If I could make one Facebook request, it would be that people learn when to use apostrophes. Or that Bitstrips were gone. Or maybe that people would stop trying to have any kind of political discourse. Jesus, why do I even use Facebook?
Ok, let's focus on this week's most annoying thing about Facebook, which is people who post stupid shit like, "Oh, thanks for inviting me" or anything like that about events to which they apparently were not invited. And based on their whiny post, my guess is that their invite went missing because they suck. Seriously, how entitled to you have to be to think that you should be invited to all these things? Do you really think these people want your bitchy ass on their vacations with them? Or at dinner? Or really anywhere? I'm shocked that you haven't been deleted from their Friend list, and slightly less surprised that no one has just straight out deleted you from life.
I am going to run a mini-experiment, which is probably going to cause me a great deal of annoyance. Since someone today complained about not being invited to something that they had probably previously expressed no interest whatsoever in, I am going to see if the idiotic friends of my friends can go one week without the words "thanks" "invite" and "me" appearing together. If they do, I will celebrate by drinking a beer or three. And if they can't, I will mourn the stupidity of the world with a beer or three. And maybe delete Facebook. I can only imagine that decision freeing up some time in my life and decreasing the amount of annoying things I deal with substantially. Facebook: Making the World Stupid Day by Day. It's their unofficial slogan.
-Jon
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
I Played GTA V...
This will remain as spoiler-free as possible, because apparently people care about that kind of stuff. The easy thing to do would be just not to read this, but you seem to lack the self-control necessary for that and instead will blame it on me for ruining the game for you. It's not like I'm texting stuff to your phone, or holding your eyes open like A Clockwork Orange.
Let's get the important point out of the way first: this is a fun game, and you should probably play it unless you're like 11 years old or something. It's probably not a game for those kinds of people, since you get to bang whores and kill people and stuff like that. Generally stuff that you don't want little kids seeing or emulating or well, actually going out and doing. Not a week goes by where I don't hear about some 10 year old robbing a hooker. Or maybe that was a dream.
Driving is this game is different from the last one. Maybe. It definitely feels different. The fast cars definitely feel faster, but everything feels a little more slippery. And all the other drivers are very fragile. If you hit another car, they're almost definitely dying. Fine, that's funny because it's a game, but every single driver that dies ends up leaning forward onto the horn (which is how I know when I've killed someone (every single time I drive a car)), and that's absurdly annoying. It's also a lot harder to explode cars in this one. Back in the day, cars would go from working, to smoking, to being on fire, to exploding and being a fiery former car. And that was awesome. You could drive around, smashing cars, and then use the car as a bomb when it finally burst into flames. Obviously completely unrealistic, but who cares? Shooting 30 people and then hiding in a tunnel until the cops give up their search is unrealistic too, but that happens regularly. Bring back fireballs of death!
Also, the cars are now more damageable (probably not a word) even though they don't catch on fire. Getting hit by a couple cops means that you usually are going to get a damaged wheel and then the car drives absurdly horribly. Which brings up the next point: trying to change vehicles while the cops are after you is basically a death sentence. It takes like 4 hours to get out of a car, pick a new car, get into it and start it. Not that you're going to make it that far, because you've already been shot to death. I die a lot in this game. Mostly by cops, but also by various other things.
Within my first few hours of playing, I had fallen off a freeway (totally my fault), been shot to death several times (probably not my fault... those cops have a hair trigger about hitting their cars or shooting their friends), flown through a windshield (apparently traffic light poles can be knocked down but trees cannot), and been mauled by a mountain lion. Yeah, a mountain lion. They're instant deaths. If you hear one roar, you have a couple seconds to kill it or else you're mauled. I have no idea if this is true for sharks or not, because I murder those fuckers as soon as they appear. No Jaws bullshit here. I also started a gang fight. Sort of. They were a gang, I was a single person. They won. Although later, once I'd gotten some quality assault weapons and figured out how to hide behind stuff, those gang members have been getting mowed down on the regular.
So, some improvements from GTA4. The biggest one is you no longer have to deal with your stupid asshole friends calling you all the time ("Hey cousin, we should go bowling!" "Shut the fuck up, Roman!!"). That was easily the worst thing about the game. I also like the new weapon wheel, which makes it easy to switch from pistol to assault rifle to grenade launcher, which were really the only things I used. Sniper rifle too, but I always planned that one ahead and didn't really need to be switching around. Minigun? Yeah, but here come the cops. Rocket launcher? Too slow, but good for helicopter issues (although they are always replaced almost instantly by more helicopters. Go away, assholes!). Nothing else was really important for me, and I got through the game so there's that.
Non-improvements? Well, the cars are a little weird, but I'm much less happy about how fragile the main characters feel. I have almost maximum stats, but I'm constantly dying. Yeah, I suck, but I sucked equally as Niko and didn't spend so much time being released from the hospital. Let me just run around murdering fools! That's half the fun (the other half being driving around murdering fools). Also the non-fireball-cars-of-doom. I loved those things.
So go play this game, and think about what a horrible person that makes you as you kill whores and put sticky bombs on other people's cars.
-Jon
Let's get the important point out of the way first: this is a fun game, and you should probably play it unless you're like 11 years old or something. It's probably not a game for those kinds of people, since you get to bang whores and kill people and stuff like that. Generally stuff that you don't want little kids seeing or emulating or well, actually going out and doing. Not a week goes by where I don't hear about some 10 year old robbing a hooker. Or maybe that was a dream.
Driving is this game is different from the last one. Maybe. It definitely feels different. The fast cars definitely feel faster, but everything feels a little more slippery. And all the other drivers are very fragile. If you hit another car, they're almost definitely dying. Fine, that's funny because it's a game, but every single driver that dies ends up leaning forward onto the horn (which is how I know when I've killed someone (every single time I drive a car)), and that's absurdly annoying. It's also a lot harder to explode cars in this one. Back in the day, cars would go from working, to smoking, to being on fire, to exploding and being a fiery former car. And that was awesome. You could drive around, smashing cars, and then use the car as a bomb when it finally burst into flames. Obviously completely unrealistic, but who cares? Shooting 30 people and then hiding in a tunnel until the cops give up their search is unrealistic too, but that happens regularly. Bring back fireballs of death!
Also, the cars are now more damageable (probably not a word) even though they don't catch on fire. Getting hit by a couple cops means that you usually are going to get a damaged wheel and then the car drives absurdly horribly. Which brings up the next point: trying to change vehicles while the cops are after you is basically a death sentence. It takes like 4 hours to get out of a car, pick a new car, get into it and start it. Not that you're going to make it that far, because you've already been shot to death. I die a lot in this game. Mostly by cops, but also by various other things.
Within my first few hours of playing, I had fallen off a freeway (totally my fault), been shot to death several times (probably not my fault... those cops have a hair trigger about hitting their cars or shooting their friends), flown through a windshield (apparently traffic light poles can be knocked down but trees cannot), and been mauled by a mountain lion. Yeah, a mountain lion. They're instant deaths. If you hear one roar, you have a couple seconds to kill it or else you're mauled. I have no idea if this is true for sharks or not, because I murder those fuckers as soon as they appear. No Jaws bullshit here. I also started a gang fight. Sort of. They were a gang, I was a single person. They won. Although later, once I'd gotten some quality assault weapons and figured out how to hide behind stuff, those gang members have been getting mowed down on the regular.
So, some improvements from GTA4. The biggest one is you no longer have to deal with your stupid asshole friends calling you all the time ("Hey cousin, we should go bowling!" "Shut the fuck up, Roman!!"). That was easily the worst thing about the game. I also like the new weapon wheel, which makes it easy to switch from pistol to assault rifle to grenade launcher, which were really the only things I used. Sniper rifle too, but I always planned that one ahead and didn't really need to be switching around. Minigun? Yeah, but here come the cops. Rocket launcher? Too slow, but good for helicopter issues (although they are always replaced almost instantly by more helicopters. Go away, assholes!). Nothing else was really important for me, and I got through the game so there's that.
Non-improvements? Well, the cars are a little weird, but I'm much less happy about how fragile the main characters feel. I have almost maximum stats, but I'm constantly dying. Yeah, I suck, but I sucked equally as Niko and didn't spend so much time being released from the hospital. Let me just run around murdering fools! That's half the fun (the other half being driving around murdering fools). Also the non-fireball-cars-of-doom. I loved those things.
So go play this game, and think about what a horrible person that makes you as you kill whores and put sticky bombs on other people's cars.
-Jon
Thursday, September 26, 2013
So You're Taking Your Kids Out in Public...
Apparently there are a lot of people out there with kids. I know because I am forced to endure their noise while I'm out to dinner / avoid them with my grocery cart / wait for them to pick a fucking candy bar / take the stairs instead of the escalator due to all sorts of kid-based shenanigans. Now I'm not advocating an end to reproduction, as that would probably lead to the end of humankind (although to be fair we're doing a pretty good job of steering the world in that direction anyways). I just think that maybe you should train your kids better. Is that the right word? Train? Maybe I mean that your kids should fear your wrath and not act like stupid assholes all the time. Like a wise man once said,* "it's easy to make a kid, but it's actually a lot of work to raise one." People seem to only remember the first part.
Because I am a helpful guy, I decided to make this handy guide to the probability of your kid(s) behaving in a public setting, converted into a percentage. Let's face it; if you aren't already aware of this, any non-percentage based probabilities are probably far behind your level of comprehension.
Grocery Store - 0%
Do not bring your kids to the grocery store. They are going to behave for roughly 13 seconds, and then the rest of the trip is going to be miserable. And not just for you. For everyone around you, like the old couple that is just trying to find their Metamucil except your little bastard keeps bumping their cart, which they're using as support in place of their cane (which is almost certainly laid across the top). That guy is probably a war veteran, and he probably wishes he was back in Korea instead of dealing with this bullshit. At least in Korea he could shoot people.
CVS - 60% (Maybe?)
If my trip to CVS takes longer than 6 minutes, something has gone terribly wrong, so this figure may be slightly inflated by the fact that I don't get to witness the entirety of the shopping trip. Most parents can keep their kids under control that long as long as their is a chance the kid is getting something from the candy rack at the front of the store. As soon as the candy is out of play, I'm guessing shit is about to get real. Real loud.
Restaurant (Your Choice) - negative 100%
This figure represents the fact that not only is your kid going to ruin your night, he (or she, but let's be honest, the worst kids at restaurants are always boys) is also going to fuck up my date night. My wife and I work a shitload of hours every week, with her saving lives and helping sick people and me making the world a better (smelling) place, and all we want is one nice dinner together that isn't pasta, and you can't even give us that. You're a real selfish jerk.
Restaurant (Kid's Choice) - N/A
Are you seriously letting your kid pick the restaurant? No wonder you have such a hard time with discipline. No 4-year-old should be calling the shots. Grow up, Peter Pan.
Mall (Single Store) - 75%
If you are just hitting up Sears really quickly to grab a pair of pants, you're golden. Get in, get the pants, get the fuck out. Don't try them on, just guess. The clock is ticking here.
Mall (Multiple Stores) - 0%
Yeah, now you're fucked. The instant you walk into the mall, a kid has some kind of universal internal clock that all kids have at the mall. I am not sure of the timer on this thing, but trust me when I tell you it's short, and the result when it hits zero is going to be messy. Whether it's some kind of escalator-based jackassery, or hiding in the clothes racks at Macy's, or some sort of food court screaming fit, shit is going to be hitting the fan. Actually, that fan/shit meeting may also be a literal possibility depending on the age of your kid.
Feel free to print this handy guide out and use it whenever you're considering ruining someone else's day just because you don't want to pay the babysitter.
-Jon
*It was me. I said that. And it's as true today as it was then. Just look at all those dumb bitches on Teen Mom.
Because I am a helpful guy, I decided to make this handy guide to the probability of your kid(s) behaving in a public setting, converted into a percentage. Let's face it; if you aren't already aware of this, any non-percentage based probabilities are probably far behind your level of comprehension.
Grocery Store - 0%
Do not bring your kids to the grocery store. They are going to behave for roughly 13 seconds, and then the rest of the trip is going to be miserable. And not just for you. For everyone around you, like the old couple that is just trying to find their Metamucil except your little bastard keeps bumping their cart, which they're using as support in place of their cane (which is almost certainly laid across the top). That guy is probably a war veteran, and he probably wishes he was back in Korea instead of dealing with this bullshit. At least in Korea he could shoot people.
CVS - 60% (Maybe?)
If my trip to CVS takes longer than 6 minutes, something has gone terribly wrong, so this figure may be slightly inflated by the fact that I don't get to witness the entirety of the shopping trip. Most parents can keep their kids under control that long as long as their is a chance the kid is getting something from the candy rack at the front of the store. As soon as the candy is out of play, I'm guessing shit is about to get real. Real loud.
Restaurant (Your Choice) - negative 100%
This figure represents the fact that not only is your kid going to ruin your night, he (or she, but let's be honest, the worst kids at restaurants are always boys) is also going to fuck up my date night. My wife and I work a shitload of hours every week, with her saving lives and helping sick people and me making the world a better (smelling) place, and all we want is one nice dinner together that isn't pasta, and you can't even give us that. You're a real selfish jerk.
Restaurant (Kid's Choice) - N/A
Are you seriously letting your kid pick the restaurant? No wonder you have such a hard time with discipline. No 4-year-old should be calling the shots. Grow up, Peter Pan.
Mall (Single Store) - 75%
If you are just hitting up Sears really quickly to grab a pair of pants, you're golden. Get in, get the pants, get the fuck out. Don't try them on, just guess. The clock is ticking here.
Mall (Multiple Stores) - 0%
Yeah, now you're fucked. The instant you walk into the mall, a kid has some kind of universal internal clock that all kids have at the mall. I am not sure of the timer on this thing, but trust me when I tell you it's short, and the result when it hits zero is going to be messy. Whether it's some kind of escalator-based jackassery, or hiding in the clothes racks at Macy's, or some sort of food court screaming fit, shit is going to be hitting the fan. Actually, that fan/shit meeting may also be a literal possibility depending on the age of your kid.
Feel free to print this handy guide out and use it whenever you're considering ruining someone else's day just because you don't want to pay the babysitter.
-Jon
*It was me. I said that. And it's as true today as it was then. Just look at all those dumb bitches on Teen Mom.
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