The Lonely Island is. . .

pretty hilarious. And that's in spite of Andy Samberg's ridiculous appearance.

Here is a completely non-critical critique of the 8 Lonely Island videos that I have watched more than a normal person should have. Maybe I should find a job. Nah..... Also, I hope that all the video embeds still work by the time you read this.

Lazy Sunday (with Chris Parnell)

This is widely regarded as the video that launched them, but only because it's the first music video (they had a fake commercial or something before this, but I don't remember it so it doesn't count).

Everyone else liked this a lot more than I did, but there were still cupcakes in here so that's good enough for me. Plus, it paved the way for the other shorts. And that's good enough to be ranked 7th.

Dick-in-a-box (with Justin Timberlake)

Is this really over 5 years old? I remember when Chris first showed it to us, and it was pretty much the theme of that Christmas. No, not literally, sickos.

I couldn't find an embeddable video (after almost 15 whole seconds of looking), so you'll have to click this link instead. I still can't decide on the funniest part of this video. It's gotta either be the 3 step process for making the dick-in-a-box gift, or the hilarious Justin Timberlake outfits.

This is probably my 2nd favorite Lonely Island video.

Like a Boss (with Seth Rogan)

This video is silly. Well, they all are, but this one is especially silly. You know what, just go watch it.

It's pretty repetitive, but I think the part at the end where Seth Rogan is asking him the questions is funny. The rest is just ok, leaving this video at only number 8 in the power rankings.

I'm on a Boat (with T-Pain)

James and I used to rock out to this song when he and Nicole lived here. Nicole hated it. Obviously, as a female, she lacks a sense of humor.

Come on! This video is hilarious. Plus the song is actually pretty good. T-Pain saying the end of every line is especially funny when they all end in "motherfucker." If this song comes on after I've been drinking, then things are going to get silly. In a surprise victory, this song is my #1 Lonely Island jam.

On the Ground

Who doesn't want to walk around throwing things on the ground? Nobody I know.

Best part? Throwing the kid's cake on the ground and then calling him a jackass. Followed closely by the crazy look in Ryan Reynolds' eyes when he pulls out his taser. This video would be at the top of a list based on actual real-life application, but in Lonely Island hilarity, it gets 4th.

I Just Had Sex (with Akon)

Obviously Akon (aka New Nate Dogg) couldn't let T-Pain (aka new Akon) do one of this videos without getting in on the action.

This song would have been even better if it hadn't been so annoyingly popular with my former students, who, in theory, shouldn't have been having sex in middle school. Oh well. Stupid kids. I love the part where Akon lets them know that any sex is good sex ("she put a bag on my head..." "Still counts!"). This gets the coveted number 5 spot.

Jack Sparrow (with Michael Bolton)

Wow, Michael Bolton is still around? That is good news. Specifically because it means he could be a part of this song.

Everything about this video is hilarious. Bolton's dressing like Jack Sparrow, the other guys' reactions to Bolton, "Now back to the good part!" with that silly hat, and then when he starts trying other movies. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I really thought that Bolton was being Sarah Jessica Parker and not Erin Brockovich. Seriously, are he and SJP twins separated at birth? This relative newcomer takes 3rd place.

3-Way (with Justin Timberlake and supposedly Lady Gaga)

This video just came out like a week ago.

Yeah, so it claims that the girl in this video is Lady Gaga, but she doesn't look like the train wreck she usually is, so I'm skeptical. Also, Kate has vetoed those overalls they're wearing at the beginning from being my wedding attire. That's sad. Not sad? The instant replay at the end of the video where the girl is labeled.

Obviously this video gets 6th, since that's the only spot left.

Hopefully there are many more ridiculous videos coming in the future. Or if not, at least I can just watch these a whole bunch more times.

-Jon

Hopefully This Will Clear Things Up

So, as you can see, things are really out of my hands. I tried going beardless at the beginning of April, and it apparently did not work out.

Also, I like making silly charts. This might become a thing.

-Jon

The Beer-hemoth VI

Yup, the Beer-hemoth is back, and has now been upgraded with Roman numerals. They're so much fancier than those Arabic ones.

This will be my most poorly written Beer-hemoth yet, for a multitude of reasons. Most importantly, it was raining, so I couldn't take notes on my phone without risking water damage. And I don't think that is covered by the insurance. In addition, I forgot 2 of the beers that I tried, and I can't find them in the little brewfest booklet. You don't have to be ashamed of me; I am ashamed enough for the both of us. Finally, the event was several days ago, so this should have been done on Sunday. Er, I mean, of course I wrote this on Sunday. Just look at the date up there!

This past Saturday (um, I mean yesterday) was the 2nd annual Brattleboro Brewers Festival, so Kate and I took a trip up there after my track meet. You might recall that the original Beer-hemoth was inspired by last year's BBF. You can go back and read that one to remind yourself how awesome I used to be.

I know what you're all wondering, and the answer is no, I did not see any pregnant women drinking at this brewfest. Yes, I'm as shocked as you are.

And now for the beers! At the BBF, you get 8 tickets, but I managed to try 9 beers. One guy was pretty cool and didn't really care about the whole ticket policy. Thanks, Bro Montana! Unlike the other Beer-hemoths, these ones are not presented in order of consumption. Deal with it. I also didn't spend any of my tickets on beers that are easily acquired in Greenfield, so there won't be anything from BBC, People's Pint, Element, etc. I'll just buy the beer straight from them if I want it.

We'll start off, ironically, with the beer I finished the festival drinking: South Mountain Stout from Bobcat Brewery. You are going to notice a theme of stouts. I did not have a chance to ask the brewers if they used actual bobcats in their brewing process, but this beer did not taste like it. This was a pretty good beer, and since it wasn't an imperial stout, it was a nice change from all the stouts I've been drinking lately. It was a good beer to finish the day on. You never want your last beer to be a dud.

Another good stout was McNeill's Brewery's Reagin's Stout. This beer was the beer I had 2 beers before the previously mentioned beer, even though I am discussing it after that beer. That last sentence makes my head ache. I enjoyed this beer more than, say, McNeill's Dark Angel, which was good but a little hoppy for a stout. Reagin's Stout is a lot mellower and easy to drink.

In between those beers, I drank Northshire Chocolate Stout from Northshire Brewery. Surprisingly, I didn't really enjoy it. How can a beer with chocolate go wrong? I just don't get it.

During one of the periodic downpours, we found ourselves at the booth for The Shed, a brewpub and restaurant. I decided to have their Sanity IPA, which was an excellent choice. It was nice and hoppy, but not overly dry or bitter. Mmmm!

One of the places I had to try a beer from was Trout River Brewing Company. That is an amusing name, and made me think of Chloe. I decided to go with the Knightslayer Imperial Stout, strictly based on the Knightslayer part. Hey, I've got a weakness for all that medieval stuff. At a hefty 10.5% ABV, you'd think this beer would be a major kick in the tongue, but it wasn't at all. It was super smooth, like drinking velvet. Good flavor as well. It took me a long time to finish though, because it really felt like a huge event for each sip.

Victory Brewing Company had their dog with them, so I wanted to try a beer from them. Just kidding. Not about the dog, but about the dog being the reason I wanted one of their beers. I really wanted one because the Headwaters Pale Ale sounded delicious. And it was! I am absolutely getting a bottle of this next time I'm at either Ryan & Casey or at Table & Vine. If you like pale ale at all, try this one. You will be happy you did. Or you can give it to me. Win-win!

And finally, we get to the only beer I tried but did not finish. I have bad memories of Woodstock Inn Brewery's Kane Country Maple Porter. This is a porter beer brewed with real maple syrup. And for me, that just resulted in a sickly sweet flavor that I simply did not enjoy.

There were 2 other beers I tried, but I can't find them in this pamphlet. I am almost positive one of them was a porter, and I have no idea about the other one. Sorry about that! But overall, I would say that the beers I chose made a good showing, and it was good for Kate to get out of her house for a while. I think those pugs are starting to drive her crazy.

-Jon

More Reasons to Hate the Cable Company That Shall Not Be Named

I hate this cable company. Jon has gone into great detail about this company and why it is terrible. I have found a couple more reasons recently.

1. The HD channel numbers are completely different from the non-HD channel numbers. It has taken me 3 months to master the cable lineup, but we recently got an HDTV. So, I go to TBS, and it’s not in HD. So, I had to flip around the 700s for 5 minutes to find it. TBS is channel 29; TBS HD is like 743 or something, see I still don’t know it, because I’m not wasting my time memorizing two sets of numbers. (The TV in my room is not HD so I’m not going to just remember the HD channel numbers.) Comcast’s HD channels are the regular channel number with an 8 in front of it. Convenient! Also, Comcast gives you the option to go directly to the HD channel if you go to the regular channel. Convenience! Something the cable company that shall not be named hates.

2. I hate this company’s DVR service. I recently tried watching the Office and I had to sit through 3 car commercials during the show. It wouldn’t let me fast forward through them. It was the same god damn commercial. If it was one of those progressive Flo commercials, I would’ve seriously called the company. I’m not even joking. Those commercials and the Miller Lite “Man Up” commercials are an insult to the public consumer. If advertisers think that the public thinks those commercials are funny, then they have no respect for us.

3. I’m pretty sure we STILL don’t get NFL network. It’s fucking 2011 and the channel has been available for at least 5 years. Stop being so cheap, cable company who I’m not going to name.

-Pat the Intern

Billionaires vs. Millionaires? Not Really

If the NFL doesn't have a football season this fall, the Mmmm, opinions staff members are going to be upset. Safe to say, Slick might even be enraged. We can blame all of this on. . .

The owners.

The median net worth of an owner in the NFL is over $1 billion. Ralph Wilson, owner of the Buffalo Bills, ranked 26th in NFL owners with a net worth of over $900 million in 2010. On the other hand, the median salary of an NFL player in 2009 was $770,000. This means that more than half of the players in the NFL make less than $1 million. I keep reading articles about how both sides are greedy and how it's billionaires vs. millionaires. However, after doing 8 minutes of research and without a degree in English or Journalism, I have just proven this not to be so.

The owners are simply greedy. They already have it made!

1. They could backload players' contracts and then cut the player if his performance fell off.
2. They can force a player to play for their team by franchise tagging him.
3. The contracts weren't guaranteed. (Also, "non-guaranteed contract" is an oxymoron.)

And the players were fine with keeping the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) the way it was! None of the owners even needs the money. How much money is enough for one person to have? However, NFL players aren't as rich as some people think.

Think about it: a Dartmouth study found the median career length to be 4 years. Multiply this by the median salary and you get $3.08 million as the median amount of money made by a player in the NFL. $3.08 million is a lot of money. However, if you retire around age 27, you aren't going to live the rest of your life on $3.08 million. So the players have every right to bargain for more money, especially since their bodies are the commodities being used by the owners.

Another reason why the owners are greedy is that they want more games to be played. I've already pointed out that players have short careers. The owners are going to shorten the median career length of a player by adding more games to the schedule. If the owners get an 18-game schedule like they want, that means there are 2 more games a season where a player can get injured. And seriously injured players aren't useful to greedy owners.

So it's not billionaires vs. millionaires, but billionaires wanting more money, wanting to give players less, and wanting to make players work more.

-Pat the Intern