Bill and Jon's Excellent Beer-Making Adventure

There's an old adage about food that says something like "if you make it yourself, it's always going to taste better than something someone else makes for you." I'm not exactly sure that's true (I've had some pretty delicious cheeseburgers prepared for me that I don't think I could recreate), but it is true that if you make something for others, they'll tell you it's good even if it's not. Unless you're at a restaurant or on Iron Chef, in which case no matter what you do, people will say it's not that great.

With that in mind, I decided that I wanted to brew beer. This was made especially easy after Kate got me a sweet brewkit for my birthday. Boil kettle, fermentation bucket, bottling bucket, siphon tubes, bottle wand, hydrometer, capper, the whole works. Plus all the ingredients to make my first beer! I could either use all the hops and aim for an IPA, or leave out the last hop addition and get a hoppy pale ale. I chose IPA. Might as well go all out.

To assist me in my efforts slash help me make a mess of the kitchen, Bill came up. I figure if one person with no idea what's going on can make a beer (according to my books and the guy at Brewtopia), then two people with no idea what's going on can make a beer that's twice as disastrous!

I started the first 2 gallons of water boiling before Bill arrived since watching water boil is about as exciting as... well, watching water boil. I also put the grain bag in there, so when he walked in (with a sweet Iced Mocha Latte for me!), there was already a nice grainy aroma permeating the kitchen. We quickly took care of our lattes and got serious about brewing, which basically means that we started drinking Pumpkinhead and let the water keep boiling. I kid you not, the first step in my instructions is "Relax. Don't worry. Have a homebrew." As this was my first batch of beer, no homebrew was available, but the directions said it was ok to substitute a different craft beer.

Once we hit the boiling point, things started to get crazy. Bill took the steaming hot grain bag outside to dump the grain while I started adding malt. And also the priming sugar, which I was not supposed to do, but I got a little over excited mixing things into the pot and it wasn't labeled. So that was mistake #1. I also stuck the first hop addition back into the grain bag, tossed it into the boil and set my clock for 60 minutes. I am not sure the grain bag is supposed to be used for hops, but I have no way to filter the hops out of the wort, so my options are a bit limited at the present.

Two more hop additions with 30 minutes to go and 5 minutes to go, and the "beer" was done. We put 3 more gallons of water into the fermentation bucket, I prepped the yeast and we started cooling our wort. Sadly, I was very impatient and only let the beer cool down to about 90 degrees before I decided to pitch my yeast. This was mistake #2. The ideal temperature for yeast is about 65-70 degrees, which I only learned about a week later. However, the yeast packet told me to activate it at 86-92 degrees, so I thought maybe things would be ok.

After about 9 days, the air lock on my fermentation bucket still hadn't done anything. Thinking that obviously I had killed the yeast with the high temperature, I picked up a second packet at the homebrew shop in Northampton where I learned an interesting fact. Apparently with the high humidity of the summer, sometimes the lid on the fermentation bucket can't seal completely, so the air escapes out the sides of the lid instead of through the air lock. The guy told me to pop the top and check for signs of fermentation. And it's a good thing I did (although I would have had to pop the top anyways since I was going to pitch a second yeast packet), as the beer had fermented! I decided to let it go a couple more days to account for the extra sugar and make sure the yeast had eaten everything. Go yeast! So it turns out that mistake #3 was thinking I had made a huge mistake and being wrong about it. Not too bad.

Finally, 13 days after brew day, it was time to bottle. I am a little paranoid about sanitation, so pretty much everything that touches the beer is doubled sanitized. Siphoning the beer into the bottling bucket was super easy (and a lot of fun) with my tubes, and I think I might get a second siphon to use as a pug sprayer. Then I started the bottling process. Bottling is also really easy, but I think next time I'm going to want a second person around to help. Or I'm going to need to evolve a second pair of arms. It was simple enough to fill a few bottles and cap them, but I think an assembly line process would just be smoother.

All in all, I ended up with 41 bottles of beer along with a puddle on the floor. That seems like a low total, so I'll have to check next time that I used enough water. It should be ready to drink by Labor Day weekend, so I'm pretty excited. You know, assuming that no hurricanes destroy it.

-Jon

Theory Vs. Application:

A Study of the Human Response to Several Common Stimuli In the Area of Automobile Piloting and Navigation

With my move to the northern portion of the state, I find myself driving a bit more than I did while living in the more Portuguese section of western Massachusetts. Not only does this give me many more opportunities to hate other people, I am almost positive that it's going to be taking several years off my lifespan. On the plus side, it gives you the opportunity to read some high quality ranting. The following is based on a completely (non)scientific study.

Situation: A police car parked in a construction zone on the highway, lights flashing

What people should be thinking: I should be driving carefully, as the road conditions may not be up to handling the normal speed limit with this construction.

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, a cop!!!! I'm already going 20 mph below the speed limit, but I'd better slow down to 5 mph just to be safe!!

Situation: On a two-lane highway, a sign warns that one lane is closing a mile ahead

What people should be thinking: I probably should move over to the open lane within the next mile.

Actual thought process: Wait, what did that say? Eh, probably not important. Oh shit, my lane is ending! Guess I'll just cut this guy off and give him a thank you wave as he pulls into the guard rail.

Situation: A police officer has a car pulled over

What people should be thinking: I should move over, or if I can't, I should slow down

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, a cop!!! I need to drive as slow as possible to make sure he doesn't think I'm speeding just in case he decides to let that person off the hook, jump into his cruiser, and come pull me over instead. Plus then I can try to see if he pulled over a black guy.

Situation: A yield sign

What people should be thinking: If anyone is coming, I need to let them go first. Otherwise, it's my turn.

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, another car!!! I'd better floor it and get in front of it just so that I can get to my destination 2 seconds sooner. Safety be damned!!

Situation: A green traffic light changes to yellow

What people should be thinking: If it's safe to do so, I should stop. Otherwise, I should proceed cautiously through the intersection.

Actual thought process, option 1: Holy fucking shit, a yellow light!!! I'd better mash this gas pedal and blow through this intersection. I'm too important to be doing things like waiting at lights.

Actual thought process, option 2: Holy fucking shit, a yellow light!!! I'm going to stomp on my brakes and miss the stop line by a full 15 feet, blocking the crosswalk.

In case you're wondering, I witnessed all 5 of these situations today in a single trip to the dentist and back. Living up here is going to kill me.

-Jon

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume V: The Band Perry

That's right, this week we feature the Perry Family Band's offering "If I Die Young." Let me just begin by saying that I love this song. Like really unhealthily love it. Like possibly listened to 8 times in a row. Maybe. WHO KNOWS? That being said, the lyrics to this song are pretty dumb and nothing gives me more pleasure than making fun of other people's creativity. Also, as a sort of interesting backstory, The Band Perry is composed of three siblings. I just think that family bands must be really awkward when one of the band members wants to go bang a groupie. That just has to be an uncomfortable situation right? More interesting backstory, Kimberly Perry is like really, ridiculously good looking. So in the very unlikely chance that she and I ever end up dating, no one is to bring up this post where I bash her songwriting abilities? IS THAT CLEAR!?!? Under no circumstances is she to find out that Slick is really . . . no, wait. I can't divulge my secret identity. I've worked far too long to protect it. Finally, this song is not sung by Taylor Swift even though I was lied to and was told it was my girl T-Swifty. I should've known it wasn't her because it's not about an ex-boyfriend. I should always trust my Taylor Swift instincts, I knew it wasn't her but let myself get talked into it. Either way, let's just proceed to make fun of some lyrics.

If I die young, bury me in satin

Son of a bitch. I can already tell that this chick is going to be very high maintenance.

Lay me down on a bed roses

Ugh, fine. Let's go down to the flower shop and get this straightened out.

Me: How much would it cost to bury someone on a bed of roses?
Florist: Well that's going to set you back a pretty penny.
Me: Yeah I know but she really wanted it. So how much is it going to cost?
Florist: Well for a whole bed of roses you're going to need about 10 dozen roses. That's going to cost you about $600.
Me: How much for a bed of dandelions?

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me. WE JUST BURIED YOU, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SINK YOU IN A GODDAMN RIVER? Son of a bitch, I should've read her whole list of demands instead of just skimming the first couple words.

Send me away with the words of a love song

Not exactly the words I was thinking of right now.

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors

I bet you thought rainbows were just refracted light. Dumbass, obviously they're dead people.

Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray but she buries her baby

Ok, that's really sad. Even I'm not douchey enough to make fun of that. Ok, maybe I am. But I'm not going to.

The sharp knife of a short knife
Well, I've had just enough time

I'm not really sure what this means. Hopefully she explains it later.

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom

Me: I thought she was going to be wearing rainbow colors?
Me (after trying to think about it for 20 minutes): No, she's going to be a rainbow you jackass. She's going to be wearing white. GOD! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger

I don't know, maybe an Emerald? OMG! Maybe it's a chaos emerald and that's the reason she died so young.

No? No Sonic the Hedgehog fans? Whatever, I thought it was funny.

I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

This girl is obviously not from Ludlow.

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever

Even after you won't put out? Oh wait, I got it. This is sort of like that song by Meatloaf, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" where he's just saying whatever he's gotta say to get a lil' somethin' somethin'. Oh yeah, he'll love you forever. (wink wink)

Who would have thought that forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
I've had just enough time

YES! She did explain it. Phew, that was some really good foreshadowing. Wait, I still don't get the enough time thing. We're going to need the Hardy Boys to solve a mystery this big.

So put on your best, boys. I'll wear my pearls

A pearl necklace?

/definitely going to hell now

What I never did is done

head explodes

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar

After the cost of the funeral/unburial/burial at sea you'll be lucky to get a penny for your fucking thoughts. Greedy bitch.

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

Uhhh, no. It's the peace and quiet that's worth so much.

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing

Yeah, well I paid a whole penny for them. I don't have that kind of money to just throw away.

Funny, when you're dead how people start listenin'

And all it took was the death of one high maintenance prude. Who'da thunk it?

-Slick

Shaving . . .

sucks. Yup, it's mmmmopinion's second blog on shaving since May. But mine doesn't have fancy charts, it only has my usual poorly written paragraphs. But I'm not just going to tell you that shaving sucks, I'm going to tell you why shaving sucks, or probably more specifically, why I suck at shaving. Chances are if you've seen me in the last year, I had some sort of hobo stubble on my face. And by chances, I mean there was a 100% chance. That's right. Ol' Slick went an entire year without shaving. "But Slick," you protest, "Why didn't you have some sort of crazy ZZ Top beard?" Well, that's because every so often I would use my trusty WAHL beard trimmer. (WAHL, only the finest in home grooming!) But I caved. I gave into the peer pressure. I finally shaved. And let me tell you . . . shaving sucks.

Before I begin to tell you why shaving sucks, and I'm sure you're on pins and needles, let me tell you why I stopped shaving. The easy answer would be because I'm lazy. And that's also the correct answer. But it's also because since I've graduated from college, on 3 separate occasions someone has asked me if I have plans for school. And after I tell them I've already graduated, they all have the same reaction, "Oh well, it's just because you look so young. That's a good thing." Really? Fuck you, bitch. You made a mistake, just live with it.

So that's the background, now the actual shaving part. And here's where my stupidity really shines. Seriously, I may be the dumbest smart kid you know OR the smartest dumb kid. Now, one would think that when using sharpened metal blades on one's face, they would be sure to take the necessary time to do it right and do it safely. Nope. Not me. If I could shave my face in 3.5 seconds I would certainly give it a try. I'm like Peter Griffin with his desk fan razor. I don't know why I try to rush it. I just do. "What, it's been like 2 minutes already? WHY DOES THIS TAKE SO LONG? GAAAAAAH!!!!" And as you would imagine, I usually end up cutting myself. But don't worry, the ladies like a little blood on the neck so it works out alright. And as you also might have imagined, trying to set a world speed record lends itself to a sloppy performance. I can't tell you the number of times I've shaved right before leaving my house, only to realize that I've missed a pretty sizeable spot somewhere on my jaw line. And then I have to spend the entire time until I get back to my house worrying whether or everyone can see how much of a moron I am.

So not only do I suck at shaving because I have the attention span of a pug, but shaving sucks because it always makes my beard grow in itchier. That's just really aggravating because itchy beard means I have to shave again. And then the retarded cycle repeats itself.

2 posts in one week? It's a 2011 Slick record.

-Slick

A Few TV Shows You Should Be Watching

Seriously, it's summer and all the "real" stuff isn't on the air anymore. Why not support some silly summer shows so that they won't get FlashForwarded on me? The pain of that show being canceled with so many unanswered questions still stings from time to time. Probably like chlamydia.

• Burn Notice - There are already a whole bunch of people watching this, but a bunch more can't hurt. This show's got humor, explosions, people shooting other people and an intriguing story that has kept my attention for the last 4+ seasons. It also has the main character pretending to be all sorts of people, usually with funny voices. Plus, if you don't already watch it, you can start from the beginning and not have the cliffhanger endings from a couple of the seasons. Those are rough.
  One thing about this show that I don't get is how the Miami police are letting all these crimes and gunfights and explosions go off all over the city without getting a little concerned that something is wrong. They almost never show up, except when the plan involves the police showing up.
  The good news about this show is that it's already signed for at least one more season after this one. The bad news is that means there's almost certainly going to be another cliffhanger ending for season 5.


• Warehouse 13 - This show is kind of dumb. It's entertaining, but it's dumb. The basic premise is that pretty much anyone of any kind of importance in history was in possession of some sort of artifact that could affect the people around them or give them crazy powers or do something magical, generally something that will be a problem for others. The people who work at the warehouse are in charge of obtaining these artifacts and cataloging them, all the while maintaing secrecy and trying not to get killed. Yeah, it's pretty much as cheesy as it sounds. But it's funny and it's better than most of the crap that's on during the summer, which tends to be reality crapfests.


• The Secret Life of the American Teenager - Sorry, this one is supposed to be on a different list, A Bunch of TV Shows You Should Stop Watching Immediately Because They Are Terrible and They're Making You Even Dumber Than You Already Are. Sorry about that.


• Alphas - This show just started this summer and comes on after Warehouse 13, so they lured me in. "Alphas" are people who have extraordinary abilities like enhanced senses or hyperkinesis or superhuman strength from the flight-or-fight response. Much like Warehouse 13, there is a group of Alphas who try to find other Alphas and stop them from doing a lot of bad things. Also there is apparently some evil group of Alphas called "Red Flag," and they want to do bad things. This show, like Burn Notice, has lots of gunfights and explosions, so it's quality summer TV.

Well then. You've got DVR, so throw these in the queue. You can replace Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, as those shows just aren't doing anything positive.

-Jon

This Week In Lyrical Genius: Joan Osborne

Now you're probably thinking, why the hell did I come to mmmmopinions? Nobody even writes anything anymore. Now you're thinking, wait "lyrical genius" does that mean Slick is back? Now you're thinking, who the hell is Joan Osborne? And the answers to those questions are I'm sorry, yes, and that chick who the wrote the song about God being one of us. I had to go to North Adams today on business, and I heard this song on my way there. But oh my god, that trip takes so long. It takes about 45-50 minutes to get to Greenfield (aka the land of pugs) from my house, AND YOU'RE ONLY HALF WAY THERE!!!! I spent three hours in the car today and was annoyed. We are very fortunate that I wasn't in charge of colonizing America. "Six months in a boat? Are you kidding me? Fuck that, I'd rather just be one of the oppressed masses." That's assuming that I could have survived renaissance times and the colonial era without killing myself from having to eat nothing but slops and pig rectum. Delicious, delicious pig rectums. But anyway, I heard "One of Us" and decided that I should write a post about how crappy the lyrics are. So away we go:

If God had a name, what would it be?

Now as you know, I don't claim to be any sort of religious expert, but I'm fairly certain that God did have a name. I think it was Yahweh. If I remember Indiana Jones correctly, I'm pretty sure that was his name, except in Latin it's spelled with an "I." Nevertheless, a quick google search tells me that God told Moses his name was "I AM WHO I AM" which sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. It also sounds like something Descartes would say and that guy was such a douche.

And would you call it to his face?

Yeah, that's what names are for.

If you were faced with him and all his glory,
What would you ask if you had just one question?

Could you remake the last season of Lost so that it doesn't suck?

And yeah, yeah, God is great.

Noted.

Yeah, yeah, God is good.

But you just said . . . ? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Maybe?

What if God was one of us?

I'm pretty sure he was, and follow me on this argument. There's only one God, but he's got multiple identity disorder and thinks of himself as a trinity so he calls himself God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost, which sounds way more badass and terrifying). But Jesus, was somehow all human and all divine. I got into an argument with one of my professors on how that doesn't make any sense. She did not like that I was questioning her beliefs. I did not do well in that class. But anyway, if Jesus was divine and human, and Jesus is God or is part of God or is God's son but is also God, that makes God a human. Therefore, he is one of us. Suck on that bitch.

Just a slob like one of us?

I don't know. That's just so stupid I can't even think of anything funny to say.

Just a stranger on the bus
trying to make his way home

Do you realize how sad God's life is? Not only will nobody call him his name to his face, he's also a slob who's forced to take public transportation. No wonder Jesus just let himself get killed: crucifixion sounds a whole lot better than having to ride the bus with a bunch of slobby asshats.

If God had a face, what would it look like?
And would you want to see?

Fuck, one question at a time please. I imagine he would look something like Jesus but with less facial hair and sick abs. And yes, absolutely. Why? What do you know? Does he have some kind of deformity? Is that why he's so shy? Now I'm not so sure.

If seeing meant that you would have to believe . . .

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would make that trade. "I get to look upon the face of God, but only if I believe in him afterwards? That's a pretty tough bargain. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, LADY!"

in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and alllllllllllllll the prophets

Oh, well then fuck that. I can accept Jesus and heaven and all the normal stuff. But the saints and prophets are a bunch of cumguzzlers. Besides, the Catholic Church, for some reason, gets to decide who gets to be a saint. Why did they desanctify Saint Christopher? Now who's going to watch our asses on roads and highways? WE'RE ALL SCREWED.

Then she repeats the nonsense about the bus and stuff before getting into the dumbest part of the song.

Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone

Again, I'm no expert on religious matters, but isn't the idea that if you're a good person you get to go to heaven and chill out with God? Isn't that the whole reason for having a church? "Well yeah, you lived a good Christian life and saved all the blind, deaf schoolchildren from that fire, but here's the thing: God really likes his space and heaven's really more of a one bedroom apartment so . . . ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HELL YOU RAT BASTARD!!!! HAHAHAHA"

Nobody calling on the phone

This song came out in 1995, so there weren't any cellphones around. Can you imagine how expensive it would have been to run a landline to heaven? Plus, long distance calls were ridiculously expensive back then. I don't blame anyone for not calling. I mean, you're just going to see him on the bus again tomorrow, is there anything that's so important you can't wait one day?

'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Now here's my favorite/dumbest line in the entire song. If the Pope really needs to use a telephone to communicate with God, that's just so dumb it would make your head explode if you really thought about it. The Pope is supposed to be God's earthly representative or some bullshit like that, so I seriously doubt that if God really exists, that he would need a telephone. Although that might explain the whole church-child rape thing.

"What's that God? I can't quite hear you, there's a lot of static on my end? What did you say? Did you say rape little boys? That seems like a weird thing to say, but alright I guess if that's what you want." God told Abraham to kill his only son. The guy's a little fucked up. Maybe he really did say to rape the children. Dammit. Why did I have to use my one question on fixing Lost?

Well, I'm going to hell.

-Slick