The Return of Commercial Hatred!

It's been a while since we've hated on commercials here, so let's bring that back. I will only be dishing out the hate here, and not offering any improvements. For one, these things are just terrible and can't be improved without completely overhauling the entire thing. For the other, I just feel like being negative today. This also could be titled "Companies I Will Not Be Utilizing Until They Change Their Advertising Campaigns," except that that particular title would not fit nicely at the top of the post.

Sullivan Tire

I can't figure these things out. They've got Dustin Pedroia doing various baseball-related activities, and then that crazy looking guy (probably Mr Sullivan) comes on and the whole thing goes to hell. I am not exactly sure if this is the wording, but the commercials always go something like this: "It takes determination to succeed on the diamond. At Sullivan Tire, we'll get you the tires you need to get where you're going." Uh, what? What kind of ridiculous non-sequitor is that? It sounds like something from that Ray Romano Sportscenter skit. And I always say, you gotta get to White Castle before the weirdos show up. Yeah, that's equally nonsensical. Except that I didn't pay someone thousands of dollars to put it on television.

Six Flags

Specifically the ones that have the "old" guy and now apparently his midget clone. Apparently flags are a rating system for how fun things are, and the commercials compare various activities with going to Six Flags, but they always compare stupid things. Making birdhouses? Camping? Everything is more fun than camping! If I had to choose between going camping and having pugs stomp on my nuts for a couple hours, it would be a very difficult decision. They should compare Six Flags to actually doing something fun. Going to Six Flags is a fun rating of six flags? Then going out drinking with my friends is like 11 flags. Playing the new Mario Galaxy is like 9 flags. Sitting around doing nothing is probably at least 5. Then, to make matters worse, they start playing that awful Vengaboys song. That song is from 1998. And it wasn't even good then. And unlike wine or cheese or scotch, time has not improved it. Until that bald jackass and that song are gone, I am boycotting this place. Let's see if it can survive without my $42.99.

Corona

These commercials are hit or miss. There are some decent ones, like the one where the guy changes the time for happy hour from 5-8 to 5-infinity (yay math humour!) or the ones where it looks like the Corona bottles have a hammock between them but the camera pans out and it is actually palm trees. I am not referring to these ones. What I am referring to are the new trio of commercials which appear to be a series. It's a guy and presumably his wife or girlfriend sitting on the beach drinking Coronas and various people walk by. These commercials are bullshit. When an attractive girl walks by, the guy checks her out (hey, it's hardwired into our DNA) and the girl squirts him in the face with a lime. When what I have to assume is an attractive guy walks by, the girl checks him out and the guy has to open a shaken up beer. When a group of attractive girls walk by, the guy checks them out and then apparently has to squirt himself in the face with a lime. So let me get this straight: if a guy checks out a girl, he gets squirted in the face, but if a girl checks out a guy, the guy has to open a beer that is definitely going to explode? That's bullshit. If I'm that guy, I'm going to tell the bitch with me to fuck off and then find a new, non-citrus-assaulting girl. Clearly there are an abundance of ladies around. There's a decent chance that at least one of them is not a bitch.

And that will do it for this episode. Clearly this is a very deep well, and we'll be returning to it from time to time.

-Jon