Facebook Makes Me Sad, Still

Seriously, why do I use this stupid thing? Oh right, to make obnoxious comments on other people's statuses, and to occasionally try to get other people to laugh from my witty observations about the minutiae of everyday life.

Last time things got way out of control, but there's just so much to hate about other people that I couldn't reel it in. In order to try to keep this edition to a more moderate length, I'll be using the sweet bulletpoint feature. Spellcheck tells me that "bulletpoint" is actually two words, but Spellcheck and I aren't on speaking terms right now because Spellcheck is a lazy sack of monkey turds. This will be addressed shortly.

• Apostrophes are not just a fancy keyboard feature. Give them a try! But be judicious in their use. For example, "Looking at new car's!!!" is not an appropriate apostrophe use, mostly because apostrophes aren't for pluralization. They're for contractions and possession. And to make it hard to decide between "its" and "it's."
• Your and you're are different words with different meanings that are not interchangeable. Same goes for the there, their and they're triplets. Oh, and to and too. I am leaving out two because if you screw up the word form of the number 2 with actual words, you might actually be the dumbest person on the planet. I get physically ill reading anything where these are mixed up. So knock it off.
• Last time, I addressed hiding people from the News Feed. After that, I had a change of heart because that seemed mean. Now, if someone pollutes my Feed with a bunch of misspelled nonsense, I just defriend them. It feels more humane.
• What's up with this new photo foolishness? It's weird, and I don't like change.
• Stop putting the lyrics from Taylor Swift followed by "tswift <3" as your status. Also, stop putting the chorus to "Fuckin' Perfect" by Pink. Nobody's perfect. And even when people say someone's perfect to them, there's really always something they'd change. Partly because it's impossible to be perfect, and partly because people are never satisfied with what they have. Like me with Facebook.
• Spellcheck your stupid posts, and reread them before posting. I understand that the letters on the keyboard are all near each other, but it makes it seem like you shouldn't leave the house without a helmet when you write things like "out wiyh my best friens!!"

Spellcheck should be required everywhere that text is entered. Granted, it won't fix typos that generate new, incorrect words, but at least it's a start. I think if you try to post something with misspellings, a notice should pop up that says "You're about to look stupid in front of a bunch of people. Continue?" And then if you click yes, a boxing glove on a spring hits you in the face.

On the plus side, a fun thing to do is to go back a couple years on a friend's wall to comment on things with a similar date. For example, find a highly commented news post from March 2009 and make a comment. I guarantee hilarity, confusion or both will follow. For added fun, start clicking "Like" on everything to really mess with them.

Damn it, Facebook, one of these days you're going to lose me. Then you'll only have 642,499,999* users left. Keep it up, jerks.

-Jon

* This figure is from the end of February. It's probably well out of date by now.