A Year of New England Weather...

as told by Facebook. Where possible, I tried to write with the lack of intelligence present in 80% of Facebook posts, so that's why there are so many typos.

January 3rd - Once Christmas is over, winter is kind of stupid...

January 8th - Snow!!!!1!!! :) <3

January 27th - Soooooooo siiick of snow!! :(

February 2nd - Fuck you groundhog I dont want 6 more weeks of winter!!!!!!

March 5th - Almost spring!!!!

March 21st - OMG SPRING IS HERE!!! Time to dress like a skank!! (The second sentence is only for females, and is implied but not usually written)

March 30th - If this is suposed to be spring, how come its still only 40 degrees out?!?

April 6th - Snow? Seriously? God damit!!

April 20th - Soooooooo siiiiiick of rainnnnn!!

May 15th - Can't wait for summahhhhh!!

May 28th - More rain?? How can it rain this much?

June 12th - Hooray! Summer!!

June 21st - Woohoo! First day of summer!! (This one is doubly dumb since most people have already claimed it to be summer AND then post about the actual first day of summer. People suck.)

June 25th - I love summer!!

June 26th until August 31st - Alternate between complaining about the heat and complaining when it's raining.

September 1st - Bye bye summer... :(

October 12th - Wow, this is way too [pick hot or cold] for October!!

November 5th - Not looking forward to the cold weather...

December 1st - Christmas! Snow! Hooray winter!!

December 18th - First snowfall!! I <3 snow!!!!!!!!!

December 27th - I hate the cold!! :( Is it almost spring yet?

And that about does it. I should make up a checklist and see how close my randomly made up dates are to when I find something similar to this on my News Feed. That might be a fun game for like... 15 minutes or so.

-Jon

Reservations are...

dumb.

I am of course referring to reservations at restaurants and not the place where the government stuck Native Americans in order to put them out of sight and therefore feel less guilty about stealing all their land and polluting the environment.

Kathryn and I tried to go to her favorite restaurant for a nice romantic dinner only to find out that they didn't have anything available because people had reserved all their tables. Well, that's just stupid. Wouldn't you rather have 2 people who are already in the restaurant rather than the potential of 2 people coming later? What if those people cancel? Then you'll probably feel pretty stupid that you didn't serve us instead of telling us that you're just super busy right now and we can't eat there.

We ended up going to a different restaurant that had a table available but still had several tables empty with "Reserved" signs sitting on them. Guess what? At least one of those parties canceled their reservation. I guess they should have given that table to someone who actually showed up instead of saving it for people who might come. But because they cling to the stupid idea of letting people reserve seats that they may not take, they may have lost out on customers. How foolish.

Now, I understand taking reservations for big parties. But if you've got a restaurant with very limited seating, and you do enough business that you feel like taking reservations is necessary, then you probably are popular to the point that you'll fill the restaurant without actually needing the reservations. Whatever happened to the good old days of first come, first served? This country is getting soft.

Stupid Facebook Story of the Week

Someone in my news feed posted (grammar and spelling has been corrected to protect my sanity): I don't get the big deal about Angry Birds. I just beat the whole game in 30 minutes.

Oh really? In 30 minutes, or 1800 seconds, you beat all 243 levels? Ignoring the fact that to actually beat the game, you have to get a 3-star score on every level, that would mean that this person spent an average of only 7.4 seconds on each level. Yeah, I call bullshit on this one.

And, in a segment I'm stealing from Slick, my jam of the week is Bonne Maman Strawberry Preserves. Try some on a fresh croissant. You won't be disappointed.

-Jon

What Should I Do?

What should I do?

Should I admit that I've made mistakes? I would have to make one first.

Should I remind you that I've done this before? Because I haven't. I'm not Brett Favre . . . in the retirement way, not the sending pictures of my dong to sluts who only are famous because they're hot and then get mad at you for only valuing them because of their looks way.

Should I give you a history lesson? Because I'm a history minor. Another aspect of my degree I'll probably never use.

Should I tell you how much fun we had? Well, more like how much fun you had reading my posts.

So . . . this is probably really awkward if you don't know what's going on yet.

Should I really believe I've ruined my legacy? I'm not sure I had a real legacy to ruin. Fuckcockdickballs. That's my legacy.

What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?

Should I go get a tattoo and then proceed to have it removed as some sort of apologetic gesture?

Do you want to see my shiny new shoes? I got them from DSW. They're pretty neat.

Should I just sell shoes? Shiny new shoes? Because I'm not sure I would make a very good shoe salesman. "Can I see these in a size 10?" "No, fuck off."

Should I tell you that I am not a role model? Please, you wish your kids has as much swag as me.

Seriously? What should I do?

Should I tell you that I'm a championship chaser? Because that wouldn't make any sense. That I did it for . . . uhhhhh, no money? For the rings? I hear the Mmmm franchise gives out rings for 1 year of service. I hope mine is the ring of power.

Should I be who you want me to be? That would be me playing by somebody else's rules . . . which I would never do.

Should I accept my role as the villain of Mmmm, opinions? "What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, That's the bad guy. So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth."

Maybe I should just disappear. God dammit, having the ring of power would be awesome.

Should I stop listening to my friends? They really had nothing to do with this blog, or know that it exists. STOP BLAMING THEM YOU MONSTERS!!!

Should I try acting? If that stupid fuck Robert Pattinson can be an actor I could probably do it. Then maybe Anne Hathaway would finally answer one of my letters without "Cease and Desist" at the top.

Should I make you laugh? I probably already do that with my awesome jokes and my quick wit.

Should we just clear the deck and start over? No fucking way, that's like playing "next goal wins" and that's for losers. Next thing you'll say we're all going to get trophies just for trying. Fuck that.

What should I do?

Should I be who you want me to be? Or should I just keep being fucking awesome?

Should I admit I was wrong and ask for forgiveness? Nah, screw that. I'm just going to keep being a fucking dick.

I'm back.

-Slick

An Open Letter

Dear Ludlow, All of Western Massachusetts, and Mmmm, opinions Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted last month, is no longer an Mmmm, opinions blogger.

This was announced with a zero day, narcissistic (maybe), self-promotional paragraph culminating with a short post about his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of blogging and probably the history of barely read blog entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the editor and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your favorite opinionated blog have not betrayed you nor EVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks (and months and years!!), we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much (well, not really, but whatever) and deserve so much more (ok, probably not, but just go with it).

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT MMMM, OPINIONS WILL WIN A PULITZER PRIZE (OR WHATEVER THEY GIVE TO INTERNET BUFFOONS) BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'SLICK' WINS ONE."

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the. . . uh, trophy/plaque/certificate/whatever, to my bookcase, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. Not really sure what this has to do with anything, but I wanted to make sure you knew the rules.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "angry one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on. . . uh, blogs? Who knows.

The self-declared former "Slick" will be taking the "curse" with him down the hall. To his bedroom. And until he does "right" by Mmmm, opinions and Pat the Intern, Slick (and the blog where he writes/curses) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Internet.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the entertainment you have long deserved (again, not really) and is long overdue (yeah, sorry I haven't been writing for a little while; my B, yo)....

Jon

Majority Writer

Mmmm [nouns] Franchise