Brett Favre is Making Me Look Like an Asshole

Remember that one time I wrote that awful, awful post defending Brett Favre? (Editor's note - If you don't remember it, here you go. You're welcome.) Well fuck that asshole, he's making me look stupid. So let me be the last person to weigh in on the BrettFavrecockcellphonepicturegate. I said this before but it deserves reiterating, if you add the word "gate" to the end of some word because it's a scandal, I will attack you. It is the number 1 thing on my extensive list of things that annoy me. Don't test me; I will hit you.

Now I'm not here to pass judgment on Brett Favre. I seriously could not care less if he sent pictures of his "Lil' gunslinger" to that cum dumpster, Jenn Sterger. Allegedly sent pictures. I have yet to see any conclusive evidence. Although he probably did it. Clearly that's what the 21st century athlete loves to do. I'm pretty confused because on the one hand, all athletes are egotistical dickheads. Haha . . . that was an ironic choice of words. But on the other hand, if you've ever been to a college with athletes you know that girls, for whatever reason, throw themselves at athletes because . . . well I don't know. This is why I'm terrified of having a daughter: girls don't make rational choices. And before all (both?) of our female readers get offended, just know that I mean that in the most derogatory way possible. Girls don't make any sense, ever. That's why I wish you could just do what you would do with a girl, but you know, do it with one of your buddies. Like instead of living with a girl, you would just live with a guy friend. But that's just a pipe dream. So, getting back to my original point, it seems pretty unlikely that Brett Favre would have to chase this slut down to lay some pipe if that's what he wanted. But that's not why we're here.

I'm mad because I don't like the way Favre is handling this situation. He's all like, "Oh, I'm sorry for being a distraction." Well, listen up you pansy ass bitch: dry those tears and handle this situation like a man. The way Big Slick sees it, there's only 2 ways to handle this situation.

1. Brett didn't send those pictures: Hold a press conference and categorically deny it. By not saying that he didn't do it, it really makes it look like he probably did. Bad move. Plus, when you have a smokeshow wife who's a cancer survivor, it's probably not a good idea to not deny this. Although he probably did it so this option is irrelevant.

2. Brett sent those pictures: Hold a press conference and give a speech something like this. "Well fuck yeah I did it. Brett needs some of that sweet sweet cum dumpster poon tang. What? Are you surprised? I'm Brett fucking Favre. I'm a fucking gunslinger just having fun out there. You've seen my Wranglers commercials. Well I've got five fucking words for you: Jenn Sterger. Real. Comfortable. Slut." Is anyone going to hate Favre more than they already hate him? I'm pretty sure everyone hates that will he retire, won't he retire asshole. Clearly he loves attention, but would he try to get the attention of an attention-loving-whore who would try to out attention-whore him? It's a real conundrum. But like Lost, I'm only here to raise questions. You want answers? WELL FUCK YOU AND YOUR NEEDS. THE ENTIRE SIXTH SEASON RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!.

So, to wrap up this gem of a post I'll leave you with this gem: don't ever expect anything from anyone. Ever. Under any circumstances. That way you can never be disappointed. You may say that's being cynical but it's probably just being practical.

-Slick