Well, it was only a matter of time before we ended up here. "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull, the man with the name of a dog known for its tendency toward violence, and the face of a chihuahua. That is a Slick original joke right there. Don't let loyal mmmmopinion reader Chris let you think it was his. Totally wasn't. According to his wikipedia page, Pitbull says that he chose the name because pitbulls "bite to lock and are too stupid to give up." Well I agree with that, Pitbull is pretty stupid. The man, not the dog. But since I mentioned the animal let me take a brief minute to say that I don't think there's any reason pitbulls can't be good pets . . . but you know what, that will be an mmmmopinion later this week. Boom, teaser.
Anyway, like always I watched the music video about 7-8 times so that I can really hear the song and begin crafting my insults, and I noticed that Pitbull kept doing this weird thing with his mouth. So I went to over google and began typing "Why does Pitbull keep making weird faces?" but as I was doing it, google gave me that popdown list that included the question "Why does Pitbull always say dale (pronounced dah-lay)?" Dale is Spanish for "come on" or some shit like that. But someone answered that question with the following:
He's not saying dale, he's saying dade. He's from Miami which is in Dade County. That's why he always says it.
The point is, as always, people are stupid.
Anyway, let's get to the actual lyrics. But before we get there, it's important to note that the chorus of this song is essentially this: Grab somebody sexy, tell them hey, the world might end tomorrow. It probably won't, BUT IT COULD. So we should have sex tonight. Logic, FLAWLESS. Just keep that in mind.
Me not working hard?
Yeah right picture that with a kodak.
Alright, well we're not off to a great start since that in no way reflects how a Kodak works.
And better yet, go to Times Square
Take a picture of me with a kodak
The way he rhymed kodak with kodak, genius. Oh, and this might come as a surprise, but Pitbull is endorsed by Kodak. Shocking.
Took my life from negative to positive
And I just want y'all know that
Get it? Kodak . . . negative. Haha that's clever. Also, he used to be a drug dealer and now he's famous for being a shitty rapper. So that's something, I guess.
And tonight, let's enjoy life
Because we might not get tomorrow, yeah yeah, Ne-Yo told me that.
Take advantage of tonight
Cause tomorrow I'm off to do battle and perform for princes
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a goddamn second. Tomorrow you're off to . . . do battle? That not making any sense aside, if you're planning on doing stuff tomorrow, then why the fuck did I have sex with Ne-Yo? He told me we might not get tomorrow, WAS THAT ALL A LIE? That son of a BITCH.
But tonight, I can make you my queen
And make love to you endless
-ly. Endlessly. It's an adverb. #douchebagnitpicking
It's insane, the way the name growin’, money keep flowin’
Hustlers move in silence, so I’m tiptoein, keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan
Now, being a white kid from Ludlow I know very little about hustlin'. But Jay-Z claims to be a hustler and LOVES talking about how much he hustles and how fast he hustles. He's like the white kid on a basketball team, just a great hustler. I honestly don't know what any of the rest of it means but I do love a superfluous Lindsay Lohan reference.
Excuse me (excuse me) but I might drink a little more than I should, tonight
I might drink more than I should. Call it 63% likely.
And I might take you home with me if I could, tonight,
"Excuse me miss, can I take you home and dry hump your leg to climax, possibly?" Christ, he might drink too much. He might take you home. Something tells me that Pitbull struggles with being decisive. Maybe?
And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight
Because we might not get tomorrow
Oh, you fuckers need to make a decision about whether or not we're going to have a tomorrow.
Reach for the stars
And if you don’t grab em, at least you’re on top of the world
I'm not sure if you've heard but there's a party on the rooftop, top of the world. And, if there's time, we're going to dance on the edge of the Hollywood sign.
Think about it
Cause if you slip I’m gonna fall on top of you girl, hahaha
You probably fell because you drank too much. And seriously, he actually laughs in the song
What I'm involved in, it goes deeper than the Masons
Baby, baby and it ain’t no secret
After The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, Dan Brown just got really, really lazy. Don't expect Pitbull and the Masons to be a bestseller. Tom Hanks said he doesn't want to be in the movie, but Nicolas Cage said he would do it for $25 and half a sandwich.
My family’s from Cuba but I’m an American Idol
Makin' money like Seacrest
According to celebritynetworth.com, Ryan Seacrest is worth $125 million. Pitbull is worth $9 million. Although I do agree that you and Seacrest both make far too much money.
-Slick
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