This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume III

Does anyone actually think these are funny? I don't know. I don't give a shit. Sorry about the delay, I've just been super busy lately. Katy Perry was on "How I Met Your Mother" on Monday so I figured I would make fun of her this week. As I'm sure you all know, Katy Perry rose to fame with her smash hit, "I Kissed a Girl." And if I remember correctly, I think she liked it. And since then it's just been nonsensical jibberish after nonsensical jibberish. Except for "Hot n cold." That song is my jam. But man, those boobs could sell anything. This week we have "Firework" which I can only assume will be as bad as Bruno Mars and Ke$ha. Not coincidentally, all three artists appear on Pandora's "Really Crappy Pop Music" channel . . . probably.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Uhhhhhhh yeah, only always.

Drifting through the wind

Oh, well then nevermind.

Wanting to start again

I don't get it. I'm supposed to feel like a plastic bag. What am I supposed to want to start again? Holding more groceries?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

I don't know what that feeling is supposed to feel like. I think this song may be directed at fat teenage girls. "That Katy Perry with her incredible body and huge tits, she really understands the pain I'm going through."

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

I'm not really getting these metaphors. Plastic bag, house of cards, a . . . zombie, maybe? But really I feel like a firework and I'm not sure she understands that.

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine

Now everybody sing, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Oh this little light of mine . . ."

Just own the night

You've gotta go out there and be the best damned woman of the night you can possibly be.

Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework

What? She does know I feel like a firework? GAAAAAH SHE TOTALLY GETS ME! THIS SONG MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW!!!!!!!

C'mon let your colors burst

What the fuck does that mean?

Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"

Wait, hold on. Burst . . . "Oh, oh oh." Now get it. It's about sex. I think Katy Perry wants to see your "Oh, oh, oh" face.

You're going to leave them falling down-own-own

That makes sense if you're talking about sex (which clearly she isn't) but what does that have to do with fireworks? Who sees fireworks and is like, "Holy shit, this is too intense. I gotta sit down." This is the problem with today's music. Just throw a bunch of words together. Who gives a shit if they rhyme or make any sense. Throw a hot beat on that and we got a top 10 single. Fucking kids.

You don't have to feel, like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced

If you feel like a waste of space, then you probably are. This is more of that, "Everybody's special" crap which is why kids are becoming a bunch of pussies.

If you only knew, what the future holds

Then it would be boring because you already know what happens. What? Bruce Willis is already dead the entire time in the Sixth Sense? FUCK! Now, I don't need to watch it.

/makes timely Sixth Sense jokes.

After a hurricane, comes a rainbow

Yeah, but is it a double rainbow? Then I'm not going to bother looking.

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Your life is going to be nothing but kittens and rainbows and everything's going to be perfect. Puke.

-Slick