This Needs to Stop

This may have been addressed in previous facebook rantings (I'll be damned if I'm actually going to check), but lately I've noticed a lot more of this terrible trend. I'm speaking of course about the facebook status that goes a little something like this.

Dear somebody who is obviously not my facebook friend,
Your feet smell. Please put your shoes back on. Nobody wants to smell your stankass feet.
Sincerely,
Passive Aggressive Bitch

Seriously? C'mon man. Now, you may be trying to be funny so that all of your friends can LOLZ at how witty and clever you are. Brief aside, I'm not sure why there's a "Z" in LOL. But then again, I"m not sure why people use LOL. I much prefer a simple "haha." But maybe that's just me. But getting back to these PAB (passive aggressive bitches), if you're really upset enough to write some whack-ass status about how angry you are, instead of just being a PAB, why don't you just do something to rectify the situation. Like a PAB I saw on facebook had this as her status update:

Dear General Practitioner in the horrid dress,
Having your MD does not entitle you to talk to me like I'm an idiot, at least I'm smart enough not to wear that dress

Vomit. Let's ignore the fact that you may be an idiot because it should be "don't speak to me like I'm an idiot" not "talk to me like I'm an idiot," because hey, speaking properly is overrated. So fuck it. Let's also ignore the fact that you're clearly a bitch and are mocking someone's attire to an online community who has no idea what the fuck you're talking about. "Oh was her wearing an ugggly dresss. LOLZ" Ignoring both of those for the sake of brevity, let's tackle the real issue at hand. If you feel offended/strongly enough that you put this as your status update, instead of being a PAB why don't you just address the issue. If someone speaks to you like you're an idiot, just saying something like, "Hey, I don't appreciate being spoken to like that," and either two things will happen.

Either,
A.) They'll continue to speak to you like you're a moron. She may do that thing where she acts like she's not being a bitch, but really she's really being a patronizing bitch. You know what I mean. But at least you'll be able to have some standing if you decide to complain. You can say that you tried remedying the situation, but she continues to be demeaning.

or

B.) There's always the slight chance that she may treat you like a human being. Slight chance. Call it 3.56% likely. I like this option better because in that case, I don't have to see your stupid ass status update.

But then again, they won't do anything because they're a passive aggressive bitch.

Also, funny thing. You almost never see this kind of thing from a guy . . . well . . . I mean straight guys.

And yes, I see the hypocrisy in writing a blog post telling people who don't read this blog to stop doing something instead of just telling those people they should stop doing something. But on facebook I either just unfriend them or block them because as Ron White once said, you can't fix stupid. And I wrote this blog mostly so that you people can have a nice LOLZ.

I still don't get why the "Z" is there.

-Slick

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume VI: Jason Owen

In a move that will certainly anger dedicated mmmmopinion reader Melissa, I have to make fun of Jason Owen. And of course, by Jason Owen I mean Jake Owen. But I think his name should be Jason so that's what I'm going to call him. But before we get to Jason and his cliched piece of shit "Barefoot Blue Jean Night," I have to address some criticisms from my last Lyrical Genius post regarding the beautiful and talented Kimberly Perry. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Kathryn and Melissa. So yeah, maybe there are some pictures where Miss Perry looks like a bag of smashed assholes. So what? There's also pictures where she's been airbrushed and looks absolutely smoking. And I'm not the kind of person who makes judgments based on what people actually look like. I'm not that shallow. Instead, I make judgments based on pictures where every imperfection has been removed. That's just the kind of guy I am. So you hold your tongue the next time you want to insult someone who's only flaw is that they want to share their beautiful gift of music with you.

Alright, so Jason Owen sucks a lot of dick. Interesting fun fact about Mister Owen: his real name isn't Jason or Jake. It's actually Joshua. But Joshua isn't hillbilly enough to sell country music so he had to adopt the stage name Jake or some shit. None of this is in any way important/relevant. I just wanted to share some information I learned from wikipedia. But whatever he wants to call himself, this song really just epitomizes the worst about country music and music in general. Look at these lyrics and try to tell me that it takes more than a 2nd grade education to write this shit. YOU CAN'T.

A full moon shining bright
Edge of the water we were feeling alright

Oh god, it's only been two fucking lines and it's already terrible. Is there ever a country song that doesn't take place on the edge of the water? What was it, that ass in the sand song? I swear to god, the entire facebook community used those lyrics. Christ, if this thing is only half finished when it gets posted it's because I went to kill myself.

Back down a country road

Of course it is. The only way to get to any body of water is down a country road. Why don't you people invest in some fucking infrastructure?

The girls are always hot and the beer is ice cold

That's what happens when you put beer in ice and only invite good looking girls to hang out with you.

Cadillac, horns on the hood

The only thing that makes this funny is that I keep picturing the guy from the Simpsons who has a pair of longhorns attached to his car. I thought that was a joke. I didn't know people actually did that. No wonder this country is turning to shit.

My buddy Frankie had his dad hook him up good

Now, keep in mind that Jason Owen is 30 years old. So either he's hanging out with, I don't know, like 17 year olds OR he and his friends are still using their dads' cars. I'd say it's about 50/50. I really can't decide which is more likely.

Girls smile when we roll by

Who'd have thought that girls would take advantage of guys with nice cars. Mind ... BLOWN.

They hop in the back and we cruise to the riverside

That's twice, TWICE, in the first eight lines of the song that Jason has to tell you that they're hanging out by the water. "Oh, do you not get to hang out by the water? Cause my buddy's dad has some lakeside property. It's pretty sweet. You should come by some time and bring some chicks, but no fatties or uggos. And bring some beer, but only if it has two bars showing. That's how you know it's supercold. Down by the water."

Never gonna grow up

Barf.

Never gonna slow down

Puke.

We were shinin like lighters in the dark in the middle of a rock show

That doesn't even make any fucking sense.

We were doin' it right

Doing what right? Hanging out by the water drinking beer? You can do that in Ludlow when you're 14.

We were comin' alive

WILD TIMES A'COMIN'.

Yeah, caught up in a Southern, summer barefoot bluejean night

"They said I couldn't get 4 adjectives in the last line of the chorus, but I totally did it anyway."

Blue eyes and auburn hair
Sittin' lookin' pretty by the fire in a lawn chair

Oh good, I was hoping for a lawn chair reference.

New to town, and new to me
Her ruby red lips was sippin' on sweet tea

Country roads. Horns on cars. Bluejean nights. Sweet tea. If this song gets any more country it's going to try to fuck it's sister.

Shot me a look like a shootin' star

What the fuck does that even mean? Nothing in this song makes any sense. It's just a collection of words. Douchetard.

So, I grabbed a beer and my ol' guitar

Oh fuck, of course you did. "Hey there's a girl I haven't banged yet. Well wait until I dust off the old pipes. Then she'll be dustin' off my pipe, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!"

Then we sat around till the break of dawn
Howlin' and singin' our favorite song

Did I not tell you crazy times were a'comin? I TOLD YOU CRAZY TIMES WERE A COMIN! Holy shit! Drinking beer around a fire and singing, NOBODY PARTIES LIKE WE DO! Oh shit, is it already dawn cause Frankie's got to get his dad's car back before 8.

That was the worst one so far.

-Slick

Fruit Fone vs. Fruit Fone

I had to spell "phone" incorrectly so that I could make all the words start with F. And it's been almost a full year since the last ___ vs. ___ topic, which makes me sad about all the time I've wasted by not writing hilarious blog posts. My life, while still awesome, has not lived up to the level of awesomeness that I've come to expect from myself.

I recently had to acquire a new phone after mine decided to stop working in the most annoying way possible. My options were to pay several monies for a fancy new phone, pay less monies for a less fancy phone that was actually the precursor to my phone (which would have actually made my "upgrade" a downgrade, and I said "fuck that"), or pay some monies for a phone that was outclassed by a newer model, but still probably at least as fancy as my current phone/paperweight.

If you were able to follow that last paragraph, congratulations! You're at least as crazy as I am! That's probably not a good thing. Grapefruit monkeys!!

Anyways, I ended up switching from my Blackberry Bold to an Apple iPhone 3GS. Let's see which one is superior! Obviously a categorical breakdown is the best way to settle this.

Blackberry Bold (with some numbers) vs. Apple iPhone 3GS

Ease of Texting

I'm talking Day 1, just out of the box ease. Obviously after a few months with any phone, you're probably going to get pretty good at sending messages to people.

My old Blackberry had the full keyboard that you could touch all the keys, as opposed to that weird one that you could actually click the screen. I like being able to touch the keys. Especially when I have to type the same letter twice in a row. In the 3 days that I've been using the iPhone, I have not once successfully hit the same letter twice in a row. Apparently I type too quickly for the iPhone to pick up my clicks. That's dumb.

Goddam touch screens.

On the other hand, if you and the person you're texting both have iPhones, you can send them whales. That's pretty cool. Big whales, medium whales, little whales, it's all possible with the iPhone.

Round 1: While whales are awesome, this round goes to Blackberry.

Camera

It's 2011, and somehow I own a phone whose camera doesn't come with a flash. What kind of ridiculous bullshit is that? How am I supposed to take hilarious pictures of a dopey-faced Odin without a flash? It's just going to look like I'm taking pictures of darkness.

Round 2: Blackberry

Calling Someone While Driving

When I wanted to call someone on my Blackberry, all I had to do was start typing their name and their name would pop up. Then I could click the green phone button and that was that. Calling someone from my iPhone requires all sorts of shenanigans. I am pretty sure I can do it by using the Search feature, but I'm trying to drive here! Maybe I can set up voice-dialing or something. Otherwise, you're going to have to call me if I'm in the car. Also, the top ridge of my iPhone sort of digs into my ear. What's that about?

Do people even still use phones to call each other, or is it all texts now?

Round 3: Blackberry

Texting While Driving

Texting while driving is illegal, so this round cannot be decided without violating the law. Which I don't do. Even though texting is super easy, and shouldn't impact your ability to drive a car.* But if it was legal, I think it would be easier on the Blackberry since you can actually touch the keys instead of randomly guessing where on the screen your stupidly fat thumbs might be.

Round 4: Tie, I guess. That's sort of a copout, but I've heard that it's not a good idea to promote illegal activities on the internet.

Apps

Is this round even a contest? I am pretty sure my Blackberry does not have Angry Birds. Even if it does, there's no touch screen so how am I supposed to make pinpoint accurate shots to trash those stupid pigs. I'm also very sure that Blackberry App World sucks donkey balls compared to the App Store. I can't remember exactly, but I think you have to download an app so that you can download apps. What kind of ridiculous bullshit is that?

Round 5: Apple

Talking to Someone on the Phone

Call quality seems better with the iPhone, but I haven't tried doing other things while talking on the phone, which I could do with the Blackberry. That was especially useful when I had to check my calendar to decide if I could take on additional officiating assignments, because it's always nice to acquire more assignments as they often lead to more dollars. The iPhone still hurts my ear sometimes though.

Round 6: Tie pending future testing of the iPhone's multitasking capabilities.

Battery Life

My Blackberry usually could go about 3 days between charging, although that could sometimes vary depending on how much I did with it. That was also assuming I turned the phone off every night, since I wasn't going to be taking any messages while I slept. It also had an awesome feature where you could set an alarm, and it would automatically turn itself on to wake you up. That is a genius idea.

So far, the iPhone seems to have a battery life of around 40 hours. However, I don't know if this is going to be a consistent amount since I haven't really gotten many apps yet and this 40 hour estimate is only based on 2 chargings, not exactly a large sample size.

Round 7: Blackberry. Having to charge my phone annoys me when I can't do it overnight.

GPS

The GPS on Kate's old iPhone was absolute garbage. It gave you a route, but if you missed a turn or weren't exactly where the phone thought you were, it didn't update, leading me to several instances of rage when we were in unfamiliar places. So I wasn't exactly expecting great things on my new phone.

Turns out that there have been some updates or something, because it works a little better on my iPhone. The GPS on my Blackberry was pretty good, but it usually took a really long time to figure out where I was, and often told me that the GPS was unavailable.

Round 8: Neither are great, but the iPhone one seems a bit easier to use. Apple wins this one.

Internet Browsing

The built in browser for Blackberry is garbage. The built in browser for the iPhone is Safari, which I find to be much better than garbage. I also tried getting the Opera browser for my Blackberry because it was supposed to be kickass. Instead, it constantly crashed, stopped responding to clicks, and would not shut down unless I pulled out the battery from the back of the phone. So I went back to the regular browser, which is about as fast as Chloe climbing a flight of stairs. Nice work Blackberry.

Round 9: Apple

Calendar

It's really easy to sync my iPhone with my computer to keep my calendars updated. It was not really easy to sync my Blackberry with my computer to do the same. This might be because both the iPhone and my computer are Apple products, but the important thing is that I like things that should be simple to actually be simple.

Round 10: Apple

Ok, that was a fairly extensive series of tests, but phones are serious business. Especially when you use them for a calendar, text machine, email, etc. We live in a constantly connected world these days, so you can't risk falling behind because you're rocking a Zack Morris phone.

Winner

And the winner is... my old Blackberry for now, with the caveat that I am pretty sure I'm going to end up liking the iPhone more in the future. After 21 months with my Bold, I was very comfortable with everything it did and how it did these things. After 6 days with my iPhone, I am still a little overwhelmed by everything. Plus it made moving my super sweet "Frog's Theme" ringtone from my computer to my phone a huge pain in the ass at work the other day.

Check with me in 3 months, and I might be singing a different tune.

-Jon

*Unless you are from CT, in which case your driving ability is already terrible and you should focus exclusively on driving when you're behind the wheel. No phones, no food, no music, just drive your car in the way a normal human being would do it. Which means not doing 60 in the left lane.

A Challenger Approaches

Remember that certain cable company that we've had such fantastic dealings with in the past? You should, since it's literally the last post that was here. If you don't, you may need to get your brain examined, since it's not working correctly and may be a sign of a more serious issue. And more importantly, a new company has entered the fray in the competition for "Who Can Piss Me Off the Most By Providing Shitacular Customer Service." It's a prestigious award. This new company shall be known as Shmay Shmee and Shmee, just so that I hopefully won't get creepy stalker guys commenting.

My phone randomly started a neat new trick, which was to constantly assume I was pressing the center "Confirm" button. This results in continually starting email drafts, sending half-typed text messages, making me nearly unable to call anyone, randomly muting and unmuting me when someone calls, and lots of other sweet benefits. As you can probably guess, this does not make me happy.

So Kate tells me that I can check online if I'm eligible for an upgrade. That seems like a pretty useful feature. I haven't ever tried to access the account online, so obviously I'll have to register first. This consists of entering my phone number and the last 4 digits of my SS number, both of which I know. Also, since I'm on the account as an approved user or whatever stupid asshat policy they enforce there, this should go smoothly.

Why, oh why, do I ever think things will go smoothly when dealing with large corporations?

Of course it turns into an absolute disaster, involving one of the slowest helpers of all time. She was very friendly, but everything took like 5 minutes. And then they sent me a temporary password so that I could log on. Which wasn't that helpful, since every time I try to open a text message, my phone starts clicking all crazily and makes it nearly impossible to read anything.

I did finally get logged in, and it looks like I have insurance on my phone. Hopefully it covers the phone getting stuck in the drywall, since that's about 3 minutes away from happening. Sorry this wasn't funnier, but I am so angry right now that I can't be humorous.

-Jon

The Latest Encounter with The Company That Shall Not Be Named

Ah yes, loyal mmmmopinions readers will remember Jon's famous rant against The Company and the followup comments he received from their service department. Hilarious? Absolutely. Creepy? YOU BET! But now that Jon's left for greener pastures and Matt has moved to New York to actually do something with his life (overachiever) it leaves me to deal with The Company. And let me tell you, The Company is dumber than a bag of pugs.

Let me set the scene for you: Tuesday, September 13th. 3:00 P.M. A roguishly handsome young man, about 23, sits down at his computer to order the NFL Redzone package for greater NFL viewing pleasure. Wow, roguishly handsome and smart to boot, quite a catch for the young ladies in the greater 413 area. After navigating The Company's convoluted website filled with trials that would rival those of Hercules, he somehow manages to complete his order with limited cursing and minor cuts and bruises. SETUP AN INSTALLATION APPOINTMENT is all that sets him apart from that sweet, sweet Redzone awesomeness. "I'm sure if I try to call these shitheads I'll end up murdering someone, so I'll just chat online with one of their operators. I mean, it is The Company, they should probably have that shit figured out right?" the rogue says to himself. HUGE MISTAKE. So the rogue begins chatting with an online operator, Samantha C. Everything is going swimmingly until Samantha drops a bombshell. "Sweetest rogue, it appears you aren't an authorized user on this account, I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to complete your order."

STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS! You took my goddamn money for the last two months for the bill, why wouldn't you add a service in which I would then have to pay you more money? "Oh, it's for security purposes." FUCK YOU, Samantha C. Dumb bitch. What? I paid $260 in order to set up the account holder for $10/month for 6 months? MUAHAHAHAHAHA. DIABOLICAL! Are you fucking kidding me? There didn't seem to be any security concerns when you greedy fucks took my money, but now I want to pay you more money and all of a sudden I'm someone who can't be trusted? What kind of bullshit two-bit operation are running? Oh yeah, now I remember, a really really shitty one. Stupid ballsuckers.

So then I had Jon do it. Took 5 minutes. Now I have the Redzone channel. Sweet.

However, if I suddenly go missing make sure you point the authorities in the direction of The Company.

-Slick

Bill and Jon's Excellent Beer-Making Adventure

There's an old adage about food that says something like "if you make it yourself, it's always going to taste better than something someone else makes for you." I'm not exactly sure that's true (I've had some pretty delicious cheeseburgers prepared for me that I don't think I could recreate), but it is true that if you make something for others, they'll tell you it's good even if it's not. Unless you're at a restaurant or on Iron Chef, in which case no matter what you do, people will say it's not that great.

With that in mind, I decided that I wanted to brew beer. This was made especially easy after Kate got me a sweet brewkit for my birthday. Boil kettle, fermentation bucket, bottling bucket, siphon tubes, bottle wand, hydrometer, capper, the whole works. Plus all the ingredients to make my first beer! I could either use all the hops and aim for an IPA, or leave out the last hop addition and get a hoppy pale ale. I chose IPA. Might as well go all out.

To assist me in my efforts slash help me make a mess of the kitchen, Bill came up. I figure if one person with no idea what's going on can make a beer (according to my books and the guy at Brewtopia), then two people with no idea what's going on can make a beer that's twice as disastrous!

I started the first 2 gallons of water boiling before Bill arrived since watching water boil is about as exciting as... well, watching water boil. I also put the grain bag in there, so when he walked in (with a sweet Iced Mocha Latte for me!), there was already a nice grainy aroma permeating the kitchen. We quickly took care of our lattes and got serious about brewing, which basically means that we started drinking Pumpkinhead and let the water keep boiling. I kid you not, the first step in my instructions is "Relax. Don't worry. Have a homebrew." As this was my first batch of beer, no homebrew was available, but the directions said it was ok to substitute a different craft beer.

Once we hit the boiling point, things started to get crazy. Bill took the steaming hot grain bag outside to dump the grain while I started adding malt. And also the priming sugar, which I was not supposed to do, but I got a little over excited mixing things into the pot and it wasn't labeled. So that was mistake #1. I also stuck the first hop addition back into the grain bag, tossed it into the boil and set my clock for 60 minutes. I am not sure the grain bag is supposed to be used for hops, but I have no way to filter the hops out of the wort, so my options are a bit limited at the present.

Two more hop additions with 30 minutes to go and 5 minutes to go, and the "beer" was done. We put 3 more gallons of water into the fermentation bucket, I prepped the yeast and we started cooling our wort. Sadly, I was very impatient and only let the beer cool down to about 90 degrees before I decided to pitch my yeast. This was mistake #2. The ideal temperature for yeast is about 65-70 degrees, which I only learned about a week later. However, the yeast packet told me to activate it at 86-92 degrees, so I thought maybe things would be ok.

After about 9 days, the air lock on my fermentation bucket still hadn't done anything. Thinking that obviously I had killed the yeast with the high temperature, I picked up a second packet at the homebrew shop in Northampton where I learned an interesting fact. Apparently with the high humidity of the summer, sometimes the lid on the fermentation bucket can't seal completely, so the air escapes out the sides of the lid instead of through the air lock. The guy told me to pop the top and check for signs of fermentation. And it's a good thing I did (although I would have had to pop the top anyways since I was going to pitch a second yeast packet), as the beer had fermented! I decided to let it go a couple more days to account for the extra sugar and make sure the yeast had eaten everything. Go yeast! So it turns out that mistake #3 was thinking I had made a huge mistake and being wrong about it. Not too bad.

Finally, 13 days after brew day, it was time to bottle. I am a little paranoid about sanitation, so pretty much everything that touches the beer is doubled sanitized. Siphoning the beer into the bottling bucket was super easy (and a lot of fun) with my tubes, and I think I might get a second siphon to use as a pug sprayer. Then I started the bottling process. Bottling is also really easy, but I think next time I'm going to want a second person around to help. Or I'm going to need to evolve a second pair of arms. It was simple enough to fill a few bottles and cap them, but I think an assembly line process would just be smoother.

All in all, I ended up with 41 bottles of beer along with a puddle on the floor. That seems like a low total, so I'll have to check next time that I used enough water. It should be ready to drink by Labor Day weekend, so I'm pretty excited. You know, assuming that no hurricanes destroy it.

-Jon

Theory Vs. Application:

A Study of the Human Response to Several Common Stimuli In the Area of Automobile Piloting and Navigation

With my move to the northern portion of the state, I find myself driving a bit more than I did while living in the more Portuguese section of western Massachusetts. Not only does this give me many more opportunities to hate other people, I am almost positive that it's going to be taking several years off my lifespan. On the plus side, it gives you the opportunity to read some high quality ranting. The following is based on a completely (non)scientific study.

Situation: A police car parked in a construction zone on the highway, lights flashing

What people should be thinking: I should be driving carefully, as the road conditions may not be up to handling the normal speed limit with this construction.

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, a cop!!!! I'm already going 20 mph below the speed limit, but I'd better slow down to 5 mph just to be safe!!

Situation: On a two-lane highway, a sign warns that one lane is closing a mile ahead

What people should be thinking: I probably should move over to the open lane within the next mile.

Actual thought process: Wait, what did that say? Eh, probably not important. Oh shit, my lane is ending! Guess I'll just cut this guy off and give him a thank you wave as he pulls into the guard rail.

Situation: A police officer has a car pulled over

What people should be thinking: I should move over, or if I can't, I should slow down

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, a cop!!! I need to drive as slow as possible to make sure he doesn't think I'm speeding just in case he decides to let that person off the hook, jump into his cruiser, and come pull me over instead. Plus then I can try to see if he pulled over a black guy.

Situation: A yield sign

What people should be thinking: If anyone is coming, I need to let them go first. Otherwise, it's my turn.

Actual thought process: Holy fucking shit, another car!!! I'd better floor it and get in front of it just so that I can get to my destination 2 seconds sooner. Safety be damned!!

Situation: A green traffic light changes to yellow

What people should be thinking: If it's safe to do so, I should stop. Otherwise, I should proceed cautiously through the intersection.

Actual thought process, option 1: Holy fucking shit, a yellow light!!! I'd better mash this gas pedal and blow through this intersection. I'm too important to be doing things like waiting at lights.

Actual thought process, option 2: Holy fucking shit, a yellow light!!! I'm going to stomp on my brakes and miss the stop line by a full 15 feet, blocking the crosswalk.

In case you're wondering, I witnessed all 5 of these situations today in a single trip to the dentist and back. Living up here is going to kill me.

-Jon

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume V: The Band Perry

That's right, this week we feature the Perry Family Band's offering "If I Die Young." Let me just begin by saying that I love this song. Like really unhealthily love it. Like possibly listened to 8 times in a row. Maybe. WHO KNOWS? That being said, the lyrics to this song are pretty dumb and nothing gives me more pleasure than making fun of other people's creativity. Also, as a sort of interesting backstory, The Band Perry is composed of three siblings. I just think that family bands must be really awkward when one of the band members wants to go bang a groupie. That just has to be an uncomfortable situation right? More interesting backstory, Kimberly Perry is like really, ridiculously good looking. So in the very unlikely chance that she and I ever end up dating, no one is to bring up this post where I bash her songwriting abilities? IS THAT CLEAR!?!? Under no circumstances is she to find out that Slick is really . . . no, wait. I can't divulge my secret identity. I've worked far too long to protect it. Finally, this song is not sung by Taylor Swift even though I was lied to and was told it was my girl T-Swifty. I should've known it wasn't her because it's not about an ex-boyfriend. I should always trust my Taylor Swift instincts, I knew it wasn't her but let myself get talked into it. Either way, let's just proceed to make fun of some lyrics.

If I die young, bury me in satin

Son of a bitch. I can already tell that this chick is going to be very high maintenance.

Lay me down on a bed roses

Ugh, fine. Let's go down to the flower shop and get this straightened out.

Me: How much would it cost to bury someone on a bed of roses?
Florist: Well that's going to set you back a pretty penny.
Me: Yeah I know but she really wanted it. So how much is it going to cost?
Florist: Well for a whole bed of roses you're going to need about 10 dozen roses. That's going to cost you about $600.
Me: How much for a bed of dandelions?

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me. WE JUST BURIED YOU, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SINK YOU IN A GODDAMN RIVER? Son of a bitch, I should've read her whole list of demands instead of just skimming the first couple words.

Send me away with the words of a love song

Not exactly the words I was thinking of right now.

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors

I bet you thought rainbows were just refracted light. Dumbass, obviously they're dead people.

Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray but she buries her baby

Ok, that's really sad. Even I'm not douchey enough to make fun of that. Ok, maybe I am. But I'm not going to.

The sharp knife of a short knife
Well, I've had just enough time

I'm not really sure what this means. Hopefully she explains it later.

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom

Me: I thought she was going to be wearing rainbow colors?
Me (after trying to think about it for 20 minutes): No, she's going to be a rainbow you jackass. She's going to be wearing white. GOD! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger

I don't know, maybe an Emerald? OMG! Maybe it's a chaos emerald and that's the reason she died so young.

No? No Sonic the Hedgehog fans? Whatever, I thought it was funny.

I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

This girl is obviously not from Ludlow.

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever

Even after you won't put out? Oh wait, I got it. This is sort of like that song by Meatloaf, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" where he's just saying whatever he's gotta say to get a lil' somethin' somethin'. Oh yeah, he'll love you forever. (wink wink)

Who would have thought that forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
I've had just enough time

YES! She did explain it. Phew, that was some really good foreshadowing. Wait, I still don't get the enough time thing. We're going to need the Hardy Boys to solve a mystery this big.

So put on your best, boys. I'll wear my pearls

A pearl necklace?

/definitely going to hell now

What I never did is done

head explodes

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar

After the cost of the funeral/unburial/burial at sea you'll be lucky to get a penny for your fucking thoughts. Greedy bitch.

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

Uhhh, no. It's the peace and quiet that's worth so much.

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing

Yeah, well I paid a whole penny for them. I don't have that kind of money to just throw away.

Funny, when you're dead how people start listenin'

And all it took was the death of one high maintenance prude. Who'da thunk it?

-Slick

Shaving . . .

sucks. Yup, it's mmmmopinion's second blog on shaving since May. But mine doesn't have fancy charts, it only has my usual poorly written paragraphs. But I'm not just going to tell you that shaving sucks, I'm going to tell you why shaving sucks, or probably more specifically, why I suck at shaving. Chances are if you've seen me in the last year, I had some sort of hobo stubble on my face. And by chances, I mean there was a 100% chance. That's right. Ol' Slick went an entire year without shaving. "But Slick," you protest, "Why didn't you have some sort of crazy ZZ Top beard?" Well, that's because every so often I would use my trusty WAHL beard trimmer. (WAHL, only the finest in home grooming!) But I caved. I gave into the peer pressure. I finally shaved. And let me tell you . . . shaving sucks.

Before I begin to tell you why shaving sucks, and I'm sure you're on pins and needles, let me tell you why I stopped shaving. The easy answer would be because I'm lazy. And that's also the correct answer. But it's also because since I've graduated from college, on 3 separate occasions someone has asked me if I have plans for school. And after I tell them I've already graduated, they all have the same reaction, "Oh well, it's just because you look so young. That's a good thing." Really? Fuck you, bitch. You made a mistake, just live with it.

So that's the background, now the actual shaving part. And here's where my stupidity really shines. Seriously, I may be the dumbest smart kid you know OR the smartest dumb kid. Now, one would think that when using sharpened metal blades on one's face, they would be sure to take the necessary time to do it right and do it safely. Nope. Not me. If I could shave my face in 3.5 seconds I would certainly give it a try. I'm like Peter Griffin with his desk fan razor. I don't know why I try to rush it. I just do. "What, it's been like 2 minutes already? WHY DOES THIS TAKE SO LONG? GAAAAAAH!!!!" And as you would imagine, I usually end up cutting myself. But don't worry, the ladies like a little blood on the neck so it works out alright. And as you also might have imagined, trying to set a world speed record lends itself to a sloppy performance. I can't tell you the number of times I've shaved right before leaving my house, only to realize that I've missed a pretty sizeable spot somewhere on my jaw line. And then I have to spend the entire time until I get back to my house worrying whether or everyone can see how much of a moron I am.

So not only do I suck at shaving because I have the attention span of a pug, but shaving sucks because it always makes my beard grow in itchier. That's just really aggravating because itchy beard means I have to shave again. And then the retarded cycle repeats itself.

2 posts in one week? It's a 2011 Slick record.

-Slick

A Few TV Shows You Should Be Watching

Seriously, it's summer and all the "real" stuff isn't on the air anymore. Why not support some silly summer shows so that they won't get FlashForwarded on me? The pain of that show being canceled with so many unanswered questions still stings from time to time. Probably like chlamydia.

• Burn Notice - There are already a whole bunch of people watching this, but a bunch more can't hurt. This show's got humor, explosions, people shooting other people and an intriguing story that has kept my attention for the last 4+ seasons. It also has the main character pretending to be all sorts of people, usually with funny voices. Plus, if you don't already watch it, you can start from the beginning and not have the cliffhanger endings from a couple of the seasons. Those are rough.
  One thing about this show that I don't get is how the Miami police are letting all these crimes and gunfights and explosions go off all over the city without getting a little concerned that something is wrong. They almost never show up, except when the plan involves the police showing up.
  The good news about this show is that it's already signed for at least one more season after this one. The bad news is that means there's almost certainly going to be another cliffhanger ending for season 5.


• Warehouse 13 - This show is kind of dumb. It's entertaining, but it's dumb. The basic premise is that pretty much anyone of any kind of importance in history was in possession of some sort of artifact that could affect the people around them or give them crazy powers or do something magical, generally something that will be a problem for others. The people who work at the warehouse are in charge of obtaining these artifacts and cataloging them, all the while maintaing secrecy and trying not to get killed. Yeah, it's pretty much as cheesy as it sounds. But it's funny and it's better than most of the crap that's on during the summer, which tends to be reality crapfests.


• The Secret Life of the American Teenager - Sorry, this one is supposed to be on a different list, A Bunch of TV Shows You Should Stop Watching Immediately Because They Are Terrible and They're Making You Even Dumber Than You Already Are. Sorry about that.


• Alphas - This show just started this summer and comes on after Warehouse 13, so they lured me in. "Alphas" are people who have extraordinary abilities like enhanced senses or hyperkinesis or superhuman strength from the flight-or-fight response. Much like Warehouse 13, there is a group of Alphas who try to find other Alphas and stop them from doing a lot of bad things. Also there is apparently some evil group of Alphas called "Red Flag," and they want to do bad things. This show, like Burn Notice, has lots of gunfights and explosions, so it's quality summer TV.

Well then. You've got DVR, so throw these in the queue. You can replace Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, as those shows just aren't doing anything positive.

-Jon

This Week In Lyrical Genius: Joan Osborne

Now you're probably thinking, why the hell did I come to mmmmopinions? Nobody even writes anything anymore. Now you're thinking, wait "lyrical genius" does that mean Slick is back? Now you're thinking, who the hell is Joan Osborne? And the answers to those questions are I'm sorry, yes, and that chick who the wrote the song about God being one of us. I had to go to North Adams today on business, and I heard this song on my way there. But oh my god, that trip takes so long. It takes about 45-50 minutes to get to Greenfield (aka the land of pugs) from my house, AND YOU'RE ONLY HALF WAY THERE!!!! I spent three hours in the car today and was annoyed. We are very fortunate that I wasn't in charge of colonizing America. "Six months in a boat? Are you kidding me? Fuck that, I'd rather just be one of the oppressed masses." That's assuming that I could have survived renaissance times and the colonial era without killing myself from having to eat nothing but slops and pig rectum. Delicious, delicious pig rectums. But anyway, I heard "One of Us" and decided that I should write a post about how crappy the lyrics are. So away we go:

If God had a name, what would it be?

Now as you know, I don't claim to be any sort of religious expert, but I'm fairly certain that God did have a name. I think it was Yahweh. If I remember Indiana Jones correctly, I'm pretty sure that was his name, except in Latin it's spelled with an "I." Nevertheless, a quick google search tells me that God told Moses his name was "I AM WHO I AM" which sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. It also sounds like something Descartes would say and that guy was such a douche.

And would you call it to his face?

Yeah, that's what names are for.

If you were faced with him and all his glory,
What would you ask if you had just one question?

Could you remake the last season of Lost so that it doesn't suck?

And yeah, yeah, God is great.

Noted.

Yeah, yeah, God is good.

But you just said . . . ? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Maybe?

What if God was one of us?

I'm pretty sure he was, and follow me on this argument. There's only one God, but he's got multiple identity disorder and thinks of himself as a trinity so he calls himself God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost, which sounds way more badass and terrifying). But Jesus, was somehow all human and all divine. I got into an argument with one of my professors on how that doesn't make any sense. She did not like that I was questioning her beliefs. I did not do well in that class. But anyway, if Jesus was divine and human, and Jesus is God or is part of God or is God's son but is also God, that makes God a human. Therefore, he is one of us. Suck on that bitch.

Just a slob like one of us?

I don't know. That's just so stupid I can't even think of anything funny to say.

Just a stranger on the bus
trying to make his way home

Do you realize how sad God's life is? Not only will nobody call him his name to his face, he's also a slob who's forced to take public transportation. No wonder Jesus just let himself get killed: crucifixion sounds a whole lot better than having to ride the bus with a bunch of slobby asshats.

If God had a face, what would it look like?
And would you want to see?

Fuck, one question at a time please. I imagine he would look something like Jesus but with less facial hair and sick abs. And yes, absolutely. Why? What do you know? Does he have some kind of deformity? Is that why he's so shy? Now I'm not so sure.

If seeing meant that you would have to believe . . .

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would make that trade. "I get to look upon the face of God, but only if I believe in him afterwards? That's a pretty tough bargain. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, LADY!"

in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and alllllllllllllll the prophets

Oh, well then fuck that. I can accept Jesus and heaven and all the normal stuff. But the saints and prophets are a bunch of cumguzzlers. Besides, the Catholic Church, for some reason, gets to decide who gets to be a saint. Why did they desanctify Saint Christopher? Now who's going to watch our asses on roads and highways? WE'RE ALL SCREWED.

Then she repeats the nonsense about the bus and stuff before getting into the dumbest part of the song.

Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone

Again, I'm no expert on religious matters, but isn't the idea that if you're a good person you get to go to heaven and chill out with God? Isn't that the whole reason for having a church? "Well yeah, you lived a good Christian life and saved all the blind, deaf schoolchildren from that fire, but here's the thing: God really likes his space and heaven's really more of a one bedroom apartment so . . . ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HELL YOU RAT BASTARD!!!! HAHAHAHA"

Nobody calling on the phone

This song came out in 1995, so there weren't any cellphones around. Can you imagine how expensive it would have been to run a landline to heaven? Plus, long distance calls were ridiculously expensive back then. I don't blame anyone for not calling. I mean, you're just going to see him on the bus again tomorrow, is there anything that's so important you can't wait one day?

'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Now here's my favorite/dumbest line in the entire song. If the Pope really needs to use a telephone to communicate with God, that's just so dumb it would make your head explode if you really thought about it. The Pope is supposed to be God's earthly representative or some bullshit like that, so I seriously doubt that if God really exists, that he would need a telephone. Although that might explain the whole church-child rape thing.

"What's that God? I can't quite hear you, there's a lot of static on my end? What did you say? Did you say rape little boys? That seems like a weird thing to say, but alright I guess if that's what you want." God told Abraham to kill his only son. The guy's a little fucked up. Maybe he really did say to rape the children. Dammit. Why did I have to use my one question on fixing Lost?

Well, I'm going to hell.

-Slick

A Year of New England Weather...

as told by Facebook. Where possible, I tried to write with the lack of intelligence present in 80% of Facebook posts, so that's why there are so many typos.

January 3rd - Once Christmas is over, winter is kind of stupid...

January 8th - Snow!!!!1!!! :) <3

January 27th - Soooooooo siiick of snow!! :(

February 2nd - Fuck you groundhog I dont want 6 more weeks of winter!!!!!!

March 5th - Almost spring!!!!

March 21st - OMG SPRING IS HERE!!! Time to dress like a skank!! (The second sentence is only for females, and is implied but not usually written)

March 30th - If this is suposed to be spring, how come its still only 40 degrees out?!?

April 6th - Snow? Seriously? God damit!!

April 20th - Soooooooo siiiiiick of rainnnnn!!

May 15th - Can't wait for summahhhhh!!

May 28th - More rain?? How can it rain this much?

June 12th - Hooray! Summer!!

June 21st - Woohoo! First day of summer!! (This one is doubly dumb since most people have already claimed it to be summer AND then post about the actual first day of summer. People suck.)

June 25th - I love summer!!

June 26th until August 31st - Alternate between complaining about the heat and complaining when it's raining.

September 1st - Bye bye summer... :(

October 12th - Wow, this is way too [pick hot or cold] for October!!

November 5th - Not looking forward to the cold weather...

December 1st - Christmas! Snow! Hooray winter!!

December 18th - First snowfall!! I <3 snow!!!!!!!!!

December 27th - I hate the cold!! :( Is it almost spring yet?

And that about does it. I should make up a checklist and see how close my randomly made up dates are to when I find something similar to this on my News Feed. That might be a fun game for like... 15 minutes or so.

-Jon

The Beer-hemoth VIII - Day 2

In case you were not aware of it, drinking in the sun is dangerous without the proper precautions. Kathryn might have taken things a bit too far with the SPF 70, but I guess I can't complain since I didn't get burned at all. We all drank plenty of water as well. And even with all that, we still ended up crashing in the hotel room after the session ended until we dragged ourselves out to dinner. I guess I'm getting old.

On the first day, we tried to focus on the tents from #11-#21, so tents 1 through 10 were on the docket for Day 2. Let's get drinking.

I kicked off the second session with the Edward Pale Ale from Hill Farmstead Brewery. This was a great smelling beer with a nice hoppy aroma and a good flavor. It also had a nice finish with a little bit of sweetness in there. It was a good was to start off the day.

Up next was Alchemist's Rapture. which was an IPA. It had a very intense flavor, but it was still good. I think this would be a sipping beer so as not to overwhelm the tastebuds.

Sticking with my hoppy pursuits, I grabbed the IPA from 7 Barrels Pub and Brewery. This beer wasn't as hoppy as it should have been, and was actually a little sweet, making it seem more like a pale ale than an IPA. It was super smooth, however, and tasted like it would be a good pair with a meal.

I finally mixed things up by getting a Lincoln Lager (hee hee, nice name!) from Bobcat. I didn't check, but I'm assuming no actual bobcats were injured during the brewing of this beer. This was a good beer, but it was kind of boring. Moving on...

Continuing my habit of selecting beers based on their names, I tried the Rauch Session beer from Trapp Lagers. Since it was a session beer, the ABV was probably low, but so was the beer flavor. This "beer" actually tasted more like a soda. I could see myself drinking one again if it was in a mixpack.

Since I had enjoyed it last year, I went with Otter Creek Stovepipe Porter for my next beer. It was a very dark beer, but it wasn't as roasted as I thought I remembered it being. Maybe I just got a bad one, or maybe I wasn't remembering it accurately. Or maybe a brewfest in 80+ degree weather just isn't the right place for a porter. I'll have to try it for a third time under more favorable porter circumstances.

Wolaver's was right next to OC (as you'd probably expect considering their relationship), so I snagged their Oatmeal Stout while I was in the tent. At first this beer was super bitter, but it had all the roasted flavors I was expecting from the Stovepipe Porter. Given a few minutes to mellow out, the bitterness fades away and this beer turns quite delicious.

Harpoon was offering one of their 100 Barrel Series beers, so I made Rich and Dan's Rye IPA my next choice. It has a great IPA aroma, but I think it needs a little bit more malt to balance out the sort of intense bitterness.

At this point, it was time to cleanse the palette, so I went to an old favorite, Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat. There's not a whole lot to say here that hasn't already been said, which means I won't say anything more.

I continued my being nostalgic with a Lost Sailor from BBC. That would be Berkshire Brewing Company, not one of the many other BBCs. This was a good beer that I'm very comfortable with, so I enjoyed it.

I then got a little wacky and got the Strato from Benelux, which I think is a Canadian brewery. This was deemed a "west coast style stout," but I just found it weird. It was only a little bitter, but there was something odd about it. I ended up having to let the grass have it because I didn't drink it in time before the heat ruined it completely.

I finished my afternoon with the Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale from Stone. I never give Stone enough credit, and that's because the first beer I had from them was the Oaked Arrogant Bastard, which I didn't really like. I could go off on a wild tangent here about my feelings on barrel-aging beer, but this isn't really the venue. The short version is that Stone makes delicious beer, and this ale was no exception. I think it may be a black IPA, because it was dark and hoppy and very enjoyable. There was one weird flavor note I couldn't quite pick out, but it didn't ruin anything. Definitely worth the extra ticket (its ABV was over 8.1%, so it was 2 tickets).

Somewhere I lost a ticket, and I gave my last one away, so that concluded the day's beers. Kate and I decided that of the 3 sessions, Friday night is the best, followed by Saturday afternoon with Saturday evening picking up the rear. I hope we are able to do it all again next year!

-Jon

The Beer-hemoth VIII - Day 1

Yeah, so this thing was getting absurdly long when I was writing it, so it needed to be split up into 2 posts. That's becoming a thing here. Sort of like Slick not posting. Zing! I haven't really posted much either, but that's an issue that will be taken care of in the near future. Seriously. I'm already writing more posts in my brain.

Ok, let's get focused. On beer!

The Vermont Brewers Festival is pretty crazy, as I detailed last year. This year we decided to attend the first and second sessions (Friday night and Saturday afternoon). I liked both of these better than the Saturday night session, especially since neither were threatened by thunderstorms. Instead of going to the third session, we went out to dinner at an awesome restaurant and ate 15,000 calories of food. It was a very healthy weekend overall.

And now for the Friday night beers.

You probably don't remember (unless you just reread The Beer-hemoth 3), but last year I really wanted to try the Espresso Amber Ale from Peak Organic, but I missed out because the session got shut down early. I took no chances this year, and kicked things off with one. It has a good coffee flavor, but the aroma seems a little artificial, which is weird considering that Peak is a fully organic brewer. The coffee flavor in an ale is a nice change from coffee stouts. It was a little bit sweet, so I don't think I could drink too many in one day.

I moved on to Allagash from there and tried their Black, which was a Belgian-style stout. This beer smelled very sweet and not like the standard stouts. While I wasn't a huge fan of the flavor, it was very light and easy drinking. It would be a good cookout beer I think.

Next up was Defiant's Medusa IPA. This was an odd beer that didn't smell or taste very hoppy. It actually had a kind of weird flavor and a very heavy feeling aftertaste. I was not really feeling it.

After having three different styles of beers, I decided to keep mixing things up and went with a traditional stout, the Oatmeal Stout from Trout River. This was a dark brown beer instead of being black, and it's flavor also wasn't quite as stout as I was expecting. After every sip, I kept thinking "I gotta have more stout! Or more cowbell! But preferably stout." It was a very smooth beer, and it mellowed out nicely, becoming quite good at the end of the glass.

The fifth beer of the day was another IPA, the Ginga' Ninja from Portsmouth. I am not 100% on this, but I believe the Ginga' part of the name is pronounced like "ginger" but in Boston, making the name rhyme. This was a nice looking IPA with a good hoppiness and flavor. The ginger was a nice complement here, adding to the flavor without being annoying.

Since the ginger worked well in the beer, I thought I'd give the Black Pepper Porter a try. This beer was from Vermont Brewing Company, and it was a weird one. I couldn't pick out any pepper in the aroma or in the flavor, but the beer just tasted odd. But not bad. I think that if it was included in a mix-pack, you wouldn't mind it.

After trying some IPAs and some black pepper, the next logical step was a black IPA. I went with Dark Day from Wormtown, which was hands down the worst named brewery there. Fortunately, they had a delicious beer. Great hop aroma, good hop flavor and malty balance, and a good bitter IPA finish. My only issue with it was that the aftertaste hangs out a little too long, feeling sort of sticky.

I should really take the opportunity at these things to try new styles of beer, but I guess I know what I like, and what I like is stouts and IPAs, so that's what I gravitate toward. For example, the Shed Stout, which wasn't very stoutlike at first, but turned out nicely after I allowed it to warm up a bit.

From stout to IPA, I tried the Flying Goose Strong Ale, which was fantastic. If this had been a dog show instead of a brewfest, this beer would win Best in Show. It had a perfect combination of citrusy hops and sweet maltiness. I need to find some of these to keep in the fridge. I hope I can get them in Keene, since Flying Goose is a NH brewery.

I supposed I could mix a pale ale in there as well, so I opted for the Pale Ale from Tullycross. I think it had a special name, but I forgot to mark it down and I didn't feel like going back. All I wrote down for this beer was that it was super smooth, so I guess it wasn't especially memorable. I went back for another Strong Ale from Flying Goose after this one because it was just that good.

Based strictly on its name, I tried the Ubu Ale from Lake Placid next. This was just not my kind of beer, so let's move on.

At this point, it was 8:47 pm and Melissa saw a pregnant woman drinking beer, making her the winner of the "Find An Irresponsible Parent" game and earning her the respect and admiration of her peers. Then we all mocked that woman's (lack of) parenting skills.

After all that mocking, it was time for another beer. I chose Jasper Murdock's 90 Schilling Pale Ale, which ended up being a mistake. This beer had too much sweetness and not enough hops for my palette, and had the unfortunate result of "accidentally" getting spilled.

To cleanse the sweetness off my poor tongue, I tried Zero Gravity's Anniversary Ale. This beer was a little hoppy and a lot bitter, and had a nice flavor for its low ABV.

Down to my last ticket, I decided to cap the evening with a guaranteed winner, so it was back to Peak Organic for another Espresso Amber. Alas, much like a year ago, it was not to be as they had run out. I went with their IPA instead. I didn't pay too much attention to it because I was so sad about the beer I wanted being gone. It was an ok beer, but probably not the greatest way to end the night.

Stay tuned for Day 2, which in theory will be posted tomorrow.

-Jon

Random June Thoughts - Part 2

This should have been expected after the last post was titled "Part 1."

• My laptop gets hot. Like, ridiculously, leave my thigh red from the heat hot. I have taken to resting it on an ice pack on a pillow sometimes. Does this seem like a problem to anyone else? It reminds me of this Penny Arcade comic. A penis panini does not sound like a good thing.


• Has anyone else seen the commercial for the 3DS version of Ocarina of Time with Robin Williams? He is rocking one of the most epic beards I have ever seen on a movie star! He also has a daughter named Zelda, which the commercial says he named after the character from the series. If that's true, that is awesome.


• I don't understand the business model of the ice cream truck. How is it possible to sell enough ice cream to pay for the gas to drive around my neighborhood all day playing that obnoxious song? I almost never see anyone buying any ice cream either. This leads me to the obvious conclusion that the ice cream truck is a front for illegal drug running. Nothing else makes sense.


• The Facebook app on my phone was being disagreeable the other day by telling me I had 2 unread notifications even though I couldn't find them anywhere in my message list. Being the completely rational person I am, instead of calmly searching for a solution to the annoyance of having a message indicator at the top of my phone for 4 hours, I deleted every single Facebook message and, when that still didn't work, deleted the whole app. Yeah, that's how I get down. Ok, yes, I reinstalled it a little later. But I think I put a healthy fear into it about how I'm not going to take this kind of nonsense in the future. Jon 1, phone 0.


• If you ever have a common household item that you want to get rid of but don't want to pay a fee at the dump (which I think are called "transfer stations" now... what's up with that?), just leave it in front of my mom's house. We put a crappy old grill out there, and it was gone in an hour. And last week we put Kathryn's dirty old couch out there, and it was gone in 45 minutes. Apparently people really like free stuff.

Stupid Face Story of the Week

Why can't people on Facebook successfully quote music? You clearly have internet access, so just look up the damn words!! And stop quoting rap songs about having tons of money if you don't. I seriously doubt that you're "up in the club" or "making it rain" on a Wednesday night.

-Jon