Bring It Back #2

Here we are again with another installment of Bring It Back. Today I will be taking a second look at Zombieland starring some people. Just like last time, it may be a good idea to read the first opinion on it because I may refer to things in it. Or I might not. I never really know what direction these things are going to take once I start typing.

On that note, there may be spoilers here if you haven't seen the movie. Sorry dude.

As you can probably guess from the title, Zombieland is about a group of people dealing with a zombie apocalypse, except that this movie is mostly a comedy. In this case, it's four people who go by nicknames based on where they were heading. I think it's funnier if I give them nicknames of my own, so the characters are now: New Michael Cera (NMC), Woody, Jules and Little Miss Sunshine. Somehow NMC survives the initial zombie outbreak despite being a gigantic pussy, and wants to go back to his hometown to see if his parents are still alive even though they probably don't love him. Something like that anyways. They get sidetracked and all sorts of zombie-related shenanigans ensue and then there's a happy ending. Well, sort of happy. I mean, there's still like hundreds of thousands of zombies out there, if not millions. Yippee?

Like all zombie movies, this film raises a few questions. Why don't zombies eat each other? Aren't they just as delicious as regular people? And what are they going to do once they finally do eat the last human being? These zombies really need to start planning ahead and developing some skills other than yelling, snarling and lurching around. Maybe learn to farm or something. Those humans aren't a renewable resource, but tomatoes are!

Next question: why don't cars in zombie movies ever run out of gas? These people drove from like Texas to California in a Hummer. They should have been stopping every 15 minutes to fill up. If I were a zombie, I would be hiding at a gas station since delicious humans are bound to show up there eventually. Bet you wish they had developed some more fuel-efficient cars instead of zombie-causing drugs now, eh?

Third question: why are zombies such giant douchebags? They never even try to coexist with people. They just want to eat them. Maybe they could work out a deal where they get to eat people on death row or dying or something like that. That way there will always be another meal coming. But no, it's always eat now, plan later. You zombies are real assholes.

Final question: is regular Michael Cera pissed that NMC clearly ripped off his "acting" style? I put acting in quotes because I'm not convinced that Michael Cera is actually acting. I think he is just being himself, like Norm MacDonald. This new guy is just a bigger version of Michael Cera that actually weighs more than 98 lbs. I think a Hollywood throw-down is imminent.

Ok, so maybe I should talk about the movie a little. I thought NMC was an ok character, but the real star was Woody. That guy's just hilarious. He also really likes Twinkies, which I can relate to from my burger quest. I didn't really get the whole Bill Murray part, and since I am somewhat opinionated I will declare that it sucked. They should have taken that part out and put more zombie killing in. You can never get enough zombie killing. Jules and Little Miss Sunshine were alright, but they made some pretty terrible decisions. If they keep that kind of behavior up, they'll probably be dead before Zombieland 2. I wonder if it was weird for Jules to have worked with both Original Michael Cera and NMC. That would be a good question to have asked her if she was on a talk show.

Overall: it's a good film that I would probably enjoy seeing again as long as someone else was renting it. Or maybe like if someone else had Netflix or owned the DVD. I probably wouldn't want to pay for it myself though.

-Jon

Bring It Back #1

Here at Mmmm, Opinions, we're always trying to innovate and make things more exciting to read. Or we are severe sufferers of ADHD and can't keep to a single format. You can pick whichever you'd like because either way, I won't know. And no matter what you've picked, you are now about to experience a brand new addition to the site!

Bring It Back is a new feature where something that was already written about gets another look from a different contributor. Most likely it will be me doing the second opinion because I am always way behind on movies. Like a few years behind. Did you know that there's a sixth Rocky movie? Or a fourth Indiana Jones? Where have I been?

And even better news, besides the expansion of the Mmmm, Opinions repertoire? You get a double shot today. Try to calm down.

Spoiler alerts. This post contains spoilers because I am talking about a movie that came out a long time ago. I don't feel bad if either of the people who read this haven't seen the movie and have it ruined for them. You have been warned.

First up: The Book of Eli. You may want to go back and read Slick's work to familiarize yourself with what's going on. First of all, any movie that takes place in a post-apocalyptic world scores points with me. I don't know why, but I like that setting. This movie reminds me a lot of the game Fallout 3, which is also happening in a post-apocalyptic world but doesn't center on a dude with a book. It also has slightly more shooting and less stabbing.

Slick found this movie disappointing, but I found it average. I enjoyed it while it was on, but I doubt I would hype it to others. Slick did forget one of the important things that survives an apocalypse though: pimpin' shades. Everyone in this movie had sunglasses or goggles. Stock up now! They will make valuable bargaining chips when money is gone and bartering is the way to go.

Did this movie make sense? Fuck no! Eli is fucking blind!! How the fuck can he figure out which way is west? How the fuck can he shoot people with such astounding accuracy? Not even Daredevil (horrible movie by the way) has superhuman senses like that. Also, Jackie from That 70s Show is definitely going to die on her way back to her mom. Just because Eli was the world's nastiest blind knife fighter doesn't mean that she's going to inherit his skills just by picking up his knife after Eli dies. That's not how things work. First fight she gets in, I bet she cuts herself and dies from infection. Now, was the movie entertaining? Yes. The fight scenes were pretty cool, and there were things exploding. I would watch it again knowing that Eli is blind and point out every instance where I think it's bullshit. That might be a fun game.

Overall: it's worth a watch, but only at a low price. Like free, which is what I paid to watch it on the plane.

Next, we have Sherlock Holmes. The new one with Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law and that girl from Wedding Crashers and The Notebook. Again, this has been discussed before, here and also here. Go back and get your read on.

Done? Good.

I liked it. People got punched, the plot was actually pretty coherent, and British accents (or possibly fake British accents) make everything better. I've only read one Sherlock Holmes book (The Hound of the Baskervilles), but I read it twice I think. Hey, the middle school library wasn't exactly full back in the mid-90s. Unfortunately, I can't remember anything about it, so I'm not sure if Holmes was a semi-douche in the books. He certainly was in the movie, which was cool. No one wants some smug know-it-all for the main character. We want bare-knuckle boxers who like fighting giant Frenchmen and jump out windows into the Thames and swordfight on top of an under-construction Tower Bridge. Hey, I told you there were spoilers in this post.

The only thing that was annoying is that, much like National Treasure: Book of Secrets, they clearly told you that a sequel is coming. There is no reason to put bullshit like this in your movies. When you have a budget over $100 million, the six months of commercials that will inevitably precede the next installment of your film series is more than enough warning that it's coming. They also did a cheesy thing where they referenced an even bigger criminal than the current antagonist at the end of the movie. Ooooh! Lord Blackwood was just some doofus and the big bad guy is Professor Moriarty, so we can make another half a billion with a sequel. Sort of how the first Christian Bale Batman movie doesn't have the Joker until he's mentioned in passing at the end. Ok, director, we get it: you know the history of your movie's main character. Well done, jerkoff, you've really impressed me.

Overall: definitely worth watching. Maybe even worth renting. That's pretty high praise from a guy who's unemployed.

I hope you've enjoyed the debut of Bring It Back. Stay tuned for more as I continue doing non-productive things this summer, like watching movies from several years ago.

-Jon