This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume VI: Jason Owen

In a move that will certainly anger dedicated mmmmopinion reader Melissa, I have to make fun of Jason Owen. And of course, by Jason Owen I mean Jake Owen. But I think his name should be Jason so that's what I'm going to call him. But before we get to Jason and his cliched piece of shit "Barefoot Blue Jean Night," I have to address some criticisms from my last Lyrical Genius post regarding the beautiful and talented Kimberly Perry. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Kathryn and Melissa. So yeah, maybe there are some pictures where Miss Perry looks like a bag of smashed assholes. So what? There's also pictures where she's been airbrushed and looks absolutely smoking. And I'm not the kind of person who makes judgments based on what people actually look like. I'm not that shallow. Instead, I make judgments based on pictures where every imperfection has been removed. That's just the kind of guy I am. So you hold your tongue the next time you want to insult someone who's only flaw is that they want to share their beautiful gift of music with you.

Alright, so Jason Owen sucks a lot of dick. Interesting fun fact about Mister Owen: his real name isn't Jason or Jake. It's actually Joshua. But Joshua isn't hillbilly enough to sell country music so he had to adopt the stage name Jake or some shit. None of this is in any way important/relevant. I just wanted to share some information I learned from wikipedia. But whatever he wants to call himself, this song really just epitomizes the worst about country music and music in general. Look at these lyrics and try to tell me that it takes more than a 2nd grade education to write this shit. YOU CAN'T.

A full moon shining bright
Edge of the water we were feeling alright

Oh god, it's only been two fucking lines and it's already terrible. Is there ever a country song that doesn't take place on the edge of the water? What was it, that ass in the sand song? I swear to god, the entire facebook community used those lyrics. Christ, if this thing is only half finished when it gets posted it's because I went to kill myself.

Back down a country road

Of course it is. The only way to get to any body of water is down a country road. Why don't you people invest in some fucking infrastructure?

The girls are always hot and the beer is ice cold

That's what happens when you put beer in ice and only invite good looking girls to hang out with you.

Cadillac, horns on the hood

The only thing that makes this funny is that I keep picturing the guy from the Simpsons who has a pair of longhorns attached to his car. I thought that was a joke. I didn't know people actually did that. No wonder this country is turning to shit.

My buddy Frankie had his dad hook him up good

Now, keep in mind that Jason Owen is 30 years old. So either he's hanging out with, I don't know, like 17 year olds OR he and his friends are still using their dads' cars. I'd say it's about 50/50. I really can't decide which is more likely.

Girls smile when we roll by

Who'd have thought that girls would take advantage of guys with nice cars. Mind ... BLOWN.

They hop in the back and we cruise to the riverside

That's twice, TWICE, in the first eight lines of the song that Jason has to tell you that they're hanging out by the water. "Oh, do you not get to hang out by the water? Cause my buddy's dad has some lakeside property. It's pretty sweet. You should come by some time and bring some chicks, but no fatties or uggos. And bring some beer, but only if it has two bars showing. That's how you know it's supercold. Down by the water."

Never gonna grow up

Barf.

Never gonna slow down

Puke.

We were shinin like lighters in the dark in the middle of a rock show

That doesn't even make any fucking sense.

We were doin' it right

Doing what right? Hanging out by the water drinking beer? You can do that in Ludlow when you're 14.

We were comin' alive

WILD TIMES A'COMIN'.

Yeah, caught up in a Southern, summer barefoot bluejean night

"They said I couldn't get 4 adjectives in the last line of the chorus, but I totally did it anyway."

Blue eyes and auburn hair
Sittin' lookin' pretty by the fire in a lawn chair

Oh good, I was hoping for a lawn chair reference.

New to town, and new to me
Her ruby red lips was sippin' on sweet tea

Country roads. Horns on cars. Bluejean nights. Sweet tea. If this song gets any more country it's going to try to fuck it's sister.

Shot me a look like a shootin' star

What the fuck does that even mean? Nothing in this song makes any sense. It's just a collection of words. Douchetard.

So, I grabbed a beer and my ol' guitar

Oh fuck, of course you did. "Hey there's a girl I haven't banged yet. Well wait until I dust off the old pipes. Then she'll be dustin' off my pipe, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!"

Then we sat around till the break of dawn
Howlin' and singin' our favorite song

Did I not tell you crazy times were a'comin? I TOLD YOU CRAZY TIMES WERE A COMIN! Holy shit! Drinking beer around a fire and singing, NOBODY PARTIES LIKE WE DO! Oh shit, is it already dawn cause Frankie's got to get his dad's car back before 8.

That was the worst one so far.

-Slick