The world is very confusing. I think we can all agree on that. However, some of the things that are confusing have no business happening, as they are easily fixed. Can't we take some of the money that's funding the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan and put it to good use by solving these problems? There are going to be a lot of rhetorical questions here, so you should probably be prepared. And away we go!
Burritos - Why didn't I eat burritos before? They are fantastic! Everything in them is delicious! And yet, somehow, I didn't really eat them until I was probably 25 years old. Does this mean that the first 25 years of my life were a waste? It might.
Candy Corn - Man, is there any sugar-based "food" that is more polarizing than candy corn? Why do people hate it so much? It's not nearly as bad as hiding coconut inside your candy (I'm talking to you, Mounds and Almond Joy!). If you want to start some fighting, bring candy corn to a party. Or host a party and put candy corn out. People have very strong candy corn opinions. I bet you would get a much more emotional reaction from the majority of people if you ask them about candy corn than you would if you asked them about the upcoming elections. Actually, that is pretty sad.
Leafers - Leafers, or leaf peepers, or whatever they are called, are absolutely baffling to me. Are you seriously driving 100s of miles to look at trees that aren't green any more? What is wrong with you people!!? Is New England the only place that has trees that change color? What the heck is going on here!? Also, these people are terrible drivers. I had a volleyball match up at Pioneer Regional one Saturday afternoon, and 91 was absolutely clogged with New York and CT drivers (go here for my take on drivers from Connecticut) who couldn't maintain a consistent speed because of all the amazing colors. Clowns.
Strawberry candy - Why are strawberries so delicious, but strawberry candy is so disappointing? You know that if you pick up a red candy expecting cherry and get strawberry instead, the candy is ruined. No one is ever like "Oh wow! I was expecting cherry, but I got this awesome strawberry candy instead!!" It's always "Aw man, I thought it was cherry!" and a sad face. Statistically speaking, if you try to trade someone your strawberry Starburst for their cherry Starburst, you will get punched or sworn at 87% of the time. Try it if you don't believe me.
People who insist on showing that they're different - Yeah, we get it. You're unique. We can tell by the fact that you're wearing a winter hat in August, or that you have shorts on over your pants, or that your hair has 4 different colors of the rainbow. We just don't care. Can I get on with my life now?
People in general - Seriously, what's up with them?
"Chix" = "chicken"? - How is that an abbreviation? I saw it on a receipt I got once (probably for a burrito) and stopped in the middle of the parking lot because I was so confused. Luckily no cars were coming. Can I start writing the word "chicken" as "chixen"? If I ever have a restaurant, I may take this random abbreviating thing to a whole new level. No one will be able to figure out their bills!!
The "miracle" of birth - Can something that has happened at least 6 billion times really be considered a miracle? Do people even know what a miracle is? Here's what the dictionary has to say on the matter. I like the second definition. Unusual event, eh? So I guess that maybe something that happens every few seconds probably isn't a miracle. Also, most miracles are not preceded by a forgotten condom in the back of a Chevy 9 months earlier. Just saying. Know what would be an actual miracle? Slick writing a post without cursing. Speaking of which, does he still work here?
Orange popsicles - These are a distant third in the popsicle world. Also, popsicles are only cherry, grape and orange. Everything else is a lie! Have you ever heard anyone ask specifically for an orange popsicle? I haven't. Most packages are 8 of each flavor, but they should obviously be 12 cherry, 10 grape and 2 orange. The orange ones are to punish your kids when they get mouthy. Want dessert? Sure! Have a popsicle! An orange popsicle! Mwahahahaha!! I probably shouldn't have kids.
Topology - That is some confusing math. It hurts my brain.
Substitute teacher pay - Schools wonder why they have such awful substitutes. Like that crazy old lady. Or that lady who smells like cats. Or that. . . flamboyant guy who let all the kids use their phones during class and told them they didn't need to do the assignment. Maybe it's because the schools pay these people $60-$80 a day, which does not really amount to a living wage for the year. If you subbed every single day of the school year, your earnings would be between $10,800 and $14,400 before taxes. If education is really as important as all the political people say it is (even though it's not, as I've previously stated), start paying people like it is. Also, and I know this violates my policy of not researching things, the average teacher in MA gets paid $56,587 a year, which breaks down to approximately $314 per school day. Shouldn't I be getting at least half that to fill in for them? At least then I'd be substantially above the poverty line.
-Jon
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