The Coolest People in America

The following is a list of the coolest people in America, as decided by me.

Miguel Cabrera

Reason why he is cool: This photo, which was taken after getting caught drunk driving. Also, the guy continued to drink scotch, IN HIS CAR, while being questioned by the cops.

Officer: Were you drunk driving?

Cabrera: (drinks scotch) Yup.

He was drinking scotch, too! It wasn't like he was drinking some shit like Miller Lite, even though it's got grooves. It was scotch!

Coolness Rating: Flying Snowman cool

Chris Brown

Reason why he is cool: He hit Rihanna, and someone needed to knock her off her pedestal. This girl told me the other day that she liked Rihanna because she is such a strong, independent woman. Yeah, with lyrics like, "take it, take it, baby, baby" and "Want you to take it like a thief in the night," I had to agree. I can't wait to have a daughter someday refer to her vag as an object and desire to be raped. Plus, Rihanna has herpes.

Coolness Rating: François with a mustache cool

Chris "The Birdman" Andersen

Reason why he is cool: He got suspended from the NBA for like 2 years for doing so many drugs. Guys in the NBA rape a woman every 4 hours and don't get suspended, which means this guy must have done a LOT of drugs. Take a look at him. He obviously hasn't stopped doing them either.

Coolness Rating: Damn it Jon, get the hint and start making more Snowman comics.

-Pat the Intern