First up is every commercial in the "I think I'm a rich person now even though I'm a stupid asshole" line of commercials from some wireless cell phone company. So what they're saying is that saving a couple hundred dollars a year makes you think all of a sudden that you drive a sweet Bentley? How stupid are these people? The icing on the cake is the commercial where the lady thinks she's going to buy the Crown Jewels with all her extra dough. I have personally seen said jewels, and they are not just sitting out in a glass case in a museum. They are inside a crazy vault inside the Tower of London. More importantly, they are not guarded by Americans, although they apparently are in this commercial. I guess that the main idea of these commercials is that buying their phone makes you dumber. Fuck you, whatever phone company you are.
Chloe would be upset with me if I did not include the Kia Soul commercial where a bunch of robots are at war with each other until some hamsters show up and dance to "Party Rock" (may not actually be the name of the song, but who cares) and then all the robots dance. Ignoring the fact that this is a car commercial that gives me literally zero information about the car it's advertising, Chloe's issue is that dancing robots and dancing hamsters need to get the hell off the TV screen, and she will bark at them until they do.
Next up we have the Robitussin Relief Finder commercial. Why is the "star" of this commercial an orangutan? Do many apes use Robitussin? Why is it wearing a scarf and slippers but no other clothes? It doesn't make any fucking sense!!!
Finally, we'll close with the commercials for another phone, which I think is the HTC from someone who makes phones. These commercials are the ones where people keep walking up and talking to either a pair of guys or a pair of girls who are always like, "that's so 20 seconds ago" or some other hipster-like bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry that I was trying to be helpful but didn't realize that at some point you two were elected co-presidents of Douchebagistan. Please forgive my insolence. I understand that the purpose of these commercials is to exaggerate how awesome this phone is, but have you ever actually tried to upload a video to Facebook? It's not a 3 second procedure like the commercial makes it seem. It's actually a huge pain in the ass, and half the time it fails because Facebook's uploading program is complete shit. They should put that into a commercial, with people getting pissed because after they've tried to upload a video or a whole bunch of photos, they get an error message instead and fling their phone across the room. But, since the phone is so beastly, it still works after smashing into a wall. That would get me to buy a phone.
Also, that guy comes over letting them know someone at the company is leaving, and they've already had the party for him. Seriously, a 25 second party? What a bunch of assholes.
Stay tuned for my upcoming post, "Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen." It should be epic.
Happy New Year. May yours be filled with hilarious blog posts. Or informative ones. Or delicious ones.
-Jon
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