Shaving . . .

sucks. Yup, it's mmmmopinion's second blog on shaving since May. But mine doesn't have fancy charts, it only has my usual poorly written paragraphs. But I'm not just going to tell you that shaving sucks, I'm going to tell you why shaving sucks, or probably more specifically, why I suck at shaving. Chances are if you've seen me in the last year, I had some sort of hobo stubble on my face. And by chances, I mean there was a 100% chance. That's right. Ol' Slick went an entire year without shaving. "But Slick," you protest, "Why didn't you have some sort of crazy ZZ Top beard?" Well, that's because every so often I would use my trusty WAHL beard trimmer. (WAHL, only the finest in home grooming!) But I caved. I gave into the peer pressure. I finally shaved. And let me tell you . . . shaving sucks.

Before I begin to tell you why shaving sucks, and I'm sure you're on pins and needles, let me tell you why I stopped shaving. The easy answer would be because I'm lazy. And that's also the correct answer. But it's also because since I've graduated from college, on 3 separate occasions someone has asked me if I have plans for school. And after I tell them I've already graduated, they all have the same reaction, "Oh well, it's just because you look so young. That's a good thing." Really? Fuck you, bitch. You made a mistake, just live with it.

So that's the background, now the actual shaving part. And here's where my stupidity really shines. Seriously, I may be the dumbest smart kid you know OR the smartest dumb kid. Now, one would think that when using sharpened metal blades on one's face, they would be sure to take the necessary time to do it right and do it safely. Nope. Not me. If I could shave my face in 3.5 seconds I would certainly give it a try. I'm like Peter Griffin with his desk fan razor. I don't know why I try to rush it. I just do. "What, it's been like 2 minutes already? WHY DOES THIS TAKE SO LONG? GAAAAAAH!!!!" And as you would imagine, I usually end up cutting myself. But don't worry, the ladies like a little blood on the neck so it works out alright. And as you also might have imagined, trying to set a world speed record lends itself to a sloppy performance. I can't tell you the number of times I've shaved right before leaving my house, only to realize that I've missed a pretty sizeable spot somewhere on my jaw line. And then I have to spend the entire time until I get back to my house worrying whether or everyone can see how much of a moron I am.

So not only do I suck at shaving because I have the attention span of a pug, but shaving sucks because it always makes my beard grow in itchier. That's just really aggravating because itchy beard means I have to shave again. And then the retarded cycle repeats itself.

2 posts in one week? It's a 2011 Slick record.

-Slick

A Few TV Shows You Should Be Watching

Seriously, it's summer and all the "real" stuff isn't on the air anymore. Why not support some silly summer shows so that they won't get FlashForwarded on me? The pain of that show being canceled with so many unanswered questions still stings from time to time. Probably like chlamydia.

• Burn Notice - There are already a whole bunch of people watching this, but a bunch more can't hurt. This show's got humor, explosions, people shooting other people and an intriguing story that has kept my attention for the last 4+ seasons. It also has the main character pretending to be all sorts of people, usually with funny voices. Plus, if you don't already watch it, you can start from the beginning and not have the cliffhanger endings from a couple of the seasons. Those are rough.
  One thing about this show that I don't get is how the Miami police are letting all these crimes and gunfights and explosions go off all over the city without getting a little concerned that something is wrong. They almost never show up, except when the plan involves the police showing up.
  The good news about this show is that it's already signed for at least one more season after this one. The bad news is that means there's almost certainly going to be another cliffhanger ending for season 5.


• Warehouse 13 - This show is kind of dumb. It's entertaining, but it's dumb. The basic premise is that pretty much anyone of any kind of importance in history was in possession of some sort of artifact that could affect the people around them or give them crazy powers or do something magical, generally something that will be a problem for others. The people who work at the warehouse are in charge of obtaining these artifacts and cataloging them, all the while maintaing secrecy and trying not to get killed. Yeah, it's pretty much as cheesy as it sounds. But it's funny and it's better than most of the crap that's on during the summer, which tends to be reality crapfests.


• The Secret Life of the American Teenager - Sorry, this one is supposed to be on a different list, A Bunch of TV Shows You Should Stop Watching Immediately Because They Are Terrible and They're Making You Even Dumber Than You Already Are. Sorry about that.


• Alphas - This show just started this summer and comes on after Warehouse 13, so they lured me in. "Alphas" are people who have extraordinary abilities like enhanced senses or hyperkinesis or superhuman strength from the flight-or-fight response. Much like Warehouse 13, there is a group of Alphas who try to find other Alphas and stop them from doing a lot of bad things. Also there is apparently some evil group of Alphas called "Red Flag," and they want to do bad things. This show, like Burn Notice, has lots of gunfights and explosions, so it's quality summer TV.

Well then. You've got DVR, so throw these in the queue. You can replace Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, as those shows just aren't doing anything positive.

-Jon

This Week In Lyrical Genius: Joan Osborne

Now you're probably thinking, why the hell did I come to mmmmopinions? Nobody even writes anything anymore. Now you're thinking, wait "lyrical genius" does that mean Slick is back? Now you're thinking, who the hell is Joan Osborne? And the answers to those questions are I'm sorry, yes, and that chick who the wrote the song about God being one of us. I had to go to North Adams today on business, and I heard this song on my way there. But oh my god, that trip takes so long. It takes about 45-50 minutes to get to Greenfield (aka the land of pugs) from my house, AND YOU'RE ONLY HALF WAY THERE!!!! I spent three hours in the car today and was annoyed. We are very fortunate that I wasn't in charge of colonizing America. "Six months in a boat? Are you kidding me? Fuck that, I'd rather just be one of the oppressed masses." That's assuming that I could have survived renaissance times and the colonial era without killing myself from having to eat nothing but slops and pig rectum. Delicious, delicious pig rectums. But anyway, I heard "One of Us" and decided that I should write a post about how crappy the lyrics are. So away we go:

If God had a name, what would it be?

Now as you know, I don't claim to be any sort of religious expert, but I'm fairly certain that God did have a name. I think it was Yahweh. If I remember Indiana Jones correctly, I'm pretty sure that was his name, except in Latin it's spelled with an "I." Nevertheless, a quick google search tells me that God told Moses his name was "I AM WHO I AM" which sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. It also sounds like something Descartes would say and that guy was such a douche.

And would you call it to his face?

Yeah, that's what names are for.

If you were faced with him and all his glory,
What would you ask if you had just one question?

Could you remake the last season of Lost so that it doesn't suck?

And yeah, yeah, God is great.

Noted.

Yeah, yeah, God is good.

But you just said . . . ? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Maybe?

What if God was one of us?

I'm pretty sure he was, and follow me on this argument. There's only one God, but he's got multiple identity disorder and thinks of himself as a trinity so he calls himself God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost, which sounds way more badass and terrifying). But Jesus, was somehow all human and all divine. I got into an argument with one of my professors on how that doesn't make any sense. She did not like that I was questioning her beliefs. I did not do well in that class. But anyway, if Jesus was divine and human, and Jesus is God or is part of God or is God's son but is also God, that makes God a human. Therefore, he is one of us. Suck on that bitch.

Just a slob like one of us?

I don't know. That's just so stupid I can't even think of anything funny to say.

Just a stranger on the bus
trying to make his way home

Do you realize how sad God's life is? Not only will nobody call him his name to his face, he's also a slob who's forced to take public transportation. No wonder Jesus just let himself get killed: crucifixion sounds a whole lot better than having to ride the bus with a bunch of slobby asshats.

If God had a face, what would it look like?
And would you want to see?

Fuck, one question at a time please. I imagine he would look something like Jesus but with less facial hair and sick abs. And yes, absolutely. Why? What do you know? Does he have some kind of deformity? Is that why he's so shy? Now I'm not so sure.

If seeing meant that you would have to believe . . .

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would make that trade. "I get to look upon the face of God, but only if I believe in him afterwards? That's a pretty tough bargain. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, LADY!"

in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and alllllllllllllll the prophets

Oh, well then fuck that. I can accept Jesus and heaven and all the normal stuff. But the saints and prophets are a bunch of cumguzzlers. Besides, the Catholic Church, for some reason, gets to decide who gets to be a saint. Why did they desanctify Saint Christopher? Now who's going to watch our asses on roads and highways? WE'RE ALL SCREWED.

Then she repeats the nonsense about the bus and stuff before getting into the dumbest part of the song.

Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone

Again, I'm no expert on religious matters, but isn't the idea that if you're a good person you get to go to heaven and chill out with God? Isn't that the whole reason for having a church? "Well yeah, you lived a good Christian life and saved all the blind, deaf schoolchildren from that fire, but here's the thing: God really likes his space and heaven's really more of a one bedroom apartment so . . . ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HELL YOU RAT BASTARD!!!! HAHAHAHA"

Nobody calling on the phone

This song came out in 1995, so there weren't any cellphones around. Can you imagine how expensive it would have been to run a landline to heaven? Plus, long distance calls were ridiculously expensive back then. I don't blame anyone for not calling. I mean, you're just going to see him on the bus again tomorrow, is there anything that's so important you can't wait one day?

'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Now here's my favorite/dumbest line in the entire song. If the Pope really needs to use a telephone to communicate with God, that's just so dumb it would make your head explode if you really thought about it. The Pope is supposed to be God's earthly representative or some bullshit like that, so I seriously doubt that if God really exists, that he would need a telephone. Although that might explain the whole church-child rape thing.

"What's that God? I can't quite hear you, there's a lot of static on my end? What did you say? Did you say rape little boys? That seems like a weird thing to say, but alright I guess if that's what you want." God told Abraham to kill his only son. The guy's a little fucked up. Maybe he really did say to rape the children. Dammit. Why did I have to use my one question on fixing Lost?

Well, I'm going to hell.

-Slick

A Year of New England Weather...

as told by Facebook. Where possible, I tried to write with the lack of intelligence present in 80% of Facebook posts, so that's why there are so many typos.

January 3rd - Once Christmas is over, winter is kind of stupid...

January 8th - Snow!!!!1!!! :) <3

January 27th - Soooooooo siiick of snow!! :(

February 2nd - Fuck you groundhog I dont want 6 more weeks of winter!!!!!!

March 5th - Almost spring!!!!

March 21st - OMG SPRING IS HERE!!! Time to dress like a skank!! (The second sentence is only for females, and is implied but not usually written)

March 30th - If this is suposed to be spring, how come its still only 40 degrees out?!?

April 6th - Snow? Seriously? God damit!!

April 20th - Soooooooo siiiiiick of rainnnnn!!

May 15th - Can't wait for summahhhhh!!

May 28th - More rain?? How can it rain this much?

June 12th - Hooray! Summer!!

June 21st - Woohoo! First day of summer!! (This one is doubly dumb since most people have already claimed it to be summer AND then post about the actual first day of summer. People suck.)

June 25th - I love summer!!

June 26th until August 31st - Alternate between complaining about the heat and complaining when it's raining.

September 1st - Bye bye summer... :(

October 12th - Wow, this is way too [pick hot or cold] for October!!

November 5th - Not looking forward to the cold weather...

December 1st - Christmas! Snow! Hooray winter!!

December 18th - First snowfall!! I <3 snow!!!!!!!!!

December 27th - I hate the cold!! :( Is it almost spring yet?

And that about does it. I should make up a checklist and see how close my randomly made up dates are to when I find something similar to this on my News Feed. That might be a fun game for like... 15 minutes or so.

-Jon

The Beer-hemoth VIII - Day 2

In case you were not aware of it, drinking in the sun is dangerous without the proper precautions. Kathryn might have taken things a bit too far with the SPF 70, but I guess I can't complain since I didn't get burned at all. We all drank plenty of water as well. And even with all that, we still ended up crashing in the hotel room after the session ended until we dragged ourselves out to dinner. I guess I'm getting old.

On the first day, we tried to focus on the tents from #11-#21, so tents 1 through 10 were on the docket for Day 2. Let's get drinking.

I kicked off the second session with the Edward Pale Ale from Hill Farmstead Brewery. This was a great smelling beer with a nice hoppy aroma and a good flavor. It also had a nice finish with a little bit of sweetness in there. It was a good was to start off the day.

Up next was Alchemist's Rapture. which was an IPA. It had a very intense flavor, but it was still good. I think this would be a sipping beer so as not to overwhelm the tastebuds.

Sticking with my hoppy pursuits, I grabbed the IPA from 7 Barrels Pub and Brewery. This beer wasn't as hoppy as it should have been, and was actually a little sweet, making it seem more like a pale ale than an IPA. It was super smooth, however, and tasted like it would be a good pair with a meal.

I finally mixed things up by getting a Lincoln Lager (hee hee, nice name!) from Bobcat. I didn't check, but I'm assuming no actual bobcats were injured during the brewing of this beer. This was a good beer, but it was kind of boring. Moving on...

Continuing my habit of selecting beers based on their names, I tried the Rauch Session beer from Trapp Lagers. Since it was a session beer, the ABV was probably low, but so was the beer flavor. This "beer" actually tasted more like a soda. I could see myself drinking one again if it was in a mixpack.

Since I had enjoyed it last year, I went with Otter Creek Stovepipe Porter for my next beer. It was a very dark beer, but it wasn't as roasted as I thought I remembered it being. Maybe I just got a bad one, or maybe I wasn't remembering it accurately. Or maybe a brewfest in 80+ degree weather just isn't the right place for a porter. I'll have to try it for a third time under more favorable porter circumstances.

Wolaver's was right next to OC (as you'd probably expect considering their relationship), so I snagged their Oatmeal Stout while I was in the tent. At first this beer was super bitter, but it had all the roasted flavors I was expecting from the Stovepipe Porter. Given a few minutes to mellow out, the bitterness fades away and this beer turns quite delicious.

Harpoon was offering one of their 100 Barrel Series beers, so I made Rich and Dan's Rye IPA my next choice. It has a great IPA aroma, but I think it needs a little bit more malt to balance out the sort of intense bitterness.

At this point, it was time to cleanse the palette, so I went to an old favorite, Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat. There's not a whole lot to say here that hasn't already been said, which means I won't say anything more.

I continued my being nostalgic with a Lost Sailor from BBC. That would be Berkshire Brewing Company, not one of the many other BBCs. This was a good beer that I'm very comfortable with, so I enjoyed it.

I then got a little wacky and got the Strato from Benelux, which I think is a Canadian brewery. This was deemed a "west coast style stout," but I just found it weird. It was only a little bitter, but there was something odd about it. I ended up having to let the grass have it because I didn't drink it in time before the heat ruined it completely.

I finished my afternoon with the Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale from Stone. I never give Stone enough credit, and that's because the first beer I had from them was the Oaked Arrogant Bastard, which I didn't really like. I could go off on a wild tangent here about my feelings on barrel-aging beer, but this isn't really the venue. The short version is that Stone makes delicious beer, and this ale was no exception. I think it may be a black IPA, because it was dark and hoppy and very enjoyable. There was one weird flavor note I couldn't quite pick out, but it didn't ruin anything. Definitely worth the extra ticket (its ABV was over 8.1%, so it was 2 tickets).

Somewhere I lost a ticket, and I gave my last one away, so that concluded the day's beers. Kate and I decided that of the 3 sessions, Friday night is the best, followed by Saturday afternoon with Saturday evening picking up the rear. I hope we are able to do it all again next year!

-Jon

The Beer-hemoth VIII - Day 1

Yeah, so this thing was getting absurdly long when I was writing it, so it needed to be split up into 2 posts. That's becoming a thing here. Sort of like Slick not posting. Zing! I haven't really posted much either, but that's an issue that will be taken care of in the near future. Seriously. I'm already writing more posts in my brain.

Ok, let's get focused. On beer!

The Vermont Brewers Festival is pretty crazy, as I detailed last year. This year we decided to attend the first and second sessions (Friday night and Saturday afternoon). I liked both of these better than the Saturday night session, especially since neither were threatened by thunderstorms. Instead of going to the third session, we went out to dinner at an awesome restaurant and ate 15,000 calories of food. It was a very healthy weekend overall.

And now for the Friday night beers.

You probably don't remember (unless you just reread The Beer-hemoth 3), but last year I really wanted to try the Espresso Amber Ale from Peak Organic, but I missed out because the session got shut down early. I took no chances this year, and kicked things off with one. It has a good coffee flavor, but the aroma seems a little artificial, which is weird considering that Peak is a fully organic brewer. The coffee flavor in an ale is a nice change from coffee stouts. It was a little bit sweet, so I don't think I could drink too many in one day.

I moved on to Allagash from there and tried their Black, which was a Belgian-style stout. This beer smelled very sweet and not like the standard stouts. While I wasn't a huge fan of the flavor, it was very light and easy drinking. It would be a good cookout beer I think.

Next up was Defiant's Medusa IPA. This was an odd beer that didn't smell or taste very hoppy. It actually had a kind of weird flavor and a very heavy feeling aftertaste. I was not really feeling it.

After having three different styles of beers, I decided to keep mixing things up and went with a traditional stout, the Oatmeal Stout from Trout River. This was a dark brown beer instead of being black, and it's flavor also wasn't quite as stout as I was expecting. After every sip, I kept thinking "I gotta have more stout! Or more cowbell! But preferably stout." It was a very smooth beer, and it mellowed out nicely, becoming quite good at the end of the glass.

The fifth beer of the day was another IPA, the Ginga' Ninja from Portsmouth. I am not 100% on this, but I believe the Ginga' part of the name is pronounced like "ginger" but in Boston, making the name rhyme. This was a nice looking IPA with a good hoppiness and flavor. The ginger was a nice complement here, adding to the flavor without being annoying.

Since the ginger worked well in the beer, I thought I'd give the Black Pepper Porter a try. This beer was from Vermont Brewing Company, and it was a weird one. I couldn't pick out any pepper in the aroma or in the flavor, but the beer just tasted odd. But not bad. I think that if it was included in a mix-pack, you wouldn't mind it.

After trying some IPAs and some black pepper, the next logical step was a black IPA. I went with Dark Day from Wormtown, which was hands down the worst named brewery there. Fortunately, they had a delicious beer. Great hop aroma, good hop flavor and malty balance, and a good bitter IPA finish. My only issue with it was that the aftertaste hangs out a little too long, feeling sort of sticky.

I should really take the opportunity at these things to try new styles of beer, but I guess I know what I like, and what I like is stouts and IPAs, so that's what I gravitate toward. For example, the Shed Stout, which wasn't very stoutlike at first, but turned out nicely after I allowed it to warm up a bit.

From stout to IPA, I tried the Flying Goose Strong Ale, which was fantastic. If this had been a dog show instead of a brewfest, this beer would win Best in Show. It had a perfect combination of citrusy hops and sweet maltiness. I need to find some of these to keep in the fridge. I hope I can get them in Keene, since Flying Goose is a NH brewery.

I supposed I could mix a pale ale in there as well, so I opted for the Pale Ale from Tullycross. I think it had a special name, but I forgot to mark it down and I didn't feel like going back. All I wrote down for this beer was that it was super smooth, so I guess it wasn't especially memorable. I went back for another Strong Ale from Flying Goose after this one because it was just that good.

Based strictly on its name, I tried the Ubu Ale from Lake Placid next. This was just not my kind of beer, so let's move on.

At this point, it was 8:47 pm and Melissa saw a pregnant woman drinking beer, making her the winner of the "Find An Irresponsible Parent" game and earning her the respect and admiration of her peers. Then we all mocked that woman's (lack of) parenting skills.

After all that mocking, it was time for another beer. I chose Jasper Murdock's 90 Schilling Pale Ale, which ended up being a mistake. This beer had too much sweetness and not enough hops for my palette, and had the unfortunate result of "accidentally" getting spilled.

To cleanse the sweetness off my poor tongue, I tried Zero Gravity's Anniversary Ale. This beer was a little hoppy and a lot bitter, and had a nice flavor for its low ABV.

Down to my last ticket, I decided to cap the evening with a guaranteed winner, so it was back to Peak Organic for another Espresso Amber. Alas, much like a year ago, it was not to be as they had run out. I went with their IPA instead. I didn't pay too much attention to it because I was so sad about the beer I wanted being gone. It was an ok beer, but probably not the greatest way to end the night.

Stay tuned for Day 2, which in theory will be posted tomorrow.

-Jon

Random June Thoughts - Part 2

This should have been expected after the last post was titled "Part 1."

• My laptop gets hot. Like, ridiculously, leave my thigh red from the heat hot. I have taken to resting it on an ice pack on a pillow sometimes. Does this seem like a problem to anyone else? It reminds me of this Penny Arcade comic. A penis panini does not sound like a good thing.


• Has anyone else seen the commercial for the 3DS version of Ocarina of Time with Robin Williams? He is rocking one of the most epic beards I have ever seen on a movie star! He also has a daughter named Zelda, which the commercial says he named after the character from the series. If that's true, that is awesome.


• I don't understand the business model of the ice cream truck. How is it possible to sell enough ice cream to pay for the gas to drive around my neighborhood all day playing that obnoxious song? I almost never see anyone buying any ice cream either. This leads me to the obvious conclusion that the ice cream truck is a front for illegal drug running. Nothing else makes sense.


• The Facebook app on my phone was being disagreeable the other day by telling me I had 2 unread notifications even though I couldn't find them anywhere in my message list. Being the completely rational person I am, instead of calmly searching for a solution to the annoyance of having a message indicator at the top of my phone for 4 hours, I deleted every single Facebook message and, when that still didn't work, deleted the whole app. Yeah, that's how I get down. Ok, yes, I reinstalled it a little later. But I think I put a healthy fear into it about how I'm not going to take this kind of nonsense in the future. Jon 1, phone 0.


• If you ever have a common household item that you want to get rid of but don't want to pay a fee at the dump (which I think are called "transfer stations" now... what's up with that?), just leave it in front of my mom's house. We put a crappy old grill out there, and it was gone in an hour. And last week we put Kathryn's dirty old couch out there, and it was gone in 45 minutes. Apparently people really like free stuff.

Stupid Face Story of the Week

Why can't people on Facebook successfully quote music? You clearly have internet access, so just look up the damn words!! And stop quoting rap songs about having tons of money if you don't. I seriously doubt that you're "up in the club" or "making it rain" on a Wednesday night.

-Jon

Random June Thoughts - Part 1

I was going to post this a couple days ago, but the Slick had to show up and actually write something, so I thought I might feel bad if I immediately pushed his post down. And if there's one thing I try to avoid, it's feeling bad. Well, that and scurvy.

Just for the sake of doing it, all thoughts will be posed in the form of a question.

• Do you think that the people who make cherry candy have ever actually eaten a cherry? There's pretty much no overlap in flavors there at all. But no one has a problem with that. Have you ever met someone who picked up an actual cherry to eat, but then spit it out because it doesn't taste like the candy? Side note - don't spit cherry pits at people, because they will stain their shirts and they will get mad at you.


• Did you ever notice that both Randy Johnson's real name and his nickname "The Big Unit" have wang references in them? Well you did now! Every time you see him on a Geico commercial, you're going to think of wangs now.


• Why is opening a checking account such a major ordeal? It should be like a 10 minute project. I give the bank some dollars, they give me a bank account number and mail me some checks. Instead it takes about the same amount of time it takes to get seen at the ER at Baystate. Haha, hospital burn!


• Are calf socks suddenly cool? I'm not talking about the socks that some basketball players wear that come up almost to their knees. I mean socks that go about 6 inches up people's calves. I see people wearing them all the time, and I laugh (usually to myself) every time. Seriously, they look terrible.


• Why do people break their cell phones so much, and, more importantly, why do they have to broadcast this fact on Facebook? I think that if you break your cell phone in a non-awesome way, you should be put on a technology hiatus for 2 weeks. So if your phone is toast because you jumped off a bridge to save a drowning person, that's cool. But if it's broken because you dropped in it your beer? Sorry, no more fancy toys for you. Maybe then you'll be more responsible. Know how many times I've broken a cell phone in the last 8 years? Zero. And I'm probably the most likely person to break one based on my track record of being unable to keep myself out of harm's way. Basically what I'm saying here is that people are stupid.

Stupid Facebook Story of the Week

People are constantly leaving their computer logged in to Facebook or not paying attention to their cell phones, and their friends, appropriately, put up hilarious statuses that usually revolve around buttsex. Um, instead of commenting on the status that it wasn't you that wrote it, why not just delete it? Fools...

-Jon

Pretty is a word that's being thrown around far too often these days

Except for that one week when my family went to Hampton Beach and I went around telling my brothers to call me Little Miss Susie, "the sister they always wanted," I've spent most of my life as a dude. Not a great one, but a dude nonetheless. So it always boggles my mind when I see girls do some stuff that makes no sense. For example, when girls break up with douchebags and then proceed to say things like, "That guy was such a douchebag. I can't believe I dated him." Maybe girls do stupid things, you know, because they're stupid. Or maybe it's because they have brains only 1/3 the size of a man brain. In any case, this blog isn't about the questionable decision-making or diminutive brains size of the female human, it's about a weird phenomenon that must be stopped.

Not every girl on this planet is good looking. But if you go on facebook, you could look at the profile of any girl and find someone commenting on one of their pictures, "OMG u r soooooo preeetttttyyyyyyyy." Terrible spelling and excessive letters aside, do these people really think these mack truck looking fuggos are good looking? (Did Jon already criticize excessive lettering? I think he did . . . probably . . . maybe. It's a legitimate 43% chance that he might have said something.) I supposed beauty is all in the eye of the beholder, but some of these chicks are just flat out busted. There's just not any way to get around that fact. A friend of mine proposed a theory that girls comment on other girls pictures so that when they post a picture of themselves, all of their friends will return the favor and say how awesome they looked. It's just absolutely retarded. I may not know a lot about girls, but I can say with 100% certainty that nothing makes a girl happier than talking shit about other girls. They can't get enough. So I cannot fathom why girls seem like they're so dependent on other people commenting on their shit. If you need people commenting on your pictures just so you can feel good about yourself, well then holy shit you might want to get a hard hat because life is going to be rough.

Also, the Bruins just won the Stanley Cup and I see a bunch of facebook status updates that say something retarded like, "Woohoo the cups finally coming home." That might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And then massholes wonder why the entire country hopes Boston teams never win shit. It's because of stupid shit like that. Rant over.

-Slick

The Beer-hemoth VII

I need to start putting subtitles on these things. This one would be something like "Invasion of the IPAs" if I did, because I had a whole bunch of them. Pale ales too. There was a distinct shortage of stouts at this one.

Kate and I went to the Green River Brew Festival, held at Ryan & Casey Liquors. And we were two of the first... hundred people or something, so we each got a fancy glass when we left. Getting stuff is great! I actually took some notes this time since it wasn't raining. Hopefully this will be a more enjoyable beer-reading experience for you than the last one.

You might notice that I haven't had anything new at Mmmm, beers! lately. I've been busy wrapping up a few 6-packs that I tried before, and I did try 2 new beers, but they were only in bottles and I feel like the writeups would be sub-par. Don't worry, I will be back in beer-tasting mode very soon.

Tent 1

This tent had the most beers to try in it, and this is where we started. I kicked things off with the Mojo IPA from the Boulder Beer Company. But I ordered it with a soft "j" to mess with the guy serving it. This beer had a good aroma, but the taste was only ok. I might get it again, if it's not too expensive.

Next up was Trout Hop Black IPA from Grand Teton Brewing Company. This beer had a strange aroma, and it wasn't that great. I would probably not get this again.

Sticking with this theme, I had Rogue's Brutal IPA for my next beer. This one had a good aroma, but it was very faint. The flavor was very good though, so I would probably drink this again.

Moving on, I finally switched things up, but only slightly. My next brew was Peak Organic's Pale Ale. This beer didn't have much of an aroma, and the flavor was very mellow after those IPAs. I think it would be good to drink with a meal, as it wouldn't overpower any of the food's flavors. I might drink this again.

The next beer was the Pub Style from Gritty McDuff. Gritty McDuff sounds like it should be a character on The Simpsons. This beer was pretty much the same as the last one, so you can just reread that little paragraph.

The last beer of the first tent was Southern Tier's 2XIPA. Southern Tier has set a pretty high bar with their other beers, and this one did not disappoint. It had a pretty good aroma, but the flavor was great! I would definitely buy this beer.

Part of the price of admission includes a ticket for $2 off any food item. Kate and I both used ours to get a $2 slice of pizza from Antonio's. Net cost for lunch? $0!!

Tent 2

The second tent wasn't nearly as packed with beers as the first, and the first brewer in there was Harpoon, which only had beers that I've already had. So that cuts the beer choices down even further.

I kicked off tent #2 with Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale. I remember having this beer a long time ago and not liking it, but that was before my enlightenment about the deliciousness of hops. This beer had a pretty weak aroma, but it had a good flavor. I would probably get this beer again, but it's not quite as good as their Tornado.

The next beer was Goose Island IPA. This IPA had a good aroma and a good flavor, so I would definitely get some more of it. At this point, I'm 8 for 8 in pale ales or India pale ales. It's been a pretty hoppy day.

I finally broke out of my pale ale streak by drinking a Longboard Lager from Kona Brewing Company. I might have tried this at some point, but I don't remember. This beer's aroma and flavor were both ok, but it was very easy drinking so I might give it another try some time.

I wrapped up the second tent with the Haver Ale from Haverhill Brewery. This was their cream ale, and the flavor matched up with that description very well. The aroma was ok, so I might get this again when I want to switch things up some day.

Tent 3

I was very disappointed with tent 3. Well not really, but I was a little sad that Victory was supposed to be in this tent but did not come to the brewfest. I was also sad that the first beer I saw in the tent was Narragansett. It brought back painful memories of failing at Trivia Night, and it also made my taste buds sad. Luckily there was some good stuff happening to offset this.

After the initial shock of terrible beer, the next table had Long Trail and Otter Creek. Since Long Trail doesn't make anything that I haven't already had, I went with OC's Black IPA. This beer had a great aroma and a great flavor, so I am definitely going to grab some more at some point. For some reason, I got the impression that this beer has to be very cold to be delicious.

Next up was the beer from Stone Brewing Company. Having possible the only stout available, I felt compelled to drink their Imperial Russian Stout. It had a good stout aroma, and it tasted delicious. I will definitely grab a 22-oz of this if the price isn't as ridiculous as some of Stone's bottles are. If the price is super high, I will just complain a little and be forced to grab something else.

I also decided to try their Ruination IPA because it was recommended to me by someone. Possibly by the internet. And I figure that since we're eventually going to be taken over by robots, I might as well get used to taking their orders. This beer had a great aroma, and it was very good. I'll be drinking this one again.

Tent 4

This felt like the smallest tent, and the table right in the middle didn't help matters. Kate and I skipped right over Brooklyn and Blue Moon and headed for High and Mighty. I decided to try the Purity of Essence. The aroma was ok, but the taste was pretty good and might make this a beer to look out for in the future.

Next was Lagunitas IPA. This beer probably had the best aroma of all the beers I tried today. However, the first taste impression wasn't great. After I let it mellow out for a couple minutes, it turned into a completely different beer, and it was very good. I think I will try this again at some point to see what I think of a whole bottle.

The tent concluded with a beer from Cisco Brewers called Whale's Tale Pale Ale, and yes, I only got it because of the rhyming name. The aroma here was ok, and the flavor was good. This was another super-smooth drinking beer, so I might get it again.

We went back to the first tent because there was something Kate wanted to try, so I had one last beer. It was the Theobroma from Dogfish Head. Ok, this beer just smelt terrible. I bravely ignored my nose and gave it a try, and I was pleasantly surprised. It was pretty good, with a strong blast of chocolate in there. Overall, it was very weird. I might try this again, but I don't think I'd pay for it.

So, I got to try 17 new beers, none of which were bad. I also got a free slice of pizza and a pilsner glass. And the place was only about a mile from Kate's house. I would say that this was a successful day.

-Jon

The Lonely Island is. . .

pretty hilarious. And that's in spite of Andy Samberg's ridiculous appearance.

Here is a completely non-critical critique of the 8 Lonely Island videos that I have watched more than a normal person should have. Maybe I should find a job. Nah..... Also, I hope that all the video embeds still work by the time you read this.

Lazy Sunday (with Chris Parnell)

This is widely regarded as the video that launched them, but only because it's the first music video (they had a fake commercial or something before this, but I don't remember it so it doesn't count).

Everyone else liked this a lot more than I did, but there were still cupcakes in here so that's good enough for me. Plus, it paved the way for the other shorts. And that's good enough to be ranked 7th.

Dick-in-a-box (with Justin Timberlake)

Is this really over 5 years old? I remember when Chris first showed it to us, and it was pretty much the theme of that Christmas. No, not literally, sickos.

I couldn't find an embeddable video (after almost 15 whole seconds of looking), so you'll have to click this link instead. I still can't decide on the funniest part of this video. It's gotta either be the 3 step process for making the dick-in-a-box gift, or the hilarious Justin Timberlake outfits.

This is probably my 2nd favorite Lonely Island video.

Like a Boss (with Seth Rogan)

This video is silly. Well, they all are, but this one is especially silly. You know what, just go watch it.

It's pretty repetitive, but I think the part at the end where Seth Rogan is asking him the questions is funny. The rest is just ok, leaving this video at only number 8 in the power rankings.

I'm on a Boat (with T-Pain)

James and I used to rock out to this song when he and Nicole lived here. Nicole hated it. Obviously, as a female, she lacks a sense of humor.

Come on! This video is hilarious. Plus the song is actually pretty good. T-Pain saying the end of every line is especially funny when they all end in "motherfucker." If this song comes on after I've been drinking, then things are going to get silly. In a surprise victory, this song is my #1 Lonely Island jam.

On the Ground

Who doesn't want to walk around throwing things on the ground? Nobody I know.

Best part? Throwing the kid's cake on the ground and then calling him a jackass. Followed closely by the crazy look in Ryan Reynolds' eyes when he pulls out his taser. This video would be at the top of a list based on actual real-life application, but in Lonely Island hilarity, it gets 4th.

I Just Had Sex (with Akon)

Obviously Akon (aka New Nate Dogg) couldn't let T-Pain (aka new Akon) do one of this videos without getting in on the action.

This song would have been even better if it hadn't been so annoyingly popular with my former students, who, in theory, shouldn't have been having sex in middle school. Oh well. Stupid kids. I love the part where Akon lets them know that any sex is good sex ("she put a bag on my head..." "Still counts!"). This gets the coveted number 5 spot.

Jack Sparrow (with Michael Bolton)

Wow, Michael Bolton is still around? That is good news. Specifically because it means he could be a part of this song.

Everything about this video is hilarious. Bolton's dressing like Jack Sparrow, the other guys' reactions to Bolton, "Now back to the good part!" with that silly hat, and then when he starts trying other movies. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I really thought that Bolton was being Sarah Jessica Parker and not Erin Brockovich. Seriously, are he and SJP twins separated at birth? This relative newcomer takes 3rd place.

3-Way (with Justin Timberlake and supposedly Lady Gaga)

This video just came out like a week ago.

Yeah, so it claims that the girl in this video is Lady Gaga, but she doesn't look like the train wreck she usually is, so I'm skeptical. Also, Kate has vetoed those overalls they're wearing at the beginning from being my wedding attire. That's sad. Not sad? The instant replay at the end of the video where the girl is labeled.

Obviously this video gets 6th, since that's the only spot left.

Hopefully there are many more ridiculous videos coming in the future. Or if not, at least I can just watch these a whole bunch more times.

-Jon

Hopefully This Will Clear Things Up

So, as you can see, things are really out of my hands. I tried going beardless at the beginning of April, and it apparently did not work out.

Also, I like making silly charts. This might become a thing.

-Jon

The Beer-hemoth VI

Yup, the Beer-hemoth is back, and has now been upgraded with Roman numerals. They're so much fancier than those Arabic ones.

This will be my most poorly written Beer-hemoth yet, for a multitude of reasons. Most importantly, it was raining, so I couldn't take notes on my phone without risking water damage. And I don't think that is covered by the insurance. In addition, I forgot 2 of the beers that I tried, and I can't find them in the little brewfest booklet. You don't have to be ashamed of me; I am ashamed enough for the both of us. Finally, the event was several days ago, so this should have been done on Sunday. Er, I mean, of course I wrote this on Sunday. Just look at the date up there!

This past Saturday (um, I mean yesterday) was the 2nd annual Brattleboro Brewers Festival, so Kate and I took a trip up there after my track meet. You might recall that the original Beer-hemoth was inspired by last year's BBF. You can go back and read that one to remind yourself how awesome I used to be.

I know what you're all wondering, and the answer is no, I did not see any pregnant women drinking at this brewfest. Yes, I'm as shocked as you are.

And now for the beers! At the BBF, you get 8 tickets, but I managed to try 9 beers. One guy was pretty cool and didn't really care about the whole ticket policy. Thanks, Bro Montana! Unlike the other Beer-hemoths, these ones are not presented in order of consumption. Deal with it. I also didn't spend any of my tickets on beers that are easily acquired in Greenfield, so there won't be anything from BBC, People's Pint, Element, etc. I'll just buy the beer straight from them if I want it.

We'll start off, ironically, with the beer I finished the festival drinking: South Mountain Stout from Bobcat Brewery. You are going to notice a theme of stouts. I did not have a chance to ask the brewers if they used actual bobcats in their brewing process, but this beer did not taste like it. This was a pretty good beer, and since it wasn't an imperial stout, it was a nice change from all the stouts I've been drinking lately. It was a good beer to finish the day on. You never want your last beer to be a dud.

Another good stout was McNeill's Brewery's Reagin's Stout. This beer was the beer I had 2 beers before the previously mentioned beer, even though I am discussing it after that beer. That last sentence makes my head ache. I enjoyed this beer more than, say, McNeill's Dark Angel, which was good but a little hoppy for a stout. Reagin's Stout is a lot mellower and easy to drink.

In between those beers, I drank Northshire Chocolate Stout from Northshire Brewery. Surprisingly, I didn't really enjoy it. How can a beer with chocolate go wrong? I just don't get it.

During one of the periodic downpours, we found ourselves at the booth for The Shed, a brewpub and restaurant. I decided to have their Sanity IPA, which was an excellent choice. It was nice and hoppy, but not overly dry or bitter. Mmmm!

One of the places I had to try a beer from was Trout River Brewing Company. That is an amusing name, and made me think of Chloe. I decided to go with the Knightslayer Imperial Stout, strictly based on the Knightslayer part. Hey, I've got a weakness for all that medieval stuff. At a hefty 10.5% ABV, you'd think this beer would be a major kick in the tongue, but it wasn't at all. It was super smooth, like drinking velvet. Good flavor as well. It took me a long time to finish though, because it really felt like a huge event for each sip.

Victory Brewing Company had their dog with them, so I wanted to try a beer from them. Just kidding. Not about the dog, but about the dog being the reason I wanted one of their beers. I really wanted one because the Headwaters Pale Ale sounded delicious. And it was! I am absolutely getting a bottle of this next time I'm at either Ryan & Casey or at Table & Vine. If you like pale ale at all, try this one. You will be happy you did. Or you can give it to me. Win-win!

And finally, we get to the only beer I tried but did not finish. I have bad memories of Woodstock Inn Brewery's Kane Country Maple Porter. This is a porter beer brewed with real maple syrup. And for me, that just resulted in a sickly sweet flavor that I simply did not enjoy.

There were 2 other beers I tried, but I can't find them in this pamphlet. I am almost positive one of them was a porter, and I have no idea about the other one. Sorry about that! But overall, I would say that the beers I chose made a good showing, and it was good for Kate to get out of her house for a while. I think those pugs are starting to drive her crazy.

-Jon

More Reasons to Hate the Cable Company That Shall Not Be Named

I hate this cable company. Jon has gone into great detail about this company and why it is terrible. I have found a couple more reasons recently.

1. The HD channel numbers are completely different from the non-HD channel numbers. It has taken me 3 months to master the cable lineup, but we recently got an HDTV. So, I go to TBS, and it’s not in HD. So, I had to flip around the 700s for 5 minutes to find it. TBS is channel 29; TBS HD is like 743 or something, see I still don’t know it, because I’m not wasting my time memorizing two sets of numbers. (The TV in my room is not HD so I’m not going to just remember the HD channel numbers.) Comcast’s HD channels are the regular channel number with an 8 in front of it. Convenient! Also, Comcast gives you the option to go directly to the HD channel if you go to the regular channel. Convenience! Something the cable company that shall not be named hates.

2. I hate this company’s DVR service. I recently tried watching the Office and I had to sit through 3 car commercials during the show. It wouldn’t let me fast forward through them. It was the same god damn commercial. If it was one of those progressive Flo commercials, I would’ve seriously called the company. I’m not even joking. Those commercials and the Miller Lite “Man Up” commercials are an insult to the public consumer. If advertisers think that the public thinks those commercials are funny, then they have no respect for us.

3. I’m pretty sure we STILL don’t get NFL network. It’s fucking 2011 and the channel has been available for at least 5 years. Stop being so cheap, cable company who I’m not going to name.

-Pat the Intern

Billionaires vs. Millionaires? Not Really

If the NFL doesn't have a football season this fall, the Mmmm, opinions staff members are going to be upset. Safe to say, Slick might even be enraged. We can blame all of this on. . .

The owners.

The median net worth of an owner in the NFL is over $1 billion. Ralph Wilson, owner of the Buffalo Bills, ranked 26th in NFL owners with a net worth of over $900 million in 2010. On the other hand, the median salary of an NFL player in 2009 was $770,000. This means that more than half of the players in the NFL make less than $1 million. I keep reading articles about how both sides are greedy and how it's billionaires vs. millionaires. However, after doing 8 minutes of research and without a degree in English or Journalism, I have just proven this not to be so.

The owners are simply greedy. They already have it made!

1. They could backload players' contracts and then cut the player if his performance fell off.
2. They can force a player to play for their team by franchise tagging him.
3. The contracts weren't guaranteed. (Also, "non-guaranteed contract" is an oxymoron.)

And the players were fine with keeping the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) the way it was! None of the owners even needs the money. How much money is enough for one person to have? However, NFL players aren't as rich as some people think.

Think about it: a Dartmouth study found the median career length to be 4 years. Multiply this by the median salary and you get $3.08 million as the median amount of money made by a player in the NFL. $3.08 million is a lot of money. However, if you retire around age 27, you aren't going to live the rest of your life on $3.08 million. So the players have every right to bargain for more money, especially since their bodies are the commodities being used by the owners.

Another reason why the owners are greedy is that they want more games to be played. I've already pointed out that players have short careers. The owners are going to shorten the median career length of a player by adding more games to the schedule. If the owners get an 18-game schedule like they want, that means there are 2 more games a season where a player can get injured. And seriously injured players aren't useful to greedy owners.

So it's not billionaires vs. millionaires, but billionaires wanting more money, wanting to give players less, and wanting to make players work more.

-Pat the Intern