I Need a New Career

Seriously.

What the hell am I doing with my life?

Think about your job. Think about your friends' jobs. Think about the jobs of people that aren't really your friends, but you still would say "hi" to them if you saw each other at Big Y. Or at least give them the 'sup head nod. Think about every job that you have ever had.

How many of these jobs required you to know how to divide polynomials? What about factoring quadratic trinomials? Graph rational functions? Simplify exponential expressions? Do you even know what any of these things are, or do you think that I'm making words up?

The answer is probably none, or maybe one if you happen to find an engineer that specifies in a very odd form of engineering. Other than that, there are almost no jobs that require a mathematical background beyond the ability to do basic maths and possibly work with percentages. And most people probably possess a cell phone that can handle those tasks. Yet high schools and colleges require everyone to take more advanced math classes, and I can't figure out why.

None of my students this semester are going into any fields that require a background in mathematics. So basically I'm wasting their time 4 days a week (or however many they show up for, since I don't have an attendance policy). Which means I am wasting my time as well. Teaching math to people who aren't going to use math is about as productive as counting grains of sand or digging holes to fill in later. Yeah, I kill some time, but what have I accomplished?

Nothing.

What a waste.

-Jon

Stupid Cats 2...

Welcome back for another round of why cats suck.

As you can see, the cats feel a frequent need to kill things and bring them to the side porch, apparently with the thought process that we'll be excited to find a squirrel in the middle stages of rigor mortis or a mouse body several inches away from a mouse head. You can probably guess that we are not, in fact, fans of these gifts.

However, we would not be averse to finding that these jackass cats actually did something useful, like killing the mouse that is currently living somewhere in the kitchen!! Seriously? You morons can hunt down mice around the neighborhood, but you can't find a single one that is restricted to a single room? Absolutely useless...

-Jon

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume VII: Pitbull

Well, it was only a matter of time before we ended up here. "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull, the man with the name of a dog known for its tendency toward violence, and the face of a chihuahua. That is a Slick original joke right there. Don't let loyal mmmmopinion reader Chris let you think it was his. Totally wasn't. According to his wikipedia page, Pitbull says that he chose the name because pitbulls "bite to lock and are too stupid to give up." Well I agree with that, Pitbull is pretty stupid. The man, not the dog. But since I mentioned the animal let me take a brief minute to say that I don't think there's any reason pitbulls can't be good pets . . . but you know what, that will be an mmmmopinion later this week. Boom, teaser.

Anyway, like always I watched the music video about 7-8 times so that I can really hear the song and begin crafting my insults, and I noticed that Pitbull kept doing this weird thing with his mouth. So I went to over google and began typing "Why does Pitbull keep making weird faces?" but as I was doing it, google gave me that popdown list that included the question "Why does Pitbull always say dale (pronounced dah-lay)?" Dale is Spanish for "come on" or some shit like that. But someone answered that question with the following:

He's not saying dale, he's saying dade. He's from Miami which is in Dade County. That's why he always says it.

The point is, as always, people are stupid.

Anyway, let's get to the actual lyrics. But before we get there, it's important to note that the chorus of this song is essentially this: Grab somebody sexy, tell them hey, the world might end tomorrow. It probably won't, BUT IT COULD. So we should have sex tonight. Logic, FLAWLESS. Just keep that in mind.

Me not working hard?
Yeah right picture that with a kodak.

Alright, well we're not off to a great start since that in no way reflects how a Kodak works.

And better yet, go to Times Square
Take a picture of me with a kodak

The way he rhymed kodak with kodak, genius. Oh, and this might come as a surprise, but Pitbull is endorsed by Kodak. Shocking.

Took my life from negative to positive
And I just want y'all know that

Get it? Kodak . . . negative. Haha that's clever. Also, he used to be a drug dealer and now he's famous for being a shitty rapper. So that's something, I guess.

And tonight, let's enjoy life

Because we might not get tomorrow, yeah yeah, Ne-Yo told me that.

Take advantage of tonight
Cause tomorrow I'm off to do battle and perform for princes

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a goddamn second. Tomorrow you're off to . . . do battle? That not making any sense aside, if you're planning on doing stuff tomorrow, then why the fuck did I have sex with Ne-Yo? He told me we might not get tomorrow, WAS THAT ALL A LIE? That son of a BITCH.

But tonight, I can make you my queen
And make love to you endless

-ly. Endlessly. It's an adverb. #douchebagnitpicking

It's insane, the way the name growin’, money keep flowin’
Hustlers move in silence, so I’m tiptoein, keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Now, being a white kid from Ludlow I know very little about hustlin'. But Jay-Z claims to be a hustler and LOVES talking about how much he hustles and how fast he hustles. He's like the white kid on a basketball team, just a great hustler. I honestly don't know what any of the rest of it means but I do love a superfluous Lindsay Lohan reference.

Excuse me (excuse me) but I might drink a little more than I should, tonight

I might drink more than I should. Call it 63% likely.

And I might take you home with me if I could, tonight,

"Excuse me miss, can I take you home and dry hump your leg to climax, possibly?" Christ, he might drink too much. He might take you home. Something tells me that Pitbull struggles with being decisive. Maybe?

And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight
Because we might not get tomorrow

Oh, you fuckers need to make a decision about whether or not we're going to have a tomorrow.

Reach for the stars
And if you don’t grab em, at least you’re on top of the world

I'm not sure if you've heard but there's a party on the rooftop, top of the world. And, if there's time, we're going to dance on the edge of the Hollywood sign.

Think about it
Cause if you slip I’m gonna fall on top of you girl, hahaha

You probably fell because you drank too much. And seriously, he actually laughs in the song

What I'm involved in, it goes deeper than the Masons
Baby, baby and it ain’t no secret

After The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, Dan Brown just got really, really lazy. Don't expect Pitbull and the Masons to be a bestseller. Tom Hanks said he doesn't want to be in the movie, but Nicolas Cage said he would do it for $25 and half a sandwich.

My family’s from Cuba but I’m an American Idol
Makin' money like Seacrest

According to celebritynetworth.com, Ryan Seacrest is worth $125 million. Pitbull is worth $9 million. Although I do agree that you and Seacrest both make far too much money.

-Slick

Stupid Cats...

Welcome to part 1 of what may turn out to be an infinite series on why I hate cats.

It doesn't matter whether he's inside or outside, he wants to be the other. This holds true even when I'm making multiple trips to put stuff in my car. This jackass will continually run in and out, unable to be content with whatever choice he's made.

Goddam cats...

-Jon