Wings is. . .

an almost-great restaurant and apparently the unofficial sponsor of my family's Celtic-watching.

Just so everyone is on the same page, I am talking about the chain of restaurants that started off providing delicious chicken wings and boneless "wings" to drunken college kids before branching out to the rest of society and not Paul McCartney's band or Quagmire's favorite TV program about the crazy shenanigans at an airport. Everybody clear? Good.

Since anyone that's ever had them agrees that the wings are good, we can skip that part of the post and go straight to a more detailed, wing-by-wing analysis. Mostly because I like making lists, and I am on a bullet-point kick right now. And away we go.

• Buffalo - This flavor comes in 5 levels of hotness which range from "Sissy Bitch" to "Hey, Where Did My Taste-buds Go?" Ok, these are not the actual flavors, but they're close enough. I usually end up with either level 2 or 3 because the people I am generally with are not as big fans of spiciness as I am. I think I've gotten level 4 once, and it was pretty spicy, so I have to assume that the level 5 is super-hot. Maybe it will get its own post whenever I get around to trying it. I think Buffalo is some good stuff, and it can even be reheated the next day without losing its quality.
• Bar-B-Que - These are alright, but why bother getting boring old regular Bar-B-Que when you can get. . .
• Honey Bar-B-Que - These are almost everyone's favorites. People love this one, probably because it is super-delicious. It's definitely one of the top 3 on the menu. Any time you are going to get an order from this place, do yourself a favor and get half the order of this flavor so that people won't be disappointed when they run out first.
• Golden Bar-B-Que - Pass. This is supposed to be a mustard-based BBQ sauce, but it just doesn't get the job done. Save yourself the sadness and skip it.
• Kicken Bar-B-Que - I will have to plead ignorance on this one, because I have not tried it yet. The menu says it's BBQ with a little hot sauce mixed in, so it's probably really good. Next time I have the duty of ordering, a little of this is getting put into the mix.
• Cajun Bar-B-Que - Wow, this place has a lot of BBQ options. I love the cajun spices on these wings, and generally insist on having these on the order. They also reheat deliciously, which means you can order a ridiculously huge amount and eat them for the rest of the weekend! It's like an investment in taste that pays continual dividends. These are probably my favorite.
• Honey Mustard - These wings are the food equivalent of a two-face. The first night you get them, they are pretty good. Not great, but good enough to take up a small spot on the order roster. However, upon refrigeration, they go from good to bad. Once you reheat them, they are borderline terrible. I don't know what goes wrong here, but make sure you eat all the wings on the first night so you won't be forced to subject yourself to their deception.
• Teriyaki - I have only had these once, and given the opportunity, I would take a time machine and redo that night. Skip these and go for something better.
• Spicy Teriyaki - Can't comment, as I haven't tried them. I don't think I could justify wasting a pound of my order on these based on my Teriyaki experience.
• Cajun Teriyaki - Ok, well-played Wings. You obviously really want me to give the Teriyaki family another chance. I have just been hurt so badly by them that I don't know if I can trust again. I hope we can remain friends. Obviously I haven't had these ones either, but they have some promise. Perhaps someday I will add them into the rotation.
• Garlic Parmesan - I don't know how something that sounds so delicious can end up so badly. These wings just suck. They are way too dry and the flavor is seriously lacking. There were so many left over when we ordered these that I used them in a pasta dish the next night just to get them out of the fridge. It is one of my most painful wing-based memories.
• Jamaican Jerk - The only time I have ever had these, I had been drinking somewhat heavily previously and can't really remember much. I do remember thinking that they were ok and that I should try them again sometime when I was a bit more sober. I will have to get on that.
• Cajun Blackened - This is very similar to the Cajun BBQ, but with a little more blackening. My preference is the BBQ ones because these ones are just not quite as flavorful. They aren't bad though, so you can feel safe putting these in your order.
• West Texas Mesquite - These are strange wings. Chris is a big fan, but I thought they were pretty average. But then when I reheated them the next day, they were pretty good. It was a very strange occurrence. I believe these are the only wings on the menu that you should order, not eat, and then eat the next day. It is probably going to be very difficult to get people to go along with that plan though.
• Hot Garlic - The menu has no description of these, and I have never tried them. That means I have to make something up here. Uhh, these wings are probably spicy and garlicky, so you can decide whether that would be appealing to you. Sorry to have let you down.
• Mustang Ranch - It's made with bits of real mustang, so you know it's good! That's probably not true at all, but I just like saying it. I have never had these, but that is only because I don't like ranch flavor, so there is a low probability that I would care for these. Apparently I am in the minority though, because everyone else seems to love ranch with the fierce love a parent has for their child. So maybe you would like them. Weirdo.
• Sweet Onion Bar-B-Que - Thought we were done with the BBQ, didn't you? I don't know why this one is segregated from the rest of the BBQ family, but it's a family favorite. Not me so much, but the rest of the family. It doesn't seem too different from the Honey BBQ, but it does contain more onion. That would be a plus. I need to give them another try, but with a more open mind. Next time I will do that.
• Sweet and Sour - The end of the menu, and it goes out not with a bang, but with a whimper. I haven't had these, so I will have to withhold judgment. Maybe they're good. Maybe they aren't. Maybe YOU should try them and tell me. Why should I be the one doing all the work while you vultures reap all the benefits?

So there you have it. They've got a nice variety here, so there should be something that you like. Unless you're a vegetarian, in which case a place that serves almost exclusively chicken it probably not a place you're going to frequent.

You may wonder why the restaurant is only almost-great and not great. There are 2 reasons for this. The first is that they are constantly screwing up the orders. Maybe your fries will be missing, maybe you will order fries and onion rings but get double fries instead. Maybe they say your food will be ready in 30 minutes, but they really mean 50 minutes because they use a different minute system than the rest of the world. The point is that every order is an adventure, and I don't care for that. The other reason is that wing purists will claim that boneless wings are not actually wings, and they are probably right. They have actual chicken wings there, but everyone I know opts for the boneless ones instead because it is much less of a mess.

We can get together over a Zeppelin (the 6-lb wing monster they have) and discuss the finer points of wing consumption if you'd like. It turns out that I have a lot of free time now.

-Jon