Michael Jordan. . .

kind of sucks.

Just because Michael Jordan was a great basketball player and a great clutch shooter and a great dunker and a terrible baseball player and has cool shoes and owns the Charlotte Bobcats and starred in a movie with cartoon characters and Danny DeVito and was in a mediocre video game, people think he's a good guy. Well, he's not; he actually kind of sucks. Here's why:

1. He cheats on his wife. This doesn't even bother me anymore. Guys with power and opportunity are going to sleep with tons of women. However, I'll put this in here for all you young romantics out there who think otherwise.

BONUS: BLOG WITHIN A BLOG!

Big Time Athletes (and Jason Varitek) Cheat on Their Wives by Pat the Intern

There comes a time in an athlete's life when he chooses to cheat on his wife. Here is a small sample of men who have done that:

• Jason Varitek
• Allen Iverson
• Tiger Woods
• Michael Jordan
• Steve McNair
• Shaquille O'Neal
• Alex Rodriguez
• Brett Favre
• Kobe Bryant

Pat the Intern is assigning homework to all (Editor's note - both) the Mmmm, opinions loyal readers out there. The assignment is to go out and find more athletes who cheat on their wives. It's easy; I found these 9 by typing in "athletes who cheat on their wives" into Google and picking the nine most famous (except Jason Varitek. I just threw him in there because everyone in New England immortalizes him. In reality, he is a below-average catcher who cheats on his wife with female sideline reporters. Kudos to Tek though; Heidi Watney is pretty hot.). In fact, it is said that around 80% of professional athletes cheat on their wives!

This concludes the blog within the blog.

2. He is a jerk to his fans. I'm sure by now you have all heard the Chamillionaire/Michael Jordan story. Oh, you haven't? Well, here it is. And for those of you too lazy to click the link, rapper Chamillionaire asked to take a picture with Jordan. Jordan said, "I don't take pictures with niggas." Chamillionaire, confused, said, "I just paid $7,000 for your jersey at a charity event." Jordan replied, while laughing, "Tell you what. Give me $15,000 right now and I'll let you take a picture with me."
3. Gambling problems. Jordan is notorious for his gambling problems. In the book Michael and Me: Our Gambling Addiction... My Cry for Help, this real estate guy talks about how Jordan lost over a million dollars to him in golf. It also highlights how Jordan lost like $50,000 to a convicted cocaine dealer in poker. Maybe instead of working on his jump shot, he should've been working on his poker face! ZING!
4. The only thing about basketball he's good at is playing it. The Washington Wizards can thank Jordan for drafting Kwame Brown. They can also thank him for the brilliant trade in which the Wizards got Jerry Stackhouse for Richard Hamilton. These moves led directly to the zero championships the Wizards have compiled over the last 10 years.
5. He is a bitter asshole. Did you hear his Hall of Fame speech? Oh, you didn't? Well, here it is. What a weird speech. He just goes down a list of people he has grudges against. Honestly, who cares that Doug Collins didn't want you to play in the summer league? And even more honestly, who cares about the dude who made the varsity team over you like 32 years ago? Let it go, man. You didn't need to take a shot at the guy either; it's not like it was his choice to put himself on the team over you.

An honorable mention to the fact that he's a bad teammate. He would often yell at the GM and his teammates, and go gambling the night before a playoff game until well after midnight. Anyway, Michael Jordan kind of sucks, and no one should buy his shoes or his Space Jam posters anymore.

-Pat the Intern

Things Wrong With The Mighty Ducks Trilogy

The Mighty Ducks trilogy is the biggest sham perpetrated on American cinema patrons of all time. I’m so upset about it I’m just going to start listing things that come off the top of my head.

1. There is no “schoolyard” puck, as portrayed in D2. There isn’t a group of tough gangsters in SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES who play roller hockey. And even if there was, they would not have armpads, kneepads, helmets, and other proper equipment. Because nothing says gangsters and toughness like proper safety.
2. The movies are extremely racist. Gordon Bombay calls the line with Jesse Hall and his brother (Editor's note - I believe Jesse's brother is Terry), the black dudes, with Averman, the white dude in the middle, the “Oreo line.” And do I even need to comment on how the Latino guy is the one who is fast and has no other skills?
3. They have kids on the team who can only skate fast and have no other skills.
4. Roping isn’t a penalty and referees wouldn’t just make up penalty names on the spot. Not only does the kid go on the ice and physically assault someone with a weapon, he only gets 2 minutes for it.
5. Kids from Texas don’t play hockey and they certainly wouldn’t be good at it if they did.
6. Gordon Bombay gets a paid vacation and a limo for getting caught drunk driving.
7. Gordon Bombay leaves an unwed single mother and we are never given a reason why. (Editor's note - I bet he was busy getting in the crease of some hot Icelandic chicks, if you know what I mean!)
8. Goldberg made about 3 saves in all 3 movies combined on camera.
9. The team would rather play under the name “Ducks” than under the name USA. What arrogant pricks, they don’t even want to represent their own country.
10. That one dude wore a football helmet on the ice. (Editor's note - I believe that was Karp.)
11. I would be pumped if I knew a guy who was dating that Iceland chick. Not sit around and whine about it.
12. Averman is awful; there is no way he makes a national team.
13. There is no way a girl makes the national team at this level, let alone two.
14. Bombay is a jerk who wouldn’t let Adam Banks play hockey with his friends in the original.
15. Why did that old guy make those Ducks jerseys? Did he foresee them wanting to change jerseys at some point DURING the final game? Cause that is a weird thing to foresee.
16. D3 should have never been made.
17. Charlie Conway skips weeks of high school and isn’t punished for it.
18. There is no such thing as a JV play-by-play announcer.
19. D3 was just so awful I’m not even going to comment on it anymore.
20. Bombay leaves his successful lawyer job, in which he is making probably 6 figures, to coach in a recreational hockey league in which he isn’t getting paid. Brilliant.
21. The violence the bash brothers inflicted would be punished, not celebrated in youth hockey.
22. Trinidad and Tobago has a hockey team…
23. Trinidad and Tobago dance around after scoring…this made the score 7-1 USA
24. Goldberg let Trinidad and Tobago score.
25. They won like 2 games all year in the first Mighty Ducks yet made the playoffs. And how does an entire team get the measles? Seriously.

I think I can stop at 25, for now. This might end up being part 1 of an infinity part series.

-Pat the Intern

Home Alone was. . .

a warning about big banking!

At first glance, Home Alone seems innocent enough. It would appear to be a heart-warming holiday comedy starring rising child actor Macaulay Caulkin and acting veterans Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. However, writer John Hughes hid a deeper message in the movie that only I recently have uncovered, warning us about Big Banking becoming out of control in 2008. Try and stay with me: You would think Kevin McCallister (Caulkin’s character) would play the protagonist in this tale, and to the untrained eye he does. However, Kevin represents all the characteristics of big banking. 1. He’s out of control. McCallister runs around the entire movie out of control and unsupervised. Just like Big Banks. Kevin’s parents represent bank regulation. They are conveniently absent. 2. He robs middle class families and small businesses of wealth. Kevin not only steals from Buzz (his own brother!), but he also steals from a small shop. Yea! Remember that scene when Kevin steals the toothbrush and you are rooting for him to get away from the cop? Well I bet you are starting to realize you should’ve rooted for the cop. We could’ve avoided this whole issue. 3. He gets bailed out in the end. 4. He gets rewarded for causing a mess. We will get to those last two issues in a second. But first…

Let’s talk a bit about other characters and what they stand for. As stated, Kevin’s parents represent bank regulation. Kevin’s parents do not regulate (discipline) him throughout the movie, just as banks weren’t regulated in the 2000s. You might say, “Well his mother sends him to the attic, that’s regulating (disciplining) him for being bad.” I would say this: the attic is the place that he wants to go. Now he is out of the public eye, free to scheme ways to get rid of regulation. Just like big banks: when they are out of the public eye, they scheme ways to weaken regulation and make up things like subprime lending and mortgage backed securities.

Next I want to get to the heroes of the tale, Marv and Harry. Marv and Harry represent the working class, just trying to get a piece of the pie. They are tired of banks having all this wealth and being greedy with it. I mean, you see the houses on that street. They have way more stuff than you would ever need. All that Marv and Harry own is tattered clothing and a rape van. And that rape van was probably going to be repossessed. So Marv and Harry decide to take things into their own hands and try and get some wealth that the big banks possess. Kevin puts together traps to prevent them from getting wealth, the same ways big banks set up traps for the working class trying to buy homes (acquire wealth) such as Adjustable Rates and predatory lending. So, Harry and Marv decide it’s time to take action and bring Kevin to justice the same way the working class wanted to bring big banking to justice, by hanging them from a door and beating them with an iron. And when they have Kevin hanging up on a door, about to deliver a good old fashioned iron beating he gets “bailed out” by…

The federal government. Or I should say: the weird, old, neighbor who represents the federal government. In the beginning of the movie, everyone is afraid of him because he is so old, strange and complex (Just like our government) and everyone always thinks he’s up to no good (Just like our government!). By the end you fear and hate him because he saves Kevin from getting the beating he deserves.

As if that’s not enough he gets rewarded for the trouble he caused by getting a bonus, Christmas presents. The same way big banks gave their top executives bonuses in the midst of the banking crisis.

What does this all mean? It means we have to pay attention to the deeper meaning of things. It also means we all must watch Home Alone 2 and break down the real meaning of it. Maybe this time we won’t be too late and we will listen to the warnings John Hughes has given us.

-Pat the Intern