- Ignore stop signs - You have places to go, and these other people are in the way. Just because there is a bright red sign requesting you to stop, probably for safety concerns, doesn't mean you have to be bothered. A quick tap of the brakes and you're on your way. They're really just glorified Yield signs. A nice addition to this is to blow through the stop sign and then give other people waiting a dirty look. What the hell is their problem anyways?
- Merge onto major highways at 30mph - The speed limit is 65, but that's just a suggestion for other people. You're an important person for whom signs don't really apply. And that line of cars behind you? Just a bunch of fools. You merge at your own pace, rest of the traffic be damned. As an added bonus, once you completely destroy the traffic pattern with your glacial merging speed, it's fun to curse at everyone around you for driving so slowly.
- Start braking when you see the "1/2 mi to exit sign" - Half a mile is probably enough space to slow down a 550mph Boeing 747, but you're not taking any chances. As soon as that sign pops up, ease off that accelerator and coast to your destination. Speed limits are for other people. If exiting the highway is really that important to them, they'll be happy to wait behind you. Bonus points for immediately speeding up again after you hit the exit ramp. Even more bonus points if you then get in the wrong toll booth and mess up everyone with a Fast Lane. Deal with that, suckers!
- Don't use a blinker - You live a mysterious life. I mean, sure you put every mundane detail of your daily minutiae on your Facebook newsfeed, and your Twitter account has 17 followers who really love hearing how you "just saved 17 cents/lb on watermelon!!!1!!!", but some things need to be kept private. Like when you plan on turning. No one else needs to know where you're going. Are you supposed to be putting your blinker on every time you turn, like some Frenchman**?!? No! Screw everyone else!!
- Keep your blinker on for extended periods of time - Fine, you want to use a blinker? Just turn it on indiscriminately and you're good to go. As the miles tick by and the people behind you get more and more confused, you can rest easy knowing that when/if you eventually turn, people will have had ample notice. That obnoxious clicking sound you keep hearing? Probably not important.
- Tailgate people doing the speed limit in the slow lane - Yes it's raining. And yes, there is lots of open space in the left lane. And yes, the person in front of you is maintaining a constant 65mph. So what? They're probably a huge jerk, so you should get right up on their tail to let them know. It's also nice if you can get your high beams to shine right into their rearview mirror to really show them you mean business. Blinded drivers make the best drivers. Just look at old people.
- Drive with your knees while eating - Hands don't need to have all the fun while driving. You've got 2 knees just sitting there, doing nothing. Let them in on the action. Now you can really enjoy your Whopper while you drift back and forth across your lane. Sure, other people are now in serious danger, but you can't resist the deliciousness of that flame-broiled burger you just ordered. I suppose you could eat it inside the restaurant, but that really isn't very exciting, now is it?
-Jon
* This has probably been done hundreds of times before, by hundreds of other people. But not by me, so it hasn't been done right.
** Actually, French people rarely use blinkers. It's like forbidden. At least in southern France.
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