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That's right, this week we feature the Perry Family Band's offering "If I Die Young." Let me just begin by saying that I love this song. Like really unhealthily love it. Like possibly listened to 8 times in a row. Maybe. WHO KNOWS? That being said, the lyrics to this song are pretty dumb and nothing gives me more pleasure than making fun of other people's creativity. Also, as a sort of interesting backstory, The Band Perry is composed of three siblings. I just think that family bands must be really awkward when one of the band members wants to go bang a groupie. That just has to be an uncomfortable situation right? More interesting backstory, Kimberly Perry is like really, ridiculously good looking. So in the very unlikely chance that she and I ever end up dating, no one is to bring up this post where I bash her songwriting abilities? IS THAT CLEAR!?!? Under no circumstances is she to find out that Slick is really . . . no, wait. I can't divulge my secret identity. I've worked far too long to protect it. Finally, this song is not sung by Taylor Swift even though I was lied to and was told it was my girl T-Swifty. I should've known it wasn't her because it's not about an ex-boyfriend. I should always trust my Taylor Swift instincts, I knew it wasn't her but let myself get talked into it. Either way, let's just proceed to make fun of some lyrics.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Son of a bitch. I can already tell that this chick is going to be very high maintenance.
Lay me down on a bed roses
Ugh, fine. Let's go down to the flower shop and get this straightened out.
Me: How much would it cost to bury someone on a bed of roses?
Florist: Well that's going to set you back a pretty penny.
Me: Yeah I know but she really wanted it. So how much is it going to cost?
Florist: Well for a whole bed of roses you're going to need about 10 dozen roses. That's going to cost you about $600.
Me: How much for a bed of dandelions?
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me. WE JUST BURIED YOU, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SINK YOU IN A GODDAMN RIVER? Son of a bitch, I should've read her whole list of demands instead of just skimming the first couple words.
Send me away with the words of a love song
Not exactly the words I was thinking of right now.
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
I bet you thought rainbows were just refracted light. Dumbass, obviously they're dead people.
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray but she buries her baby
Ok, that's really sad. Even I'm not douchey enough to make fun of that. Ok, maybe I am. But I'm not going to.
The sharp knife of a short knife
Well, I've had just enough time
I'm not really sure what this means. Hopefully she explains it later.
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
Me: I thought she was going to be wearing rainbow colors?
Me (after trying to think about it for 20 minutes): No, she's going to be a rainbow you jackass. She's going to be wearing white. GOD! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I don't know, maybe an Emerald? OMG! Maybe it's a chaos emerald and that's the reason she died so young.
No? No Sonic the Hedgehog fans? Whatever, I thought it was funny.
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
This girl is obviously not from Ludlow.
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Even after you won't put out? Oh wait, I got it. This is sort of like that song by Meatloaf, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" where he's just saying whatever he's gotta say to get a lil' somethin' somethin'. Oh yeah, he'll love you forever. (wink wink)
Who would have thought that forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
I've had just enough time
YES! She did explain it. Phew, that was some really good foreshadowing. Wait, I still don't get the enough time thing. We're going to need the Hardy Boys to solve a mystery this big.
So put on your best, boys. I'll wear my pearls
A pearl necklace?
/definitely going to hell now
What I never did is done
head explodes
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
After the cost of the funeral/unburial/burial at sea you'll be lucky to get a penny for your fucking thoughts. Greedy bitch.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
Uhhh, no. It's the peace and quiet that's worth so much.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Yeah, well I paid a whole penny for them. I don't have that kind of money to just throw away.
Funny, when you're dead how people start listenin'
And all it took was the death of one high maintenance prude. Who'da thunk it?
-Slick
That title doesn't make any sense unless you're one of those people whose senses overlap. Synesthesia? I think that's what it's called. Anyway, I am of course referring to those photos of Tom Brady looking ridiculously gay. No, not the ones with male genitalia in or around his mouth. The ones where he's on vacation and decided that he wants to look like a 13 year old girl. This one.
Bahahaha take a look at your beloved golden boy quarterback now you faacckin homos. Now, while most people look at the photo and say, "Faggot" and be done with it, here at Mmmm, opinions we're all about taking a deeper look at things. Investigative journalism is where we hang our hat. Take a better look at the photo and you'll realize two things:
1.) Tom Brady's face is roughly 65% forehead.
2.) Tom Brady and I have the same hairline. That's not a good thing. For either of us.
I know. SHOCKING! The beloved heartthrob Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. didn't grow his hair out because Gisele wanted him to, he did it because he doesn't want you to know his hair is receding from his vastly overrated face. I always knew that "Oh Gisele wants him to grow it long" was a crock of shit. Even if she is worth $50 million more than him. It's true. I went to celebritynetworth.com and looked it up. FACT. Tom Brady is losing his hair and how else could he nail down those lucrative sponsorships like Uggs if he didn't have his deceptive flowing locks?
You know what else pisses me off about Tom Brady? No one mentions that he's a scumbag. Through extensive use of wikipedia and the always factual reporting of People magazine, I was able to come up with this timeline.
December 2006: Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan end their relationship.
January 2007: It's reported that Tom and Gisele began dating before Christmas of 2006. Hmmm, very interesting.
August 2007: Bridget gives birth to Tom Brady's first kid. That's weird. If you do some quick math, you'll see that Tom Brady knocked up Bridget Moynahan just weeks before she broke up with him and before the calendar turns over he's dating a Brazilian supermodel. Wow, what a classy fellow. Everyone is so quick to judge Antonio "Baby Mama Drama" Cromartie but we just sweep Tom Brady's indiscretions under the rug. The rug he'll soon have to wear because he's lost all of his hair. And that's how you bring it full circle.
I'm rambling so I'll bring this very poorly written post to a close with this: I realize most of our audience are Patriot fans so they probably won't care for this post. But Chris will like it. And that's good enough for me.
-Slick
