My Cousin's Wedding and Other Stories

First and foremost, this isn't an opinion but a collection of stories that have all happened recently. Clearly you're not that busy if you're reading our blog, so I'm sure you'll appreciate the diversion even if it doesn't technically fit the title of the blog. However, it will most likely still be over opinionated so, I mean, I guess it fits. In any case, I haven't written anything substantial in a while so this is probably going to be a pretty long post. So get your popcorn ready, get settled in a comfortable chair and get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown. Let's go.

Saturday was an extremely important day in the history of my family: USA was playing Ghana in the round of 16 . . . oh yeah and the first of my maternal grandmother's grandchildren got married or something. I think. I never technically saw them get married, but we'll get to that part of the story soon. Alright, so USA-Ghana: The Rematch. Could the US get revenge against the team that prevented them from advancing out of the group stage four years ago? No. Fucking assholes. Now the game started at 2:30 and the wedding started at 4:30 . . . I think you can see where this is going. First half highlights: I'm not sure, I was sleeping on the floor of our hotel room. Oh yeah, I skipped that part. We drove to New Hampshire to make sure we were there in time to check in to our hotel before the game started. Right. So after Ghana scored, which I think happened in the first 8 seconds, I took a nap. Second half, USA dominating the attack and Landon "Big Dick" Donovan bangs home a penalty shot for the equalizer. Then, in a brilliant tactical move, the US decides to stop attacking and you know the end of the story. Of course, you also know that this game went to extra time, so by the time the game was over it was like 5:15. Oops. The most important game in the history of US soccer vs. my cousin's wedding. I maintain we made the right choice. If you're my mother, you do not feel the same way. However, if you're my mother, after hearing that the game went to extra time, you say to Lindsay, "Do you think they're going to come and keep an eye on the score here?" Yeah, we watched 90 minutes but we're not going to watch the overtime. Right. So the game ends in disappointing fashion but we put on our game faces because goddammit, we have a wedding to attend.

Brief aside: My cousin Amy was by far the LeBron James in the "Barbara Simmons' Grandchildren Wedding" Fantasy Draft, but there's a sharp dropoff after that. Who could possibly be the number 2 pick? It's a real conundrum. I'd have to say that the safe pick would be Jon or Emily because they're quickly approaching 30 and everyone knows that your life pretty much ends at 30, so why not get married? On the other hand, you may want to take Big Slick with the number 2 spot, not that I'm anywhere close to that point but because, well, I do some pretty stupid/hilarious things when I drink and unfortunately I can't completely rule out the possibility that I'd get drunk married. I'm just saying . . . the two spot is wide open.

Back to the wedding. We pull up to the address listed via the help of Garmin, and we're at a high school or something that looks like Ludlow High before it was renovated and shit. The name of the place we were going was "Searles Castle" so we're a little confused. After navigating our way through the maze and crossing the moat, we find some parking. Yay! Then the limo from the wedding pulls next to us and the driver asks if we want a ride up. "Is it far?" we ask. "Far enough that you don't want to walk." Fuck yeah, free ride in a limo. I feel fancy. We get to the top, mingle in the crowd like we've been there the whole time. "Beautiful ceremony." Can't go wrong right? The rest of the wedding was pretty much what you'd expect, with 4 events worth mentioning.

1. My grandfather, for reasons that escape normal human comprehension, thought it was appropriate to carry a small comb with him and occasionally stick it above his lip to form a Hitler mustache and give the Nazi salute. I was a little buzzed so I thought it was hysterical, but I don't think that's socially acceptable.
2. My grandmother was talking to a guy that grew up on the same street and I guess he's still pretty close friends with my Uncle Bob. She turns to me and says, "Billy, this is Charlie Tarvell, he was one of your uncle's best friends growing up." So, being the polite young man I am, I introduce myself. At this point my grandmother disappears and the guy says to me, "Man, your mother saved me from going to prison for 20 years. She's a fucking saint." He then turns, and walks away. So . . . um yeah, that happened.
3. Same guy, nicknamed "Slim Shady" by Matt for wearing his sunglasses on the dance floor even though it was like 10 and the wedding was outside, dominated the floor for 4 hours without stopping. Dude was a white dancing machine.
4. Real fat girl with a tramp stamp. Matt says, "That's not a tramp stamp, that's a tramp postcard."

That was my main story, now here are some other things.

Nothing makes me angrier than people that make a facebook account for two people. Like Rich-Laura Buttfucker. Holy shit. It's fucking facebook. It doesn't cost you anything. Either make two separate accounts or just use one of your names. "Well, I'm friends with Rich but I'm not really that close with Laura. Oh what's that? It's both of them together? Well then, I'm going to accept that friend request." Stupid fucking morons. I don't understand it. What could you possibly gain by having both of your names there? Am I supposed to be impressed that the two of you are so happy together that you feel the need to only have one account? Go fuck yourselves. I feel safe in assuming that if you have one of these two name profiles that you are in your 30's and as I've already pointed out, your lives are already over. However, if you are that old you probably should not be on facebook. As far as I can tell, facebook has 3 legitimate uses.
1. Most importantly, stalking girls you find attractive. Even if you don't. Every guy knows, and every girl should know by now, that a guy will check out a girl no matter what. NO. MATTER. WHAT. It's hardwired into our DNA or some shit, I'm not a fucking scientist. Facebook stalking. Legitimate use # 1.
2. Making sarcastic comments on people's status updates and liking things that probably shouldn't be liked. For example, today I liked Lindsay Gauthier's status when it said a kindergartener called her a bitch. Should I have liked it? It's a tough call but still, legitimate use #2.
3. Keeping contact with people that you know, but probably don't like that much. For example, I currently have 289 friends. Studies show that you can really only have like 150 people that you genuinely care about. Sorry 139 people, we can be facebook friends but we're not really friends.
So get off facebook you old fucks. You're distracting me from all the stalking I need to accomplish.

Now that my mandatory ranting is out of the way, I can regale you with my adventure to the bank. I went to the aforementioned bank to deposit some checks and to finally open my checking account. So I'm signing some paperwork, not really paying attention to what it says. I may have signed on to make a bukkake. I'm not sure. Whatever. So the lady's talking me through the steps of online bill pay because I guess I look like I'm retarded or something, and she casually asks me if I just graduated because I mentioned that while I was in school I wanted to keep all my money in that high interest savings account. Woohoo, 0.0045% interest. FREE MONEY! So naturally, I tell her yes, I just graduated in May. Then she hits me with, "Wonderful. Do you have any plans for college in the Fall?" Yeah bitch, to not go back. Now, I realized that I have these boyish good looks, but I didn't realize I would be mistaken for someone who's still waiting for their testicles to descend. She then tried to play it off as a compliment, but fuck that shit. Nobody who's 22 wants to hear they look like they're 18. Talk to me when I'm 30 and I look like I'm 23. That's a fucking compliment. Dumb bitch.

My final story involves some outdoor chores. Jon can be the man of the house when it comes to paying bills and stupid stuff like that. I'll be the man of the house when it comes to yardwork and killing spiders. That's right spiders! The reign of Jon the Meek has been replaced by the reign of Bill the Douche. I'M COMING FOR YOU!!! So I decided I was going to remove the weeds from our back patio and around our trees in the front yard. Holy shit. I didn't realize Chuck's house was built on a fucking rainforest. It looked like I had ass-raped a jungle when I was done. Being the thinking man I am, I decided to grab the claw garden tool I stole from my mom's house and twist up the roots I couldn't pull out of the ground. Fuck you roots. You're on notice too. Upon doing so, I noticed a small hornets' nest on one of the cross beams. Deciding that our family didn't need another hornet catastrophe, I went over to the hardware store to grab some hornet blasting shit and some weed killer. It's nice to live close to civilization. Center Street is like 8 hours away from anything useful. Back at the house I quickly learned that hornets do not like being sprayed with my white foam. After that, I gave the perimeter a dousing with weed killer. Tomorrow morning will tell if it worked/I did a a good job applying it. I'll be sure to keep you updated on this thrilling adventure.

That's right Jon. I just shattered the record for longest blog post. Suck on that Frenchie.

-Slick

The World Cup: One Week Down

Assuming you aren't one of those people who ignores soccer for whatever foolish reason you have decided on, you may have noticed that the World Cup is currently occurring. I've watched the majority of the games because there isn't a whole lot else on at 7:30am, 10:00am or 2:30pm and I actually enjoy watching soccer games. If you are already thinking that soccer is boring because there aren't enough goals, you don't know enough about the game so it's time for you to stop reading. Don't worry; I'll probably be writing something else soon enough that may be more your style. For the rest of you, here are some random thoughts that you may enjoy.

The corner flag goal celebration is getting played out. It's like dunking over the uprights in (American) football. It was cool the first dozen times. Then it was like "ok, I've seen that before." Now I just think no one can think of anything better to do. I think the soccer players should take some ideas from the NFL. Maybe grab the ball out of the goal, throw it up in the air like a grenade and have the whole team fall down when it lands? Better yet, call up T.O. or Ochocinco and have them choreograph some routines for you. T.O. is definitely free as far as ESPN last reported. He could use the work.

I can't tell whether HD is good or bad for soccer. For instance, Franck Ribéry is definitely not benefitting from the high-definition. However, he's an internationally famous soccer star, so he can pretty much guarantee he's going home with a ladyfriend after the game. On the other hand, watching sports in low-definition is a terrible punishment that no one should inflict on themselves. That means that having soccer in HD makes it more palatable to the masses. I suppose more research is necessary here, but that violates the principles of the site.

If you are watching the games, be sure to pay extra attention to the slow-motion instant replays of all the fouls and "fouls." The faces these guys make are priceless. It looks like they are having one of those ugly-face contests you have as a kid. What? You didn't do that? Uh, me neither, I was just speaking in generalities. My personal favorites are the guys who go down like someone stabbed them in the Achilles tendon, but then you watch the replay and see that they were already going down before anyone even got near them. After watching some of the Celtics/Lakers games, I was already tired of all the flopping. And now I've got the Portugal team as the World Cup equivalent of the Lakers. You lost the ball? Fall down or complain. Or both! Missed a shot? Act like you got hit. Guy got by you? Grab his shirt! Which team am I talking about right now, the Lakers or Portugal? You can't even tell! When the announcers make a point of talking about your reputation for being a flopper (Christiano Ronaldo and Derek Fisher, I'm looking at you), it might be time to give up the act.

Why are 90% of the crosses players are making either struck like they're trying to hurt someone (and thus land 10 yards past any of their teammates) or hit so soft that they only make it a quarter of the way there? Every game you see [Random Winger] carry the ball down the sideline, set up for a cross, and then send it all the way across the field into the stands. I haven't played soccer for a while, but I am pretty sure that you can only score when the ball is on the field. If your job is to play soccer, you should practice the crossing part of that job as that is where many of the goals come from. At least put the ball near the net! Give your teammate a chance to score so he can practice his new post-goal dance routine!! He didn't pay T.O. $30,000 for you to send crosses into the vuvuzela section.

How bad did the USA get screwed in that Slovenia game? That disallowed goal was embarrassing to me as a fellow official. In the replays I saw, there were 2 USA players being held from behind like they were the new guys in prison and a 3rd in a pretty effective headlock, yet the whistle went against them for some phantom infraction. I suspect that the referee's first World Cup match may also be his last.

I am sure I'll have some more stuff to talk about next week as the group stage wraps up and teams start getting desperate for goals. Try not to get too excited for it. I'm also working on another rant about commercials, so you know that's going to be good.

-Jon

Wings is. . .

an almost-great restaurant and apparently the unofficial sponsor of my family's Celtic-watching.

Just so everyone is on the same page, I am talking about the chain of restaurants that started off providing delicious chicken wings and boneless "wings" to drunken college kids before branching out to the rest of society and not Paul McCartney's band or Quagmire's favorite TV program about the crazy shenanigans at an airport. Everybody clear? Good.

Since anyone that's ever had them agrees that the wings are good, we can skip that part of the post and go straight to a more detailed, wing-by-wing analysis. Mostly because I like making lists, and I am on a bullet-point kick right now. And away we go.

• Buffalo - This flavor comes in 5 levels of hotness which range from "Sissy Bitch" to "Hey, Where Did My Taste-buds Go?" Ok, these are not the actual flavors, but they're close enough. I usually end up with either level 2 or 3 because the people I am generally with are not as big fans of spiciness as I am. I think I've gotten level 4 once, and it was pretty spicy, so I have to assume that the level 5 is super-hot. Maybe it will get its own post whenever I get around to trying it. I think Buffalo is some good stuff, and it can even be reheated the next day without losing its quality.
• Bar-B-Que - These are alright, but why bother getting boring old regular Bar-B-Que when you can get. . .
• Honey Bar-B-Que - These are almost everyone's favorites. People love this one, probably because it is super-delicious. It's definitely one of the top 3 on the menu. Any time you are going to get an order from this place, do yourself a favor and get half the order of this flavor so that people won't be disappointed when they run out first.
• Golden Bar-B-Que - Pass. This is supposed to be a mustard-based BBQ sauce, but it just doesn't get the job done. Save yourself the sadness and skip it.
• Kicken Bar-B-Que - I will have to plead ignorance on this one, because I have not tried it yet. The menu says it's BBQ with a little hot sauce mixed in, so it's probably really good. Next time I have the duty of ordering, a little of this is getting put into the mix.
• Cajun Bar-B-Que - Wow, this place has a lot of BBQ options. I love the cajun spices on these wings, and generally insist on having these on the order. They also reheat deliciously, which means you can order a ridiculously huge amount and eat them for the rest of the weekend! It's like an investment in taste that pays continual dividends. These are probably my favorite.
• Honey Mustard - These wings are the food equivalent of a two-face. The first night you get them, they are pretty good. Not great, but good enough to take up a small spot on the order roster. However, upon refrigeration, they go from good to bad. Once you reheat them, they are borderline terrible. I don't know what goes wrong here, but make sure you eat all the wings on the first night so you won't be forced to subject yourself to their deception.
• Teriyaki - I have only had these once, and given the opportunity, I would take a time machine and redo that night. Skip these and go for something better.
• Spicy Teriyaki - Can't comment, as I haven't tried them. I don't think I could justify wasting a pound of my order on these based on my Teriyaki experience.
• Cajun Teriyaki - Ok, well-played Wings. You obviously really want me to give the Teriyaki family another chance. I have just been hurt so badly by them that I don't know if I can trust again. I hope we can remain friends. Obviously I haven't had these ones either, but they have some promise. Perhaps someday I will add them into the rotation.
• Garlic Parmesan - I don't know how something that sounds so delicious can end up so badly. These wings just suck. They are way too dry and the flavor is seriously lacking. There were so many left over when we ordered these that I used them in a pasta dish the next night just to get them out of the fridge. It is one of my most painful wing-based memories.
• Jamaican Jerk - The only time I have ever had these, I had been drinking somewhat heavily previously and can't really remember much. I do remember thinking that they were ok and that I should try them again sometime when I was a bit more sober. I will have to get on that.
• Cajun Blackened - This is very similar to the Cajun BBQ, but with a little more blackening. My preference is the BBQ ones because these ones are just not quite as flavorful. They aren't bad though, so you can feel safe putting these in your order.
• West Texas Mesquite - These are strange wings. Chris is a big fan, but I thought they were pretty average. But then when I reheated them the next day, they were pretty good. It was a very strange occurrence. I believe these are the only wings on the menu that you should order, not eat, and then eat the next day. It is probably going to be very difficult to get people to go along with that plan though.
• Hot Garlic - The menu has no description of these, and I have never tried them. That means I have to make something up here. Uhh, these wings are probably spicy and garlicky, so you can decide whether that would be appealing to you. Sorry to have let you down.
• Mustang Ranch - It's made with bits of real mustang, so you know it's good! That's probably not true at all, but I just like saying it. I have never had these, but that is only because I don't like ranch flavor, so there is a low probability that I would care for these. Apparently I am in the minority though, because everyone else seems to love ranch with the fierce love a parent has for their child. So maybe you would like them. Weirdo.
• Sweet Onion Bar-B-Que - Thought we were done with the BBQ, didn't you? I don't know why this one is segregated from the rest of the BBQ family, but it's a family favorite. Not me so much, but the rest of the family. It doesn't seem too different from the Honey BBQ, but it does contain more onion. That would be a plus. I need to give them another try, but with a more open mind. Next time I will do that.
• Sweet and Sour - The end of the menu, and it goes out not with a bang, but with a whimper. I haven't had these, so I will have to withhold judgment. Maybe they're good. Maybe they aren't. Maybe YOU should try them and tell me. Why should I be the one doing all the work while you vultures reap all the benefits?

So there you have it. They've got a nice variety here, so there should be something that you like. Unless you're a vegetarian, in which case a place that serves almost exclusively chicken it probably not a place you're going to frequent.

You may wonder why the restaurant is only almost-great and not great. There are 2 reasons for this. The first is that they are constantly screwing up the orders. Maybe your fries will be missing, maybe you will order fries and onion rings but get double fries instead. Maybe they say your food will be ready in 30 minutes, but they really mean 50 minutes because they use a different minute system than the rest of the world. The point is that every order is an adventure, and I don't care for that. The other reason is that wing purists will claim that boneless wings are not actually wings, and they are probably right. They have actual chicken wings there, but everyone I know opts for the boneless ones instead because it is much less of a mess.

We can get together over a Zeppelin (the 6-lb wing monster they have) and discuss the finer points of wing consumption if you'd like. It turns out that I have a lot of free time now.

-Jon

Alexi Lalas is . . . (version 2)

definitely a daywalker douchebag. Why are you so smug you ginger bitch? Go fuck yourself.

-Slick

Alexi Lalas is . . .

kind of a huge douchebag.

-Slick

Old School vs. Nu Skool: The Remix

Inspired by the critical acclaim of my last Old School/Nu Skool, Big Slick is coming back at you with a second. I know, you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation. "What is Slick going to compare this time?" If you guessed movies, then you're one for one. Feel free to give yourself 5 Schrute Bucks as a reward. Or 100 Stanley Nickels. Whichever one has a stronger exchange rate. In terms of how I'm breaking this down, I'll use the year 2000 as a rough dividing line. But like most things in my life, I'm really not thinking ahead that much. 77 King Street will not be known as a house of great planners as evidenced by Shotapalooza II which was legen . . . wait for it . . .

Visuals
This category is tougher than you'd expect. Wait, that's not the right word. I meant easier. Easier than you'd expect. Kind of like 8th grade girls . . . I mean . . . that's what I've heard. (Disclaimer: the author of this post has not pulled a "Ben Roethlisberger" on anyone, although, I have heard that 23 no's and a yes means yes so . . . ) Nevertheless, Nu Skool is taking this category in a landslide. For instance, I watched Mission: Impossible for the first time tonight. Holy shit do those special effects look shitty. On the other hand, I watched Avatar last week and even if you're a sneaky shapeshifter you have to admit that that movie looked fantastic. Was it a great movie? No probably not, but it looked so pretty. Or, compare the Terminator movies. Terminator: Salvation had a CGI Arnold Schwareaazmengeger whereas one of the other ones had a claymation Arnold. Now, I haven't actually seen any other Terminator movie, but I'm can say with 100% certainty that the visuals in Salvation were better. Like we said, this blog is over opinionated and under researched.

Advantage: Nu Skool

Likelihood of Sucking
Ah yes, the old "were I to take a random movie from this period, what's the likelihood it sucked?" Difficult question to answer, but as always, I'm not afraid to say something stupid. I'm going to guess that Old School wins this category and here's why: most movies now suck. Even movies that shouldn't. Spiderman movies? All garbage. X-Men movies, garbage. Transformers, basura. That's Spanish for garbage. I have no way to prove this, but it seems like most studios are hellbent on turning out shitty movies like Twilight and other stupid shit rather than make a good movie. If you like Twilight, you're a fucking moron. I'll say it. Vampires aren't sexy. They're a bunch of bloodsucking faggots. If you try to tell me that Twilight is not a complete piece of shit I'm going to kick you in the balls, but seeing as how you probably don't have balls if you read Twilight (unless you're my cousin Big Nate) I'm going to kick you in the lady balls. Fuck Twilight. Alright, so like I said, I'm guessing Old School had plenty of shitty movies but Nu Skool must have more. Fuck it. You don't really care. You just read this blog because you have nothing better to do.

Arbitrary Scoring: Old School.

Lasting Appeal: Probably the most difficult question to answer. Now, Nu Skool offers up classics like the Prestige, and Man on Fire, Batman Begins, and a Knight's Tale among others. On the other hand, Old School throws some gems like the Mighty Ducks (You cut a deal with peewee hockey league!?!?!?!?!), D2: Mighty Ducks (why were they playing a bunch of 30 year olds at the junior goodwill games?), Aladdin and the Lion King and other animated adventures that remind us of a simpler time when little kids weren't complete assholes. Well, unless you had Jon as a brother. But he loves me now so it's all good. Yay roomies!!!!!!! Look out for my newest blog "MMMMFrequentlySidetrackedWriting" launching sometime this summer. So in terms of lasting appeal, it's a tough call. But then I realized that Fargo was considered one of the best movies of 1996 and well, I just can't sit here and accept that. Yeah, there was a sick woodchipper scene at the end but otherwise I couldn't be less interested in what happens in that movie. Also, I use the word "well" frequently. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sleepy so I'm going to wrap this badboy up and claim that Nu Skool is taking this category as well as the debate.

Did you see what I did? I didn't put The Dark Knight. Give yourself 2 gold stars if you caught that.

. . . dary.

-Slick

Reality Television is. . .

just terrible, and pretty much anything but "reality." Pick any reality TV program and really think about whether or not it's realistic. Putting a bunch of fat people in a house together? I don't think so. It would be a constant fight over who's going grocery shopping and then eventually result in them all eating the first person to die of starvation. Having 7 random people move in together to see if shit gets real? Not even in college. There is no situation where this would happen in real reality. Having one guy date 25 girls at the same time? Maybe in his dreams. Steve tried that with way less girls and it was a disaster. You see where this is going?

Why are they even called "reality shows"? Because they involve "real" people? I am pretty sure actors are real people too. Just because they play characters, that makes it somehow different than these other people who "play" themselves even though I have to assume most of them are completely different in real life as they would have been murdered long ago in what would later be ruled as justifiable homicide due to their incessant annoying behavior and general jackassery. Well, that's stupid.

I consider the following things actual reality*: cooking shows, sports, the news, and most of the History Channel. Except that last one is tainted by the fact that history is written by the winners, but that's the way it goes. Obviously cooking shows are reality as I have cooked food from them and really been able to eat it. Sports are reality. There aren't second takes there. The news should be reality be default, minus the special interest stories that are just lame. And that's pretty much it. Maybe we can include the stuff on HGTV, but I can't say for sure. The rest of "reality television" should be called "look at these morons television."

This may be a definitive list of the characteristics that will qualify you for a reality TV program.

• Being a whore/man-whore (see: Bachelor/Bachelorette, Real World, Jersey Shore, Laguna Beach, The Hills)
• Boob-job (see: Bachelor, Real World, Jersey Shore, Laguna Beach, The Hills)
• Being incredibly annoying (see: Real World, Survivor, Laguna Beach, The Hills)
• Having a questionable talent (see: American Idol, [somewhere's] Got Talent)
• Having an IQ < 80 (see: every "reality" program)

That's it. If you fit into at least one of these categories, you could be the next Survivor. And if you are lucky enough to be in all 5 categories, you probably should get a show of your own. Then for $10,000, I'll make a guest appearance on your program to show my love of money and willingness to sell out. Turns out that I'm a man-whore for loot. Where's my TV contract?

-Jon

*This list may be updated if I think of other things, and it will be reflected in the comments.

Major League Baseball . . .

can suck my left or right testicle. But not both. Unless the Red Sox are playing I don't give two shits about baseball. Maybe if the Yankees are losing I'll care, but even then there's still like 162 games so I don't give a fuck. But, in a rare occurrence, last night I cared about baseball and neither the Red Sox or the Yankees were playing, and that's because there was the opportunity of a perfect game. Well, that is until that Jim Joyce, aka "Stupid Jew" according to his wikipedia page (now closed due to vandalism) decided that he was going to suck at the one thing he has to do during a game. Seriously, I can't think of any other profession where individuals can constantly screw up and face no punishment. All you have to do is decide whether someone is out or safe . . . it's NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. But since MLB is determined not to embrace technology, and instead would rather buttfuck themselves with all of their tradition, we don't have instant replay so we can't correct a blatant mistake when some fucknut over at first base makes the wrong call. It's fucking absurd. I remember a couple years ago when they introduced the home run replay the argument against expanding replay was because they didn't want to take out the human element of the game. You know what the human element in baseball is . . . IT'S THE FUCKING PLAYERS BECAUSE THEY'RE GODDAMN FUCKING HUMANS. The umpire isn't there to guess what happened. He's there to tell you what fucking happened. If he gets it wrong, then go fucking fix it. Baseball already takes like 9 incredibly boring fucking hours. It took me less than 4 seconds to tell you that the guy was out. Doesn't seem too difficult to me. Sweet sassy molassy. Then Bud Selig decides that they're not going to overturn the call because . . . well I don't fucking know because I didn't read the article because I knew it was going to make me mad. I understand not overturning every blown call because well, I don't think anybody fucking cares. But when a umpire admittedly blew the call that would have given someone a perfect game, you may want to make an exception. Stupid fucktards.

In a related story, I went to Evan's baseball game tonight. I may be slightly biased, but Evan is the Roy Halladay of the Ludlow 8-10 baseball league. Kid had 5 strikeouts in two innings. That was the exciting part. It was not exciting to watch the opposing pitcher walk, and I'm not exaggerating, at least 20 guys. It was painful to watch . . . which is why I left early. I'm not there to watch someone else's kid throw 120 balls and 9 strikes. I'm there to watch my brother because he's got nasty movement on his fastball. It's so frustrating to watch a kid score from second because the catcher bombed the throw into the outfield after trying to catch him stealing. If it happens again I may start swearing at 8 year olds, and that just wouldn't be nice. And everybody knows I'm a really nice person when I'm not being a huge douche.

-Slick