Quick Hits

Here's a couple of random thoughts I've been kicking around in the ol' thought-holder.

• Whenever there is a sitcom episode that is dedicated to a group of guys getting super excited about a big time boxing match, the match is always over in like one punch. While I am not a huge boxing fan, does this really occur this often in real life?


• I assumed "Love You Like a Love Song" was a pretty terribad song just based on the title, but I couldn't really know just how much it sucked strictly from Kate walking around the house singing it for a day. Now that I've heard it on her Pandora station, I have to wonder just what the hell is going on in pop music. This song needs a Slick analysis desperately in order to parse through its inane ramblings.


• "This Week in Lyrical Genius" needs a new title since it's not weekly.


• Why can't any company make bagels that can be purchased at Big Y but not taste like a homeless person's feet? And where can I acquire a toaster that toasts the whole bagel instead of burning the outside and leaving the middle all soft?


• Fallout: New Vegas is a fantastic game. Hopefully I finish it before Christmas, as it was a Christmas gift in 2010, and I'm embarrassed it took me this long to play.


• The M&M segment on the NFL Network's Thursday Night Kickoff program where Marshall Faulk and Michael Irvin discuss things that are going on around the league is absolutely fantastic. Irvin's debate style is just to increase his volume, and Faulk just seems to be absolutely baffled about how he got paired up with him. Unintentional hilarity at its finest.

-Jon

Some Random Thoughts from a Sick Slick

As I sit here, fighting off some sort of illness that is sure to claim my life (the sharp knife of a short life), I struggle through the pain of coughing up a bunch of gray-green shit in order to bring you a few thoughts hot of the presses from the printing press that is Slick's brain. Does that metaphor make any sense? Probably not, but read on to find out.

-What the fuck is the deal with one way underpasses? It's 2011, what kind of bullshit is that? Dedicated mmmmopinion reader Melissa and I were going to join Kathryn and Jon at the Amherst Brewing Company for some delicious beer and food. Jon has written several posts about that experience on the other sites of the mmmm franchise, but since I can't remember how to link things I'll just tell you to go there. Or maybe Jon will link them. But back to my fascinating tale, on our way we had to stop on one side of this underpass because it wasn't wide enough to allow two cars to pass through. That makes Slick grumpy. How hard is it widen an underpass? Without any knowledge on the subject, I can safely say that it's very easy. One way underpasses: fuck that noise.

-Hockey arenas should come with a third box (outside the normal 2 penalty boxes) where people can go and fight. Hockey fights are mostly two guys holding each other's shirts spinning in circles. If they really want to throw down fisticuffs, they should have a special area, maybe even an in-arena boxing ring, where they can do that. Yeah, maybe you won't be so willing to go sit in timeout for 5 minutes if you know there's a legit chance you could get your ass kicked. Also, hockey fights get broken up the second they get interesting. Guy gets his pads pulled over his head: fight broken up. Guy gets slammed to the ice: fight gets broken up. So what's the deal? You're allowed to punch one another unless someone might actually get hurt? Fuck that, you want to fight you better be prepared to bring the noise. Otherwise GTFO.

-What's the deal with cough medicine? Why is it so goddamn sticky? I felt like I was finger-blasting my medicine cup just trying to get a normal dose. Next time I'm just going to chug from the bottle.

-Who was the first sideline reporter and have they always been this useless? "Coach, your team gave up lots of points that half, how do you give up not as many points next half?" Thanks attractive woman who apparently couldn't be given anything more useful to do. And I can't fathom why you would put a guy or an ugly chick as your sideline reporter. The only thing they actually do is look good on camera, so why do Craig Sager and Pam Oliver have jobs? I bet young Pam Oliver was hot, but now you could probably play the football game on her forehead.

That's it for now. I'm sorry this wasn't funnier. I'm sick. Leave me alone.

-Slick

Shaving . . .

sucks. Yup, it's mmmmopinion's second blog on shaving since May. But mine doesn't have fancy charts, it only has my usual poorly written paragraphs. But I'm not just going to tell you that shaving sucks, I'm going to tell you why shaving sucks, or probably more specifically, why I suck at shaving. Chances are if you've seen me in the last year, I had some sort of hobo stubble on my face. And by chances, I mean there was a 100% chance. That's right. Ol' Slick went an entire year without shaving. "But Slick," you protest, "Why didn't you have some sort of crazy ZZ Top beard?" Well, that's because every so often I would use my trusty WAHL beard trimmer. (WAHL, only the finest in home grooming!) But I caved. I gave into the peer pressure. I finally shaved. And let me tell you . . . shaving sucks.

Before I begin to tell you why shaving sucks, and I'm sure you're on pins and needles, let me tell you why I stopped shaving. The easy answer would be because I'm lazy. And that's also the correct answer. But it's also because since I've graduated from college, on 3 separate occasions someone has asked me if I have plans for school. And after I tell them I've already graduated, they all have the same reaction, "Oh well, it's just because you look so young. That's a good thing." Really? Fuck you, bitch. You made a mistake, just live with it.

So that's the background, now the actual shaving part. And here's where my stupidity really shines. Seriously, I may be the dumbest smart kid you know OR the smartest dumb kid. Now, one would think that when using sharpened metal blades on one's face, they would be sure to take the necessary time to do it right and do it safely. Nope. Not me. If I could shave my face in 3.5 seconds I would certainly give it a try. I'm like Peter Griffin with his desk fan razor. I don't know why I try to rush it. I just do. "What, it's been like 2 minutes already? WHY DOES THIS TAKE SO LONG? GAAAAAAH!!!!" And as you would imagine, I usually end up cutting myself. But don't worry, the ladies like a little blood on the neck so it works out alright. And as you also might have imagined, trying to set a world speed record lends itself to a sloppy performance. I can't tell you the number of times I've shaved right before leaving my house, only to realize that I've missed a pretty sizeable spot somewhere on my jaw line. And then I have to spend the entire time until I get back to my house worrying whether or everyone can see how much of a moron I am.

So not only do I suck at shaving because I have the attention span of a pug, but shaving sucks because it always makes my beard grow in itchier. That's just really aggravating because itchy beard means I have to shave again. And then the retarded cycle repeats itself.

2 posts in one week? It's a 2011 Slick record.

-Slick

Random June Thoughts - Part 2

This should have been expected after the last post was titled "Part 1."

• My laptop gets hot. Like, ridiculously, leave my thigh red from the heat hot. I have taken to resting it on an ice pack on a pillow sometimes. Does this seem like a problem to anyone else? It reminds me of this Penny Arcade comic. A penis panini does not sound like a good thing.


• Has anyone else seen the commercial for the 3DS version of Ocarina of Time with Robin Williams? He is rocking one of the most epic beards I have ever seen on a movie star! He also has a daughter named Zelda, which the commercial says he named after the character from the series. If that's true, that is awesome.


• I don't understand the business model of the ice cream truck. How is it possible to sell enough ice cream to pay for the gas to drive around my neighborhood all day playing that obnoxious song? I almost never see anyone buying any ice cream either. This leads me to the obvious conclusion that the ice cream truck is a front for illegal drug running. Nothing else makes sense.


• The Facebook app on my phone was being disagreeable the other day by telling me I had 2 unread notifications even though I couldn't find them anywhere in my message list. Being the completely rational person I am, instead of calmly searching for a solution to the annoyance of having a message indicator at the top of my phone for 4 hours, I deleted every single Facebook message and, when that still didn't work, deleted the whole app. Yeah, that's how I get down. Ok, yes, I reinstalled it a little later. But I think I put a healthy fear into it about how I'm not going to take this kind of nonsense in the future. Jon 1, phone 0.


• If you ever have a common household item that you want to get rid of but don't want to pay a fee at the dump (which I think are called "transfer stations" now... what's up with that?), just leave it in front of my mom's house. We put a crappy old grill out there, and it was gone in an hour. And last week we put Kathryn's dirty old couch out there, and it was gone in 45 minutes. Apparently people really like free stuff.

Stupid Face Story of the Week

Why can't people on Facebook successfully quote music? You clearly have internet access, so just look up the damn words!! And stop quoting rap songs about having tons of money if you don't. I seriously doubt that you're "up in the club" or "making it rain" on a Wednesday night.

-Jon

Random June Thoughts - Part 1

I was going to post this a couple days ago, but the Slick had to show up and actually write something, so I thought I might feel bad if I immediately pushed his post down. And if there's one thing I try to avoid, it's feeling bad. Well, that and scurvy.

Just for the sake of doing it, all thoughts will be posed in the form of a question.

• Do you think that the people who make cherry candy have ever actually eaten a cherry? There's pretty much no overlap in flavors there at all. But no one has a problem with that. Have you ever met someone who picked up an actual cherry to eat, but then spit it out because it doesn't taste like the candy? Side note - don't spit cherry pits at people, because they will stain their shirts and they will get mad at you.


• Did you ever notice that both Randy Johnson's real name and his nickname "The Big Unit" have wang references in them? Well you did now! Every time you see him on a Geico commercial, you're going to think of wangs now.


• Why is opening a checking account such a major ordeal? It should be like a 10 minute project. I give the bank some dollars, they give me a bank account number and mail me some checks. Instead it takes about the same amount of time it takes to get seen at the ER at Baystate. Haha, hospital burn!


• Are calf socks suddenly cool? I'm not talking about the socks that some basketball players wear that come up almost to their knees. I mean socks that go about 6 inches up people's calves. I see people wearing them all the time, and I laugh (usually to myself) every time. Seriously, they look terrible.


• Why do people break their cell phones so much, and, more importantly, why do they have to broadcast this fact on Facebook? I think that if you break your cell phone in a non-awesome way, you should be put on a technology hiatus for 2 weeks. So if your phone is toast because you jumped off a bridge to save a drowning person, that's cool. But if it's broken because you dropped in it your beer? Sorry, no more fancy toys for you. Maybe then you'll be more responsible. Know how many times I've broken a cell phone in the last 8 years? Zero. And I'm probably the most likely person to break one based on my track record of being unable to keep myself out of harm's way. Basically what I'm saying here is that people are stupid.

Stupid Facebook Story of the Week

People are constantly leaving their computer logged in to Facebook or not paying attention to their cell phones, and their friends, appropriately, put up hilarious statuses that usually revolve around buttsex. Um, instead of commenting on the status that it wasn't you that wrote it, why not just delete it? Fools...

-Jon

Big Slick Rises from the Ashes

Your favorite blogger, Big Slick, has been on hiatus recently as the terms of my contract were being negotiated. Then I realized I never made any demands so for the past 2 weeks Big Slick's been at training camp getting back into championship shape. And just like every one of my comebacks this will probably last about 2-5 posts before I get bored again and stop writing. Will they be good posts? Probably not. Will they feature lots of swearing and unnecessary capitals? All signs point to yes. Will any of my posts feature a semblance of coherent thought? ASK AGAIN LATER! Tomorrow I'm going to write a new lyric post so you have that to look forward to, if you have nothing better going on. And since you're reading this blog, obviously that's the case. But for now, here's some random thoughts/things that make me mad. And you know how hard it is to make me mad.

Bobby Valentine sucks at analyzing baseball games. I would rather listen to that asshole Joe Morgan because at least he was intentionally being an asshole. Joe Morgan once said that he didn't think Felix Hernandez would have more wins if he played for a different team. This was a pitcher who had an era of like 2.50 but had 16 losses because the Mariners fucking suck. (Note: stats may be completely made up, but I don't have time to check that shit. I'm a busy, busy man.) Then he said that wins and losses were the best way to measure how good a pitcher was because that's how you measure how good a team was. See? He was just blatantly saying shit that didn't make any sense just because he wanted to be an asshole. Bobby Valentine just sucks. I wish he would stop talking so much. Also, I've never seen a man make himself laugh so much. Nothing you said was that funny, stop fucking laughing. "Oh boy, Joe Girardi took Sabathia out before he faced Kinsler, when Kinsler was probably going to be the last batter he faced either way. Then Joba Chamberlain let Kinsler get on anyway, HARHARHARHARHAR. HOW FUNNY WAS THAT!"

People who write facebook statuses like "Out with the boy" make me want to murder them. I have a couple friends who write things like, "At Fenway Park with the boy" or "Great day with the girl" and if you're friends with them too you know who I'm talking about. Jesus fucking Christ. What are you? Twelve fucking years old? Son of a bitch that makes me irrationally angry. Instead of writing that stupid bullshit nonsense, why don't you just write, "Out with Jeremiah" or "Fantastic dinner with Bobbie Sue" and not look like you're a fucking prepubescent little shithead. And no, those names don't mean anything. They're just stupid fucking names like the stupid fucking people who write those stupid fucking statuses. Fuck.

I don't capitalize the fucking when I write Jesus fucking Christ because it's not technically his middle name. Although I'm not sure his last name would have been Christ either. I don't know, maybe it was. I'm not well versed in theology. In any case, if I was Joseph and Mary showed up and was like, "I know we've never had sex but guess what, I'm pregnant," I would have been like, "So long bitch." And yeah, I just called Saint Mary a bitch. She deserved it.

The Masspike needs to be wider. Yeah, it's adorable that you want to drive 67, but the rest of us have places to be, so get the fuck out of the way. That's really all I have to say about that.

The Celtics just won game 1. That's pretty cool.

The way the NBA is officiated right now, I don't know why LeBron James doesn't just take the ball, just slam his way towards the hoop and take free throws every single possession. Jump shots are for pussies. And besides, if you go anywhere near LeBron when he has the ball on offense it has to be a foul. That's in the rule book.

Another gem from Bobby Valentine, "How did they decide to make it 90 feet from home plate to first. If it was 89 1/2 feet we would see so many more runners beating out that throw to first." If they made it 89 1/2 feet people would be like, "That's fucking stupid." Although this is the same sport that decided 60 1/2 feet was a good distance for the pitcher's mound so there's really no logic to anything.

Why doesn't every baseball stadium have to have the same dimensions? That's the stupidest fucking thing ever. That would be like if the Green Bay Packers decided that their field would be 250 yards long and nobody having a problem with it. Or if the Celtics decided that they would shorten their court to 70 feet so that all their old players didn't have to run as much. But getting back to the baseball thing, why does the infield have to be the same at every stadium. That's where you're going to draw the line? I think you should be able to move it around. Playing a really fast team, move first base to 115 feet. Now try beating out all those infield singles Ichiro. And why not make a real home field advantage? When your team is batting, move the outfield walls in about 20 yards. Players will start hitting 120 home runs a season. You don't think the Pirates would get more fans if they hit 15 home runs a game? And yeah, I know I just turned baseball into Rock Jock, but I want to know when baseball decided it was cool to have everybody design their own outfield. And don't give me some bullshit about it adds to the special feeling of going to a ball game. "Oooooohhhh. Look at the ivy on the walls at Wrigley Field. No where else in the world does ivy grow up bricks. HOW ELSE COULD THEY DO IT IF THIS WASN'T MAGICAL GROUND" Nobody enjoys smelling their own asshole as much as baseball. Fenway Park is not a magical location, it's a dirty old tiny piece of shit that's very uncomfortable to watch a 3 hour game in. And that's coming from someone who likes Fenway Park.

My jam of the week this week is "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park. Good song, important song.

Whenever I see people with ear gauges I think, "Wow, they are going to be really unhappy they did that when they're 35." But then I think, if they're stupid enough to get ear gauges maybe they won't live that long. And we're probably all better off that way. If I wasn't going to hell for that Saint Mary comment, I pretty much booked a first class ticket with this one.

Originally instead of first class ticket, I put one way ticket. But no matter how you fly to hell, you're pretty much staying forever. I'm not sure you're allowed to leave. But again, I'm not a strong theologian. In any case, I'd rather fly there first class. More leg room.

That's probably enough hatred for now. Good to be back again.

-Slick

Random Depressing Things

Apparently part of getting older is finding out that everything that was/is awesome is going to somehow let you down. For instance:

• Mick Jagger is 67 years old.
• Topanga is clearly on steroids.
• Teen Mom is a popular TV show.
• Jersey Shore is a popular TV show.
• V stayed on the air and Flashforward got canceled.
• I will never invent a time machine. Or I will invent one, but I'll turn into a huge douchebag and not use it to go back in time and give it to me now. Come on, future Jon, I need some sweet time traveling so that I can make the financial moves necessary to allow you the capital to produce the time machine later!

That is actually only a very small part of a brainful of sadness, but Slick has to verbally dissect some pop garbage tomorrow and he didn't want to have back to back lyrical posts. Or maybe he did. I only caught a short part of the conversation.

-Jon

Happy New Year!

[Author's note: I totally had the random thought post first but then Pat the Intern beat me to it because I decided to write mine over the course of 3 days.

That's right, let me be the very last person to wish you a happy new year. And it's my first post of the new year, how exciting. Hopefully it will be as enjoyable as my very first post, a little tale about my encounter with a delicious brew you may have heard of, a Sam Adams Cranberry Lambic. Oh boy is that stuff great. Great beer or THE GREATEST BEER????? Go back and take a look and see how not far I've come since then. Did you look? Holy shit that post was terrible. Now, every post I write is terrible, but that was just awful. Awful post or THE AWFULEST POST? Anyway, for my first offering of this shitty new year (It's not my fault I don't have a job, CLEARLY THE YEAR 2011 IS CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!) I grace you with some thoughts I've had since the calendar turned over.

-I used way too many capital letters in that last paragraph.

-Waiting for water to boil is much easier than waiting for my english muffin to toast. Why don't we have a toaster that can cook my english muffing to a perfect light-medium in 6 seconds? Why must I wait an agonizing 2 and a half minutes? "Is it done yet? No? WHAT THE FUCK IT'S BEEN 30 SECONDS!" Now, if I weren't a moron I would put it in the toaster and then go do something, but I have to hover over it to make sure I'm right on the spot when it finally beeps. And for what? So I can go devour it in three bites and wish I had cooked a second one.

-Why are english muffins so goddamn small? I could easily eat the entire package in two meals. Maybe that says more about me than the english muffins, but why can't I just have more english muffin? It's bullshit. Next time I see them on sale I'm going to buy 12 packages and then bitch when they're gone in an hour.

-I don't understand why America loves the Kardashians. Kim's only famous because she released a sex tape before it was cool to release a sex tape. And to be honest it was even that entertaini . . . I mean I've never watched it but I heard from a friend that it's not that good. The big tall bitch is married to that other big tall bitch, Lamar Odom. The other one is sort of hot, I think? I don't know, anyone looks good with a shit load of makeup and airbrushing. So yeah, Kim's got a badonkadonkdonk but at some point of looking at pictures of her for 2 hours you realize that her body is really weird shaped. I mean, ummm, someone might come to that conclusion. Definitely not me.

-I hate snow. Snow fucking sucks. All it does is get in the way. Whoever decided that living in a place where the snow falls by the foot should be shot. "Oh hey, the winter's are like 7 degrees and there's 3 feet of snow on the ground. I'M FUCKING HOME BABY!"

-I'm at least 5 years older than anyone in high school. That's a disturbing/arousing thought.

-I was totally just kidding about that last one. OR WAS I?

-Why is it that baseball writers are in charge of voting for the hall of fame? Yeah, let's give that power to somebody who's never actually played baseball at the professional level. I suppose giving it solely to the people who are currently in the hall of fame would make too much sense.

-I am a fucking moron when it comes to eating, even excluding my english muffin difficulties. I will race through my first serving in order to load up a second one, even though it's the exact same fucking thing. "But wait, what if the second serving is better? How will I ever know unless I devour this first, clearly inferior, serving as fast as possible?" I have to actively remind myself while I'm eating to slow down otherwise I finish a meal faster than those NASCAR hillbillies can change a tire.

-I would drink 12 cans of A&W Root Beer a day if it wouldn't give me diabetes and big fat bitch tits. But only A&W because it's made with real aged vanilla. This is the second entry in my recurring series, MMMMRootbeeer.

-Vanilla is the second most expensive spice in the world. I think that's fascinating.

-Why are people angry at Charlie Sheen for having a foursome with porn stars in a Vegas hotel room instead of showing up on the set of Two and a Half Men? Is it that surprising that when you've given a guy with a history of drug, alcohol and sex addictions more than $1 million an episode to essentially play himself, he's going to make some "irresponsible" decisions? They don't even give Charlie Sheen a script anymore, they just tell him to walk on set, look really squinty and talk about banging hookers. Oh, and I put irresponsible in quotes because I imagine some fucktard out there has written some crap about Charlie Sheen not being a better role model. We're only guaranteed one life; if Charlie Sheen wants to spend his plowing through every chick with a pulse, I say the more power to him and who gives a shit about what anyone else thinks.

Do what makes you happy. Who knows how long we have here, you might as well enjoy it.

Including me. Starting now.

-Slick

Blogging at the Airport

Pat the Intern loves to travel. Unfortunately, when he travels he has to deal with airlines, the most unreliable industry ever. Example: I missed my connection flight today because the airline ran out of the fluid that de-ices the plane. So I get to sit in the Newark Airport for the next 7 hours like I'm Tom Hanks in that movie (Not Philadelphia or Joe Vs. the Volcano). So, I'd like to share the following:

There were some really depressing movies made by Disney in the 1990s. The Sandlot is really depressing. Not only does everyone move away, but the shortstop apparently got really into drugs and "no one ever sees him again." How about Angels in the Outfield? What a bunch of assholes at Disney, killing off Tony Danza because he smoked too many cigarettes. Disney could have made their point another way. Kill off that kid's asshole dad who won't be his father anymore even though he said he would if the Angels won the pennant.

I think I just saw Woody Harrelson walk by...

I know for a fact that I would have done better than any kid that was ever on GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, or Double Dare. I never got more angry than when the girl on the team would screw it up, costing the team a pair of BK Ratchtechs and a trip to Space Camp. Do you think the temple guards molested the kids when they captured them in the temple?

Nickelodeon shows today suck. Who looks more badass: this guy or this guy? The kids in these new shows are such bitches. They would never make it at Anawama or in the Ministry of Darkness.

Old video games are better than new ones. Old video games took effort, and you didn't have the luxury of saving your game or getting infinite continues. When you beat a game that you have started over and over and over again, you feel like you've accomplished something. Games nowadays don't even have an ending. They're just never-ending online mini-games that may be fun, but aren't as good as the old days.

There is a D-League basketball team that is sitting in the area I'm sitting in... The Bayhawks?

Based on their outfits, I am not able to tell a pilot from a sea captain.

There is a Rosetta Stone booth in the middle of the waiting area. Do people going to foreign countries buy them and think they will learn the native language on the flight over?

My Fast Food Bucket List is as follows:

• In-N-Out Burger
• Little Caesar's
• P.F. Chang's

My Top Fast Food Places:

1. Chick-Fil-A
2. Dairy Queen
3. Sonic
4. Wendy's
5. Jack in the Box (great milkshakes, which is really the only think I've ever had from there, but it was really good.

White Castle is overrated.

-Pat the Intern

Christmas Stuff That's Weird to Me

Well, I am back from vacation and ready to get back to work for Mmmm, opinions. I was listening to some Christmas carols the other night, and I came up with some questions/comments. So, let's dive right in.

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is the most horrific song I've ever heard. The song is about an old lady who gets brutally killed by a wild animal. However, the grandson and the grandfather don't seem to be sad about it one bit. In fact, the grandfather goes and plays cards instead of being sad that his wife of many years just died. At the very least this song makes light of a very serious situation. At the most it's a cover-up. The way Grandpa acts during the song makes me wonder if he had something to do with the murder.

Why do we associate snow with Christmas? I've always wondered why. For the most part, only a small percentage of the world is able to have snow on Christmas. Secondly, why would we associate snow with an event involving a child born to a virgin in the Middle East? If we really want to recreate Christmas, we should be wishing for unbearably hot weather.

What is a child going to do with frankincense, myrrh, gold and music? All of these gifts do nothing for a child. Frankly, I don't even know what frankincense and myrrh are. So much for being wise men. They get gifts totally useless to a baby. Maybe diapers or milk, hell, even a teddy bear would've been much better. As for the drummer boy, where the hell did he come from? Seriously, where are this dude's parents, and why does he walk around with a drum all the time?

Black Friday: I hate this term almost as much as Jon [Editor's note - he means Slick] hates when people add "-gate" to the end of words whenever there is a scandal. Black Tuesday was the most devastating stock market crash in US history. So I find it ironic that a day where corporations make tons of money should be called "Black" anything. And it just sounds dumb too. Black Friday is also a racist term. White people in the 1950s began calling it Black Friday because the deals were such a "steal" and black people were considered thieves.

Alright, well that concludes Criticizing Christmasgate.

BONUS HOLIDAY GAME!!!

Find the story that I completely made up!

-Pat the Intern

Random Thoughts

Now that we have waited the requisite 3 days to mourn Slick's abandonment of his duty, it's time to get back to business. And no, Pat, you can't have Slick's parking spot. I am going to take it, along with mine, by parking diagonally like those ass-hats in pretty much every parking lot that has ever existed.

During this past high school volleyball season, I had a lot of matches in distant locations (i.e. Franklin Country), which led to a lot of driving and subsequently a lot of time to formulate random thoughts about fairly silly topics. Hey, there's not a whole lot of action on 91 once you get past Northampton, so my brain is free to ponder the unimportant things in life. I will try to avoid hot-button issues like orange popsicles this time.

I don't understand why vampires are so intelligent and classy while zombies are basically brain dead hillbillies. They're both undead. And since zombies are clearly the next big thing now that Twilight has pretty much ruined vampires for the next 5 years, I think someone needs to come up with a zombie movie that doesn't have zombies wandering around pointlessly and attempting to eat everything non-zombified. Maybe a movie where the zombies are actually the good guys! A guy can dream, right?

Why can't I run diagonally with the Pegasus Boots? I can walk horizontally, vertically and diagonally, but I can only run horizontally and vertically? That doesn't make any sense. Quit jerking me around, Link.

I won a fleece vest the other day. I don't really have any idea when I'm going to wear it though. I guess if I ever want my core to be warm, but I'm angry at my arms and want them to suffer, I have the proper attire.

Stop signs and yield signs are different. Aren't they? I realize that they're both red and white, but they have different words and different shapes, so I have always assumed they signify different things. And even if they don't, you still shouldn't drive through either one when it might lead to you hitting me while I have the right of way. That's right, guy-in-the-gray-SUV-talking-on-your-cell-phone-and-generally-being-a-jerk, I saw you try to blow that stop sign. Nice try.

In the same vein, crosswalks are different from regular pavement. A good rule of thumb is that crosswalks are generally yellow with white borders or a series of parallel white line segments. If you look down, and don't see this, you are not in a crosswalk. Which means that if you are wearing all dark clothes and it's nighttime, you might want to find a crosswalk and not just arbitrarily start crossing the road without looking behind you. Otherwise, you might get hit by a car, like that person I saw almost get hit the other day. Also, the sidewalk, as its name suggests, is a better place to walk than the road. There are far fewer cars driving on the sidewalk, which will also increase your odds of survival. Just here to help.

I don't own many hardcover books. Probably because they cost more than paperbacks, and I'm a cheap bastard. But they are better for hiding money in, so maybe I'll have to acquire more. And please don't come to my house and go through all my hardcovers. There's no money hidden in them yet.

If you pass me on the highway, and then pull in front of me, and then go slower than I'm going, I should be allowed to shoot you. In the leg. With a harpoon. I assume that if you pass me, you want to go faster than I am going (which is usually 65 with the cruise control set). Thus, it doesn't make sense for you to move in front of me and drive 60. If 65 is not fast enough, then 60 can't be fast enough either, as 60 < 65. So cut the crap.

I don't think that there's any form of communication lower than anonymous commenting on a website. If you want to read the most idiotic, racist, intolerant, and otherwise offensive stuff in the world, just read comments. Not here, of course, as we don't have a large enough reader base to generate that kind of jackassery. But at any major website, it's just awful.

Well, that's it for now. The high school season ended today, but Kate still lives way up near Vermont, so there will still be plenty of opportunities for me to think of ways to try to fix the world. Or at least make fun of it.

-Jon