Life's a Beach

That's awfully close to the word "bitch" isn't it? We went to the beach today so I decided to bring back an Mmmmopinion original: Random Shit vs. Something Similar. Completely off topic, I'm watching the Sox while typing this and that Heidi Watney is really cute. I would do horrible, horrible things so that I could do horrible things to her. That sentence is a little confusing but keep trying, you'll get it. When in Rome. The two beaches I'm going to be comparing are Misquamicut (which has two fewer a's than I thought, fucking i's) and Hampton Beach. So come along on a magic carpet ride as I arbitrarily determine categories and winners. This is probably going to set a personal record for least coherent post to date. I'm not sure how I would measure that, maybe I'll have to write a post about it. Nevertheless, let's go.

Proximity to other things: Hampton Beach is close to whatever is in New Hampshire and Misquamicut is close to whatever is in Rhode Island.

Minus one point for each.

Waves: Hampton Beach has decent waves about as often as Haley's Comet comes around. I don't think that's very often but what am I, a fucking astronomer? Meanwhile, the waves at Squamy were insane today. Probably like 10 feet at least. I also don't know jackshit about waves but I think that's impressive. It is for me.

Point: Squamy

Surrounding entertainment: A slam dunk win for Hampton. There's arcades (assuming they haven't all burned down), there's mini-golf, there's a bunch of other shitty stuff that you only buy because you're on vacation. Why do I need a Hampton Beach sweatshirt? So that you know I've been there? Yeah, me and everyone else in Massachusetts. Misquamicut doesn't have shit. Plus, Hampton has that big Italian guy not named Giuseppi who sells sausage grinders. Those things are the tits. Speaking of tits . . .

Slut Factor:
Is it offensive? Almost definitely but I feel it's necessary. Pretty much a clear cut category: which beach is going to have more sluts, or "females" as I believe they may be called outside of Ludlow. This is a strong win for Hampton Beach and while many of the "females" are potential jail bait, I can't take a point away from HB because I'm creepy. God made man in his image, so I assume in his infinite wisdom he thinks it's ok. If not, I have a strict look but don't touch policy. Misquamicut seems like more of a family oriented place, and that's just a real boner-kill.

Point: Hampton

Decision: If you're going to spend actual time in the water and not just work on your tan (it's not just a skin color, it's a lifestyle) then you should go to Squamy. If you're going to check out girls (which I believe is 99.7% of a guy's interest in the beach) then you should go to Hampton. This is one of those mmmmopinions where it's a win-win. Plus I always try to look for the good in any situation. But you already knew this.

Before I close this poorly written abomination, I'm going to present some conclusions I reached today. First, if a girl walks by, no matter what she looks like, and I cannot stress that enough, no matter what she looks like a guy will automatically check her out. I'm confident I mentioned this in my rant about the proper uses of facebook, but it deserves repeating. Ladies: every guy you have ever met in your entire life has judged you based on how you look. If you don't believe that, you're a fucking moron. Before I arrive at conclusion #2 I need to point out that in pretty much every profession a woman's salary is lower than a man's for doing the same work. I'm not saying it's right, but it's a fact that you need to be aware of. That being said, I would gladly, gladly, GLADLY give up a portion of my salary (assuming I start looking for a job) if it would guarantee that every woman I passed would blatantly check me out. It would be the best hypothetical money I could ever spend.

"Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I want to one day live in."

-Slick