The premise is kind of cool, but the execution leaves much to be desired. To save you the time of having to watch it at all, here is a synopsis of every single episode.
Two people talk about the house they live in while a camera with some kind of dulling filter shows different issues with the house. I assume the filtering is to make the house look super amazing afterwards regardless of the improvements. Then either the husband or wife adamantly states that they need to move, while the other adamantly insists that their current house can be salvaged.
Next New House Guy and House Fix Girl meet with the couple and talk about what they're looking for in a new home and what they'd like fixed about the current house. This inevitably results in some absurdly ridiculous goals. For the moving ones, they're always something like "it needs to have an open floor plan, a finished basement and be on the same street we already live on while also having a staircase made out of mussels and encrusted with diamonds." Some of that may have been exaggerated, but only slightly. Then the requirements for staying boil down to, "we want $80,000 to $120,000 of improvements, and our budget is $20,000 to $50,000, so make that happen." It reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons when Agnes Skinner tells the bag boy that she wants all her groceries in one bag but doesn't want the bag to be too heavy.
After the meeting with the couple, New House Guy and House Fix Girl go to the actual house and make snarky comments about the house and about each other. Maybe this part is entertaining to Canadians with their Canadian humo(u)r, but it makes me cringe. The writers need to work on this part, as most HGTV shows are secretly scripted ahead of time.
And now on to the actual loving and listing. This is where the show falls apart.
We'll start with New House Guy's part of the show. After going through the couple's practically impossible list, he tries to find some houses that fit the bill. Sadly for him, he is going to have to constantly deal with people, who are just terrible. "We'd really prefer a bathroom with a double vanity," says the couple who currently has a bathroom the size of a refrigerator. Or "we're looking for stainless steel appliances" when they are working with a kitchen that appears to have been time-travelled from 1952. Stupid people are never satisfied with anything.
And as annoying as those parts are, House Fix Girl is even worse. Every (and I mean every) episode has the exact same thing. She says she's going to do x things to the house, there is always an issue with at least one of them, which they only find out after she's gutted something, the couple gets upset, either the husband or wife appears on camera alone saying something along the lines of "I'm really losing faith in [whatever her name is] at this point," she can't fix that particular thing, she asks if there's any more money in the budget, the husband or wife claims that if that thing can't be fixed then there's no point in doing anything and there's no more budget, and then more getting upset. Every single time. I feel semi-bad for House Fix Girl since there's not really any way to update a bathroom, upgrade and modernize a kitchen and add a second floor bathroom to a house with a $25,000 budget, but she's kind of a bitch sometimes, so screw her.
Eventually, the couple agrees that one of the new houses doesn't completely suck and are completely amazed by the transformation of their old house (even without whichever one of the must-have improvements didn't get improved). Then New House Guy gives us a nice little infographic that lists the original assessment of the house's value, the amount of the budget for improvements, and the new assessment of the house's value (which always seems to be $100,000 higher). He and House Fix Girl go stand like 10 feet away from the couple who discuss whether they're going to stay or go. Once the final decision is made, the "winner" out of New House Guy and House Fix Girl has to buy the other a drink, and he/she makes another snarky comment. And you've just lost an hour of your life.
Now, I like to be helpful, so here are my suggestions for making this show less bad:
- Fix the awkward dialogue. It's super awkward.
- Pick less ridiculous couples with normal human expectations and reactions. People living in a 2-bedroom house shouldn't be complaining that the fourth bedroom in the new house can't fit a king-sized bed.
- The whole budget vs. expectation thing is ridiculous. If I have $3 in my wallet, I shouldn't ask for a filet mignon and then get upset when I actually have to eat a Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe. You get what you pay for. Even in Canada.
- Not every episode needs a home improvement disaster and an awkward argument (which goes back to my first point) between the couple and House Fix Girl.
Get on it, HGTV.
-Jon
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