Facebook Makes Me Sad

Specifically, it makes me sad about the world and the people who populate said world. I just don't understand how sitting down at a keyboard turns off that part of the brain that asks "is this an intelligent thing to broadcast to the world?" and just lets the nonsense roll. Come on, people, you're better than that. Well, I guess not, but you could be!! Maybe...

My current new thing to hate about Facebook (my top hated thing varies from week to week) is the excessive amount of things that people "Like." Now, if you're doing it to be ironic, such as liking every single thing on Lindsay's wall, then that's cool, but otherwise, knock it off. I don't know where the line should be drawn, but if you "Like" something stupid, then you should just be kicked off Facebook. And possibly the world. Too bad that whole flat world theory didn't pan out. Our garbage problem and our stupidity problem could both be solved at once.

Today in my News Feed, one of my "friends" liked, and I quote: "I THROW MY SKITTLES IN THE AIR SOMETIMES, SAYING AYYYOOO, TASTE THE RAINBOW." Let that sink in a moment, because it has a 15% chance of giving you an aneurysm, and if so, you need to stop reading and get immediate medical attention. Still good? Ok. Seriously? What makes that "Like"-able? If you like throwing Skittles in the air, then you're an asshole. Quit wasting delicious Skittles and give them to me. And if you don't like throwing Skittles in the air, then you're an asshole also, because you're a liar. Why like this bullshit? Because it's a semi-clever, Weird Al-like parody of a shitty song? Because you're a like-whore and will just like anything that pops up? Ooh! I've got it!! It's because you're stupid.

Another stupid thing that I keep seeing is people talking about how awesome it was to be alive on 10/10/10 and how it won't happen again for 1000 years. Really? So what date will it be on October 10th, 2110? Yeah, that's what I thought. Know who 10/10/10 was really awesome for? Sadie and John, because they got married. And I guess for anyone else who had something significant and, you know, actually awesome happen. For everyone else, you are possibly overrating this day, or you are probably stupid.

Speaking of dates, have you seen people talking about how this month has 5 Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and how this only happens once every 823 years? That's weird, because July 2011 also has 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. I am going to feel old as fuck, since apparently next July is 823 years away. And if you are trying to rationalize their stupidity and say they're only talking specifically about the month of October, then maybe you should check out October 2021. Looks a lot like this month, huh? Apparently 2021 is also 823 years away. Man, time flies when you're stupid.

Now, not everyone can be stupid by liking everything. Maybe they just don't bother with the like button, or maybe they just don't feel like hunting this dumb shit down. Don't worry, there are plenty of other ways to be an ass-hat. For instance, everyone has at least one person on their friend list who writes their status updates in some e.e. cummings stream-of-consciousness version of the Moron dialect of the English language. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you can't make any sense of what you just wrote, then you can guarantee that no one else can either, and they're making fun of you. Those little red squiggly lines underneath every third word you wrote? They mean that word is not actually a word. Try again, stupid. And this time, try a few capital letters and some of those other little symbols on the keyboard. They're called "punctuation marks," and they aren't just there to add extra keys.

Have you ever noticed that there is an inverse relationship between the quality of someone's grammar and the number of posts they make? The lower the quality, the more frequent the posts. Think of it like this: if you make more than 3 posts in 20 minutes, you're an asshole. And if you have spelling errors in all 3, it's probably time for me to hide you from the News Feed. Maybe when you can tell the difference between "your" and "you're" I'll consider reinstating you. Until then, it's probably best if your genes are removed from the pool and you're prevented from procreating. We're all stocked up on stupid here already, we don't need any more.

This is getting a bit long, so I should probably wrap things up. My final complaint today is how much complaining I find in the news feed. Yes, I see the irony there. Based on what I read, the lives of at least 80% of my Facebook friends suck. That's pretty depressing. And also weird, because most of the people I know are living decent lives and need to shut their stupid faces. Hate your job? Quit. I did it, so it's not that hard. Hate your family? Stop talking to them. Hate your boyfriend/girlfriend? Break up with that jackass. Just quit bitching. Facebook needs to go back to its roots. Stalking random people, posting embarrassing photos, and making snarky comments on other people's updates. That's what the internet is for!

-Jon

PS - I realize how hilarious it would be if there are grammatical mistakes here, so don't feel the need to point it out to me. I'll get around to proofreading this at some point. Also, there is a minor difference between a 20-word status update and a close-to-1000-word work of genius like this.