The Quest for a Puppy Pool

With Jon and Kathryn departing for the Burlington brewer's festival, or something of that nature, it meant that I was left in charge of Monster and Stupid Ho. (You may know them as Odin and Chloe.) For the first couple hours it was really easy. Apparently neither of these things respond well to their Mother and "Uncle" Jon leaving as they sat on the back of the couch looking for them to come back . . . for 3 hours. I played Grand Theft Auto. Early Forecast: easiest money I've ever made.

After a while mowing down hookers and shooting police officers got a little boring, so I went back to playing video games. Just kidding. I decided I was going to find Odin a puppy pool because maybe he would stop being a huge douche to Chloe for a while if he could splash around. So I went over to Toys R Us. That store must be under renovation or something because most of the tiles had been ripped up and half the store was empty. It was like being in a Circuit City when they were going out of business. I was pretty confused. I wandered around like Jon in Homegoods for a while before finding out the only pools they had were bigger than my car. Also, there was a kid screaming the entire time. So that was cool. Somehow the new ghetto Toys R Us was still only the third trashiest place I went to.

Undeterred by failure I walked over to Petco because I've heard rumors that it's where the pets go. However, if they want a puppy pool they do not go there. Upon leaving the store I looked up at the sign and it says, "Petco: Supplies and Fish." That just seems weird to me.

More determined than ever I decided to brace myself and head over to Ocean State NoJobLot which I will always refer to as East Coast Marketplace. Despite wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a Red Sox t-shirt, I still feel like I was wearing the most expensive things in the store. They didn't have a puppy pool either which I feel is bullshit but I did grab a couple six packs of Polar soda for $1 each. Jackpot. I felt like paying with my debit card to really feel like a winner but I opted for cash instead.

Now normally this much trying/failing would cause me to give up, but I had promised that little shithead a puppy pool. I moved on over to Leslie's Pool Supply. Is that the right name? I feel like it isn't but that's what I'm going to call it. The guy there told me they didn't have any even after I made up an adorable story about getting it for my nephew. Why did I lie? I have absolutely no idea. But if this blog stands for one thing it's accuracy. So you and I know it happened.

Faced with diminishing options I decided that my last alternative would be the dreaded Saturday afternoon trip to Wal-Mart. Ugh. Unfortunately I forgot my Wal-Mart bingo card because I'm fairly confident I would have filled the card. Guy with an camo vest? Yup. Girl that has to be younger than me with three kids? Yup. I even saw the seldom seen bonus, "Woman with lazy eye who smelled like chili." You can say I'm making it up, but I know she was real. Wal-Mart didn't have them either which I think is weird because it seems right up their white-trash alley. Also, at no point during my Wal-Mart trip was I confident I was going to make it back alive because people treat that parking lot like it's the Daytona Fucking Speedway. Holy shit. 45 in a parking lot is probably too fast.

Sweaty and angry I decided that I would grab a Dunkin Donuts Coolata because as that old Loreal ad campaign suggests, I'm worth it. I went with French Vanilla and it was delicious.

So while the Quest for the Puppy Pool was a failure I've obtained the valuable information that they're available at K-Mart. Check back for the thrilling conclusion. Also, you'll find out whether or not I've murdered Odin.

-Slick