Reality Television is. . .

just terrible, and pretty much anything but "reality." Pick any reality TV program and really think about whether or not it's realistic. Putting a bunch of fat people in a house together? I don't think so. It would be a constant fight over who's going grocery shopping and then eventually result in them all eating the first person to die of starvation. Having 7 random people move in together to see if shit gets real? Not even in college. There is no situation where this would happen in real reality. Having one guy date 25 girls at the same time? Maybe in his dreams. Steve tried that with way less girls and it was a disaster. You see where this is going?

Why are they even called "reality shows"? Because they involve "real" people? I am pretty sure actors are real people too. Just because they play characters, that makes it somehow different than these other people who "play" themselves even though I have to assume most of them are completely different in real life as they would have been murdered long ago in what would later be ruled as justifiable homicide due to their incessant annoying behavior and general jackassery. Well, that's stupid.

I consider the following things actual reality*: cooking shows, sports, the news, and most of the History Channel. Except that last one is tainted by the fact that history is written by the winners, but that's the way it goes. Obviously cooking shows are reality as I have cooked food from them and really been able to eat it. Sports are reality. There aren't second takes there. The news should be reality be default, minus the special interest stories that are just lame. And that's pretty much it. Maybe we can include the stuff on HGTV, but I can't say for sure. The rest of "reality television" should be called "look at these morons television."

This may be a definitive list of the characteristics that will qualify you for a reality TV program.

• Being a whore/man-whore (see: Bachelor/Bachelorette, Real World, Jersey Shore, Laguna Beach, The Hills)
• Boob-job (see: Bachelor, Real World, Jersey Shore, Laguna Beach, The Hills)
• Being incredibly annoying (see: Real World, Survivor, Laguna Beach, The Hills)
• Having a questionable talent (see: American Idol, [somewhere's] Got Talent)
• Having an IQ < 80 (see: every "reality" program)

That's it. If you fit into at least one of these categories, you could be the next Survivor. And if you are lucky enough to be in all 5 categories, you probably should get a show of your own. Then for $10,000, I'll make a guest appearance on your program to show my love of money and willingness to sell out. Turns out that I'm a man-whore for loot. Where's my TV contract?

-Jon

*This list may be updated if I think of other things, and it will be reflected in the comments.