics I do not know. What I also do not know is what Subway has to do with the Winter Olympics. I don't think it ever reveals some sort of affiliation with the Olympics such as "More Olympic athletes shove their cakeholes with Subway than any other sandwich" and unless you're a fucking expert on Canadian geography you're not going to know where Vancouver is. I don't know . . . making a commercial I don't hate cannot be this hard. Like the Walmart one where the clown jumps on the unicorn and screams. I'm probably not going to shop at Walmart, but I'm not less likely to shop at Walmart because of that commercial so job well done.
Today's fun fact: In case you were wondering NBC paid $800 million in order to secure exclusive rights to cover the Winter Olympics. That just seems like way too much . . . and oh, what's that? They're going to lose $200 million? But when you're as successful as NBC has been you can afford to throw around money like that . . .
-Slick
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Cabin Fever is. . .
a tasty beer that I had also never even heard of until last night.
Those BBC people really have a knack for making tasty brews. Now they just need to throw a little of that effort into their web page (it's a joke that keeps on giving!). They also need to make a better effort at getting their beers into bars. Well, bars that I go to at least. Slackers!
Buffalo Wild Wings is a nice little sports bar with approximately 30 televisions and a nice selection of beers on tap. Let's put it this way. If you have enough TVs to be showing multiple hockey games at the same time, you have to be doing something right. However, I didn't come here to review televisions or hockey (maybe some other time). While not nearly as intimidating as that bar in San Diego with 115 beers on tap, any row of taps with more than 20 beers can lead to "Draft Paralysis." Symptoms include stuttering and ordering of a crappy beer due to panic.
I finally settled on the Cabin Fever because I was still riding the BBC high of my Coffeehouse Porter from last weekend. Also, I had to avoid accidentally ordering ShockTop or Blue Moon. Blech. How gross are white ales? Ok, back on track. The Cabin Fever tastes really similar to some other beer that I've had before and enjoyed, but I can't quite recall which one. Possibly a Magic Hat #9, but I would have to try them back-to-back to be sure. Too bad this is a seasonal beer, so I will have to wait a while for that test. (Sorry, I looked it up. I am ashamed.)
Final verdict? Go buy a growler of it. That way, if you don't like it, you can give the rest to me.
-Jon
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Commercials are . . .
the worst thing about television. I'm not a marketing major but as I understand it commercials are supposed to make a person interested in buying a product. Therefore, if I were making a commercial the only goal I would have would be to not make people hate this commercial. Unfortunately, it appears you only need a 3rd grade education in order to produce commercials. Without further adieu, these are some commercials that I hate:
The Kobe/LeBron puppets
I don't get it. Why are puppet versions of Kobe and LeBron trying to sell me sneakers? Also, why are they retarded? They don't sound like Kobe or LeBron, they don't really look like Kobe or LeBron, and I don't have any confirmation of this but I assume they don't smell like Kobe or LeBron (Nike wouldn't answer my e-mails). Kobe looks like the Count from Sesame Street, you know, if black people other than Wesley Snipes could be vampires. Which reminds me, if you haven't seen it already go over to youtube and look for "The Count Censored." It's pretty funny. But back to the lecture at hand, I believe the most recent "Most Retarded Puppets" commercial is the one where Count Kobe is rapping about his shoe. I'm not sure when puppets and rap music were combined, but Sesame Street must be way more hood than when I was a child. Anyway, Kobe's rapping about how good his shoe is and how many rings he has when completely out of nowhere, his shoe catches on fire. Why would someone want a shoe that spontaneously combusts? I don't know, but my guess is that's the quality you can expect when you exploit cheap Chinese labor.
Dennis Leary and Howie Long Pickup Truck Commercials
Hey Dennis Leary, I have listening skills. I know how to hear things. If I wanted to read what you were saying, I would have turned on closed captions. I don't need you to put the words on the screen. Somehow I manage to watch anything else on television and survive without the words being on the screen at the same time. What am I, four fucking years old? I don't need words and sounds and bright colors all at the same time. Four-year-olds don't go out and buy your stupid Ford F-150's you stupid fuck. And neither will I. Fuck you.
And fuck you too Howie Long. You offer to help that guy but all you do is grab his tape measurer and walk backwards. HOW IS THAT HELPFUL? Then you make a stupid joke like, "Don't blame the carpenter, blame the tool." How about I blame you? Yeah, I guess you were good at football at some point but you're a fucktard. Don't come near me or my tape measurer.
Geico Cavemen Commercial
Saving money with Geico is so easy a caveman could do it. I get it. I got it six years ago (that's right SIX) when you started these stupid commercials. I got it when the caveman was at the airport. I got it when he was bowling. I got it when one of the cavemen switched to Geico and all the other cavemen got mad at him. I got it when somehow these jackoffs spawned their own tv series. Yeah, someone will throw away money on a tv show about cavemen but no one wants to give Jon and me some money to open up our own chain of burger restaurants. That seems fair. But you know what I don't get? Who the fuck still lives in a cave? I'm not exactly sure where the phrase "It's so easy a caveman could do it" came from, but Geico should team up with Nike and switch it to "It's so easy that these retarded puppets can do it."
Feel free to head over to facebook and leave the commercials that you hate on my wall. Or you could become our first follower. This is sure to become a running post as there is no shortage of stupid commercials.
-Slick
The Kobe/LeBron puppets
I don't get it. Why are puppet versions of Kobe and LeBron trying to sell me sneakers? Also, why are they retarded? They don't sound like Kobe or LeBron, they don't really look like Kobe or LeBron, and I don't have any confirmation of this but I assume they don't smell like Kobe or LeBron (Nike wouldn't answer my e-mails). Kobe looks like the Count from Sesame Street, you know, if black people other than Wesley Snipes could be vampires. Which reminds me, if you haven't seen it already go over to youtube and look for "The Count Censored." It's pretty funny. But back to the lecture at hand, I believe the most recent "Most Retarded Puppets" commercial is the one where Count Kobe is rapping about his shoe. I'm not sure when puppets and rap music were combined, but Sesame Street must be way more hood than when I was a child. Anyway, Kobe's rapping about how good his shoe is and how many rings he has when completely out of nowhere, his shoe catches on fire. Why would someone want a shoe that spontaneously combusts? I don't know, but my guess is that's the quality you can expect when you exploit cheap Chinese labor.
Dennis Leary and Howie Long Pickup Truck Commercials
Hey Dennis Leary, I have listening skills. I know how to hear things. If I wanted to read what you were saying, I would have turned on closed captions. I don't need you to put the words on the screen. Somehow I manage to watch anything else on television and survive without the words being on the screen at the same time. What am I, four fucking years old? I don't need words and sounds and bright colors all at the same time. Four-year-olds don't go out and buy your stupid Ford F-150's you stupid fuck. And neither will I. Fuck you.
And fuck you too Howie Long. You offer to help that guy but all you do is grab his tape measurer and walk backwards. HOW IS THAT HELPFUL? Then you make a stupid joke like, "Don't blame the carpenter, blame the tool." How about I blame you? Yeah, I guess you were good at football at some point but you're a fucktard. Don't come near me or my tape measurer.
Geico Cavemen Commercial
Saving money with Geico is so easy a caveman could do it. I get it. I got it six years ago (that's right SIX) when you started these stupid commercials. I got it when the caveman was at the airport. I got it when he was bowling. I got it when one of the cavemen switched to Geico and all the other cavemen got mad at him. I got it when somehow these jackoffs spawned their own tv series. Yeah, someone will throw away money on a tv show about cavemen but no one wants to give Jon and me some money to open up our own chain of burger restaurants. That seems fair. But you know what I don't get? Who the fuck still lives in a cave? I'm not exactly sure where the phrase "It's so easy a caveman could do it" came from, but Geico should team up with Nike and switch it to "It's so easy that these retarded puppets can do it."
Feel free to head over to facebook and leave the commercials that you hate on my wall. Or you could become our first follower. This is sure to become a running post as there is no shortage of stupid commercials.
-Slick
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Coffeehouse Porter is. . .
delicious! I was a bit wary going in because I have had some bad experiences with porters in the past, but this one was a winner.
The Coffeehouse Porter is a Berkshire Brewing Company beer that I had never even heard of before. Side note - if you want to see a website that was clearly thrown together with little forethought or web design skill, go check out the BBC site. I'll wait.
Done? Seriously, what is going on there? Not that I have much to say, since I am using an online site that does all the code for me. . .
Right, back to the beer. We were eating dinner at Cafe Martin in some part of northern Western MA, and the beer list was a little lean. I had been there before, and was pretty underwhelmed by the River Ale. Combining that with the fact that Kathryn and I drink quite a bit of Steel Rail, the Coffeehouse was my last option. Good choice! It seemed to have real coffee in it or something. I could probably look it up on the previously mentioned website, but I'd rather let you do it.
I am not sure this will be swinging my opinion of other porters though. Especially the Honey Porter by Sam Adams. That one is just bad.
Final verdict? Give it a try. At least it's not Scotch Ale!!
-Jon
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The Book of Eli is . . .
Incredibly disappointing. I base my opinion of a movie on three questions. First, would I see this movie again? Second, would I suggest that someone see this movie in theaters? Finally and oftentimes most importantly, does this movie make sense which is why I'm going to scissor-kick the next person that tells me Transformers 2 was a great movie. Admittedly I'm a pretty cynical person, but that movie makes absolutely no sense. The only way that stupid fallen dickhead could have turned on the sun-sucking machine or whatever the fuck he was doing was if he had the cross of leadership. However, the only way a person can get the cross of leadership is by earning it and talking to transformer ghosts in Egypt. Ummmm . . . ok. Now, the only way the fallen guy could have gotten the cross of leadership (which is a stupid name by the way) was if someone else had gotten it, and then lost it. All these longshots had to come through. so yeah Michael Bay your movie looked really cool but it was fucking stupid. If Shia Lebouf had just stayed at home and banged Megan Fox everyone would have been fine. Instead, he runs across a live battlefield for like 25 minutes and not once does one of the 800 Decepticons just shoot a rocket at him or squish him. That's bullcrap. But I digress.
In case you don't know what The Book of Eli is about I'll give you a quick summary. In a post-apocalyptic future Denzel Washington has a book. Gary Oldman wants it so that he can use it to control people. Hmmm, a book that has been used to control the way people think . . . nope I can't think of what it is. Now my three question: Would I see this movie again? Maybe but I definitely would not pay to see it. Second, does this movie receive a theater recommendation? No, do not waste 11 dollars on this movie. If you have Netflix, yeah it may be worth watching eventually because there were some pretty entertaining parts but the last half hour drags and kind of ruins everything that came before it. There was a slight twist at the end that I didn't foresee, but the end is still predictable. Does this movie make sense? Yeah there's nothing in there that made me say, "Well that's just stupid." I know, I just have a way with words. The plot's not great but at the very least, it makes sense even if its not original. I'm pretty sure they stole the ending from Ray Bradbury but this blog frowns upon researching things. Overall, the movie's not bad. I think Denzel Washington gave a really solid performance, plus he's just so dreamy, and all of the acting was well done. My problem is that from the very beginning you pretty much knew exactly how the movie was going to play out and while this was a similar flaw in Avatar, The Book of Eli didn't have the stunning visual effects that made Avatar so enjoyable. I think The Book of Eli was a decent movie, but I think that it could have been much, much better.
For those of you that were concerned about what survives an apocalypse, here's a small list:
1. Motorcycle Gangs, which was a relief after their brutal treatment from South Park.
2. Crazy Old People
3. Swearing and sarcasm, you're fuckin right they do
4. Product Placements featuring quality products from Busch, Motorola and GMC. Don't tell me the future doesn't look bright.
5. Bartering and trading. Money? Apparently not.
-Slick
In case you don't know what The Book of Eli is about I'll give you a quick summary. In a post-apocalyptic future Denzel Washington has a book. Gary Oldman wants it so that he can use it to control people. Hmmm, a book that has been used to control the way people think . . . nope I can't think of what it is. Now my three question: Would I see this movie again? Maybe but I definitely would not pay to see it. Second, does this movie receive a theater recommendation? No, do not waste 11 dollars on this movie. If you have Netflix, yeah it may be worth watching eventually because there were some pretty entertaining parts but the last half hour drags and kind of ruins everything that came before it. There was a slight twist at the end that I didn't foresee, but the end is still predictable. Does this movie make sense? Yeah there's nothing in there that made me say, "Well that's just stupid." I know, I just have a way with words. The plot's not great but at the very least, it makes sense even if its not original. I'm pretty sure they stole the ending from Ray Bradbury but this blog frowns upon researching things. Overall, the movie's not bad. I think Denzel Washington gave a really solid performance, plus he's just so dreamy, and all of the acting was well done. My problem is that from the very beginning you pretty much knew exactly how the movie was going to play out and while this was a similar flaw in Avatar, The Book of Eli didn't have the stunning visual effects that made Avatar so enjoyable. I think The Book of Eli was a decent movie, but I think that it could have been much, much better.
For those of you that were concerned about what survives an apocalypse, here's a small list:
1. Motorcycle Gangs, which was a relief after their brutal treatment from South Park.
2. Crazy Old People
3. Swearing and sarcasm, you're fuckin right they do
4. Product Placements featuring quality products from Busch, Motorola and GMC. Don't tell me the future doesn't look bright.
5. Bartering and trading. Money? Apparently not.
-Slick
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Samuel Adams Cranberry Lambic is . . .
the most disgusting beer I've ever had. That even includes Scotch Ale, which as any loyal drinker knows is always the last beer left in the variety pack. But this post isn't about bashing on Scotch Ale although I'm sure that will be done at some point.
Before I opened it I was wondering why the Cranberry Lambic was the only beer left in my friend's fridge but I thought, "Hey it's a Sam Adams so it must be good." HUGE mistake. Going into the night my only goal was to drink a beer that tasted like shitty cranberry juice. Well then, mission accomplished. Now typically I like beers that have fruity flavors: blueberries, blackberries . . . and uh . . . pumpkins (which of course is not a fruit but I'll take any opportunity to promote Shipyard Pumpkinhead, by far the best pumpkin-flavored beer on the market). So there I was, faced with the choice of drinking a Cranberry Lambic or drinking nothing. Crangrape . . . good. Cranapple . . . good. Cranchops . . . probably good. So i decided that cranberry beer must be good because you can put cranberies with anything. Turns out that you can't so thanks a lot Brian Regan and your stupid cranberry related comedy. I was "not feeling well" when I had the Lambic so I can't really tell you why it sucks, but I know that it does. That has to be the fastest I've ever gone from drinking a beer to "relocating" that beer, but hey that's how the supermodels do it.
So if you're at the liquor store thinking, "Cranberry beer, it's probably pretty good" trust me and my friend's throw-up-covered-kitchen-sink in saying that it'll be the worst beer you've ever had.
-Slick
Before I opened it I was wondering why the Cranberry Lambic was the only beer left in my friend's fridge but I thought, "Hey it's a Sam Adams so it must be good." HUGE mistake. Going into the night my only goal was to drink a beer that tasted like shitty cranberry juice. Well then, mission accomplished. Now typically I like beers that have fruity flavors: blueberries, blackberries . . . and uh . . . pumpkins (which of course is not a fruit but I'll take any opportunity to promote Shipyard Pumpkinhead, by far the best pumpkin-flavored beer on the market). So there I was, faced with the choice of drinking a Cranberry Lambic or drinking nothing. Crangrape . . . good. Cranapple . . . good. Cranchops . . . probably good. So i decided that cranberry beer must be good because you can put cranberies with anything. Turns out that you can't so thanks a lot Brian Regan and your stupid cranberry related comedy. I was "not feeling well" when I had the Lambic so I can't really tell you why it sucks, but I know that it does. That has to be the fastest I've ever gone from drinking a beer to "relocating" that beer, but hey that's how the supermodels do it.
So if you're at the liquor store thinking, "Cranberry beer, it's probably pretty good" trust me and my friend's throw-up-covered-kitchen-sink in saying that it'll be the worst beer you've ever had.
-Slick
Wes Welker is. . .
overrated. I'm talking Duke Blue Devils overrated. But more on that after football season.
(Pausing for Patriots fans to finish swearing at me)
Think about it. He caught like 120 passes and only scored 4 touchdowns, which ties him with Spencer Havner. Who? He's a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. Yes, a linebacker. That means he plays defense. To Welker's credit though this season was an improvement over last year's 3 TD performance. So 7 TDs in 2 years makes you an elite wide receiver? I know there's more to the game than just touchdowns but great wide recievers score touchdowns.
What were you thinking when Welker got hurt? I know many Pats fans (other than you Jon) thought they would be fine with Julian Edelman taking over. Welker is being replaced by a Rookie 7th Round Pick who played quarterback in college and Pats fans aren't worried. And I agree with them. Edelman did a fine job when Welker was hurt earlier this year. Would I being saying the same thing if Edelman was playing in place of Randy Moss? No chance. That was like Scalabrine replacing Garnett in last year's playoffs and we all know how that ended. Yet Wes Welker was voted a Pro Bowler and Randy Moss only made it cause of the Welker injury.
So Patriots fans, look at the facts. Wes Welker is not that good. Not nearly as good as you think he is.
-Matt
(Pausing for Patriots fans to finish swearing at me)
Think about it. He caught like 120 passes and only scored 4 touchdowns, which ties him with Spencer Havner. Who? He's a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. Yes, a linebacker. That means he plays defense. To Welker's credit though this season was an improvement over last year's 3 TD performance. So 7 TDs in 2 years makes you an elite wide receiver? I know there's more to the game than just touchdowns but great wide recievers score touchdowns.
What were you thinking when Welker got hurt? I know many Pats fans (other than you Jon) thought they would be fine with Julian Edelman taking over. Welker is being replaced by a Rookie 7th Round Pick who played quarterback in college and Pats fans aren't worried. And I agree with them. Edelman did a fine job when Welker was hurt earlier this year. Would I being saying the same thing if Edelman was playing in place of Randy Moss? No chance. That was like Scalabrine replacing Garnett in last year's playoffs and we all know how that ended. Yet Wes Welker was voted a Pro Bowler and Randy Moss only made it cause of the Welker injury.
So Patriots fans, look at the facts. Wes Welker is not that good. Not nearly as good as you think he is.
-Matt
Tekken 6 is. . .
wicked awesome with other people, and pretty lame without them.
-Jon
I have been a huge fan of the Tekken series since I first played Tekken 3 whenever it was released (see, this is what I mean about the lack of research). So it was pretty much a given that I was going to be getting this when it came out. (Discounted on Amazon with free shipping and no tax. Score). I am pretty glad that I did. Except that playing against the computer is lame. The AI is ridiculous and varies from borderline brain damaged to super cheap without any kind of warning. At least there is online play.
Against other people the game is great. I have played my brothers, my roommate, my brothers' friends, etc. It's like a completely different game. Take everything bad about playing the computer and reverse it, and that's what playing against an actual person is like. Even online with it's lag issues is an improvement over the computer.
(To be fair, the lag issue may be my fault for insisting on playing with a wireless connection instead of running an ethernet cable to the PS3. I have heard that a wired connection improves this problem, but that just isn't going to happen.)
Pros
-Playing with other people is awesome
-The characters seem pretty balanced, apart from my long-standing issues with hating Eddy Gordo/Christie Monteiro
-It's Tekken, which makes it pretty much awesome by default.
Cons
-Load times are ridiculously long. Before the game loads, before every match, after picking a character, you do a lot of waiting. Solution: have your DS handy with a nice turn-based game loaded
-Lag online
-Scenario Campaign is much more annoying than Tekken Force, and it's required if you want to put your characters into ridiculous outfits
Conclusion
If you like fighting games, you pretty much have to get this one. Not having it is the equivalent of calling yourself a fan of The Big Lebowski without knowing Jesus' last name.
-Jon
A New Blog!
It's one thing to write about burgers. However, it's an entirely different thing to write about everything!
While writing about all the burgers is fun, it doesn't give me nearly enough chances to make fun of other things. Fortunately, this is the internet and everyone is allowed to have a forum to voice their opinions, regardless of how stupid they are. If you're looking for poorly thought out, under-researched and over-opinionated blog posts, you have come to the right place.
Enjoy. Or don't. I don't care.
-Jon
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