Old School vs. Nu Skool: The Remix

Inspired by the critical acclaim of my last Old School/Nu Skool, Big Slick is coming back at you with a second. I know, you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation. "What is Slick going to compare this time?" If you guessed movies, then you're one for one. Feel free to give yourself 5 Schrute Bucks as a reward. Or 100 Stanley Nickels. Whichever one has a stronger exchange rate. In terms of how I'm breaking this down, I'll use the year 2000 as a rough dividing line. But like most things in my life, I'm really not thinking ahead that much. 77 King Street will not be known as a house of great planners as evidenced by Shotapalooza II which was legen . . . wait for it . . .

Visuals
This category is tougher than you'd expect. Wait, that's not the right word. I meant easier. Easier than you'd expect. Kind of like 8th grade girls . . . I mean . . . that's what I've heard. (Disclaimer: the author of this post has not pulled a "Ben Roethlisberger" on anyone, although, I have heard that 23 no's and a yes means yes so . . . ) Nevertheless, Nu Skool is taking this category in a landslide. For instance, I watched Mission: Impossible for the first time tonight. Holy shit do those special effects look shitty. On the other hand, I watched Avatar last week and even if you're a sneaky shapeshifter you have to admit that that movie looked fantastic. Was it a great movie? No probably not, but it looked so pretty. Or, compare the Terminator movies. Terminator: Salvation had a CGI Arnold Schwareaazmengeger whereas one of the other ones had a claymation Arnold. Now, I haven't actually seen any other Terminator movie, but I'm can say with 100% certainty that the visuals in Salvation were better. Like we said, this blog is over opinionated and under researched.

Advantage: Nu Skool

Likelihood of Sucking
Ah yes, the old "were I to take a random movie from this period, what's the likelihood it sucked?" Difficult question to answer, but as always, I'm not afraid to say something stupid. I'm going to guess that Old School wins this category and here's why: most movies now suck. Even movies that shouldn't. Spiderman movies? All garbage. X-Men movies, garbage. Transformers, basura. That's Spanish for garbage. I have no way to prove this, but it seems like most studios are hellbent on turning out shitty movies like Twilight and other stupid shit rather than make a good movie. If you like Twilight, you're a fucking moron. I'll say it. Vampires aren't sexy. They're a bunch of bloodsucking faggots. If you try to tell me that Twilight is not a complete piece of shit I'm going to kick you in the balls, but seeing as how you probably don't have balls if you read Twilight (unless you're my cousin Big Nate) I'm going to kick you in the lady balls. Fuck Twilight. Alright, so like I said, I'm guessing Old School had plenty of shitty movies but Nu Skool must have more. Fuck it. You don't really care. You just read this blog because you have nothing better to do.

Arbitrary Scoring: Old School.

Lasting Appeal: Probably the most difficult question to answer. Now, Nu Skool offers up classics like the Prestige, and Man on Fire, Batman Begins, and a Knight's Tale among others. On the other hand, Old School throws some gems like the Mighty Ducks (You cut a deal with peewee hockey league!?!?!?!?!), D2: Mighty Ducks (why were they playing a bunch of 30 year olds at the junior goodwill games?), Aladdin and the Lion King and other animated adventures that remind us of a simpler time when little kids weren't complete assholes. Well, unless you had Jon as a brother. But he loves me now so it's all good. Yay roomies!!!!!!! Look out for my newest blog "MMMMFrequentlySidetrackedWriting" launching sometime this summer. So in terms of lasting appeal, it's a tough call. But then I realized that Fargo was considered one of the best movies of 1996 and well, I just can't sit here and accept that. Yeah, there was a sick woodchipper scene at the end but otherwise I couldn't be less interested in what happens in that movie. Also, I use the word "well" frequently. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sleepy so I'm going to wrap this badboy up and claim that Nu Skool is taking this category as well as the debate.

Did you see what I did? I didn't put The Dark Knight. Give yourself 2 gold stars if you caught that.

. . . dary.

-Slick