Dammit Celtics

What kind of trade deadline shenanigans was Danny Ainge trying to pull? Is there a shortage of chairs for the bench and they needed to cut the roster? Is Jermaine O'Neal someone that you really have faith in as the guy who's going to carry the team in the playoffs? Who's going to fill the role of goofy white guy now that Scal's replacement Luke "The Duke" Harangody* is also gone? Are you tired of the rhetorical questions yet?

In case you still don't know what's going on, the Celtics had a yard sale at the trading deadline, sending away Kendrick Perkins, Nate Robinson, Semih Erden, Luke Harangody and Marquis Daniels + cash to various destinations in exchange for Jeff Green, Nenad Krstic, a 2nd round pick in 2013 and another 2nd round pick in 2017. And then promptly got the shit kicked out of them in Denver, going the last 6 minutes or so of the game without scoring a point.

I can understand trading Semih and Luke, as Semih is a rookie and probably doesn't fit in long-term in Boston, and Luke is just a goofy guy. Maybe trading Marquis makes sense since he bruised his spinal cord and may never really be the same player. That's a pretty crappy thing to do to a guy, but the NBA's a business and being nice isn't really in the game plan. And I suppose Robinson's season so far has been pretty sub-par, but at least he's fun to watch.

But Perkins? The only guy on the team that's willing to bang bodies with the other big guys in the league? That seems like a terrible idea. I am seriously frightened about what Dwight Howard is going to do to the Celtics next time the Magic are in town. And it's not like Perkins was unhappy in Boston, or unpopular with the team. The rest of the players loved that guy. Did you see how upset Garnett and Pierce were? Not to mention the fact that any real Celtics fan is convinced that Game 7 last June is definitely a win for the C's if Perk hadn't wrecked his knee.

And they traded him away!

Danny Ainge might have just lost all the goodwill he earned when he got Garnett and Allen to come to Boston. Ass hat.

I wouldn't even mind seeing the Thunder win the championship now as long as A) it's not against the Celtics, B) they beat the Lakers on the way there, and C) Perkins is a major part of it.

As for the Celtics? The next couple of months may end up being very painful to watch. Thanks a lot, Danny boy.

-Jon

* Actual nickname may vary. Slash not exist.

The Coolest People in America

The following is a list of the coolest people in America, as decided by me.

Miguel Cabrera

Reason why he is cool: This photo, which was taken after getting caught drunk driving. Also, the guy continued to drink scotch, IN HIS CAR, while being questioned by the cops.

Officer: Were you drunk driving?

Cabrera: (drinks scotch) Yup.

He was drinking scotch, too! It wasn't like he was drinking some shit like Miller Lite, even though it's got grooves. It was scotch!

Coolness Rating: Flying Snowman cool

Chris Brown

Reason why he is cool: He hit Rihanna, and someone needed to knock her off her pedestal. This girl told me the other day that she liked Rihanna because she is such a strong, independent woman. Yeah, with lyrics like, "take it, take it, baby, baby" and "Want you to take it like a thief in the night," I had to agree. I can't wait to have a daughter someday refer to her vag as an object and desire to be raped. Plus, Rihanna has herpes.

Coolness Rating: François with a mustache cool

Chris "The Birdman" Andersen

Reason why he is cool: He got suspended from the NBA for like 2 years for doing so many drugs. Guys in the NBA rape a woman every 4 hours and don't get suspended, which means this guy must have done a LOT of drugs. Take a look at him. He obviously hasn't stopped doing them either.

Coolness Rating: Damn it Jon, get the hint and start making more Snowman comics.

-Pat the Intern

Go Fuck Yourself: Watson

Welcome back to the long discontinued series, Go Fuck Yourself. As you are probably aware, this week on Jeopardy IBM pitted their superdouche computer Watson against the two greatest Jeopardy champions of all time. OF ALL TIME. IBM wanted to see if they could create a computer that could analyze the "subtle nuances of language" that make Jeopardy "so gosh darn challenging." Alright, you got me. That second quote was me. But the first one is real. And after watching the results, everybody is going to be like, "Yay, Watson beat Ken and Brad. OMG!!! IBM is so awesome." But I watched the entire match today and the first round on Monday so I feel safe in saying that IBM, while doing something pretty incredible in creating a computer that can compete on Jeopardy, didn't really create a computer that can compete on Jeopardy. And here's why:

Every time we have dinner at my mom's she makes us watch Jeopardy at 7:30. So I watch a fair amount of said program. Usually they have some sort of category like "Before and After" or some sort of pun category that's more about how fast you can think rather than a straight know the answer type of category. You know what I'm talking about. Like "Drop a letter from this word for a douchey asshole blogger and you get a nickname for Richard." So the question would be, "What is prick." Those kind of categories. But with Watson they didn't have any of this stuff. It was almost exclusively straightforward trivia bullshit. Well no fucking shit a computer is better and faster than humans at trivia. Does that really shock anyone? Oh wow, computers are really fast. Even my piece of shit laptop can get 1.65 million results for "Asian midget golden shower bukakke" in .29 seconds . . . you know, like hypothetically if I were to perform such a search . . .

Right, where was I? So they tailor-made a set of questions that fit Watson's answering abilities. That would be like if I was playing two conservative Christian missionaries and they had an entire category, "Made-up Swears." Surprise, surprise: Slick swept the category. I'm impressed with Watson, but not that impressed.

Especially because Watson is a cheating motherfucker. How come when the final Jeopardy category is "U.S. Cities" and he gets it wrong, oh look, he only wagered $700. But then the category is "19th Century Novelists" and well gosh darnit, he got it right and wagered $17,000. Fuck that. That's the old serbian jew double bluff and you're not going to fool me with it. But you might say, "Yeah but Ken was a lot closer in the second game so the computer was just risking enough to beat Ken's best score." Well, I thought about that. If the computer was that smart, then it would be smart enough to know that it just had to risk enough to beat Ken's best 2 day score, and therefore, wouldn't have risked very much because the only way he could have lost was by risking that much money in the second game. Plus, it's a fucking computer. The concept of winning the 2 day match should have been given a higher precedent than winning a lot of money. What's he going to do with $75,000 that he couldn't do by winning only $55,000? Fuck Watson, he obviously cheated.

So now that you've heard my witty and well thought out criticisms, I can make fun of other people's retarded ones. Today I was listening to Rock 102: Springfield's Classic Rock and Bax of the possibly famous (?) Bax and O'Brien said that Watson was stupid because he repeated a wrong answer that another player had already given. No shit. He's a fucking computer. He can't listen to other people's answers. Maybe if you paid attention and realized that he receives the questions electronically, then you would know that he doesn't get audio clues. And normally I like Bax because he's a big fat loudmouth, just like me. But in this case, he just looks stupid and ignorant. Unlike myself who is always articulate and well-informed.

Finally, completely unrelated to Watson: Anyone that drives a Cadillac Escalade EXT just has to be the worst human being imaginable. "Hey everybody, look at me. I drive a retarded looking $60,000 pickup truck. I like showing that I have a lot of money but I also enjoy being able to haul lumber. NOW I CAN DO BOTH!!" I can't imagine a car brand that has less to do with the functional nature of a pickup than Cadillac. That would be like if Ferrari put out a line of lawnmowers. But not riding mowers. Not even electric lawnmowers. The old fashioned push mowers. My uncle used to use one to mow his lawn in Maine. It always made me smile.

So go fuck yourself Watson and Cadillac Escalade EXT owners.

-Slick

P.S. All three times I typed the word Cadillac, for some reason I put "Cadillace" before having to correct myself. I have no idea why I did this, but I thought you might be interested in knowing that I may be retarded.

I Don't Get It

With new developments in technology, television networks are always trying to develop the next gimmick to watch sports. 3D televisions allow you to see the game in a whole new way . . . I guess. I don't know. I already have to put on glasses to watch tv because I'm irrational and refuse to get contacts, so I don't know how much I'd want to put on another pair of glasses. It just seems weird to me. But I digress. Then you have NBC (I think, it might be ESPN) telling me I can watch Sunday Night Football from 12 different angles over at NBC.com but none of those angles are shot from the perspective of the left guard's crotch. That's the view I really want. But I'd really just like to watch a game without 45 minutes of commercials. Yes it's delightful to have a touchdown-commercial-kickoff-commercial-first down sequence but I'm not sure that 11 seconds of gameplay was too much. But I continue to digress as this post as nothing to do with 3D technology or football.

I was watching the Kansas-Kansas State game last night and ESPN had two "coaches boxes" in the bottom left corner so that I could watch Bill Self and Frank Martin coaching the game I'm currently watching. So essentially I'm watching both coaches watching the same game. Now admittedly, Frank Martin is fun to watch because he's absolutely nuts. Like eyes bulging, intense stare down insane. Oh look, they called a foul on Kansas. Bill Self looks angry. Frank Martin . . . nope still looks insane. At what point in an ESPN meeting at their underground lair in Bristol was someone like, "People have asked for, nay demanded, cameras focused on the coaches at all times." I can't imagine it works for coaches that aren't certifiable. Like if I had to watch Coach K it would send me into a murderous rage having to watch that little rat faced prick whine and bitch that Kyle Singler isn't getting enough respect from the referees.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I don't see the appeal of watching coaches. I just don't get it.

-Slick

I Hate People

I am sure that my misanthropic tendencies are widely known, so maybe this can become a regular feature. Or not. I am more of a fan of coming up with new ideas than I am of continuing them due to what I can only assume is a short attention span. What was I talking about?

Oh right. People suck. Especially this next guy/girl.

For some reason, I was reading about the weather on WWLP, and for some other reason I must have had some sort of aneurysm and decided to read the comments. Side note - why does everything have a "Comments" section? Obviously this site needs them because I like making snarky comments and would appreciate them from our reader, but I am not sure a weather story on WWLP.com needs them. Side note concluded. There was one particular comment there that not only made me sad because it was so poorly written, but also because I think the person writing it might be one of the dumbest people I've ever encountered.

At any rate, I think it's time to verbally lacerate this person. Or whatever the written equivalent of verbal is. The original text is in the different font. And has less swearing.

I would rather see the snow banks, I wash my car 3 or 4 times a week and hate to get it all dirty and wet again after I wash it.

First off, that first comma should be a period. A semi-colon might be ok, except that the second sentence isn't really related to the first. Way to write, jerkoff. Secondly, who in their right mind washes their car that often? I don't even wash myself that frequently.

My next door neighbors car is all rusted out because of all the salt on the road.

Try "neighbor's." Come on! Every keyboard has apostrophes. Give them a try.

I went down to store the other day and had to rewash it because of another car hit a big puddle and it was sand and salty.

This sentence gives me a headache. I assume that "store" is a car wash. And if you want your car to be clean for the entire winter, you have two choices. Keep it in the garage until spring, or cover it in some sort of car coat. This is New England; we get snow.

Hope it stays down in temp for a few more months like 10 or 12 degrees.

If the temperature stays in the teens until May, I will absolutely lose my mind. You'll see me wandering the streets wearing 3 coats, swearing at snowbanks and throwing snowballs at passersby. Or I'll be hibernating in my room with flannel sheets.

I keep my house at 84 degrees and my garage stays at 76 to keep my car warm.

Holy shit! That's too hot even for Kathryn, and she wraps up in blankets during the summer! And the garage is 76°!! This guy is obviously having an affair with his car. At this point, I am starting to think this is some asshole making shit up.

Oil has only costed me about $9,700.00 so far this winter so its not too bad here. I do heat my indoor swimming pool to so we can swim everyday. Maybe I should sign up for fuel assitance this year.

Let's ignore the fact that "costed" isn't even supposed to be a word. Do you see that dollar amount? What the fuck?!? That's more than I've spent on heating in the 5 years since I've moved out. Obviously this guy heats his pool, since that's completely relevant. And I swear to God, if they give out fuel "assitance" (which is probably like assistance, except for assholes) to jackoffs who keep their house at the same temperature as the Brazilian rainforest, I'm starting a riot. Let me know beforehand, and I'll loot you something nice.

I need to keep my money in the bank to make interest and not spending it all on oil and electric. Electric cost here is around 1,100.00 a month, guess thats not that bad.

Step 1 for saving money: turn the fucking heat down. And holy shit again, $1100 a month on electric? Does this guy wake up every morning and turn on every light and appliance in his house? That's almost a full year's electricity bill where I come from. Again, this is a brain-hemorrhage-inducing pair of sentences with a nonsense first sentence, another comma splice and another missing apostrophe.

Wilbraham is a tough place to live in because of the high taxes and things.

Yes, unlike other places in Massachusetts which are tax-free. Maybe you could save some of your oil and electricity money and use it to move to an easier place to live. Like downtown Springfield.

Got to go now as I have to fly to California tonight with my better half to have a nice supper and homemade chocolate pudding. Let it snow more and no rain. :)

What the fuck is going on in this sentence? He's flying to California for dinner? Man, I think it's a big deal when I go all the way to Northampton, and this guy's flying across the damn country. With his better half no less. Which, if you've forgotten, is his car that has probably been washed twice today. I like that he ends things with a smiley face, because I'm picturing this guy as a smiling jackass, batting at the keyboard with his hands and going, "Derrrrrrr!!?!?" any time letters appear on the screen.

Well, that was fun. If you really want to spice things up, try reading just his part all at once. But make sure you've taken some aspirin or something first, because there's a good chance that it will cause a blood clot or heart attack. Don't say I didn't warn you.

-Jon

So You Want to Be a Guinea Pig?

This actually isn't an opinion post, although I should have written one about Mission: Impossible 3. Maybe I'll do that later. Or tomorrow. Jeez, have some patience.

My goal this year is to develop my own recipes for meatballs, risotto and cheesecake. Separately of course. That would make one really weird combined dinner/dessert if they were all together. I don't want to call this a "resolution," because that way I won't have to feel bad if I fail. Besides, if you want resolutions, you can go read about beer. Or form your own resolutions and get off my case.

These probably sound like pretty random foods, but there's always a method to my madness. First off, everyone needs a good meatball recipe. Once you've had some quality homemade meatballs, that store-bought crap is only good enough for meatball grinders. And I can't be sitting around here waiting for other people to make meatballs for me. It's time to seize the day!

Next, I had risotto with my meal at Sadie and John's rehearsal dinner and then again at dinner the other night, and both times it was probably better than the main part of the meal. Both had some gorgonzola cheese, and the latter also had spinach and artichoke. That definitely seems like the kind of thing I could handle, and would offer another side dish to my repertoire, which is slightly thin at the present.

Finally, cheesecake is a fantastic dessert but absurdly expensive at restaurants, almost prohibitively so. So if i could make my own, maybe I could charge exorbitant prices and not have to get a real job! Or at least have some sweet cheesecake to enjoy. Either way really.

So where do you come in? Someone's gotta eat all this stuff when I whip it up or else I'll end up being like 350 lbs and needing a walker to get around. But then you have to tell me how to improve on the food. Hey, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

And no, I don't want your recipe. Or your cousin's. Or your aunt's. Or your grandmother's that's been passed down for 4 generations. Then it wouldn't be mine, now would it? Quit trying to steal my thunder, you insensitive clod.

-Jon

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume III

Does anyone actually think these are funny? I don't know. I don't give a shit. Sorry about the delay, I've just been super busy lately. Katy Perry was on "How I Met Your Mother" on Monday so I figured I would make fun of her this week. As I'm sure you all know, Katy Perry rose to fame with her smash hit, "I Kissed a Girl." And if I remember correctly, I think she liked it. And since then it's just been nonsensical jibberish after nonsensical jibberish. Except for "Hot n cold." That song is my jam. But man, those boobs could sell anything. This week we have "Firework" which I can only assume will be as bad as Bruno Mars and Ke$ha. Not coincidentally, all three artists appear on Pandora's "Really Crappy Pop Music" channel . . . probably.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Uhhhhhhh yeah, only always.

Drifting through the wind

Oh, well then nevermind.

Wanting to start again

I don't get it. I'm supposed to feel like a plastic bag. What am I supposed to want to start again? Holding more groceries?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

I don't know what that feeling is supposed to feel like. I think this song may be directed at fat teenage girls. "That Katy Perry with her incredible body and huge tits, she really understands the pain I'm going through."

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

I'm not really getting these metaphors. Plastic bag, house of cards, a . . . zombie, maybe? But really I feel like a firework and I'm not sure she understands that.

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine

Now everybody sing, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Oh this little light of mine . . ."

Just own the night

You've gotta go out there and be the best damned woman of the night you can possibly be.

Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework

What? She does know I feel like a firework? GAAAAAH SHE TOTALLY GETS ME! THIS SONG MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW!!!!!!!

C'mon let your colors burst

What the fuck does that mean?

Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"

Wait, hold on. Burst . . . "Oh, oh oh." Now get it. It's about sex. I think Katy Perry wants to see your "Oh, oh, oh" face.

You're going to leave them falling down-own-own

That makes sense if you're talking about sex (which clearly she isn't) but what does that have to do with fireworks? Who sees fireworks and is like, "Holy shit, this is too intense. I gotta sit down." This is the problem with today's music. Just throw a bunch of words together. Who gives a shit if they rhyme or make any sense. Throw a hot beat on that and we got a top 10 single. Fucking kids.

You don't have to feel, like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced

If you feel like a waste of space, then you probably are. This is more of that, "Everybody's special" crap which is why kids are becoming a bunch of pussies.

If you only knew, what the future holds

Then it would be boring because you already know what happens. What? Bruce Willis is already dead the entire time in the Sixth Sense? FUCK! Now, I don't need to watch it.

/makes timely Sixth Sense jokes.

After a hurricane, comes a rainbow

Yeah, but is it a double rainbow? Then I'm not going to bother looking.

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Your life is going to be nothing but kittens and rainbows and everything's going to be perfect. Puke.

-Slick

NBA Fans are. . .

obviously morons.

Yao Ming was voted as the starter for the Western Conference All-Star team. Yes, the Yao Ming for the Houston Rockets who played in a grand total of 5 games this year before getting hurt. The Yao Ming whose stats for the year are 51 points, 27 rebounds, 8 blocks and 4 assists. Total. That guy was elected to the All-Star team. As a starter. That's a major kick in the junk to every other starting center in the Western Conference. Granted, he's 15 of 16 from the free throw line. Apparently you just can't put a high enough value on that kind of performance.

Not elected to the All-Star team? Kevin Love, who in one game this year had 31 rebounds, which would be more than Yao's season total. He's also averaging 21.4 points per game, which more than doubles Yao's measly 10.2. Maybe Love's problem is that he's listed as a power forward and has to go for votes against guy's like Pau Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki and Blake Griffin. And also that the Western Conference isn't starting a power forward, which is just strange.

Also a moron is the guy who wrote an article about the All-Star team snubs and mentioned Joakim Noah. Now, I'm obviously biased against Noah because he's not on the Celtics and looks ridiculous, but I'm a reasonable person so I'll listen to the argument for his place on the squad. Until the guy supporting him (who is a writer for ESPN and not some random schmo) ends his blurb with the following sentence.

Thanks to injury, he has played just 24 games, and a lot of Chicago's best ball has come with Noah in funky street clothes.

So the team is playing great, and possibly better, without him, but he's an All-Star? Not buying it.

And sorry, NBA fans, you had your chance and you blew it. The All-Star game shouldn't be a popularity contest. It's not a high school election.

*UPDATE* - David Stern, the NBA commissioner, obviously reads this blog. It was just announced in the last couple hours that Yao's spot will be filled by Kevin Love since obviously Yao won't actually be attending due to injury. Thanks for reading, Dave!

-Jon