Oh You Silly Rappers...

You guys say the most ridiculous things.

There are lots of good rappers. Well, probably less now than there were back when I used to listen to more rap, but at least some of them probably don't suck. Mostly because I bet some of the guys I listened to before still rap. But sometimes, whether it's because they need to squeeze words into a particular rhyme scheme or just because they've got nothing else that works, they say things that are just ridiculous. And yeah, most of these are going to be old since all old music is better than all new music. It's just a rule of nature.

"I woke up out that coma 2001 / Bout the same time Dre dropped 2001" - The Game

First off, using the same word or phrase isn't really rhyming. But more importantly, the unfortunately titled album 2001 was actually released in November of 1999, whereas The Game (who apparently only goes by Game now) was in a coma in October of 2001. I would think that someone who claims to have so much respect for West Coast rap would be more aware of that fact.

"I'm sick, you couldn't measure my dick with six rulers." - Big Punisher

I'm not sure if Big Pun (may he rest in peace) if suggesting that he possesses a 6-foot wang, but that's just ridiculous. The logistics alone would be unmanageable. He'd need a completely custom wardrobe, although he might need that anyways being of the... overweight persuasion, not to mention that anytime he got "excited" he'd be risking an assault charge.

Hey, I'm all for ridiculous bravado and outrageous exaggerations, but this seems really uncomfortable.

"Fifty fear no man, warrior, swing swords like Conan." - 50 Cent

"So the pen is mightier than the sword, my Lord" - Jay-Z

At first glance, neither of these lyrics seems absurd. However, you might notice that have one word in common. And the ridiculousness of both of them stem from that common word, "sword," which both rappers pronounce with heavy emphasis on the "W." Maybe in 50's case, he's trying to preserve the alliterative effect of the phrase "swing swords," but I can't figure out the reasoning behind Jay-Z's awful pronunciation. Maybe I just don't understand rap music's deeper meanings, like intentionally mispronouncing common words.

"In this white man's world, I'm simular to a squirrel" - 50 Cent

Nope, that's not a typo. He really says "simular."

Another 50 Cent quote, and from the same song as the previous one. He's not the only rapper to make this ear-grating vowel transposition, but he's the one that stuck out most prominently in my mind. There's no "U" in similar, and there never was. It's like the person is trying to mix "similar" and "simulate" into one word.

Changing a vowel can have drastic consequences as well. The phrase, "Wow, I took like 8 shots in a row at the bar last night!" has a whole new meaning if you switch the "O" in shots to an "I"...

"What's next? What's next? What's N-X-E-T?" - Warren G

Seriously? I mean... what is this supposed... how can you just... I mean it's not even... sigh.

Did nobody listen to these tracks before the CD came out? Or, potentially worse, did people listen to them and not notice this glaring error? I guess lyrics don't come with spellcheck.

This is just a tip of the iceberg, as I didn't even feature anything from Wu-Tang, who spit some of the most absurd claims ever to be captured on record. Or from Lil Wayne, who I avoided just on principle, but I'm sure could provide enough fodder for his own featured appearance. Which he won't get. Because I hate his music.

-Jon

Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen

It's one thing to sit down, watch a few episodes of a show, formulate a coherent opinion of the good parts and bad parts of said show, and write a well-thought-out, informative piece on it.

That seems like an awful lot of work, and doesn't really fit in with what we do here. Seriously, read the mission statement up at the top left.

Instead, what I'm going to do is judge shows completely based on their commercials. A ridiculously high number of commercials that I see while watching TV shows are commercials for other TV shows. I really need to start taking better advantage of the DVR...

Mob Wives - You know how growing up is filled with drama? Basically starting in middle school, people are constantly worried about who's dating whom, what's being said about other people, who did what when and where, and all that crap. This probably continues for a lot of people through high school and maybe into college. However, most of us grow up at some point, and usually by the mid-20s this bullshit has lost its appeal to pretty much anyone that's worth hanging out with.

This show appears to be about what happens if you never stop being a drama queen, and are also Italian.

The fact that there are shows like this on television makes me sad to be a human being. On another note, have you ever noticed that the people who are like "I'm so tired of drama" are always the ones who are waist-deep in it? They're probably the fanbase for this show. And based on that, I'm going to have to assume that this show sucks donkey dongs.

I Get That a Lot - From the commercials, this appears to be a show where celebrities pretend they aren't celebrities, and then when people recognize them (which I have to assume is immediately for some of these people), they say "I get that a lot." Seriously, who wouldn't recognize AC Slater if he was pretending to be a pizza delivery guy? So I guess the point of the show is that they just lie to regular people. Once you're caught trying to fool someone, it stops being a practical joke and just becomes sad. I guess it's not enough that they have millions of dollars, they also have to make us look like jerks. What a bunch of assholes. This show probably sucks monkey scrotum.

Alcatraz - This show looks kind of cool. A bunch of people disappear from Alcatraz prison in some kind of supernatural event, and then reappear years later and start fucking shit up? Yeah, I'll buy into that. Obviously there are major issues in that these hardened criminals show up way later and seem to have no problems slipping back into a life of crime despite the incredible changes that have occurred in the past few years. I think that someone who magically transported to today from even 15 years ago would have a hard time adjusting, so it's a little sketchy that someone from 30-40 years ago would just be like "yeah, that's cool," but that's for the writers to figure out.

On the other hand, JJ Abrams has a hand in this, and he was a real asshole at the end of Lost after promising answers and then just saying everyone was dead the whole time. For this show, it will probably all end up being a dream of some coma victim, and Abrams will be laughing all the way to the bank, shouting "Haha, I got you all again you stupid bastards!!" out the sunroof of his limo, which is filled with champagne and topless supermodels. I'll give this show a chance, and a potential rating of "this seems like a cool idea, but in the end it will probably piss everyone off and they'll be like, 'what a load of horseshit!'"

Two Broke Girls - Since I watch How I Met Your Mother regularly and this show is on after it (which I believe is called a "lead" and is based on the idea that if someone watches HIMYM, they may lose the remote during that half hour and just sit there and watch the next show regardless of quality), I get to see a lot of commercials for it. A LOT!! From every commercial, it appears to be about two girls that work in a diner and, presumably, do not have much money. I guess the appeal is supposed to be that one of them (the daughter from The 40-Year Old Virgin) has large boobs and the other seems like Paris Hilton. And every single joke in the commercials is painfully set up. I realize that most people are morons (a topic that I believe has been covered on this site in detail), but you can write funny television without basically flashing a neon sign that says "Look, here comes a joke!"

This show seems like it could be tolerable in small doses, but in the long run it will probably just be annoying.

This year is off to a torrid pace of posts. I sincerely doubt that it will be maintained.

-Jon

These Commercials Are Just Terrible

What better way to ring in a new year than by taking a verbal dump all over some awful commercials that wrapped up the last one? Also, this is Jon, which I feel I need to clarify every time I start off a post with any sort of angry reference because everyone assumes it's going to be Slick. I have emotions too, people!!

First up is every commercial in the "I think I'm a rich person now even though I'm a stupid asshole" line of commercials from some wireless cell phone company. So what they're saying is that saving a couple hundred dollars a year makes you think all of a sudden that you drive a sweet Bentley? How stupid are these people? The icing on the cake is the commercial where the lady thinks she's going to buy the Crown Jewels with all her extra dough. I have personally seen said jewels, and they are not just sitting out in a glass case in a museum. They are inside a crazy vault inside the Tower of London. More importantly, they are not guarded by Americans, although they apparently are in this commercial. I guess that the main idea of these commercials is that buying their phone makes you dumber. Fuck you, whatever phone company you are.

Chloe would be upset with me if I did not include the Kia Soul commercial where a bunch of robots are at war with each other until some hamsters show up and dance to "Party Rock" (may not actually be the name of the song, but who cares) and then all the robots dance. Ignoring the fact that this is a car commercial that gives me literally zero information about the car it's advertising, Chloe's issue is that dancing robots and dancing hamsters need to get the hell off the TV screen, and she will bark at them until they do.

Next up we have the Robitussin Relief Finder commercial. Why is the "star" of this commercial an orangutan? Do many apes use Robitussin? Why is it wearing a scarf and slippers but no other clothes? It doesn't make any fucking sense!!!

Finally, we'll close with the commercials for another phone, which I think is the HTC from someone who makes phones. These commercials are the ones where people keep walking up and talking to either a pair of guys or a pair of girls who are always like, "that's so 20 seconds ago" or some other hipster-like bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry that I was trying to be helpful but didn't realize that at some point you two were elected co-presidents of Douchebagistan. Please forgive my insolence. I understand that the purpose of these commercials is to exaggerate how awesome this phone is, but have you ever actually tried to upload a video to Facebook? It's not a 3 second procedure like the commercial makes it seem. It's actually a huge pain in the ass, and half the time it fails because Facebook's uploading program is complete shit. They should put that into a commercial, with people getting pissed because after they've tried to upload a video or a whole bunch of photos, they get an error message instead and fling their phone across the room. But, since the phone is so beastly, it still works after smashing into a wall. That would get me to buy a phone.

Also, that guy comes over letting them know someone at the company is leaving, and they've already had the party for him. Seriously, a 25 second party? What a bunch of assholes.

Stay tuned for my upcoming post, "Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen." It should be epic.

Happy New Year. May yours be filled with hilarious blog posts. Or informative ones. Or delicious ones.

-Jon