Tom Brady's Hair Smells Like Shame

That title doesn't make any sense unless you're one of those people whose senses overlap. Synesthesia? I think that's what it's called. Anyway, I am of course referring to those photos of Tom Brady looking ridiculously gay. No, not the ones with male genitalia in or around his mouth. The ones where he's on vacation and decided that he wants to look like a 13 year old girl. This one.

Bahahaha take a look at your beloved golden boy quarterback now you faacckin homos. Now, while most people look at the photo and say, "Faggot" and be done with it, here at Mmmm, opinions we're all about taking a deeper look at things. Investigative journalism is where we hang our hat. Take a better look at the photo and you'll realize two things:

1.) Tom Brady's face is roughly 65% forehead.

2.) Tom Brady and I have the same hairline. That's not a good thing. For either of us.

I know. SHOCKING! The beloved heartthrob Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. didn't grow his hair out because Gisele wanted him to, he did it because he doesn't want you to know his hair is receding from his vastly overrated face. I always knew that "Oh Gisele wants him to grow it long" was a crock of shit. Even if she is worth $50 million more than him. It's true. I went to celebritynetworth.com and looked it up. FACT. Tom Brady is losing his hair and how else could he nail down those lucrative sponsorships like Uggs if he didn't have his deceptive flowing locks?

You know what else pisses me off about Tom Brady? No one mentions that he's a scumbag. Through extensive use of wikipedia and the always factual reporting of People magazine, I was able to come up with this timeline.

December 2006: Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan end their relationship.
January 2007: It's reported that Tom and Gisele began dating before Christmas of 2006. Hmmm, very interesting.
August 2007: Bridget gives birth to Tom Brady's first kid. That's weird. If you do some quick math, you'll see that Tom Brady knocked up Bridget Moynahan just weeks before she broke up with him and before the calendar turns over he's dating a Brazilian supermodel. Wow, what a classy fellow. Everyone is so quick to judge Antonio "Baby Mama Drama" Cromartie but we just sweep Tom Brady's indiscretions under the rug. The rug he'll soon have to wear because he's lost all of his hair. And that's how you bring it full circle.

I'm rambling so I'll bring this very poorly written post to a close with this: I realize most of our audience are Patriot fans so they probably won't care for this post. But Chris will like it. And that's good enough for me.

-Slick