Major League Baseball . . .

can suck my left or right testicle. But not both. Unless the Red Sox are playing I don't give two shits about baseball. Maybe if the Yankees are losing I'll care, but even then there's still like 162 games so I don't give a fuck. But, in a rare occurrence, last night I cared about baseball and neither the Red Sox or the Yankees were playing, and that's because there was the opportunity of a perfect game. Well, that is until that Jim Joyce, aka "Stupid Jew" according to his wikipedia page (now closed due to vandalism) decided that he was going to suck at the one thing he has to do during a game. Seriously, I can't think of any other profession where individuals can constantly screw up and face no punishment. All you have to do is decide whether someone is out or safe . . . it's NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. But since MLB is determined not to embrace technology, and instead would rather buttfuck themselves with all of their tradition, we don't have instant replay so we can't correct a blatant mistake when some fucknut over at first base makes the wrong call. It's fucking absurd. I remember a couple years ago when they introduced the home run replay the argument against expanding replay was because they didn't want to take out the human element of the game. You know what the human element in baseball is . . . IT'S THE FUCKING PLAYERS BECAUSE THEY'RE GODDAMN FUCKING HUMANS. The umpire isn't there to guess what happened. He's there to tell you what fucking happened. If he gets it wrong, then go fucking fix it. Baseball already takes like 9 incredibly boring fucking hours. It took me less than 4 seconds to tell you that the guy was out. Doesn't seem too difficult to me. Sweet sassy molassy. Then Bud Selig decides that they're not going to overturn the call because . . . well I don't fucking know because I didn't read the article because I knew it was going to make me mad. I understand not overturning every blown call because well, I don't think anybody fucking cares. But when a umpire admittedly blew the call that would have given someone a perfect game, you may want to make an exception. Stupid fucktards.

In a related story, I went to Evan's baseball game tonight. I may be slightly biased, but Evan is the Roy Halladay of the Ludlow 8-10 baseball league. Kid had 5 strikeouts in two innings. That was the exciting part. It was not exciting to watch the opposing pitcher walk, and I'm not exaggerating, at least 20 guys. It was painful to watch . . . which is why I left early. I'm not there to watch someone else's kid throw 120 balls and 9 strikes. I'm there to watch my brother because he's got nasty movement on his fastball. It's so frustrating to watch a kid score from second because the catcher bombed the throw into the outfield after trying to catch him stealing. If it happens again I may start swearing at 8 year olds, and that just wouldn't be nice. And everybody knows I'm a really nice person when I'm not being a huge douche.

-Slick