Friday, June 18, 2010

The World Cup: One Week Down

Assuming you aren't one of those people who ignores soccer for whatever foolish reason you have decided on, you may have noticed that the World Cup is currently occurring. I've watched the majority of the games because there isn't a whole lot else on at 7:30am, 10:00am or 2:30pm and I actually enjoy watching soccer games. If you are already thinking that soccer is boring because there aren't enough goals, you don't know enough about the game so it's time for you to stop reading. Don't worry; I'll probably be writing something else soon enough that may be more your style. For the rest of you, here are some random thoughts that you may enjoy.

The corner flag goal celebration is getting played out. It's like dunking over the uprights in (American) football. It was cool the first dozen times. Then it was like "ok, I've seen that before." Now I just think no one can think of anything better to do. I think the soccer players should take some ideas from the NFL. Maybe grab the ball out of the goal, throw it up in the air like a grenade and have the whole team fall down when it lands? Better yet, call up T.O. or Ochocinco and have them choreograph some routines for you. T.O. is definitely free as far as ESPN last reported. He could use the work.

I can't tell whether HD is good or bad for soccer. For instance, Franck Ribéry is definitely not benefitting from the high-definition. However, he's an internationally famous soccer star, so he can pretty much guarantee he's going home with a ladyfriend after the game. On the other hand, watching sports in low-definition is a terrible punishment that no one should inflict on themselves. That means that having soccer in HD makes it more palatable to the masses. I suppose more research is necessary here, but that violates the principles of the site.

If you are watching the games, be sure to pay extra attention to the slow-motion instant replays of all the fouls and "fouls." The faces these guys make are priceless. It looks like they are having one of those ugly-face contests you have as a kid. What? You didn't do that? Uh, me neither, I was just speaking in generalities. My personal favorites are the guys who go down like someone stabbed them in the Achilles tendon, but then you watch the replay and see that they were already going down before anyone even got near them. After watching some of the Celtics/Lakers games, I was already tired of all the flopping. And now I've got the Portugal team as the World Cup equivalent of the Lakers. You lost the ball? Fall down or complain. Or both! Missed a shot? Act like you got hit. Guy got by you? Grab his shirt! Which team am I talking about right now, the Lakers or Portugal? You can't even tell! When the announcers make a point of talking about your reputation for being a flopper (Christiano Ronaldo and Derek Fisher, I'm looking at you), it might be time to give up the act.

Why are 90% of the crosses players are making either struck like they're trying to hurt someone (and thus land 10 yards past any of their teammates) or hit so soft that they only make it a quarter of the way there? Every game you see [Random Winger] carry the ball down the sideline, set up for a cross, and then send it all the way across the field into the stands. I haven't played soccer for a while, but I am pretty sure that you can only score when the ball is on the field. If your job is to play soccer, you should practice the crossing part of that job as that is where many of the goals come from. At least put the ball near the net! Give your teammate a chance to score so he can practice his new post-goal dance routine!! He didn't pay T.O. $30,000 for you to send crosses into the vuvuzela section.

How bad did the USA get screwed in that Slovenia game? That disallowed goal was embarrassing to me as a fellow official. In the replays I saw, there were 2 USA players being held from behind like they were the new guys in prison and a 3rd in a pretty effective headlock, yet the whistle went against them for some phantom infraction. I suspect that the referee's first World Cup match may also be his last.

I am sure I'll have some more stuff to talk about next week as the group stage wraps up and teams start getting desperate for goals. Try not to get too excited for it. I'm also working on another rant about commercials, so you know that's going to be good.

-Jon

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