Let Me Save You Some Time

If you're anything like me (which you probably are not), you spend a decent portion of your time watching HGTV for some reason. And even if you don't, you may have heard of a show called Love It or List It. Basically a guy tries to get a couple to move into a new house while a girl with a possibly English accent tries to improve their house enough for them to stay. Also the whole thing seems to take place in Canada since there is an abundance of Canadian accents.

The premise is kind of cool, but the execution leaves much to be desired. To save you the time of having to watch it at all, here is a synopsis of every single episode.

Two people talk about the house they live in while a camera with some kind of dulling filter shows different issues with the house. I assume the filtering is to make the house look super amazing afterwards regardless of the improvements. Then either the husband or wife adamantly states that they need to move, while the other adamantly insists that their current house can be salvaged.

Next New House Guy and House Fix Girl meet with the couple and talk about what they're looking for in a new home and what they'd like fixed about the current house. This inevitably results in some absurdly ridiculous goals. For the moving ones, they're always something like "it needs to have an open floor plan, a finished basement and be on the same street we already live on while also having a staircase made out of mussels and encrusted with diamonds." Some of that may have been exaggerated, but only slightly. Then the requirements for staying boil down to, "we want $80,000 to $120,000 of improvements, and our budget is $20,000 to $50,000, so make that happen." It reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons when Agnes Skinner tells the bag boy that she wants all her groceries in one bag but doesn't want the bag to be too heavy.

After the meeting with the couple, New House Guy and House Fix Girl go to the actual house and make snarky comments about the house and about each other. Maybe this part is entertaining to Canadians with their Canadian humo(u)r, but it makes me cringe. The writers need to work on this part, as most HGTV shows are secretly scripted ahead of time.

And now on to the actual loving and listing. This is where the show falls apart.

We'll start with New House Guy's part of the show. After going through the couple's practically impossible list, he tries to find some houses that fit the bill. Sadly for him, he is going to have to constantly deal with people, who are just terrible. "We'd really prefer a bathroom with a double vanity," says the couple who currently has a bathroom the size of a refrigerator. Or "we're looking for stainless steel appliances" when they are working with a kitchen that appears to have been time-travelled from 1952. Stupid people are never satisfied with anything.

And as annoying as those parts are, House Fix Girl is even worse. Every (and I mean every) episode has the exact same thing. She says she's going to do x things to the house, there is always an issue with at least one of them, which they only find out after she's gutted something, the couple gets upset, either the husband or wife appears on camera alone saying something along the lines of "I'm really losing faith in [whatever her name is] at this point," she can't fix that particular thing, she asks if there's any more money in the budget, the husband or wife claims that if that thing can't be fixed then there's no point in doing anything and there's no more budget, and then more getting upset. Every single time. I feel semi-bad for House Fix Girl since there's not really any way to update a bathroom, upgrade and modernize a kitchen and add a second floor bathroom to a house with a $25,000 budget, but she's kind of a bitch sometimes, so screw her.

Eventually, the couple agrees that one of the new houses doesn't completely suck and are completely amazed by the transformation of their old house (even without whichever one of the must-have improvements didn't get improved). Then New House Guy gives us a nice little infographic that lists the original assessment of the house's value, the amount of the budget for improvements, and the new assessment of the house's value (which always seems to be $100,000 higher). He and House Fix Girl go stand like 10 feet away from the couple who discuss whether they're going to stay or go. Once the final decision is made, the "winner" out of New House Guy and House Fix Girl has to buy the other a drink, and he/she makes another snarky comment. And you've just lost an hour of your life.

Now, I like to be helpful, so here are my suggestions for making this show less bad:

• Fix the awkward dialogue. It's super awkward.
• Pick less ridiculous couples with normal human expectations and reactions. People living in a 2-bedroom house shouldn't be complaining that the fourth bedroom in the new house can't fit a king-sized bed.
• The whole budget vs. expectation thing is ridiculous. If I have $3 in my wallet, I shouldn't ask for a filet mignon and then get upset when I actually have to eat a Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe. You get what you pay for. Even in Canada.
• Not every episode needs a home improvement disaster and an awkward argument (which goes back to my first point) between the couple and House Fix Girl.

Get on it, HGTV.

-Jon

The Teen Mom Drinking Game

It's time to get this thing going again. With the amount of free time and opinions that I have, there's not really any excuse for nothing to be posted since April. And for whoever keeps showing up only to be disappointed with the lack of updates, I am sorry. I've just been super busy!

One thing they don't warn you about before you move in with a girl/lady/woman is that they have simply awful taste in television. Or that when you point this out to them, they just get upset. Or if you make hilarious comments during their awful shows, they'll just get mad at you. As such, you may be subjected to things such as 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, So You Think You're a Dancer, and other such drivel.

Fortunately, there is alcohol, which makes everything better. Except for pregnancy and your ability to operate heavy machinery. Have you ever noticed that the packaging never mentions alcohol's impact on your fine motor skills? It seems like, in addition to affecting heavy machinery operation, it would also negatively affect things like open-heart surgery or playing Operation. Maybe that should go on the bottle as well.

At any rate, on with the drinking.

Teen Mom Drinking Game
What you'll need:

• beer if you're smart, wine if you're crazy, hard liquor if you've got a thing for someone in the emergency room or enjoy having your stomach pumped
• 2 shot glasses per person
• a lot of water
• a girlfriend/wife who makes you watch Teen Mom, or a lack of self-respect to watch it on your own

The Rules*

Take a (small) sip of beer whenever...

• a teen mom says "like" without it expressing appreciation for something or it being part of a simile
• a teen mom says "you know?"
• a teen mom starts a sentence with "Honestly"
• The 3 above can be expanded to all characters if you are feeling too sober, but don't try to be a hero
• a word is censored (one sip per beep)
• you stop to think about where the money for these kids' clothes and food is coming from

Take a shot of beer whenever...

• anyone starts a sentence with "I just feel like..."
• there is any variation of a teen mom complaining about growing up so fast
• a baby daddy complains about not being able to do things with his friends
• anyone uses the word "literally" when they mean "figuratively"
• a teen mom or baby daddy says the word "protection"

Take both shots of beer whenever...

• a teen mom is wearing sweatpants and being sad on a couch, generally with a cell phone in hand
• any physical violence between a teen mom and her baby daddy (works best with Amber or Janelle... and yes, I hate myself for knowing that)
• there are cops on screen

Finish your beer at the end of the episode if the ending is playing sad music and people have sad/vacant expressions on their faces. Actually, finish your beer no matter what happens. What else are you going to do, dump it down the drain? That's bullshit.

Drink at least a small glass of water (4-6 oz) during every commercial break. Trust me on this one.

This game can also be expanded to 16 and Pregnant with the bonus rule of pounding a beer at the end of the episode if the baby daddy is no longer in the picture. Take that, liver!

-Jon

*Editor's note - This game should only be played by people of the legal drinking age. Mmmm, opinions claims no responsibility for injuries sustained before, during, or after playing this game. Call a taxi or use a designated driver.

The Beer-hemoth IX

Apparently it's that time of the year again, by which I mean time for brewfests. Hooray! First up for 2012 is Brew Woo, which was in its second year. This was my first indoor brewfest, which was a good thing because it was pretty chilly out in Worcester. I assume that this is was the GABF is like, if you took this event and turned it up to 11.

There were somewhere between 30 and 40 breweries, which is variable based on what was listed on the program and what was actually there. Once we got carded and let in (where I was stamped rather vigorously by the girl with the blue stamper thing), we were given our tasting glass, a list of the breweries on a heavy-duty sheet, and a pencil for taking notes. I held on to my glass, but the sheet and the pencil quickly found their way into a nearby trash can. I don't have enough hands to hold a glass, hold a paper and write on it with a pencil. Looks like my phone is going to be in charge of keeping track of what's good and what's not.

Brew Woo is an unlimited event, which is nice since you don't have to worry about wasting a ticket on something sketchy, but not as nice for some people who don't know how to manage their drinks. I ended up trying 15 beers, 14 of which made it into my tummy and 1 of which made it into a garbage can. More on that later.

Let's get to the beer.

We didn't really follow the layout of the place (it was set up into 10 "pods" of 4 breweries each), but instead just ran off toward whatever seemed interesting from wherever we happened to be standing at the time. It actually turned out to be an effective strategy, and I feel like there weren't any breweries I missed because of our path.

First up was Woodstock Inn since it was the nearest to our entry point. I chose the Pemi Pale Ale, hoping that it was going to be an American pale ale. It was not, as it was an English pale ale. The main difference here is that American ones are nice and hoppy, and English ones are more mellow and easy to drink. This beer was fine, but nothing great.

I then saw a place called Baxter Brewing, which I had not heard of before and therefore needed to be visited. I went with their Stowaway IPA, and it was pretty good. It wasn't super hoppy though, which isn't my ideal IPA. It was, on the other hand, very drinkable, so I gave another of their beers a shot, the Pamola Xtra Pale Ale. As opposed to being anything I was expecting, this beer was very sweet, with a nice light flavor. I also got a free can koozie for Kate by telling them a "bad" joke that I stole from the infamous Greg Loesch. All in all, this station was a winner.

Did you know that Waltham, MA is known as "Watch City"? I did not, but I learned this factoid when we moved over to Watch City Brewing Co. to give their Fenway Fungo a try. This is a Scottish Wee Light, and therefore probably going to be a malty beast. As expected, this beer was super smokey, with a heavy mouthfeel and sort of a meaty maltiness to it. It worked well as a sipper, although most of the group disagreed with me.

Continuing our meandering, I hit upon Revival Brewing and went for their Double Black IPA. I found it be be a lot more "black" than "IPA," which was kind of disappointing.

When I turned around, Wormtown was directly behind me, and they had their Be Hoppy IPA, a beer that was on my list to try. I figured that this was as good a time as any, and I was immediately rewarded for my decision. This beer ended up winning my award for Best In Fest, as it had a delicious hoppiness without being too bitter. Since no one was waiting behind me, I got to talking to one of the servers and ended up trying their Turtle Boy Blue, a blueberry beer. It was delicious, with a nice blueberry flavor that didn't go too far and become cloying. Along with my newfound Thirsty Dog raspberry, 21st's Hell or High Watermelon, and maybe a little Sea Dog and Hooker, this is going to be a good summer for fruit beers.

Next on my list was Offshore's IPA. Apparently I got distracted by something, because all I wrote down was that this beer had a strong flavor. I'm not sure where I was going with that, so I guess I'll give myself minus points for this one. Sorry.

Nearby, I saw Sierra Nevada, and they had their Ruthless Rye IPA, a beer I've wanted to try for a while when I see it over at Ryan & Casey's, but for some reason I've never picked any up. Maybe I will next time I'm there, as this beer was very strong, very hoppy and nicely enjoyable.

At this point, we were past the halfway point for the session, which meant it was time for a snack. Kate and I both got delicious pulled pork sandwiches. It's not a brisket, but they were delightful.

I was excited to give the Whitewater IPA from Sam Adams a try, until I took a sip. It turns out that this is like some sort of weird combination of a white beer and an IPA, which meant mine got about 2 sips and then ended up in the trash. Goddam white ales...

In an attempt to scrub my palette, I went over to Wachusett and got a Black Shack Porter. This beer wasn't bad, but it didn't seem like a porter in any way. There were no smoked flavors, and the color was super thin. Maybe I got a different beer than what I asked for.

A brewery called Backlash caught my attention with their brass knuckle motif, but their beer varieties were distinctly foreign styles. Out of the two, I chose their Belgian-style IPA, Declaration. I don't really want to say anything good or bad about it, as this is just not my style of beer, but I will say that it was like a slightly bitter hefeweizen. If that sounds like your cup of tea (or pint of beer), then this one seemed like a good one, maybe?

The next place I hit surprised me, because I didn't realize that it was a brewery. I thought it was one of those little kiosks that are always at brewfests offering something else, in this case white-water rafting. Turns out that I was actually at the table for Kennebec River Brewing, so I went with their IPA. This was a nice IPA, with a good amount of hoppiness and bitterness without being too bitter.

It was getting close to the end of the session, but still had a couple spots that I felt needed to be hit. I was having a really hard time reading the choices over at Ithaca Brewing (the names of the beers were nice and large, but the styles were super tiny and behind the server), so I just went with their Apricot Wheat. This is a really apricotty beer, and very good if you don't mind a feeling like you're drinking soda.

We closed out the event with Koko Brown from Kona Brewing, which was only possible through Kate's guilting the girl serving the beer (who wasn't going to open another Koko Brown until the next session) by lamenting how it was so delicious and she wanted to make it her last beer. What a sucker! She opened one last bottle, and I tried some as well. It's a coconut brown ale, and it's quite nice to drink. I believe this one was Kate's Best in Fest winner.

This was a nice event, and one I would gladly attend again next year. Well done, Worcester.

-Jon

So, You're Playing Draw Something, Eh?

This post is dedicated to dedicated reader (and potentially only reader) Chris. Hopefully this will fill some of the downtime at his work.

"Draw Something" is the next big asynchronous 2-player iPhone game (and probably any other touchscreen phone, but let's not split hairs... people are going to start using "iPhone" the way old people call every single video game console a Nintendo), and has taken the throne from previous holder Words with Friends, which takes way too long and gets annoying in like 3 minutes. Draw Something, as its title would suggest, has one player draw something and the other player then guesses. Then the second player draws something else and sends it back. The game offers you 3 choices of things to draw of varying levels of difficulty, and then it's up to you.

Now, you probably have played and are thinking that the object of the game is to draw your picture well enough to get the other player to correctly guess it. But you would be wrong. The actual point of the game is to screw with your friends' heads and convince them that you aren't quite right in the head. Because I am something of an expert in this field, allow me to assist.

One of the most obvious ways to abuse your friends is just to draw the wrong thing. Sure, you may have chosen "tennis" as your drawing subject, but no one says you have to draw something related to tennis at first. Try drawing an elephant, adding a whole bunch of details and taking a really long time to do it. Then erase the whole thing and draw a tennis racket. Your friends won't know what hit them!

Another option is to pick an object with a very distinctive characteristic, but not to draw that characteristic until the end. I was supposed to draw a cyclops for Matt, so I drew a head and muscular arms, then added some ragged clothing. Not until after about 45 seconds did I add the single eye, which would have given away the answer too early. You worked hard on your picture, so make those jerks wait it out. Another fun idea is to pick something easy like pig, but then draw a really detailed picture. Draw a barn and some roosters. Maybe stick a farmer holding a pitchfork in there. It's probably a sunny day, so put the sun up in the sky. Perhaps some clouds if you're feeling that particular vibe. The important thing is that the little piggy isn't part of the picture until the end.

You can also mess with your pals when it's your turn to guess. The first thing is to try to guess the word before the drawing has started. This gets easier as you play more rounds and see more of the options, but it's not too difficult with the shorter words. If it's a 3-letter answer, just start plugging in "cow" or "pig" or "log" or whatever you can from your letters. Once the drawing has started, you can keep trying to guess, but I prefer an alternative tactic: try to form insults or curses so that when they watch you try to solve it, they will feel insulted. Depending on your opponent, penis is almost always an appropriate choice, but go with your gut.

Another option includes some abstract thinking. Sure, the game is probably expecting you to draw a bluejay or cardinal or something when you pick "bird," but why not draw a green tank top and put the number 33 on it? This has an added benefit of letting you know if your friend knows who Larry Bird is, because if they don't, it's time to end that friendship.

If you're really up for some mind games, just don't draw anything for 30-45 seconds. Put a little dot in the corner of the screen to make sure the game thinks you're drawing, then just sit there. Watch a few commercials or something. Then it's time to draw. They'll think something is wrong with their phone. Suckers!

There are lots of other ways to abuse your friends' game time, so think of your own methods if none of these are to your liking. Just remember - even though it's a cooperative game, there's always room for mental abuse.

-Jon

A "Live" Blog of the Grammys

Kate worked last night and had me DVR the Grammys for her, so we're watching them right now. Ever since Two Against Nature won Album of the Year when it was, at best, the 4th best nominee, I don't care about the stupid Grammys, so instead, I'll be making fun of them.

• Has anyone made some Kevin Costner/The Bodyguard jokes about Whitney Houston's death yet? If not, how come?
• Bruce Springsteen should have sung a different song. Like a good one.
• Whenever it was that Lady Gaga hosted that show and pretended she was a guy... remember that? Um, her "character" really looked a lot like Bruno Mars. I am not sure who that is more insulting to.
• Speaking of Bruno Mars, apparently he and Alicia Keys had the same person do their hair for this show. Again, I am not sure who that is more insulting to.
• Alright Lady Gaga, we get it. You're super creative and don't fit into anyone's expectations. But maybe you should respect the Grammys (since you're nominated for one) and not look like a complete fuckup. You know, just this once. I promise that if I ever somehow get a major award nomination, I'll suit up.
• It looks like Chris Brown is going to make it through this whole performance without having a temper tantrum. Good for him!
• Kelly Clarkson is a country artist now? Sure, why not.
• I appreciate male country artists making it obvious that they are country artists by always wearing a cowboy hat. So they're either country artists, or maybe actual cowboys.
• This show has a lot of commercials. They probably could have trimmed the whole broadcast down to 2 hours without all this garbage. This is commercial ridiculousness on par with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies when they're shown on TV.
• Rihanna's music makes my ears feel like they've been raped. At least I think this is Rihanna. It may just be someone having a seizure. She also does not appear to be singing at all, and not one seems to care. If she doesn't have the microphone near her mouth and words are still happening, that's usually a pretty dead giveaway.
• Oh, some Giants players... Moving on.
• Has anyone ever been more involved in the world of music without actually contributing anything to it than Ryan Seacrest?
• While I was busy being snarky about Ryan Seacrest, I missed the explanation of why these people are singing Beach Boys songs. And now the real Beach Boys are singing? Did you know that one time I saw The Beach Boys in concert (but not with Brian Wilson because he hadn't rejoined the other guys yet)? You do now.
• I wonder how hard it is to learn the harmonica. Not enough people use the harmonica in their music.
• Kate does not approve of the amount of standing ovations given at award shows.
• I don't know who these people are, but this music sounds like country music and the guy isn't wearing a cowboy hat. I guess I was wrong about my earlier assumption. Goddam country artists, trying to confuse me.
• Taylor Swift's backing band appears to have to time-traveled from either Little House on the Prairie or The Grapes of Wrath. Those probably aren't even close to the same era, but all the clothing from way back in the past looks pretty much the same to me because I just don't care.
• This show obviously needs more NPH and less LL Cool J.
• There are a lot of British people on this program.
• I don't think that is Katy Perry's natural hair color. Just a guess.
• I am apparently not paying close enough attention. They just said Adele has won 4 awards tonight, but I have only seen her onstage twice. What kind of ridiculous shenanigans are these?!? They must be giving out awards during the commercials. Probably unimportant ones, like "Best Performance by a British Person Who Is Currently Chewing a Huge Wad of Gum." Adele won that one for sure.
• Someone needs to make a sweet mashup of "Rhinestone Cowboy" and "Like a Virgin." There's something there, I'm sure of it.
• I wonder if Glen Campbell has any idea who these goons onstage with him are. He's like infinity years older than they are.
• Bon Iver should have prepared a speech ahead of time so he could say "Uh" a bit less frequently. If this had been a drinking game, his speech would have resulted in somewhere around 12 shots. It was apparently so awkward that they cut him off and went to commercial.
• Nicki Minaj is trying to outweird Lady Gaga. This is going to have dire ramifications for all of us. This is what the Mayans were warning us about. Also, this song is terrible. This is what music is now?
• Is there a place backstage for the artists to store their awards when they go back to their seats, or do they keep them under the chairs?
• It looks like this thing is finally over. I bet Lady Gaga is sad that she wore that ridiculous outfit and didn't get to show everyone while onstage. Poor Gaga.

-Jon

You're a Real Asshole, Autocorrect Inventor

Seriously, what is your deal? I'm trying to be a good citizen, texting as fast as possible before the light turns green, and your stupid bullshit makes me send loads of nonsensical texts. Yeah, I probably should double check before hitting Send, but the guy in the Explorer behind me has been tailgating me for the last 3 miles and I'm thinking that pissing him off is probably the wrong move. Dammit, Autocorrect, you're going to get my ass kicked!

More baffling than some of the corrections are some of the things it leaves alone. In a given day/week/month/year, how often does someone really use the word "tine"? Obviously that's supposed to say "time" you cockgobbler!! Do you think I have some sort of weird fork fetish? Is tine suddenly a common word in everyday speech? Maybe if you live in Atlantis and are talking about tridents a lot, but last I checked that isn't the case for anyone I know. So the phone will leave gibberish like "What tine are you going?" but feels the compulsion to make me look foolish by autocorrecting to "Hey, where the he'll are you?" Nice one, you son of a bitch.

I get the same problem with "hone" versus "home," which seems to fall into the same category. No normal person uses the word "hone" in a text message. And nobody, normal or not, says something like "Ok, I'll be hone in like half an hour." This expensive thing should assume that I'm going to be using common words as opposed to writing fancy things about honing stuff.

In other news, when the he'll is Slick going to be posting something? He's probably sitting at hone right now, all the tine in the world, and not writing. How selfish.

-Jon

Oh You Silly Rappers...

You guys say the most ridiculous things.

There are lots of good rappers. Well, probably less now than there were back when I used to listen to more rap, but at least some of them probably don't suck. Mostly because I bet some of the guys I listened to before still rap. But sometimes, whether it's because they need to squeeze words into a particular rhyme scheme or just because they've got nothing else that works, they say things that are just ridiculous. And yeah, most of these are going to be old since all old music is better than all new music. It's just a rule of nature.

"I woke up out that coma 2001 / Bout the same time Dre dropped 2001" - The Game

First off, using the same word or phrase isn't really rhyming. But more importantly, the unfortunately titled album 2001 was actually released in November of 1999, whereas The Game (who apparently only goes by Game now) was in a coma in October of 2001. I would think that someone who claims to have so much respect for West Coast rap would be more aware of that fact.

"I'm sick, you couldn't measure my dick with six rulers." - Big Punisher

I'm not sure if Big Pun (may he rest in peace) if suggesting that he possesses a 6-foot wang, but that's just ridiculous. The logistics alone would be unmanageable. He'd need a completely custom wardrobe, although he might need that anyways being of the... overweight persuasion, not to mention that anytime he got "excited" he'd be risking an assault charge.

Hey, I'm all for ridiculous bravado and outrageous exaggerations, but this seems really uncomfortable.

"Fifty fear no man, warrior, swing swords like Conan." - 50 Cent

"So the pen is mightier than the sword, my Lord" - Jay-Z

At first glance, neither of these lyrics seems absurd. However, you might notice that have one word in common. And the ridiculousness of both of them stem from that common word, "sword," which both rappers pronounce with heavy emphasis on the "W." Maybe in 50's case, he's trying to preserve the alliterative effect of the phrase "swing swords," but I can't figure out the reasoning behind Jay-Z's awful pronunciation. Maybe I just don't understand rap music's deeper meanings, like intentionally mispronouncing common words.

"In this white man's world, I'm simular to a squirrel" - 50 Cent

Nope, that's not a typo. He really says "simular."

Another 50 Cent quote, and from the same song as the previous one. He's not the only rapper to make this ear-grating vowel transposition, but he's the one that stuck out most prominently in my mind. There's no "U" in similar, and there never was. It's like the person is trying to mix "similar" and "simulate" into one word.

Changing a vowel can have drastic consequences as well. The phrase, "Wow, I took like 8 shots in a row at the bar last night!" has a whole new meaning if you switch the "O" in shots to an "I"...

"What's next? What's next? What's N-X-E-T?" - Warren G

Seriously? I mean... what is this supposed... how can you just... I mean it's not even... sigh.

Did nobody listen to these tracks before the CD came out? Or, potentially worse, did people listen to them and not notice this glaring error? I guess lyrics don't come with spellcheck.

This is just a tip of the iceberg, as I didn't even feature anything from Wu-Tang, who spit some of the most absurd claims ever to be captured on record. Or from Lil Wayne, who I avoided just on principle, but I'm sure could provide enough fodder for his own featured appearance. Which he won't get. Because I hate his music.

-Jon

Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen

It's one thing to sit down, watch a few episodes of a show, formulate a coherent opinion of the good parts and bad parts of said show, and write a well-thought-out, informative piece on it.

That seems like an awful lot of work, and doesn't really fit in with what we do here. Seriously, read the mission statement up at the top left.

Instead, what I'm going to do is judge shows completely based on their commercials. A ridiculously high number of commercials that I see while watching TV shows are commercials for other TV shows. I really need to start taking better advantage of the DVR...

Mob Wives - You know how growing up is filled with drama? Basically starting in middle school, people are constantly worried about who's dating whom, what's being said about other people, who did what when and where, and all that crap. This probably continues for a lot of people through high school and maybe into college. However, most of us grow up at some point, and usually by the mid-20s this bullshit has lost its appeal to pretty much anyone that's worth hanging out with.

This show appears to be about what happens if you never stop being a drama queen, and are also Italian.

The fact that there are shows like this on television makes me sad to be a human being. On another note, have you ever noticed that the people who are like "I'm so tired of drama" are always the ones who are waist-deep in it? They're probably the fanbase for this show. And based on that, I'm going to have to assume that this show sucks donkey dongs.

I Get That a Lot - From the commercials, this appears to be a show where celebrities pretend they aren't celebrities, and then when people recognize them (which I have to assume is immediately for some of these people), they say "I get that a lot." Seriously, who wouldn't recognize AC Slater if he was pretending to be a pizza delivery guy? So I guess the point of the show is that they just lie to regular people. Once you're caught trying to fool someone, it stops being a practical joke and just becomes sad. I guess it's not enough that they have millions of dollars, they also have to make us look like jerks. What a bunch of assholes. This show probably sucks monkey scrotum.

Alcatraz - This show looks kind of cool. A bunch of people disappear from Alcatraz prison in some kind of supernatural event, and then reappear years later and start fucking shit up? Yeah, I'll buy into that. Obviously there are major issues in that these hardened criminals show up way later and seem to have no problems slipping back into a life of crime despite the incredible changes that have occurred in the past few years. I think that someone who magically transported to today from even 15 years ago would have a hard time adjusting, so it's a little sketchy that someone from 30-40 years ago would just be like "yeah, that's cool," but that's for the writers to figure out.

On the other hand, JJ Abrams has a hand in this, and he was a real asshole at the end of Lost after promising answers and then just saying everyone was dead the whole time. For this show, it will probably all end up being a dream of some coma victim, and Abrams will be laughing all the way to the bank, shouting "Haha, I got you all again you stupid bastards!!" out the sunroof of his limo, which is filled with champagne and topless supermodels. I'll give this show a chance, and a potential rating of "this seems like a cool idea, but in the end it will probably piss everyone off and they'll be like, 'what a load of horseshit!'"

Two Broke Girls - Since I watch How I Met Your Mother regularly and this show is on after it (which I believe is called a "lead" and is based on the idea that if someone watches HIMYM, they may lose the remote during that half hour and just sit there and watch the next show regardless of quality), I get to see a lot of commercials for it. A LOT!! From every commercial, it appears to be about two girls that work in a diner and, presumably, do not have much money. I guess the appeal is supposed to be that one of them (the daughter from The 40-Year Old Virgin) has large boobs and the other seems like Paris Hilton. And every single joke in the commercials is painfully set up. I realize that most people are morons (a topic that I believe has been covered on this site in detail), but you can write funny television without basically flashing a neon sign that says "Look, here comes a joke!"

This show seems like it could be tolerable in small doses, but in the long run it will probably just be annoying.

This year is off to a torrid pace of posts. I sincerely doubt that it will be maintained.

-Jon

These Commercials Are Just Terrible

What better way to ring in a new year than by taking a verbal dump all over some awful commercials that wrapped up the last one? Also, this is Jon, which I feel I need to clarify every time I start off a post with any sort of angry reference because everyone assumes it's going to be Slick. I have emotions too, people!!

First up is every commercial in the "I think I'm a rich person now even though I'm a stupid asshole" line of commercials from some wireless cell phone company. So what they're saying is that saving a couple hundred dollars a year makes you think all of a sudden that you drive a sweet Bentley? How stupid are these people? The icing on the cake is the commercial where the lady thinks she's going to buy the Crown Jewels with all her extra dough. I have personally seen said jewels, and they are not just sitting out in a glass case in a museum. They are inside a crazy vault inside the Tower of London. More importantly, they are not guarded by Americans, although they apparently are in this commercial. I guess that the main idea of these commercials is that buying their phone makes you dumber. Fuck you, whatever phone company you are.

Chloe would be upset with me if I did not include the Kia Soul commercial where a bunch of robots are at war with each other until some hamsters show up and dance to "Party Rock" (may not actually be the name of the song, but who cares) and then all the robots dance. Ignoring the fact that this is a car commercial that gives me literally zero information about the car it's advertising, Chloe's issue is that dancing robots and dancing hamsters need to get the hell off the TV screen, and she will bark at them until they do.

Next up we have the Robitussin Relief Finder commercial. Why is the "star" of this commercial an orangutan? Do many apes use Robitussin? Why is it wearing a scarf and slippers but no other clothes? It doesn't make any fucking sense!!!

Finally, we'll close with the commercials for another phone, which I think is the HTC from someone who makes phones. These commercials are the ones where people keep walking up and talking to either a pair of guys or a pair of girls who are always like, "that's so 20 seconds ago" or some other hipster-like bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry that I was trying to be helpful but didn't realize that at some point you two were elected co-presidents of Douchebagistan. Please forgive my insolence. I understand that the purpose of these commercials is to exaggerate how awesome this phone is, but have you ever actually tried to upload a video to Facebook? It's not a 3 second procedure like the commercial makes it seem. It's actually a huge pain in the ass, and half the time it fails because Facebook's uploading program is complete shit. They should put that into a commercial, with people getting pissed because after they've tried to upload a video or a whole bunch of photos, they get an error message instead and fling their phone across the room. But, since the phone is so beastly, it still works after smashing into a wall. That would get me to buy a phone.

Also, that guy comes over letting them know someone at the company is leaving, and they've already had the party for him. Seriously, a 25 second party? What a bunch of assholes.

Stay tuned for my upcoming post, "Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen." It should be epic.

Happy New Year. May yours be filled with hilarious blog posts. Or informative ones. Or delicious ones.

-Jon