Maybe It's Because You Suck?

If I could make one Facebook request, it would be that people learn when to use apostrophes. Or that Bitstrips were gone. Or maybe that people would stop trying to have any kind of political discourse. Jesus, why do I even use Facebook?

Ok, let's focus on this week's most annoying thing about Facebook, which is people who post stupid shit like, "Oh, thanks for inviting me" or anything like that about events to which they apparently were not invited. And based on their whiny post, my guess is that their invite went missing because they suck. Seriously, how entitled to you have to be to think that you should be invited to all these things? Do you really think these people want your bitchy ass on their vacations with them? Or at dinner? Or really anywhere? I'm shocked that you haven't been deleted from their Friend list, and slightly less surprised that no one has just straight out deleted you from life.

I am going to run a mini-experiment, which is probably going to cause me a great deal of annoyance. Since someone today complained about not being invited to something that they had probably previously expressed no interest whatsoever in, I am going to see if the idiotic friends of my friends can go one week without the words "thanks" "invite" and "me" appearing together. If they do, I will celebrate by drinking a beer or three. And if they can't, I will mourn the stupidity of the world with a beer or three. And maybe delete Facebook. I can only imagine that decision freeing up some time in my life and decreasing the amount of annoying things I deal with substantially. Facebook: Making the World Stupid Day by Day. It's their unofficial slogan.

-Jon

I Played GTA V...

This will remain as spoiler-free as possible, because apparently people care about that kind of stuff.  The easy thing to do would be just not to read this, but you seem to lack the self-control necessary for that and instead will blame it on me for ruining the game for you. It's not like I'm texting stuff to your phone, or holding your eyes open like A Clockwork Orange. 

Let's get the important point out of the way first: this is a fun game, and you should probably play it unless you're like 11 years old or something. It's probably not a game for those kinds of people, since you get to bang whores and kill people and stuff like that. Generally stuff that you don't want little kids seeing or emulating or well, actually going out and doing. Not a week goes by where I don't hear about some 10 year old robbing a hooker. Or maybe that was a dream.

Driving is this game is different from the last one. Maybe. It definitely feels different. The fast cars definitely feel faster, but everything feels a little more slippery. And all the other drivers are very fragile. If you hit another car, they're almost definitely dying. Fine, that's funny because it's a game, but every single driver that dies ends up leaning forward onto the horn (which is how I know when I've killed someone (every single time I drive a car)), and that's absurdly annoying. It's also a lot harder to explode cars in this one. Back in the day, cars would go from working, to smoking, to being on fire, to exploding and being a fiery former car. And that was awesome. You could drive around, smashing cars, and then use the car as a bomb when it finally burst into flames. Obviously completely unrealistic, but who cares? Shooting 30 people and then hiding in a tunnel until the cops give up their search is unrealistic too, but that happens regularly. Bring back fireballs of death!

Also, the cars are now more damageable (probably not a word) even though they don't catch on fire. Getting hit by a couple cops means that you usually are going to get a damaged wheel and then the car drives absurdly horribly. Which brings up the next point: trying to change vehicles while the cops are after you is basically a death sentence. It takes like 4 hours to get out of a car, pick a new car, get into it and start it. Not that you're going to make it that far, because you've already been shot to death. I die a lot in this game. Mostly by cops, but also by various other things.

Within my first few hours of playing, I had fallen off a freeway (totally my fault), been shot to death several times (probably not my fault... those cops have a hair trigger about hitting their cars or shooting their friends), flown through a windshield (apparently traffic light poles can be knocked down but trees cannot), and been mauled by a mountain lion. Yeah, a mountain lion. They're instant deaths. If you hear one roar, you have a couple seconds to kill it or else you're mauled. I have no idea if this is true for sharks or not, because I murder those fuckers as soon as they appear. No Jaws bullshit here. I also started a gang fight. Sort of. They were a gang, I was a single person. They won. Although later, once I'd gotten some quality assault weapons and figured out how to hide behind stuff, those gang members have been getting mowed down on the regular.

So, some improvements from GTA4. The biggest one is you no longer have to deal with your stupid asshole friends calling you all the time ("Hey cousin, we should go bowling!" "Shut the fuck up, Roman!!"). That was easily the worst thing about the game. I also like the new weapon wheel, which makes it easy to switch from pistol to assault rifle to grenade launcher, which were really the only things I used. Sniper rifle too, but I always planned that one ahead and didn't really need to be switching around. Minigun? Yeah, but here come the cops. Rocket launcher? Too slow, but good for helicopter issues (although they are always replaced almost instantly by more helicopters. Go away, assholes!). Nothing else was really important for me, and I got through the game so there's that.

Non-improvements? Well, the cars are a little weird, but I'm much less happy about how fragile the main characters feel. I have almost maximum stats, but I'm constantly dying. Yeah, I suck, but I sucked equally as Niko and didn't spend so much time being released from the hospital. Let me just run around murdering fools! That's half the fun (the other half being driving around murdering fools). Also the non-fireball-cars-of-doom. I loved those things.

So go play this game, and think about what a horrible person that makes you as you kill whores and put sticky bombs on other people's cars.

-Jon

So You're Taking Your Kids Out in Public...

Apparently there are a lot of people out there with kids. I know because I am forced to endure their noise while I'm out to dinner / avoid them with my grocery cart / wait for them to pick a fucking candy bar / take the stairs instead of the escalator due to all sorts of kid-based shenanigans. Now I'm not advocating an end to reproduction, as that would probably lead to the end of humankind (although to be fair we're doing a pretty good job of steering the world in that direction anyways). I just think that maybe you should train your kids better. Is that the right word? Train? Maybe I mean that your kids should fear your wrath and not act like stupid assholes all the time. Like a wise man once said,* "it's easy to make a kid, but it's actually a lot of work to raise one." People seem to only remember the first part.

Because I am a helpful guy, I decided to make this handy guide to the probability of your kid(s) behaving in a public setting, converted into a percentage. Let's face it; if you aren't already aware of this, any non-percentage based probabilities are probably far behind your level of comprehension.

Grocery Store - 0%
Do not bring your kids to the grocery store. They are going to behave for roughly 13 seconds, and then the rest of the trip is going to be miserable. And not just for you. For everyone around you, like the old couple that is just trying to find their Metamucil except your little bastard keeps bumping their cart, which they're using as support in place of their cane (which is almost certainly laid across the top). That guy is probably a war veteran, and he probably wishes he was back in Korea instead of dealing with this bullshit. At least in Korea he could shoot people.

CVS - 60% (Maybe?)
If my trip to CVS takes longer than 6 minutes, something has gone terribly wrong, so this figure may be slightly inflated by the fact that I don't get to witness the entirety of the shopping trip. Most parents can keep their kids under control that long as long as their is a chance the kid is getting something from the candy rack at the front of the store. As soon as the candy is out of play, I'm guessing shit is about to get real. Real loud.

Restaurant (Your Choice) -  negative 100%
This figure represents the fact that not only is your kid going to ruin your night, he (or she, but let's be honest, the worst kids at restaurants are always boys) is also going to fuck up my date night. My wife and I work a shitload of hours every week, with her saving lives and helping sick people and me making the world a better (smelling) place, and all we want is one nice dinner together that isn't pasta, and you can't even give us that. You're a real selfish jerk.

Restaurant (Kid's Choice) - N/A
Are you seriously letting your kid pick the restaurant? No wonder you have such a hard time with discipline. No 4-year-old should be calling the shots. Grow up, Peter Pan.

Mall (Single Store) - 75%
If you are just hitting up Sears really quickly to grab a pair of pants, you're golden. Get in, get the pants, get the fuck out. Don't try them on, just guess. The clock is ticking here.

Mall (Multiple Stores) - 0%
Yeah, now you're fucked. The instant you walk into the mall, a kid has some kind of universal internal clock that all kids have at the mall. I am not sure of the timer on this thing, but trust me when I tell you it's short, and the result when it hits zero is going to be messy. Whether it's some kind of escalator-based jackassery, or hiding in the clothes racks at Macy's, or some sort of food court screaming fit, shit is going to be hitting the fan. Actually, that fan/shit meeting may also be a literal possibility depending on the age of your kid.

Feel free to print this handy guide out and use it whenever you're considering ruining someone else's day just because you don't want to pay the babysitter.

-Jon

*It was me. I said that. And it's as true today as it was then. Just look at all those dumb bitches on Teen Mom.

Let Me Save You Some Time

If you're anything like me (which you probably are not), you spend a decent portion of your time watching HGTV for some reason. And even if you don't, you may have heard of a show called Love It or List It. Basically a guy tries to get a couple to move into a new house while a girl with a possibly English accent tries to improve their house enough for them to stay. Also the whole thing seems to take place in Canada since there is an abundance of Canadian accents.

The premise is kind of cool, but the execution leaves much to be desired. To save you the time of having to watch it at all, here is a synopsis of every single episode.

Two people talk about the house they live in while a camera with some kind of dulling filter shows different issues with the house. I assume the filtering is to make the house look super amazing afterwards regardless of the improvements. Then either the husband or wife adamantly states that they need to move, while the other adamantly insists that their current house can be salvaged.

Next New House Guy and House Fix Girl meet with the couple and talk about what they're looking for in a new home and what they'd like fixed about the current house. This inevitably results in some absurdly ridiculous goals. For the moving ones, they're always something like "it needs to have an open floor plan, a finished basement and be on the same street we already live on while also having a staircase made out of mussels and encrusted with diamonds." Some of that may have been exaggerated, but only slightly. Then the requirements for staying boil down to, "we want $80,000 to $120,000 of improvements, and our budget is $20,000 to $50,000, so make that happen." It reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons when Agnes Skinner tells the bag boy that she wants all her groceries in one bag but doesn't want the bag to be too heavy.

After the meeting with the couple, New House Guy and House Fix Girl go to the actual house and make snarky comments about the house and about each other. Maybe this part is entertaining to Canadians with their Canadian humo(u)r, but it makes me cringe. The writers need to work on this part, as most HGTV shows are secretly scripted ahead of time.

And now on to the actual loving and listing. This is where the show falls apart.

We'll start with New House Guy's part of the show. After going through the couple's practically impossible list, he tries to find some houses that fit the bill. Sadly for him, he is going to have to constantly deal with people, who are just terrible. "We'd really prefer a bathroom with a double vanity," says the couple who currently has a bathroom the size of a refrigerator. Or "we're looking for stainless steel appliances" when they are working with a kitchen that appears to have been time-travelled from 1952. Stupid people are never satisfied with anything.

And as annoying as those parts are, House Fix Girl is even worse. Every (and I mean every) episode has the exact same thing. She says she's going to do x things to the house, there is always an issue with at least one of them, which they only find out after she's gutted something, the couple gets upset, either the husband or wife appears on camera alone saying something along the lines of "I'm really losing faith in [whatever her name is] at this point," she can't fix that particular thing, she asks if there's any more money in the budget, the husband or wife claims that if that thing can't be fixed then there's no point in doing anything and there's no more budget, and then more getting upset. Every single time. I feel semi-bad for House Fix Girl since there's not really any way to update a bathroom, upgrade and modernize a kitchen and add a second floor bathroom to a house with a $25,000 budget, but she's kind of a bitch sometimes, so screw her.

Eventually, the couple agrees that one of the new houses doesn't completely suck and are completely amazed by the transformation of their old house (even without whichever one of the must-have improvements didn't get improved). Then New House Guy gives us a nice little infographic that lists the original assessment of the house's value, the amount of the budget for improvements, and the new assessment of the house's value (which always seems to be $100,000 higher). He and House Fix Girl go stand like 10 feet away from the couple who discuss whether they're going to stay or go. Once the final decision is made, the "winner" out of New House Guy and House Fix Girl has to buy the other a drink, and he/she makes another snarky comment. And you've just lost an hour of your life.

Now, I like to be helpful, so here are my suggestions for making this show less bad:

• Fix the awkward dialogue. It's super awkward.
• Pick less ridiculous couples with normal human expectations and reactions. People living in a 2-bedroom house shouldn't be complaining that the fourth bedroom in the new house can't fit a king-sized bed.
• The whole budget vs. expectation thing is ridiculous. If I have $3 in my wallet, I shouldn't ask for a filet mignon and then get upset when I actually have to eat a Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe. You get what you pay for. Even in Canada.
• Not every episode needs a home improvement disaster and an awkward argument (which goes back to my first point) between the couple and House Fix Girl.

Get on it, HGTV.

-Jon

The Teen Mom Drinking Game

It's time to get this thing going again. With the amount of free time and opinions that I have, there's not really any excuse for nothing to be posted since April. And for whoever keeps showing up only to be disappointed with the lack of updates, I am sorry. I've just been super busy!

One thing they don't warn you about before you move in with a girl/lady/woman is that they have simply awful taste in television. Or that when you point this out to them, they just get upset. Or if you make hilarious comments during their awful shows, they'll just get mad at you. As such, you may be subjected to things such as 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, So You Think You're a Dancer, and other such drivel.

Fortunately, there is alcohol, which makes everything better. Except for pregnancy and your ability to operate heavy machinery. Have you ever noticed that the packaging never mentions alcohol's impact on your fine motor skills? It seems like, in addition to affecting heavy machinery operation, it would also negatively affect things like open-heart surgery or playing Operation. Maybe that should go on the bottle as well.

At any rate, on with the drinking.

Teen Mom Drinking Game
What you'll need:

• beer if you're smart, wine if you're crazy, hard liquor if you've got a thing for someone in the emergency room or enjoy having your stomach pumped
• 2 shot glasses per person
• a lot of water
• a girlfriend/wife who makes you watch Teen Mom, or a lack of self-respect to watch it on your own

The Rules*

Take a (small) sip of beer whenever...

• a teen mom says "like" without it expressing appreciation for something or it being part of a simile
• a teen mom says "you know?"
• a teen mom starts a sentence with "Honestly"
• The 3 above can be expanded to all characters if you are feeling too sober, but don't try to be a hero
• a word is censored (one sip per beep)
• you stop to think about where the money for these kids' clothes and food is coming from

Take a shot of beer whenever...

• anyone starts a sentence with "I just feel like..."
• there is any variation of a teen mom complaining about growing up so fast
• a baby daddy complains about not being able to do things with his friends
• anyone uses the word "literally" when they mean "figuratively"
• a teen mom or baby daddy says the word "protection"

Take both shots of beer whenever...

• a teen mom is wearing sweatpants and being sad on a couch, generally with a cell phone in hand
• any physical violence between a teen mom and her baby daddy (works best with Amber or Janelle... and yes, I hate myself for knowing that)
• there are cops on screen

Finish your beer at the end of the episode if the ending is playing sad music and people have sad/vacant expressions on their faces. Actually, finish your beer no matter what happens. What else are you going to do, dump it down the drain? That's bullshit.

Drink at least a small glass of water (4-6 oz) during every commercial break. Trust me on this one.

This game can also be expanded to 16 and Pregnant with the bonus rule of pounding a beer at the end of the episode if the baby daddy is no longer in the picture. Take that, liver!

-Jon

*Editor's note - This game should only be played by people of the legal drinking age. Mmmm, opinions claims no responsibility for injuries sustained before, during, or after playing this game. Call a taxi or use a designated driver.

The Beer-hemoth IX

Apparently it's that time of the year again, by which I mean time for brewfests. Hooray! First up for 2012 is Brew Woo, which was in its second year. This was my first indoor brewfest, which was a good thing because it was pretty chilly out in Worcester. I assume that this is was the GABF is like, if you took this event and turned it up to 11.

There were somewhere between 30 and 40 breweries, which is variable based on what was listed on the program and what was actually there. Once we got carded and let in (where I was stamped rather vigorously by the girl with the blue stamper thing), we were given our tasting glass, a list of the breweries on a heavy-duty sheet, and a pencil for taking notes. I held on to my glass, but the sheet and the pencil quickly found their way into a nearby trash can. I don't have enough hands to hold a glass, hold a paper and write on it with a pencil. Looks like my phone is going to be in charge of keeping track of what's good and what's not.

Brew Woo is an unlimited event, which is nice since you don't have to worry about wasting a ticket on something sketchy, but not as nice for some people who don't know how to manage their drinks. I ended up trying 15 beers, 14 of which made it into my tummy and 1 of which made it into a garbage can. More on that later.

Let's get to the beer.

We didn't really follow the layout of the place (it was set up into 10 "pods" of 4 breweries each), but instead just ran off toward whatever seemed interesting from wherever we happened to be standing at the time. It actually turned out to be an effective strategy, and I feel like there weren't any breweries I missed because of our path.

First up was Woodstock Inn since it was the nearest to our entry point. I chose the Pemi Pale Ale, hoping that it was going to be an American pale ale. It was not, as it was an English pale ale. The main difference here is that American ones are nice and hoppy, and English ones are more mellow and easy to drink. This beer was fine, but nothing great.

I then saw a place called Baxter Brewing, which I had not heard of before and therefore needed to be visited. I went with their Stowaway IPA, and it was pretty good. It wasn't super hoppy though, which isn't my ideal IPA. It was, on the other hand, very drinkable, so I gave another of their beers a shot, the Pamola Xtra Pale Ale. As opposed to being anything I was expecting, this beer was very sweet, with a nice light flavor. I also got a free can koozie for Kate by telling them a "bad" joke that I stole from the infamous Greg Loesch. All in all, this station was a winner.

Did you know that Waltham, MA is known as "Watch City"? I did not, but I learned this factoid when we moved over to Watch City Brewing Co. to give their Fenway Fungo a try. This is a Scottish Wee Light, and therefore probably going to be a malty beast. As expected, this beer was super smokey, with a heavy mouthfeel and sort of a meaty maltiness to it. It worked well as a sipper, although most of the group disagreed with me.

Continuing our meandering, I hit upon Revival Brewing and went for their Double Black IPA. I found it be be a lot more "black" than "IPA," which was kind of disappointing.

When I turned around, Wormtown was directly behind me, and they had their Be Hoppy IPA, a beer that was on my list to try. I figured that this was as good a time as any, and I was immediately rewarded for my decision. This beer ended up winning my award for Best In Fest, as it had a delicious hoppiness without being too bitter. Since no one was waiting behind me, I got to talking to one of the servers and ended up trying their Turtle Boy Blue, a blueberry beer. It was delicious, with a nice blueberry flavor that didn't go too far and become cloying. Along with my newfound Thirsty Dog raspberry, 21st's Hell or High Watermelon, and maybe a little Sea Dog and Hooker, this is going to be a good summer for fruit beers.

Next on my list was Offshore's IPA. Apparently I got distracted by something, because all I wrote down was that this beer had a strong flavor. I'm not sure where I was going with that, so I guess I'll give myself minus points for this one. Sorry.

Nearby, I saw Sierra Nevada, and they had their Ruthless Rye IPA, a beer I've wanted to try for a while when I see it over at Ryan & Casey's, but for some reason I've never picked any up. Maybe I will next time I'm there, as this beer was very strong, very hoppy and nicely enjoyable.

At this point, we were past the halfway point for the session, which meant it was time for a snack. Kate and I both got delicious pulled pork sandwiches. It's not a brisket, but they were delightful.

I was excited to give the Whitewater IPA from Sam Adams a try, until I took a sip. It turns out that this is like some sort of weird combination of a white beer and an IPA, which meant mine got about 2 sips and then ended up in the trash. Goddam white ales...

In an attempt to scrub my palette, I went over to Wachusett and got a Black Shack Porter. This beer wasn't bad, but it didn't seem like a porter in any way. There were no smoked flavors, and the color was super thin. Maybe I got a different beer than what I asked for.

A brewery called Backlash caught my attention with their brass knuckle motif, but their beer varieties were distinctly foreign styles. Out of the two, I chose their Belgian-style IPA, Declaration. I don't really want to say anything good or bad about it, as this is just not my style of beer, but I will say that it was like a slightly bitter hefeweizen. If that sounds like your cup of tea (or pint of beer), then this one seemed like a good one, maybe?

The next place I hit surprised me, because I didn't realize that it was a brewery. I thought it was one of those little kiosks that are always at brewfests offering something else, in this case white-water rafting. Turns out that I was actually at the table for Kennebec River Brewing, so I went with their IPA. This was a nice IPA, with a good amount of hoppiness and bitterness without being too bitter.

It was getting close to the end of the session, but still had a couple spots that I felt needed to be hit. I was having a really hard time reading the choices over at Ithaca Brewing (the names of the beers were nice and large, but the styles were super tiny and behind the server), so I just went with their Apricot Wheat. This is a really apricotty beer, and very good if you don't mind a feeling like you're drinking soda.

We closed out the event with Koko Brown from Kona Brewing, which was only possible through Kate's guilting the girl serving the beer (who wasn't going to open another Koko Brown until the next session) by lamenting how it was so delicious and she wanted to make it her last beer. What a sucker! She opened one last bottle, and I tried some as well. It's a coconut brown ale, and it's quite nice to drink. I believe this one was Kate's Best in Fest winner.

This was a nice event, and one I would gladly attend again next year. Well done, Worcester.

-Jon

So, You're Playing Draw Something, Eh?

This post is dedicated to dedicated reader (and potentially only reader) Chris. Hopefully this will fill some of the downtime at his work.

"Draw Something" is the next big asynchronous 2-player iPhone game (and probably any other touchscreen phone, but let's not split hairs... people are going to start using "iPhone" the way old people call every single video game console a Nintendo), and has taken the throne from previous holder Words with Friends, which takes way too long and gets annoying in like 3 minutes. Draw Something, as its title would suggest, has one player draw something and the other player then guesses. Then the second player draws something else and sends it back. The game offers you 3 choices of things to draw of varying levels of difficulty, and then it's up to you.

Now, you probably have played and are thinking that the object of the game is to draw your picture well enough to get the other player to correctly guess it. But you would be wrong. The actual point of the game is to screw with your friends' heads and convince them that you aren't quite right in the head. Because I am something of an expert in this field, allow me to assist.

One of the most obvious ways to abuse your friends is just to draw the wrong thing. Sure, you may have chosen "tennis" as your drawing subject, but no one says you have to draw something related to tennis at first. Try drawing an elephant, adding a whole bunch of details and taking a really long time to do it. Then erase the whole thing and draw a tennis racket. Your friends won't know what hit them!

Another option is to pick an object with a very distinctive characteristic, but not to draw that characteristic until the end. I was supposed to draw a cyclops for Matt, so I drew a head and muscular arms, then added some ragged clothing. Not until after about 45 seconds did I add the single eye, which would have given away the answer too early. You worked hard on your picture, so make those jerks wait it out. Another fun idea is to pick something easy like pig, but then draw a really detailed picture. Draw a barn and some roosters. Maybe stick a farmer holding a pitchfork in there. It's probably a sunny day, so put the sun up in the sky. Perhaps some clouds if you're feeling that particular vibe. The important thing is that the little piggy isn't part of the picture until the end.

You can also mess with your pals when it's your turn to guess. The first thing is to try to guess the word before the drawing has started. This gets easier as you play more rounds and see more of the options, but it's not too difficult with the shorter words. If it's a 3-letter answer, just start plugging in "cow" or "pig" or "log" or whatever you can from your letters. Once the drawing has started, you can keep trying to guess, but I prefer an alternative tactic: try to form insults or curses so that when they watch you try to solve it, they will feel insulted. Depending on your opponent, penis is almost always an appropriate choice, but go with your gut.

Another option includes some abstract thinking. Sure, the game is probably expecting you to draw a bluejay or cardinal or something when you pick "bird," but why not draw a green tank top and put the number 33 on it? This has an added benefit of letting you know if your friend knows who Larry Bird is, because if they don't, it's time to end that friendship.

If you're really up for some mind games, just don't draw anything for 30-45 seconds. Put a little dot in the corner of the screen to make sure the game thinks you're drawing, then just sit there. Watch a few commercials or something. Then it's time to draw. They'll think something is wrong with their phone. Suckers!

There are lots of other ways to abuse your friends' game time, so think of your own methods if none of these are to your liking. Just remember - even though it's a cooperative game, there's always room for mental abuse.

-Jon

A "Live" Blog of the Grammys

Kate worked last night and had me DVR the Grammys for her, so we're watching them right now. Ever since Two Against Nature won Album of the Year when it was, at best, the 4th best nominee, I don't care about the stupid Grammys, so instead, I'll be making fun of them.

• Has anyone made some Kevin Costner/The Bodyguard jokes about Whitney Houston's death yet? If not, how come?
• Bruce Springsteen should have sung a different song. Like a good one.
• Whenever it was that Lady Gaga hosted that show and pretended she was a guy... remember that? Um, her "character" really looked a lot like Bruno Mars. I am not sure who that is more insulting to.
• Speaking of Bruno Mars, apparently he and Alicia Keys had the same person do their hair for this show. Again, I am not sure who that is more insulting to.
• Alright Lady Gaga, we get it. You're super creative and don't fit into anyone's expectations. But maybe you should respect the Grammys (since you're nominated for one) and not look like a complete fuckup. You know, just this once. I promise that if I ever somehow get a major award nomination, I'll suit up.
• It looks like Chris Brown is going to make it through this whole performance without having a temper tantrum. Good for him!
• Kelly Clarkson is a country artist now? Sure, why not.
• I appreciate male country artists making it obvious that they are country artists by always wearing a cowboy hat. So they're either country artists, or maybe actual cowboys.
• This show has a lot of commercials. They probably could have trimmed the whole broadcast down to 2 hours without all this garbage. This is commercial ridiculousness on par with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies when they're shown on TV.
• Rihanna's music makes my ears feel like they've been raped. At least I think this is Rihanna. It may just be someone having a seizure. She also does not appear to be singing at all, and not one seems to care. If she doesn't have the microphone near her mouth and words are still happening, that's usually a pretty dead giveaway.
• Oh, some Giants players... Moving on.
• Has anyone ever been more involved in the world of music without actually contributing anything to it than Ryan Seacrest?
• While I was busy being snarky about Ryan Seacrest, I missed the explanation of why these people are singing Beach Boys songs. And now the real Beach Boys are singing? Did you know that one time I saw The Beach Boys in concert (but not with Brian Wilson because he hadn't rejoined the other guys yet)? You do now.
• I wonder how hard it is to learn the harmonica. Not enough people use the harmonica in their music.
• Kate does not approve of the amount of standing ovations given at award shows.
• I don't know who these people are, but this music sounds like country music and the guy isn't wearing a cowboy hat. I guess I was wrong about my earlier assumption. Goddam country artists, trying to confuse me.
• Taylor Swift's backing band appears to have to time-traveled from either Little House on the Prairie or The Grapes of Wrath. Those probably aren't even close to the same era, but all the clothing from way back in the past looks pretty much the same to me because I just don't care.
• This show obviously needs more NPH and less LL Cool J.
• There are a lot of British people on this program.
• I don't think that is Katy Perry's natural hair color. Just a guess.
• I am apparently not paying close enough attention. They just said Adele has won 4 awards tonight, but I have only seen her onstage twice. What kind of ridiculous shenanigans are these?!? They must be giving out awards during the commercials. Probably unimportant ones, like "Best Performance by a British Person Who Is Currently Chewing a Huge Wad of Gum." Adele won that one for sure.
• Someone needs to make a sweet mashup of "Rhinestone Cowboy" and "Like a Virgin." There's something there, I'm sure of it.
• I wonder if Glen Campbell has any idea who these goons onstage with him are. He's like infinity years older than they are.
• Bon Iver should have prepared a speech ahead of time so he could say "Uh" a bit less frequently. If this had been a drinking game, his speech would have resulted in somewhere around 12 shots. It was apparently so awkward that they cut him off and went to commercial.
• Nicki Minaj is trying to outweird Lady Gaga. This is going to have dire ramifications for all of us. This is what the Mayans were warning us about. Also, this song is terrible. This is what music is now?
• Is there a place backstage for the artists to store their awards when they go back to their seats, or do they keep them under the chairs?
• It looks like this thing is finally over. I bet Lady Gaga is sad that she wore that ridiculous outfit and didn't get to show everyone while onstage. Poor Gaga.

-Jon

You're a Real Asshole, Autocorrect Inventor

Seriously, what is your deal? I'm trying to be a good citizen, texting as fast as possible before the light turns green, and your stupid bullshit makes me send loads of nonsensical texts. Yeah, I probably should double check before hitting Send, but the guy in the Explorer behind me has been tailgating me for the last 3 miles and I'm thinking that pissing him off is probably the wrong move. Dammit, Autocorrect, you're going to get my ass kicked!

More baffling than some of the corrections are some of the things it leaves alone. In a given day/week/month/year, how often does someone really use the word "tine"? Obviously that's supposed to say "time" you cockgobbler!! Do you think I have some sort of weird fork fetish? Is tine suddenly a common word in everyday speech? Maybe if you live in Atlantis and are talking about tridents a lot, but last I checked that isn't the case for anyone I know. So the phone will leave gibberish like "What tine are you going?" but feels the compulsion to make me look foolish by autocorrecting to "Hey, where the he'll are you?" Nice one, you son of a bitch.

I get the same problem with "hone" versus "home," which seems to fall into the same category. No normal person uses the word "hone" in a text message. And nobody, normal or not, says something like "Ok, I'll be hone in like half an hour." This expensive thing should assume that I'm going to be using common words as opposed to writing fancy things about honing stuff.

In other news, when the he'll is Slick going to be posting something? He's probably sitting at hone right now, all the tine in the world, and not writing. How selfish.

-Jon

Oh You Silly Rappers...

You guys say the most ridiculous things.

There are lots of good rappers. Well, probably less now than there were back when I used to listen to more rap, but at least some of them probably don't suck. Mostly because I bet some of the guys I listened to before still rap. But sometimes, whether it's because they need to squeeze words into a particular rhyme scheme or just because they've got nothing else that works, they say things that are just ridiculous. And yeah, most of these are going to be old since all old music is better than all new music. It's just a rule of nature.

"I woke up out that coma 2001 / Bout the same time Dre dropped 2001" - The Game

First off, using the same word or phrase isn't really rhyming. But more importantly, the unfortunately titled album 2001 was actually released in November of 1999, whereas The Game (who apparently only goes by Game now) was in a coma in October of 2001. I would think that someone who claims to have so much respect for West Coast rap would be more aware of that fact.

"I'm sick, you couldn't measure my dick with six rulers." - Big Punisher

I'm not sure if Big Pun (may he rest in peace) if suggesting that he possesses a 6-foot wang, but that's just ridiculous. The logistics alone would be unmanageable. He'd need a completely custom wardrobe, although he might need that anyways being of the... overweight persuasion, not to mention that anytime he got "excited" he'd be risking an assault charge.

Hey, I'm all for ridiculous bravado and outrageous exaggerations, but this seems really uncomfortable.

"Fifty fear no man, warrior, swing swords like Conan." - 50 Cent

"So the pen is mightier than the sword, my Lord" - Jay-Z

At first glance, neither of these lyrics seems absurd. However, you might notice that have one word in common. And the ridiculousness of both of them stem from that common word, "sword," which both rappers pronounce with heavy emphasis on the "W." Maybe in 50's case, he's trying to preserve the alliterative effect of the phrase "swing swords," but I can't figure out the reasoning behind Jay-Z's awful pronunciation. Maybe I just don't understand rap music's deeper meanings, like intentionally mispronouncing common words.

"In this white man's world, I'm simular to a squirrel" - 50 Cent

Nope, that's not a typo. He really says "simular."

Another 50 Cent quote, and from the same song as the previous one. He's not the only rapper to make this ear-grating vowel transposition, but he's the one that stuck out most prominently in my mind. There's no "U" in similar, and there never was. It's like the person is trying to mix "similar" and "simulate" into one word.

Changing a vowel can have drastic consequences as well. The phrase, "Wow, I took like 8 shots in a row at the bar last night!" has a whole new meaning if you switch the "O" in shots to an "I"...

"What's next? What's next? What's N-X-E-T?" - Warren G

Seriously? I mean... what is this supposed... how can you just... I mean it's not even... sigh.

Did nobody listen to these tracks before the CD came out? Or, potentially worse, did people listen to them and not notice this glaring error? I guess lyrics don't come with spellcheck.

This is just a tip of the iceberg, as I didn't even feature anything from Wu-Tang, who spit some of the most absurd claims ever to be captured on record. Or from Lil Wayne, who I avoided just on principle, but I'm sure could provide enough fodder for his own featured appearance. Which he won't get. Because I hate his music.

-Jon

Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen

It's one thing to sit down, watch a few episodes of a show, formulate a coherent opinion of the good parts and bad parts of said show, and write a well-thought-out, informative piece on it.

That seems like an awful lot of work, and doesn't really fit in with what we do here. Seriously, read the mission statement up at the top left.

Instead, what I'm going to do is judge shows completely based on their commercials. A ridiculously high number of commercials that I see while watching TV shows are commercials for other TV shows. I really need to start taking better advantage of the DVR...

Mob Wives - You know how growing up is filled with drama? Basically starting in middle school, people are constantly worried about who's dating whom, what's being said about other people, who did what when and where, and all that crap. This probably continues for a lot of people through high school and maybe into college. However, most of us grow up at some point, and usually by the mid-20s this bullshit has lost its appeal to pretty much anyone that's worth hanging out with.

This show appears to be about what happens if you never stop being a drama queen, and are also Italian.

The fact that there are shows like this on television makes me sad to be a human being. On another note, have you ever noticed that the people who are like "I'm so tired of drama" are always the ones who are waist-deep in it? They're probably the fanbase for this show. And based on that, I'm going to have to assume that this show sucks donkey dongs.

I Get That a Lot - From the commercials, this appears to be a show where celebrities pretend they aren't celebrities, and then when people recognize them (which I have to assume is immediately for some of these people), they say "I get that a lot." Seriously, who wouldn't recognize AC Slater if he was pretending to be a pizza delivery guy? So I guess the point of the show is that they just lie to regular people. Once you're caught trying to fool someone, it stops being a practical joke and just becomes sad. I guess it's not enough that they have millions of dollars, they also have to make us look like jerks. What a bunch of assholes. This show probably sucks monkey scrotum.

Alcatraz - This show looks kind of cool. A bunch of people disappear from Alcatraz prison in some kind of supernatural event, and then reappear years later and start fucking shit up? Yeah, I'll buy into that. Obviously there are major issues in that these hardened criminals show up way later and seem to have no problems slipping back into a life of crime despite the incredible changes that have occurred in the past few years. I think that someone who magically transported to today from even 15 years ago would have a hard time adjusting, so it's a little sketchy that someone from 30-40 years ago would just be like "yeah, that's cool," but that's for the writers to figure out.

On the other hand, JJ Abrams has a hand in this, and he was a real asshole at the end of Lost after promising answers and then just saying everyone was dead the whole time. For this show, it will probably all end up being a dream of some coma victim, and Abrams will be laughing all the way to the bank, shouting "Haha, I got you all again you stupid bastards!!" out the sunroof of his limo, which is filled with champagne and topless supermodels. I'll give this show a chance, and a potential rating of "this seems like a cool idea, but in the end it will probably piss everyone off and they'll be like, 'what a load of horseshit!'"

Two Broke Girls - Since I watch How I Met Your Mother regularly and this show is on after it (which I believe is called a "lead" and is based on the idea that if someone watches HIMYM, they may lose the remote during that half hour and just sit there and watch the next show regardless of quality), I get to see a lot of commercials for it. A LOT!! From every commercial, it appears to be about two girls that work in a diner and, presumably, do not have much money. I guess the appeal is supposed to be that one of them (the daughter from The 40-Year Old Virgin) has large boobs and the other seems like Paris Hilton. And every single joke in the commercials is painfully set up. I realize that most people are morons (a topic that I believe has been covered on this site in detail), but you can write funny television without basically flashing a neon sign that says "Look, here comes a joke!"

This show seems like it could be tolerable in small doses, but in the long run it will probably just be annoying.

This year is off to a torrid pace of posts. I sincerely doubt that it will be maintained.

-Jon

These Commercials Are Just Terrible

What better way to ring in a new year than by taking a verbal dump all over some awful commercials that wrapped up the last one? Also, this is Jon, which I feel I need to clarify every time I start off a post with any sort of angry reference because everyone assumes it's going to be Slick. I have emotions too, people!!

First up is every commercial in the "I think I'm a rich person now even though I'm a stupid asshole" line of commercials from some wireless cell phone company. So what they're saying is that saving a couple hundred dollars a year makes you think all of a sudden that you drive a sweet Bentley? How stupid are these people? The icing on the cake is the commercial where the lady thinks she's going to buy the Crown Jewels with all her extra dough. I have personally seen said jewels, and they are not just sitting out in a glass case in a museum. They are inside a crazy vault inside the Tower of London. More importantly, they are not guarded by Americans, although they apparently are in this commercial. I guess that the main idea of these commercials is that buying their phone makes you dumber. Fuck you, whatever phone company you are.

Chloe would be upset with me if I did not include the Kia Soul commercial where a bunch of robots are at war with each other until some hamsters show up and dance to "Party Rock" (may not actually be the name of the song, but who cares) and then all the robots dance. Ignoring the fact that this is a car commercial that gives me literally zero information about the car it's advertising, Chloe's issue is that dancing robots and dancing hamsters need to get the hell off the TV screen, and she will bark at them until they do.

Next up we have the Robitussin Relief Finder commercial. Why is the "star" of this commercial an orangutan? Do many apes use Robitussin? Why is it wearing a scarf and slippers but no other clothes? It doesn't make any fucking sense!!!

Finally, we'll close with the commercials for another phone, which I think is the HTC from someone who makes phones. These commercials are the ones where people keep walking up and talking to either a pair of guys or a pair of girls who are always like, "that's so 20 seconds ago" or some other hipster-like bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry that I was trying to be helpful but didn't realize that at some point you two were elected co-presidents of Douchebagistan. Please forgive my insolence. I understand that the purpose of these commercials is to exaggerate how awesome this phone is, but have you ever actually tried to upload a video to Facebook? It's not a 3 second procedure like the commercial makes it seem. It's actually a huge pain in the ass, and half the time it fails because Facebook's uploading program is complete shit. They should put that into a commercial, with people getting pissed because after they've tried to upload a video or a whole bunch of photos, they get an error message instead and fling their phone across the room. But, since the phone is so beastly, it still works after smashing into a wall. That would get me to buy a phone.

Also, that guy comes over letting them know someone at the company is leaving, and they've already had the party for him. Seriously, a 25 second party? What a bunch of assholes.

Stay tuned for my upcoming post, "Reviews of TV Shows I Haven't Actually Seen." It should be epic.

Happy New Year. May yours be filled with hilarious blog posts. Or informative ones. Or delicious ones.

-Jon

Quick Hits

Here's a couple of random thoughts I've been kicking around in the ol' thought-holder.

• Whenever there is a sitcom episode that is dedicated to a group of guys getting super excited about a big time boxing match, the match is always over in like one punch. While I am not a huge boxing fan, does this really occur this often in real life?


• I assumed "Love You Like a Love Song" was a pretty terribad song just based on the title, but I couldn't really know just how much it sucked strictly from Kate walking around the house singing it for a day. Now that I've heard it on her Pandora station, I have to wonder just what the hell is going on in pop music. This song needs a Slick analysis desperately in order to parse through its inane ramblings.


• "This Week in Lyrical Genius" needs a new title since it's not weekly.


• Why can't any company make bagels that can be purchased at Big Y but not taste like a homeless person's feet? And where can I acquire a toaster that toasts the whole bagel instead of burning the outside and leaving the middle all soft?


• Fallout: New Vegas is a fantastic game. Hopefully I finish it before Christmas, as it was a Christmas gift in 2010, and I'm embarrassed it took me this long to play.


• The M&M segment on the NFL Network's Thursday Night Kickoff program where Marshall Faulk and Michael Irvin discuss things that are going on around the league is absolutely fantastic. Irvin's debate style is just to increase his volume, and Faulk just seems to be absolutely baffled about how he got paired up with him. Unintentional hilarity at its finest.

-Jon

Stupid Cats 3...

This story isn't quite as good without my diagram.

Today when I was taking Odin out, Giles decided he wanted to be on the other side of the door (which is a common cat occurrence (because they're stupid)). Fine, I was already opening the door, so it did not inconvenience me. Well, not until he decided he would going to go under the door. Except that Giles, like all these dumb cats, is a fat shit, so he didn't make it smoothly under the door, which slammed the door back into my leg and knocked me off balance as I was stepping toward the steps.

On the plus side, when he got caught on the door, he panicked and tried to run way, which led him directly into the path of my flailing leg, thus giving him a decent kick.

Take that, jerk.

-Jon

I Need a New Career

Seriously.

What the hell am I doing with my life?

Think about your job. Think about your friends' jobs. Think about the jobs of people that aren't really your friends, but you still would say "hi" to them if you saw each other at Big Y. Or at least give them the 'sup head nod. Think about every job that you have ever had.

How many of these jobs required you to know how to divide polynomials? What about factoring quadratic trinomials? Graph rational functions? Simplify exponential expressions? Do you even know what any of these things are, or do you think that I'm making words up?

The answer is probably none, or maybe one if you happen to find an engineer that specifies in a very odd form of engineering. Other than that, there are almost no jobs that require a mathematical background beyond the ability to do basic maths and possibly work with percentages. And most people probably possess a cell phone that can handle those tasks. Yet high schools and colleges require everyone to take more advanced math classes, and I can't figure out why.

None of my students this semester are going into any fields that require a background in mathematics. So basically I'm wasting their time 4 days a week (or however many they show up for, since I don't have an attendance policy). Which means I am wasting my time as well. Teaching math to people who aren't going to use math is about as productive as counting grains of sand or digging holes to fill in later. Yeah, I kill some time, but what have I accomplished?

Nothing.

What a waste.

-Jon