Facebook Makes Me Sad, Still

Seriously, why do I use this stupid thing? Oh right, to make obnoxious comments on other people's statuses, and to occasionally try to get other people to laugh from my witty observations about the minutiae of everyday life.

Last time things got way out of control, but there's just so much to hate about other people that I couldn't reel it in. In order to try to keep this edition to a more moderate length, I'll be using the sweet bulletpoint feature. Spellcheck tells me that "bulletpoint" is actually two words, but Spellcheck and I aren't on speaking terms right now because Spellcheck is a lazy sack of monkey turds. This will be addressed shortly.

• Apostrophes are not just a fancy keyboard feature. Give them a try! But be judicious in their use. For example, "Looking at new car's!!!" is not an appropriate apostrophe use, mostly because apostrophes aren't for pluralization. They're for contractions and possession. And to make it hard to decide between "its" and "it's."
• Your and you're are different words with different meanings that are not interchangeable. Same goes for the there, their and they're triplets. Oh, and to and too. I am leaving out two because if you screw up the word form of the number 2 with actual words, you might actually be the dumbest person on the planet. I get physically ill reading anything where these are mixed up. So knock it off.
• Last time, I addressed hiding people from the News Feed. After that, I had a change of heart because that seemed mean. Now, if someone pollutes my Feed with a bunch of misspelled nonsense, I just defriend them. It feels more humane.
• What's up with this new photo foolishness? It's weird, and I don't like change.
• Stop putting the lyrics from Taylor Swift followed by "tswift <3" as your status. Also, stop putting the chorus to "Fuckin' Perfect" by Pink. Nobody's perfect. And even when people say someone's perfect to them, there's really always something they'd change. Partly because it's impossible to be perfect, and partly because people are never satisfied with what they have. Like me with Facebook.
• Spellcheck your stupid posts, and reread them before posting. I understand that the letters on the keyboard are all near each other, but it makes it seem like you shouldn't leave the house without a helmet when you write things like "out wiyh my best friens!!"

Spellcheck should be required everywhere that text is entered. Granted, it won't fix typos that generate new, incorrect words, but at least it's a start. I think if you try to post something with misspellings, a notice should pop up that says "You're about to look stupid in front of a bunch of people. Continue?" And then if you click yes, a boxing glove on a spring hits you in the face.

On the plus side, a fun thing to do is to go back a couple years on a friend's wall to comment on things with a similar date. For example, find a highly commented news post from March 2009 and make a comment. I guarantee hilarity, confusion or both will follow. For added fun, start clicking "Like" on everything to really mess with them.

Damn it, Facebook, one of these days you're going to lose me. Then you'll only have 642,499,999* users left. Keep it up, jerks.

-Jon

* This figure is from the end of February. It's probably well out of date by now.

Tom Brady's Hair Smells Like Shame

That title doesn't make any sense unless you're one of those people whose senses overlap. Synesthesia? I think that's what it's called. Anyway, I am of course referring to those photos of Tom Brady looking ridiculously gay. No, not the ones with male genitalia in or around his mouth. The ones where he's on vacation and decided that he wants to look like a 13 year old girl. This one.

Bahahaha take a look at your beloved golden boy quarterback now you faacckin homos. Now, while most people look at the photo and say, "Faggot" and be done with it, here at Mmmm, opinions we're all about taking a deeper look at things. Investigative journalism is where we hang our hat. Take a better look at the photo and you'll realize two things:

1.) Tom Brady's face is roughly 65% forehead.

2.) Tom Brady and I have the same hairline. That's not a good thing. For either of us.

I know. SHOCKING! The beloved heartthrob Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. didn't grow his hair out because Gisele wanted him to, he did it because he doesn't want you to know his hair is receding from his vastly overrated face. I always knew that "Oh Gisele wants him to grow it long" was a crock of shit. Even if she is worth $50 million more than him. It's true. I went to celebritynetworth.com and looked it up. FACT. Tom Brady is losing his hair and how else could he nail down those lucrative sponsorships like Uggs if he didn't have his deceptive flowing locks?

You know what else pisses me off about Tom Brady? No one mentions that he's a scumbag. Through extensive use of wikipedia and the always factual reporting of People magazine, I was able to come up with this timeline.

December 2006: Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan end their relationship.
January 2007: It's reported that Tom and Gisele began dating before Christmas of 2006. Hmmm, very interesting.
August 2007: Bridget gives birth to Tom Brady's first kid. That's weird. If you do some quick math, you'll see that Tom Brady knocked up Bridget Moynahan just weeks before she broke up with him and before the calendar turns over he's dating a Brazilian supermodel. Wow, what a classy fellow. Everyone is so quick to judge Antonio "Baby Mama Drama" Cromartie but we just sweep Tom Brady's indiscretions under the rug. The rug he'll soon have to wear because he's lost all of his hair. And that's how you bring it full circle.

I'm rambling so I'll bring this very poorly written post to a close with this: I realize most of our audience are Patriot fans so they probably won't care for this post. But Chris will like it. And that's good enough for me.

-Slick

Reply vs Reply All

Here at Mmmm, opinions, we try to be as helpful as possible without actually doing work. Today I'm here to improve your email abilities!

Have you ever gotten an email that actually requires a response? I know it's hard to believe, but occasionally one will slip in between the requests from Nigerian princes and the offers for free Viagra. You might have noticed that you have two options: "Reply" and "Reply All." Guess what! They aren't the same thing.

In case you are a moron, let's quickly go over the difference between the two. Clicking "Reply" will send a response only to the original sender of the email. In general, this is what you want to do, as there is a 96% chance that nobody else in the world gives a flying crap about what you have to say. Clicking "Reply All," on the other hand, will send a response email to the original sender and everyone else who got the original email. This is probably most likely to be used in a business context, or when trying to organize a group activity through email. And let's face it, that second one almost never succeeds.

Still confused? Well, your borderline mental handicap aside, maybe a story will help.

This story is completely hypothetical, of course. The imaginary email will be in italics.

Hey all,

Looking for 2 people to help run a cross-country meet on Smarch 3rd. Let me know if you're available.

Sincerely,

Joe Coachguy

Now, which response do you think is appropriate? If you chose "Reply," congratulations! You aren't a moron. If you chose "Reply All," you're probably one of the fools that officiates a sport with me and annoys me on an annual basis. Guess what! Myself, and probably everyone else who officiates, doesn't care that you are available on that date. And we don't need your stupid emails clogging up our inboxes. I, for one, have important stuff to do. Like helping Nigerian princes get their money out of their war-torn homelands.

Man, I am waiting on like 12 of those guys. What is taking them so long?

-Jon