Well, it was only a matter of time before we ended up here. "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull, the man with the name of a dog known for its tendency toward violence, and the face of a chihuahua. That is a Slick original joke right there. Don't let loyal mmmmopinion reader Chris let you think it was his. Totally wasn't. According to his wikipedia page, Pitbull says that he chose the name because pitbulls "bite to lock and are too stupid to give up." Well I agree with that, Pitbull is pretty stupid. The man, not the dog. But since I mentioned the animal let me take a brief minute to say that I don't think there's any reason pitbulls can't be good pets . . . but you know what, that will be an mmmmopinion later this week. Boom, teaser.
Anyway, like always I watched the music video about 7-8 times so that I can really hear the song and begin crafting my insults, and I noticed that Pitbull kept doing this weird thing with his mouth. So I went to over google and began typing "Why does Pitbull keep making weird faces?" but as I was doing it, google gave me that popdown list that included the question "Why does Pitbull always say dale (pronounced dah-lay)?" Dale is Spanish for "come on" or some shit like that. But someone answered that question with the following:
He's not saying dale, he's saying dade. He's from Miami which is in Dade County. That's why he always says it.
The point is, as always, people are stupid.
Anyway, let's get to the actual lyrics. But before we get there, it's important to note that the chorus of this song is essentially this: Grab somebody sexy, tell them hey, the world might end tomorrow. It probably won't, BUT IT COULD. So we should have sex tonight. Logic, FLAWLESS. Just keep that in mind.
Me not working hard?
Yeah right picture that with a kodak.
Alright, well we're not off to a great start since that in no way reflects how a Kodak works.
And better yet, go to Times Square
Take a picture of me with a kodak
The way he rhymed kodak with kodak, genius. Oh, and this might come as a surprise, but Pitbull is endorsed by Kodak. Shocking.
Took my life from negative to positive
And I just want y'all know that
Get it? Kodak . . . negative. Haha that's clever. Also, he used to be a drug dealer and now he's famous for being a shitty rapper. So that's something, I guess.
And tonight, let's enjoy life
Because we might not get tomorrow, yeah yeah, Ne-Yo told me that.
Take advantage of tonight
Cause tomorrow I'm off to do battle and perform for princes
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a goddamn second. Tomorrow you're off to . . . do battle? That not making any sense aside, if you're planning on doing stuff tomorrow, then why the fuck did I have sex with Ne-Yo? He told me we might not get tomorrow, WAS THAT ALL A LIE? That son of a BITCH.
But tonight, I can make you my queen
And make love to you endless
-ly. Endlessly. It's an adverb. #douchebagnitpicking
It's insane, the way the name growin’, money keep flowin’
Hustlers move in silence, so I’m tiptoein, keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan
Now, being a white kid from Ludlow I know very little about hustlin'. But Jay-Z claims to be a hustler and LOVES talking about how much he hustles and how fast he hustles. He's like the white kid on a basketball team, just a great hustler. I honestly don't know what any of the rest of it means but I do love a superfluous Lindsay Lohan reference.
Excuse me (excuse me) but I might drink a little more than I should, tonight
I might drink more than I should. Call it 63% likely.
And I might take you home with me if I could, tonight,
"Excuse me miss, can I take you home and dry hump your leg to climax, possibly?" Christ, he might drink too much. He might take you home. Something tells me that Pitbull struggles with being decisive. Maybe?
And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight
Because we might not get tomorrow
Oh, you fuckers need to make a decision about whether or not we're going to have a tomorrow.
Reach for the stars
And if you don’t grab em, at least you’re on top of the world
I'm not sure if you've heard but there's a party on the rooftop, top of the world. And, if there's time, we're going to dance on the edge of the Hollywood sign.
Think about it
Cause if you slip I’m gonna fall on top of you girl, hahaha
You probably fell because you drank too much. And seriously, he actually laughs in the song
What I'm involved in, it goes deeper than the Masons
Baby, baby and it ain’t no secret
After The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, Dan Brown just got really, really lazy. Don't expect Pitbull and the Masons to be a bestseller. Tom Hanks said he doesn't want to be in the movie, but Nicolas Cage said he would do it for $25 and half a sandwich.
My family’s from Cuba but I’m an American Idol
Makin' money like Seacrest
According to celebritynetworth.com, Ryan Seacrest is worth $125 million. Pitbull is worth $9 million. Although I do agree that you and Seacrest both make far too much money.
-Slick
Showing posts with label this week in lyrical genius. Show all posts
Showing posts with label this week in lyrical genius. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume VI: Jason Owen
In a move that will certainly anger dedicated mmmmopinion reader Melissa, I have to make fun of Jason Owen. And of course, by Jason Owen I mean Jake Owen. But I think his name should be Jason so that's what I'm going to call him. But before we get to Jason and his cliched piece of shit "Barefoot Blue Jean Night," I have to address some criticisms from my last Lyrical Genius post regarding the beautiful and talented Kimberly Perry. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Kathryn and Melissa. So yeah, maybe there are some pictures where Miss Perry looks like a bag of smashed assholes. So what? There's also pictures where she's been airbrushed and looks absolutely smoking. And I'm not the kind of person who makes judgments based on what people actually look like. I'm not that shallow. Instead, I make judgments based on pictures where every imperfection has been removed. That's just the kind of guy I am. So you hold your tongue the next time you want to insult someone who's only flaw is that they want to share their beautiful gift of music with you.
Alright, so Jason Owen sucks a lot of dick. Interesting fun fact about Mister Owen: his real name isn't Jason or Jake. It's actually Joshua. But Joshua isn't hillbilly enough to sell country music so he had to adopt the stage name Jake or some shit. None of this is in any way important/relevant. I just wanted to share some information I learned from wikipedia. But whatever he wants to call himself, this song really just epitomizes the worst about country music and music in general. Look at these lyrics and try to tell me that it takes more than a 2nd grade education to write this shit. YOU CAN'T.
A full moon shining bright
Edge of the water we were feeling alright
Oh god, it's only been two fucking lines and it's already terrible. Is there ever a country song that doesn't take place on the edge of the water? What was it, that ass in the sand song? I swear to god, the entire facebook community used those lyrics. Christ, if this thing is only half finished when it gets posted it's because I went to kill myself.
Back down a country road
Of course it is. The only way to get to any body of water is down a country road. Why don't you people invest in some fucking infrastructure?
The girls are always hot and the beer is ice cold
That's what happens when you put beer in ice and only invite good looking girls to hang out with you.
Cadillac, horns on the hood
The only thing that makes this funny is that I keep picturing the guy from the Simpsons who has a pair of longhorns attached to his car. I thought that was a joke. I didn't know people actually did that. No wonder this country is turning to shit.
My buddy Frankie had his dad hook him up good
Now, keep in mind that Jason Owen is 30 years old. So either he's hanging out with, I don't know, like 17 year olds OR he and his friends are still using their dads' cars. I'd say it's about 50/50. I really can't decide which is more likely.
Girls smile when we roll by
Who'd have thought that girls would take advantage of guys with nice cars. Mind ... BLOWN.
They hop in the back and we cruise to the riverside
That's twice, TWICE, in the first eight lines of the song that Jason has to tell you that they're hanging out by the water. "Oh, do you not get to hang out by the water? Cause my buddy's dad has some lakeside property. It's pretty sweet. You should come by some time and bring some chicks, but no fatties or uggos. And bring some beer, but only if it has two bars showing. That's how you know it's supercold. Down by the water."
Never gonna grow up
Barf.
Never gonna slow down
Puke.
We were shinin like lighters in the dark in the middle of a rock show
That doesn't even make any fucking sense.
We were doin' it right
Doing what right? Hanging out by the water drinking beer? You can do that in Ludlow when you're 14.
We were comin' alive
WILD TIMES A'COMIN'.
Yeah, caught up in a Southern, summer barefoot bluejean night
"They said I couldn't get 4 adjectives in the last line of the chorus, but I totally did it anyway."
Blue eyes and auburn hair
Sittin' lookin' pretty by the fire in a lawn chair
Oh good, I was hoping for a lawn chair reference.
New to town, and new to me
Her ruby red lips was sippin' on sweet tea
Country roads. Horns on cars. Bluejean nights. Sweet tea. If this song gets any more country it's going to try to fuck it's sister.
Shot me a look like a shootin' star
What the fuck does that even mean? Nothing in this song makes any sense. It's just a collection of words. Douchetard.
So, I grabbed a beer and my ol' guitar
Oh fuck, of course you did. "Hey there's a girl I haven't banged yet. Well wait until I dust off the old pipes. Then she'll be dustin' off my pipe, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!"
Then we sat around till the break of dawn
Howlin' and singin' our favorite song
Did I not tell you crazy times were a'comin? I TOLD YOU CRAZY TIMES WERE A COMIN! Holy shit! Drinking beer around a fire and singing, NOBODY PARTIES LIKE WE DO! Oh shit, is it already dawn cause Frankie's got to get his dad's car back before 8.
That was the worst one so far.
-Slick
Alright, so Jason Owen sucks a lot of dick. Interesting fun fact about Mister Owen: his real name isn't Jason or Jake. It's actually Joshua. But Joshua isn't hillbilly enough to sell country music so he had to adopt the stage name Jake or some shit. None of this is in any way important/relevant. I just wanted to share some information I learned from wikipedia. But whatever he wants to call himself, this song really just epitomizes the worst about country music and music in general. Look at these lyrics and try to tell me that it takes more than a 2nd grade education to write this shit. YOU CAN'T.
A full moon shining bright
Edge of the water we were feeling alright
Oh god, it's only been two fucking lines and it's already terrible. Is there ever a country song that doesn't take place on the edge of the water? What was it, that ass in the sand song? I swear to god, the entire facebook community used those lyrics. Christ, if this thing is only half finished when it gets posted it's because I went to kill myself.
Back down a country road
Of course it is. The only way to get to any body of water is down a country road. Why don't you people invest in some fucking infrastructure?
The girls are always hot and the beer is ice cold
That's what happens when you put beer in ice and only invite good looking girls to hang out with you.
Cadillac, horns on the hood
The only thing that makes this funny is that I keep picturing the guy from the Simpsons who has a pair of longhorns attached to his car. I thought that was a joke. I didn't know people actually did that. No wonder this country is turning to shit.
My buddy Frankie had his dad hook him up good
Now, keep in mind that Jason Owen is 30 years old. So either he's hanging out with, I don't know, like 17 year olds OR he and his friends are still using their dads' cars. I'd say it's about 50/50. I really can't decide which is more likely.
Girls smile when we roll by
Who'd have thought that girls would take advantage of guys with nice cars. Mind ... BLOWN.
They hop in the back and we cruise to the riverside
That's twice, TWICE, in the first eight lines of the song that Jason has to tell you that they're hanging out by the water. "Oh, do you not get to hang out by the water? Cause my buddy's dad has some lakeside property. It's pretty sweet. You should come by some time and bring some chicks, but no fatties or uggos. And bring some beer, but only if it has two bars showing. That's how you know it's supercold. Down by the water."
Never gonna grow up
Barf.
Never gonna slow down
Puke.
We were shinin like lighters in the dark in the middle of a rock show
That doesn't even make any fucking sense.
We were doin' it right
Doing what right? Hanging out by the water drinking beer? You can do that in Ludlow when you're 14.
We were comin' alive
WILD TIMES A'COMIN'.
Yeah, caught up in a Southern, summer barefoot bluejean night
"They said I couldn't get 4 adjectives in the last line of the chorus, but I totally did it anyway."
Blue eyes and auburn hair
Sittin' lookin' pretty by the fire in a lawn chair
Oh good, I was hoping for a lawn chair reference.
New to town, and new to me
Her ruby red lips was sippin' on sweet tea
Country roads. Horns on cars. Bluejean nights. Sweet tea. If this song gets any more country it's going to try to fuck it's sister.
Shot me a look like a shootin' star
What the fuck does that even mean? Nothing in this song makes any sense. It's just a collection of words. Douchetard.
So, I grabbed a beer and my ol' guitar
Oh fuck, of course you did. "Hey there's a girl I haven't banged yet. Well wait until I dust off the old pipes. Then she'll be dustin' off my pipe, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!"
Then we sat around till the break of dawn
Howlin' and singin' our favorite song
Did I not tell you crazy times were a'comin? I TOLD YOU CRAZY TIMES WERE A COMIN! Holy shit! Drinking beer around a fire and singing, NOBODY PARTIES LIKE WE DO! Oh shit, is it already dawn cause Frankie's got to get his dad's car back before 8.
That was the worst one so far.
-Slick
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume V: The Band Perry
That's right, this week we feature the Perry Family Band's offering "If I Die Young." Let me just begin by saying that I love this song. Like really unhealthily love it. Like possibly listened to 8 times in a row. Maybe. WHO KNOWS? That being said, the lyrics to this song are pretty dumb and nothing gives me more pleasure than making fun of other people's creativity. Also, as a sort of interesting backstory, The Band Perry is composed of three siblings. I just think that family bands must be really awkward when one of the band members wants to go bang a groupie. That just has to be an uncomfortable situation right? More interesting backstory, Kimberly Perry is like really, ridiculously good looking. So in the very unlikely chance that she and I ever end up dating, no one is to bring up this post where I bash her songwriting abilities? IS THAT CLEAR!?!? Under no circumstances is she to find out that Slick is really . . . no, wait. I can't divulge my secret identity. I've worked far too long to protect it. Finally, this song is not sung by Taylor Swift even though I was lied to and was told it was my girl T-Swifty. I should've known it wasn't her because it's not about an ex-boyfriend. I should always trust my Taylor Swift instincts, I knew it wasn't her but let myself get talked into it. Either way, let's just proceed to make fun of some lyrics.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Son of a bitch. I can already tell that this chick is going to be very high maintenance.
Lay me down on a bed roses
Ugh, fine. Let's go down to the flower shop and get this straightened out.
Me: How much would it cost to bury someone on a bed of roses?
Florist: Well that's going to set you back a pretty penny.
Me: Yeah I know but she really wanted it. So how much is it going to cost?
Florist: Well for a whole bed of roses you're going to need about 10 dozen roses. That's going to cost you about $600.
Me: How much for a bed of dandelions?
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me. WE JUST BURIED YOU, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SINK YOU IN A GODDAMN RIVER? Son of a bitch, I should've read her whole list of demands instead of just skimming the first couple words.
Send me away with the words of a love song
Not exactly the words I was thinking of right now.
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
I bet you thought rainbows were just refracted light. Dumbass, obviously they're dead people.
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray but she buries her baby
Ok, that's really sad. Even I'm not douchey enough to make fun of that. Ok, maybe I am. But I'm not going to.
The sharp knife of a short knife
Well, I've had just enough time
I'm not really sure what this means. Hopefully she explains it later.
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
Me: I thought she was going to be wearing rainbow colors?
Me (after trying to think about it for 20 minutes): No, she's going to be a rainbow you jackass. She's going to be wearing white. GOD! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I don't know, maybe an Emerald? OMG! Maybe it's a chaos emerald and that's the reason she died so young.
No? No Sonic the Hedgehog fans? Whatever, I thought it was funny.
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
This girl is obviously not from Ludlow.
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Even after you won't put out? Oh wait, I got it. This is sort of like that song by Meatloaf, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" where he's just saying whatever he's gotta say to get a lil' somethin' somethin'. Oh yeah, he'll love you forever. (wink wink)
Who would have thought that forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
I've had just enough time
YES! She did explain it. Phew, that was some really good foreshadowing. Wait, I still don't get the enough time thing. We're going to need the Hardy Boys to solve a mystery this big.
So put on your best, boys. I'll wear my pearls
A pearl necklace?
/definitely going to hell now
What I never did is done
head explodes
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
After the cost of the funeral/unburial/burial at sea you'll be lucky to get a penny for your fucking thoughts. Greedy bitch.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
Uhhh, no. It's the peace and quiet that's worth so much.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Yeah, well I paid a whole penny for them. I don't have that kind of money to just throw away.
Funny, when you're dead how people start listenin'
And all it took was the death of one high maintenance prude. Who'da thunk it?
-Slick
If I die young, bury me in satin
Son of a bitch. I can already tell that this chick is going to be very high maintenance.
Lay me down on a bed roses
Ugh, fine. Let's go down to the flower shop and get this straightened out.
Me: How much would it cost to bury someone on a bed of roses?
Florist: Well that's going to set you back a pretty penny.
Me: Yeah I know but she really wanted it. So how much is it going to cost?
Florist: Well for a whole bed of roses you're going to need about 10 dozen roses. That's going to cost you about $600.
Me: How much for a bed of dandelions?
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me. WE JUST BURIED YOU, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SINK YOU IN A GODDAMN RIVER? Son of a bitch, I should've read her whole list of demands instead of just skimming the first couple words.
Send me away with the words of a love song
Not exactly the words I was thinking of right now.
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
I bet you thought rainbows were just refracted light. Dumbass, obviously they're dead people.
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray but she buries her baby
Ok, that's really sad. Even I'm not douchey enough to make fun of that. Ok, maybe I am. But I'm not going to.
The sharp knife of a short knife
Well, I've had just enough time
I'm not really sure what this means. Hopefully she explains it later.
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
Me: I thought she was going to be wearing rainbow colors?
Me (after trying to think about it for 20 minutes): No, she's going to be a rainbow you jackass. She's going to be wearing white. GOD! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I don't know, maybe an Emerald? OMG! Maybe it's a chaos emerald and that's the reason she died so young.
No? No Sonic the Hedgehog fans? Whatever, I thought it was funny.
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
This girl is obviously not from Ludlow.
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Even after you won't put out? Oh wait, I got it. This is sort of like that song by Meatloaf, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" where he's just saying whatever he's gotta say to get a lil' somethin' somethin'. Oh yeah, he'll love you forever. (wink wink)
Who would have thought that forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
I've had just enough time
YES! She did explain it. Phew, that was some really good foreshadowing. Wait, I still don't get the enough time thing. We're going to need the Hardy Boys to solve a mystery this big.
So put on your best, boys. I'll wear my pearls
A pearl necklace?
/definitely going to hell now
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
After the cost of the funeral/unburial/burial at sea you'll be lucky to get a penny for your fucking thoughts. Greedy bitch.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
Uhhh, no. It's the peace and quiet that's worth so much.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Yeah, well I paid a whole penny for them. I don't have that kind of money to just throw away.
Funny, when you're dead how people start listenin'
And all it took was the death of one high maintenance prude. Who'da thunk it?
-Slick
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
This Week In Lyrical Genius: Joan Osborne
Now you're probably thinking, why the hell did I come to mmmmopinions? Nobody even writes anything anymore. Now you're thinking, wait "lyrical genius" does that mean Slick is back? Now you're thinking, who the hell is Joan Osborne? And the answers to those questions are I'm sorry, yes, and that chick who the wrote the song about God being one of us. I had to go to North Adams today on business, and I heard this song on my way there. But oh my god, that trip takes so long. It takes about 45-50 minutes to get to Greenfield (aka the land of pugs) from my house, AND YOU'RE ONLY HALF WAY THERE!!!! I spent three hours in the car today and was annoyed. We are very fortunate that I wasn't in charge of colonizing America. "Six months in a boat? Are you kidding me? Fuck that, I'd rather just be one of the oppressed masses." That's assuming that I could have survived renaissance times and the colonial era without killing myself from having to eat nothing but slops and pig rectum. Delicious, delicious pig rectums. But anyway, I heard "One of Us" and decided that I should write a post about how crappy the lyrics are. So away we go:
If God had a name, what would it be?
Now as you know, I don't claim to be any sort of religious expert, but I'm fairly certain that God did have a name. I think it was Yahweh. If I remember Indiana Jones correctly, I'm pretty sure that was his name, except in Latin it's spelled with an "I." Nevertheless, a quick google search tells me that God told Moses his name was "I AM WHO I AM" which sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. It also sounds like something Descartes would say and that guy was such a douche.
And would you call it to his face?
Yeah, that's what names are for.
If you were faced with him and all his glory,
What would you ask if you had just one question?
Could you remake the last season of Lost so that it doesn't suck?
And yeah, yeah, God is great.
Noted.
Yeah, yeah, God is good.
But you just said . . . ? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Maybe?
What if God was one of us?
I'm pretty sure he was, and follow me on this argument. There's only one God, but he's got multiple identity disorder and thinks of himself as a trinity so he calls himself God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost, which sounds way more badass and terrifying). But Jesus, was somehow all human and all divine. I got into an argument with one of my professors on how that doesn't make any sense. She did not like that I was questioning her beliefs. I did not do well in that class. But anyway, if Jesus was divine and human, and Jesus is God or is part of God or is God's son but is also God, that makes God a human. Therefore, he is one of us. Suck on that bitch.
Just a slob like one of us?
I don't know. That's just so stupid I can't even think of anything funny to say.
Just a stranger on the bus
trying to make his way home
Do you realize how sad God's life is? Not only will nobody call him his name to his face, he's also a slob who's forced to take public transportation. No wonder Jesus just let himself get killed: crucifixion sounds a whole lot better than having to ride the bus with a bunch of slobby asshats.
If God had a face, what would it look like?
And would you want to see?
Fuck, one question at a time please. I imagine he would look something like Jesus but with less facial hair and sick abs. And yes, absolutely. Why? What do you know? Does he have some kind of deformity? Is that why he's so shy? Now I'm not so sure.
If seeing meant that you would have to believe . . .
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would make that trade. "I get to look upon the face of God, but only if I believe in him afterwards? That's a pretty tough bargain. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, LADY!"
in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and alllllllllllllll the prophets
Oh, well then fuck that. I can accept Jesus and heaven and all the normal stuff. But the saints and prophets are a bunch of cumguzzlers. Besides, the Catholic Church, for some reason, gets to decide who gets to be a saint. Why did they desanctify Saint Christopher? Now who's going to watch our asses on roads and highways? WE'RE ALL SCREWED.
Then she repeats the nonsense about the bus and stuff before getting into the dumbest part of the song.
Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Again, I'm no expert on religious matters, but isn't the idea that if you're a good person you get to go to heaven and chill out with God? Isn't that the whole reason for having a church? "Well yeah, you lived a good Christian life and saved all the blind, deaf schoolchildren from that fire, but here's the thing: God really likes his space and heaven's really more of a one bedroom apartment so . . . ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HELL YOU RAT BASTARD!!!! HAHAHAHA"
Nobody calling on the phone
This song came out in 1995, so there weren't any cellphones around. Can you imagine how expensive it would have been to run a landline to heaven? Plus, long distance calls were ridiculously expensive back then. I don't blame anyone for not calling. I mean, you're just going to see him on the bus again tomorrow, is there anything that's so important you can't wait one day?
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Now here's my favorite/dumbest line in the entire song. If the Pope really needs to use a telephone to communicate with God, that's just so dumb it would make your head explode if you really thought about it. The Pope is supposed to be God's earthly representative or some bullshit like that, so I seriously doubt that if God really exists, that he would need a telephone. Although that might explain the whole church-child rape thing.
"What's that God? I can't quite hear you, there's a lot of static on my end? What did you say? Did you say rape little boys? That seems like a weird thing to say, but alright I guess if that's what you want." God told Abraham to kill his only son. The guy's a little fucked up. Maybe he really did say to rape the children. Dammit. Why did I have to use my one question on fixing Lost?
Well, I'm going to hell.
-Slick
If God had a name, what would it be?
Now as you know, I don't claim to be any sort of religious expert, but I'm fairly certain that God did have a name. I think it was Yahweh. If I remember Indiana Jones correctly, I'm pretty sure that was his name, except in Latin it's spelled with an "I." Nevertheless, a quick google search tells me that God told Moses his name was "I AM WHO I AM" which sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. It also sounds like something Descartes would say and that guy was such a douche.
And would you call it to his face?
Yeah, that's what names are for.
If you were faced with him and all his glory,
What would you ask if you had just one question?
Could you remake the last season of Lost so that it doesn't suck?
And yeah, yeah, God is great.
Noted.
Yeah, yeah, God is good.
But you just said . . . ? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Maybe?
What if God was one of us?
I'm pretty sure he was, and follow me on this argument. There's only one God, but he's got multiple identity disorder and thinks of himself as a trinity so he calls himself God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost, which sounds way more badass and terrifying). But Jesus, was somehow all human and all divine. I got into an argument with one of my professors on how that doesn't make any sense. She did not like that I was questioning her beliefs. I did not do well in that class. But anyway, if Jesus was divine and human, and Jesus is God or is part of God or is God's son but is also God, that makes God a human. Therefore, he is one of us. Suck on that bitch.
Just a slob like one of us?
I don't know. That's just so stupid I can't even think of anything funny to say.
Just a stranger on the bus
trying to make his way home
Do you realize how sad God's life is? Not only will nobody call him his name to his face, he's also a slob who's forced to take public transportation. No wonder Jesus just let himself get killed: crucifixion sounds a whole lot better than having to ride the bus with a bunch of slobby asshats.
If God had a face, what would it look like?
And would you want to see?
Fuck, one question at a time please. I imagine he would look something like Jesus but with less facial hair and sick abs. And yes, absolutely. Why? What do you know? Does he have some kind of deformity? Is that why he's so shy? Now I'm not so sure.
If seeing meant that you would have to believe . . .
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would make that trade. "I get to look upon the face of God, but only if I believe in him afterwards? That's a pretty tough bargain. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, LADY!"
in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and alllllllllllllll the prophets
Oh, well then fuck that. I can accept Jesus and heaven and all the normal stuff. But the saints and prophets are a bunch of cumguzzlers. Besides, the Catholic Church, for some reason, gets to decide who gets to be a saint. Why did they desanctify Saint Christopher? Now who's going to watch our asses on roads and highways? WE'RE ALL SCREWED.
Then she repeats the nonsense about the bus and stuff before getting into the dumbest part of the song.
Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Again, I'm no expert on religious matters, but isn't the idea that if you're a good person you get to go to heaven and chill out with God? Isn't that the whole reason for having a church? "Well yeah, you lived a good Christian life and saved all the blind, deaf schoolchildren from that fire, but here's the thing: God really likes his space and heaven's really more of a one bedroom apartment so . . . ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HELL YOU RAT BASTARD!!!! HAHAHAHA"
Nobody calling on the phone
This song came out in 1995, so there weren't any cellphones around. Can you imagine how expensive it would have been to run a landline to heaven? Plus, long distance calls were ridiculously expensive back then. I don't blame anyone for not calling. I mean, you're just going to see him on the bus again tomorrow, is there anything that's so important you can't wait one day?
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Now here's my favorite/dumbest line in the entire song. If the Pope really needs to use a telephone to communicate with God, that's just so dumb it would make your head explode if you really thought about it. The Pope is supposed to be God's earthly representative or some bullshit like that, so I seriously doubt that if God really exists, that he would need a telephone. Although that might explain the whole church-child rape thing.
"What's that God? I can't quite hear you, there's a lot of static on my end? What did you say? Did you say rape little boys? That seems like a weird thing to say, but alright I guess if that's what you want." God told Abraham to kill his only son. The guy's a little fucked up. Maybe he really did say to rape the children. Dammit. Why did I have to use my one question on fixing Lost?
Well, I'm going to hell.
-Slick
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume III
Does anyone actually think these are funny? I don't know. I don't give a shit. Sorry about the delay, I've just been super busy lately. Katy Perry was on "How I Met Your Mother" on Monday so I figured I would make fun of her this week. As I'm sure you all know, Katy Perry rose to fame with her smash hit, "I Kissed a Girl." And if I remember correctly, I think she liked it. And since then it's just been nonsensical jibberish after nonsensical jibberish. Except for "Hot n cold." That song is my jam. But man, those boobs could sell anything. This week we have "Firework" which I can only assume will be as bad as Bruno Mars and Ke$ha. Not coincidentally, all three artists appear on Pandora's "Really Crappy Pop Music" channel . . . probably.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Uhhhhhhh yeah, only always.
Drifting through the wind
Oh, well then nevermind.
Wanting to start again
I don't get it. I'm supposed to feel like a plastic bag. What am I supposed to want to start again? Holding more groceries?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
I don't know what that feeling is supposed to feel like. I think this song may be directed at fat teenage girls. "That Katy Perry with her incredible body and huge tits, she really understands the pain I'm going through."
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
I'm not really getting these metaphors. Plastic bag, house of cards, a . . . zombie, maybe? But really I feel like a firework and I'm not sure she understands that.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Now everybody sing, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Oh this little light of mine . . ."
Just own the night
You've gotta go out there and be the best damned woman of the night you can possibly be.
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
What? She does know I feel like a firework? GAAAAAH SHE TOTALLY GETS ME! THIS SONG MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW!!!!!!!
C'mon let your colors burst
What the fuck does that mean?
Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"
Wait, hold on. Burst . . . "Oh, oh oh." Now get it. It's about sex. I think Katy Perry wants to see your "Oh, oh, oh" face.
You're going to leave them falling down-own-own
That makes sense if you're talking about sex (which clearly she isn't) but what does that have to do with fireworks? Who sees fireworks and is like, "Holy shit, this is too intense. I gotta sit down." This is the problem with today's music. Just throw a bunch of words together. Who gives a shit if they rhyme or make any sense. Throw a hot beat on that and we got a top 10 single. Fucking kids.
You don't have to feel, like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you feel like a waste of space, then you probably are. This is more of that, "Everybody's special" crap which is why kids are becoming a bunch of pussies.
If you only knew, what the future holds
Then it would be boring because you already know what happens. What? Bruce Willis is already dead the entire time in the Sixth Sense? FUCK! Now, I don't need to watch it.
/makes timely Sixth Sense jokes.
After a hurricane, comes a rainbow
Yeah, but is it a double rainbow? Then I'm not going to bother looking.
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Your life is going to be nothing but kittens and rainbows and everything's going to be perfect. Puke.
-Slick
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Uhhhhhhh yeah, only always.
Drifting through the wind
Oh, well then nevermind.
Wanting to start again
I don't get it. I'm supposed to feel like a plastic bag. What am I supposed to want to start again? Holding more groceries?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
I don't know what that feeling is supposed to feel like. I think this song may be directed at fat teenage girls. "That Katy Perry with her incredible body and huge tits, she really understands the pain I'm going through."
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
I'm not really getting these metaphors. Plastic bag, house of cards, a . . . zombie, maybe? But really I feel like a firework and I'm not sure she understands that.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Now everybody sing, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Oh this little light of mine . . ."
Just own the night
You've gotta go out there and be the best damned woman of the night you can possibly be.
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
What? She does know I feel like a firework? GAAAAAH SHE TOTALLY GETS ME! THIS SONG MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW!!!!!!!
C'mon let your colors burst
What the fuck does that mean?
Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"
Wait, hold on. Burst . . . "Oh, oh oh." Now get it. It's about sex. I think Katy Perry wants to see your "Oh, oh, oh" face.
You're going to leave them falling down-own-own
That makes sense if you're talking about sex (which clearly she isn't) but what does that have to do with fireworks? Who sees fireworks and is like, "Holy shit, this is too intense. I gotta sit down." This is the problem with today's music. Just throw a bunch of words together. Who gives a shit if they rhyme or make any sense. Throw a hot beat on that and we got a top 10 single. Fucking kids.
You don't have to feel, like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you feel like a waste of space, then you probably are. This is more of that, "Everybody's special" crap which is why kids are becoming a bunch of pussies.
If you only knew, what the future holds
Then it would be boring because you already know what happens. What? Bruce Willis is already dead the entire time in the Sixth Sense? FUCK! Now, I don't need to watch it.
/makes timely Sixth Sense jokes.
After a hurricane, comes a rainbow
Yeah, but is it a double rainbow? Then I'm not going to bother looking.
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Your life is going to be nothing but kittens and rainbows and everything's going to be perfect. Puke.
-Slick
Monday, January 31, 2011
This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume II
Chris' "friend" Lindsay wants me to make fun of Ke$ha's "We Are Who We Are" and who am I to deny such a request? So, let's take a closer look at what is sure to be just an awful, awful combination of words.
Hot and dangerous
If you're one of us then roll with us
Already this song begins with a lie because if you've ever seen Ke$ha you know that she is nowhere near anything you could call hot. She looks like a thirteen year old boy. I was going to make a being attracted to 13 year old boys joke, but I don't want to get arrested. So . . . moving on . . .
'Cause we make the hipsters fall in love
I assume all you have to do to get a hipster to fall in love with you is to stop washing, well pretty much everything.
When we get our hotpants on enough
Oh yeah, and hotpants. Hipsters love their hotpants.
And yes, of course we does
Who wrote this song? The Family Guy manatees?
We're running this town just like a club
Oh, so then it will cost $15 to get in, $5 for a bud light and won't be very fun. Plus it will probably be filled with a bunch of Persian people. Fucking Persian people.
And no, you don't wanna mess with us
You are correct. I don't want to mess with a tranny in hotpants. Not again.
Got Jesus on my neck-uh-lace
I'm not going to claim to know very much about Jesus, but I can guarantee that he did not die in order to save people like Ke$ha.
Got that glitter on my eyes
Nothing screams "classy lady" like body glitter. No wait, that's not right. Oh yeah, nothing screams "dirty hooker infested with STD's" like body glitter. Honest mistake.
Stockings ripped all up the side
"Yeah, I had the stockings on. But how is a guy supposed to know I'm willing to fuck him out back on a dumpster if I don't cut them up the side?"
Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let's go-oo-h-oh, LET'S GO!
Tonight we're going har-har-har-har-har-hard
I'm a pussy and even I don't consider anything she's said to be hard.
Just like the world is our-our-our-our-our-ours
We're tearing it apar-par-par-par-par-part
You know we're superstars.
We are who we are.
This is stupid but I'm saving my hate for verse 2.
DJ turn it up
It's about damn time to live it up
Oh? What we've just been doing? That was child's play. NOW IT'S TIME TO LIVE!
I'm so sick of being so serious
It's making my brain delirious
Yes, god forbid you put three minutes into writing a song so it doesn't sound like complete crap.
I'm just talking truth
Did you think I was lying? No, honestly we are this hardcore. We hang out with hippies and wear hotpants and all sorts of stuff society doesn't want us to do.
Telling you about the shit we do
Ke$ha: Alright, so this one time we were out behind Old Man Jenkins' barn just wallowing in the mud with the pigs. You know, getting really, really dirty. And I was like, "Hey, should I take a shower before we go out?" And my friend was like, "Nah, just put on some stockings but rip them up the sides." SO THAT'S WHAT I DID! ARE YOUR FRIENDS THIS HARDCORE? I DIDN'T THINK SO.
We're sellin' our clothes, sleepin' in cars
Totally taking my welfare money to the hairdresser. Mama's got to get her hair did.
Dressin' it down, hittin' on dudes . . . hard.
But keep it real for a second, is there any other way to do it?
I can't believe people like this song. I can't believe somebody wrote this song and was like, "Yup, that's a winner." Going into this post if you were like, "Hey Bill could these lyrics be any stupider than Bruno Mars?" I would have been like, "That's impossible." Yet, here we are. At least Bruno's had a point, I think? I don't know. The worse part about writing these posts is that now I know all the words and can't get them out of my head. Excuse me while I go kill myself.
-Slick
Hot and dangerous
If you're one of us then roll with us
Already this song begins with a lie because if you've ever seen Ke$ha you know that she is nowhere near anything you could call hot. She looks like a thirteen year old boy. I was going to make a being attracted to 13 year old boys joke, but I don't want to get arrested. So . . . moving on . . .
'Cause we make the hipsters fall in love
I assume all you have to do to get a hipster to fall in love with you is to stop washing, well pretty much everything.
When we get our hotpants on enough
Oh yeah, and hotpants. Hipsters love their hotpants.
And yes, of course we does
Who wrote this song? The Family Guy manatees?
We're running this town just like a club
Oh, so then it will cost $15 to get in, $5 for a bud light and won't be very fun. Plus it will probably be filled with a bunch of Persian people. Fucking Persian people.
And no, you don't wanna mess with us
You are correct. I don't want to mess with a tranny in hotpants. Not again.
Got Jesus on my neck-uh-lace
I'm not going to claim to know very much about Jesus, but I can guarantee that he did not die in order to save people like Ke$ha.
Got that glitter on my eyes
Nothing screams "classy lady" like body glitter. No wait, that's not right. Oh yeah, nothing screams "dirty hooker infested with STD's" like body glitter. Honest mistake.
Stockings ripped all up the side
"Yeah, I had the stockings on. But how is a guy supposed to know I'm willing to fuck him out back on a dumpster if I don't cut them up the side?"
Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let's go-oo-h-oh, LET'S GO!
Tonight we're going har-har-har-har-har-hard
I'm a pussy and even I don't consider anything she's said to be hard.
Just like the world is our-our-our-our-our-ours
We're tearing it apar-par-par-par-par-part
You know we're superstars.
We are who we are.
This is stupid but I'm saving my hate for verse 2.
DJ turn it up
It's about damn time to live it up
Oh? What we've just been doing? That was child's play. NOW IT'S TIME TO LIVE!
I'm so sick of being so serious
It's making my brain delirious
Yes, god forbid you put three minutes into writing a song so it doesn't sound like complete crap.
I'm just talking truth
Did you think I was lying? No, honestly we are this hardcore. We hang out with hippies and wear hotpants and all sorts of stuff society doesn't want us to do.
Telling you about the shit we do
Ke$ha: Alright, so this one time we were out behind Old Man Jenkins' barn just wallowing in the mud with the pigs. You know, getting really, really dirty. And I was like, "Hey, should I take a shower before we go out?" And my friend was like, "Nah, just put on some stockings but rip them up the sides." SO THAT'S WHAT I DID! ARE YOUR FRIENDS THIS HARDCORE? I DIDN'T THINK SO.
We're sellin' our clothes, sleepin' in cars
Totally taking my welfare money to the hairdresser. Mama's got to get her hair did.
Dressin' it down, hittin' on dudes . . . hard.
But keep it real for a second, is there any other way to do it?
I can't believe people like this song. I can't believe somebody wrote this song and was like, "Yup, that's a winner." Going into this post if you were like, "Hey Bill could these lyrics be any stupider than Bruno Mars?" I would have been like, "That's impossible." Yet, here we are. At least Bruno's had a point, I think? I don't know. The worse part about writing these posts is that now I know all the words and can't get them out of my head. Excuse me while I go kill myself.
-Slick
Monday, January 24, 2011
This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume I
Ah, yes. A new year, a new post. And like most great ideas, I stole this one from someone else. Every week I'm going to check out the Billboard Top 100 and pick a song with shitty lyrics to make fun of. It shouldn't be too hard. Actual lyrics will be in bold. Opinions/commentary in normal font. This week in lyrical genius we have young cokehead Bruno Mars' offering "Grenade." Now initially, I thought this song was about fat chicks. Even after hearing it 10 times I thought it was about fat chicks and that's because I didn't actually listen to the lyrics. However, it clearly isn't about BBW, but I think it would have been a much better song had he gone in that direction. Nevertheless, let's see what Mr. Mars had to say:
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Slut.
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Yup. Definitely a slut.
Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss,
I don't understand. This girl appears to have 0 redeeming qualities and apparently is also a bad kisser, but he's going to go on and list a bunch of absurd crap he would be willing to do for her. I don't know how to make the whipped sound via typing. Make the sound in your head. It should sound like, "wha-chiii" if that makes any sense at all. It probably doesn't. Either way, this guy sounds like a real bitch.
Had your eyes were open, why were they open?
Wait, that's not the way you're supposed to do it? I thought you were supposed to open your eyes as wide as possible so the other person can look into your soul. God dammit.
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
Yeah you tossed it in the trash you did
Gotta be honest, this girl is starting to grow on me. Seems like a real people pleaser.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
That's not a completely unreasonable request when you look at the list of things he had considered asking for:
1. All of her love
2. A yacht
3. Cuba
4. Mount Fuji
5. Just some of her love
Personally, I would have gone with number 5. Either that or number 3.
Cause, what you don't understand is
Econometrics? That shit is hard.
That I'd catch a grenade for ya
That seems a little unnecessary. I think most girls would be happy with flowers or something that showed you cared.
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I wouldn't do that. I almost cut my fingers off at work one time. It really hurts.
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
I would do this. It says nothing about whether or not the train is moving.
You know I'd do anything for ya
As long as it involves some sort of high risk scenario.
Girl: Hey Bruno, could you go and pick up some milk?
Bruno: No.
Girl: You have battle 12 ninjas to get there.
Bruno: Well why didn't you say so? Of course I'll do it. All that I require is all of your love.
Girl: That seems unreasonable.
Oh, oh
I would go through all of this pain
Why? Because dating a girl isn't painful enough? ZIIIINNNNNGGGG
Take a bullet straight through my brain
The only surefire way of killing a zombie according to "The Walking Dead." Really good show.
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same
Oh boo hoo. This girl won't give up her life for you. "Why won't you die for me? I WOULD TOTALLY DIE FOR YOU TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I CARE!"
Verse 2: No, no, no, no
This might take a minute. He's still trying to make up his mind.
Black, black, black and blue; beat me til I'm numb.
Domestic abuse? I'm sure there's two sides to that story.
Tell the devil I said, "Hey," when you get back to where you're from
Is there anything more attractive than a demon from the underworld. If I had a nickel, right?
Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are, (yeah)
At first I thought this girl was an awful person, but I don't know, he seems a little overdramatic. I'm sure she's quite pleasant when you get to know her.
You'll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
WILDCARD BITCHES!
At this point the chorus repeats about her leaving his love in a landfill. Then there's a third verse but it's more of him whining how this girl didn't love him as much as he loved her. It might have something to do with the fact that he's super intense. The worst part about this song is now girls everywhere are going to expect men to jump in front of trains for them and do all sorts of ridiculous crap. Just you wait. When a girl wants to take you to an active mine field for a first date you'll believe me.
-Slick
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Slut.
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Yup. Definitely a slut.
Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss,
I don't understand. This girl appears to have 0 redeeming qualities and apparently is also a bad kisser, but he's going to go on and list a bunch of absurd crap he would be willing to do for her. I don't know how to make the whipped sound via typing. Make the sound in your head. It should sound like, "wha-chiii" if that makes any sense at all. It probably doesn't. Either way, this guy sounds like a real bitch.
Had your eyes were open, why were they open?
Wait, that's not the way you're supposed to do it? I thought you were supposed to open your eyes as wide as possible so the other person can look into your soul. God dammit.
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
Yeah you tossed it in the trash you did
Gotta be honest, this girl is starting to grow on me. Seems like a real people pleaser.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
That's not a completely unreasonable request when you look at the list of things he had considered asking for:
1. All of her love
2. A yacht
3. Cuba
4. Mount Fuji
5. Just some of her love
Personally, I would have gone with number 5. Either that or number 3.
Cause, what you don't understand is
Econometrics? That shit is hard.
That I'd catch a grenade for ya
That seems a little unnecessary. I think most girls would be happy with flowers or something that showed you cared.
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I wouldn't do that. I almost cut my fingers off at work one time. It really hurts.
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
I would do this. It says nothing about whether or not the train is moving.
You know I'd do anything for ya
As long as it involves some sort of high risk scenario.
Girl: Hey Bruno, could you go and pick up some milk?
Bruno: No.
Girl: You have battle 12 ninjas to get there.
Bruno: Well why didn't you say so? Of course I'll do it. All that I require is all of your love.
Girl: That seems unreasonable.
Oh, oh
I would go through all of this pain
Why? Because dating a girl isn't painful enough? ZIIIINNNNNGGGG
Take a bullet straight through my brain
The only surefire way of killing a zombie according to "The Walking Dead." Really good show.
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same
Oh boo hoo. This girl won't give up her life for you. "Why won't you die for me? I WOULD TOTALLY DIE FOR YOU TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I CARE!"
Verse 2: No, no, no, no
This might take a minute. He's still trying to make up his mind.
Black, black, black and blue; beat me til I'm numb.
Domestic abuse? I'm sure there's two sides to that story.
Tell the devil I said, "Hey," when you get back to where you're from
Is there anything more attractive than a demon from the underworld. If I had a nickel, right?
Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are, (yeah)
At first I thought this girl was an awful person, but I don't know, he seems a little overdramatic. I'm sure she's quite pleasant when you get to know her.
You'll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
WILDCARD BITCHES!
At this point the chorus repeats about her leaving his love in a landfill. Then there's a third verse but it's more of him whining how this girl didn't love him as much as he loved her. It might have something to do with the fact that he's super intense. The worst part about this song is now girls everywhere are going to expect men to jump in front of trains for them and do all sorts of ridiculous crap. Just you wait. When a girl wants to take you to an active mine field for a first date you'll believe me.
-Slick
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