That seems like an awful lot of work, and doesn't really fit in with what we do here. Seriously, read the mission statement up at the top left.
Instead, what I'm going to do is judge shows completely based on their commercials. A ridiculously high number of commercials that I see while watching TV shows are commercials for other TV shows. I really need to start taking better advantage of the DVR...
Mob Wives - You know how growing up is filled with drama? Basically starting in middle school, people are constantly worried about who's dating whom, what's being said about other people, who did what when and where, and all that crap. This probably continues for a lot of people through high school and maybe into college. However, most of us grow up at some point, and usually by the mid-20s this bullshit has lost its appeal to pretty much anyone that's worth hanging out with.
This show appears to be about what happens if you never stop being a drama queen, and are also Italian.
The fact that there are shows like this on television makes me sad to be a human being. On another note, have you ever noticed that the people who are like "I'm so tired of drama" are always the ones who are waist-deep in it? They're probably the fanbase for this show. And based on that, I'm going to have to assume that this show sucks donkey dongs.
I Get That a Lot - From the commercials, this appears to be a show where celebrities pretend they aren't celebrities, and then when people recognize them (which I have to assume is immediately for some of these people), they say "I get that a lot." Seriously, who wouldn't recognize AC Slater if he was pretending to be a pizza delivery guy? So I guess the point of the show is that they just lie to regular people. Once you're caught trying to fool someone, it stops being a practical joke and just becomes sad. I guess it's not enough that they have millions of dollars, they also have to make us look like jerks. What a bunch of assholes. This show probably sucks monkey scrotum.
Alcatraz - This show looks kind of cool. A bunch of people disappear from Alcatraz prison in some kind of supernatural event, and then reappear years later and start fucking shit up? Yeah, I'll buy into that. Obviously there are major issues in that these hardened criminals show up way later and seem to have no problems slipping back into a life of crime despite the incredible changes that have occurred in the past few years. I think that someone who magically transported to today from even 15 years ago would have a hard time adjusting, so it's a little sketchy that someone from 30-40 years ago would just be like "yeah, that's cool," but that's for the writers to figure out.
On the other hand, JJ Abrams has a hand in this, and he was a real asshole at the end of Lost after promising answers and then just saying everyone was dead the whole time. For this show, it will probably all end up being a dream of some coma victim, and Abrams will be laughing all the way to the bank, shouting "Haha, I got you all again you stupid bastards!!" out the sunroof of his limo, which is filled with champagne and topless supermodels. I'll give this show a chance, and a potential rating of "this seems like a cool idea, but in the end it will probably piss everyone off and they'll be like, 'what a load of horseshit!'"
Two Broke Girls - Since I watch How I Met Your Mother regularly and this show is on after it (which I believe is called a "lead" and is based on the idea that if someone watches HIMYM, they may lose the remote during that half hour and just sit there and watch the next show regardless of quality), I get to see a lot of commercials for it. A LOT!! From every commercial, it appears to be about two girls that work in a diner and, presumably, do not have much money. I guess the appeal is supposed to be that one of them (the daughter from The 40-Year Old Virgin) has large boobs and the other seems like Paris Hilton. And every single joke in the commercials is painfully set up. I realize that most people are morons (a topic that I believe has been covered on this site in detail), but you can write funny television without basically flashing a neon sign that says "Look, here comes a joke!"
This show seems like it could be tolerable in small doses, but in the long run it will probably just be annoying.
This year is off to a torrid pace of posts. I sincerely doubt that it will be maintained.
-Jon
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