A "Live" Blog of the Grammys

Kate worked last night and had me DVR the Grammys for her, so we're watching them right now. Ever since Two Against Nature won Album of the Year when it was, at best, the 4th best nominee, I don't care about the stupid Grammys, so instead, I'll be making fun of them.

• Has anyone made some Kevin Costner/The Bodyguard jokes about Whitney Houston's death yet? If not, how come?
• Bruce Springsteen should have sung a different song. Like a good one.
• Whenever it was that Lady Gaga hosted that show and pretended she was a guy... remember that? Um, her "character" really looked a lot like Bruno Mars. I am not sure who that is more insulting to.
• Speaking of Bruno Mars, apparently he and Alicia Keys had the same person do their hair for this show. Again, I am not sure who that is more insulting to.
• Alright Lady Gaga, we get it. You're super creative and don't fit into anyone's expectations. But maybe you should respect the Grammys (since you're nominated for one) and not look like a complete fuckup. You know, just this once. I promise that if I ever somehow get a major award nomination, I'll suit up.
• It looks like Chris Brown is going to make it through this whole performance without having a temper tantrum. Good for him!
• Kelly Clarkson is a country artist now? Sure, why not.
• I appreciate male country artists making it obvious that they are country artists by always wearing a cowboy hat. So they're either country artists, or maybe actual cowboys.
• This show has a lot of commercials. They probably could have trimmed the whole broadcast down to 2 hours without all this garbage. This is commercial ridiculousness on par with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies when they're shown on TV.
• Rihanna's music makes my ears feel like they've been raped. At least I think this is Rihanna. It may just be someone having a seizure. She also does not appear to be singing at all, and not one seems to care. If she doesn't have the microphone near her mouth and words are still happening, that's usually a pretty dead giveaway.
• Oh, some Giants players... Moving on.
• Has anyone ever been more involved in the world of music without actually contributing anything to it than Ryan Seacrest?
• While I was busy being snarky about Ryan Seacrest, I missed the explanation of why these people are singing Beach Boys songs. And now the real Beach Boys are singing? Did you know that one time I saw The Beach Boys in concert (but not with Brian Wilson because he hadn't rejoined the other guys yet)? You do now.
• I wonder how hard it is to learn the harmonica. Not enough people use the harmonica in their music.
• Kate does not approve of the amount of standing ovations given at award shows.
• I don't know who these people are, but this music sounds like country music and the guy isn't wearing a cowboy hat. I guess I was wrong about my earlier assumption. Goddam country artists, trying to confuse me.
• Taylor Swift's backing band appears to have to time-traveled from either Little House on the Prairie or The Grapes of Wrath. Those probably aren't even close to the same era, but all the clothing from way back in the past looks pretty much the same to me because I just don't care.
• This show obviously needs more NPH and less LL Cool J.
• There are a lot of British people on this program.
• I don't think that is Katy Perry's natural hair color. Just a guess.
• I am apparently not paying close enough attention. They just said Adele has won 4 awards tonight, but I have only seen her onstage twice. What kind of ridiculous shenanigans are these?!? They must be giving out awards during the commercials. Probably unimportant ones, like "Best Performance by a British Person Who Is Currently Chewing a Huge Wad of Gum." Adele won that one for sure.
• Someone needs to make a sweet mashup of "Rhinestone Cowboy" and "Like a Virgin." There's something there, I'm sure of it.
• I wonder if Glen Campbell has any idea who these goons onstage with him are. He's like infinity years older than they are.
• Bon Iver should have prepared a speech ahead of time so he could say "Uh" a bit less frequently. If this had been a drinking game, his speech would have resulted in somewhere around 12 shots. It was apparently so awkward that they cut him off and went to commercial.
• Nicki Minaj is trying to outweird Lady Gaga. This is going to have dire ramifications for all of us. This is what the Mayans were warning us about. Also, this song is terrible. This is what music is now?
• Is there a place backstage for the artists to store their awards when they go back to their seats, or do they keep them under the chairs?
• It looks like this thing is finally over. I bet Lady Gaga is sad that she wore that ridiculous outfit and didn't get to show everyone while onstage. Poor Gaga.

-Jon

Oh You Silly Rappers...

You guys say the most ridiculous things.

There are lots of good rappers. Well, probably less now than there were back when I used to listen to more rap, but at least some of them probably don't suck. Mostly because I bet some of the guys I listened to before still rap. But sometimes, whether it's because they need to squeeze words into a particular rhyme scheme or just because they've got nothing else that works, they say things that are just ridiculous. And yeah, most of these are going to be old since all old music is better than all new music. It's just a rule of nature.

"I woke up out that coma 2001 / Bout the same time Dre dropped 2001" - The Game

First off, using the same word or phrase isn't really rhyming. But more importantly, the unfortunately titled album 2001 was actually released in November of 1999, whereas The Game (who apparently only goes by Game now) was in a coma in October of 2001. I would think that someone who claims to have so much respect for West Coast rap would be more aware of that fact.

"I'm sick, you couldn't measure my dick with six rulers." - Big Punisher

I'm not sure if Big Pun (may he rest in peace) if suggesting that he possesses a 6-foot wang, but that's just ridiculous. The logistics alone would be unmanageable. He'd need a completely custom wardrobe, although he might need that anyways being of the... overweight persuasion, not to mention that anytime he got "excited" he'd be risking an assault charge.

Hey, I'm all for ridiculous bravado and outrageous exaggerations, but this seems really uncomfortable.

"Fifty fear no man, warrior, swing swords like Conan." - 50 Cent

"So the pen is mightier than the sword, my Lord" - Jay-Z

At first glance, neither of these lyrics seems absurd. However, you might notice that have one word in common. And the ridiculousness of both of them stem from that common word, "sword," which both rappers pronounce with heavy emphasis on the "W." Maybe in 50's case, he's trying to preserve the alliterative effect of the phrase "swing swords," but I can't figure out the reasoning behind Jay-Z's awful pronunciation. Maybe I just don't understand rap music's deeper meanings, like intentionally mispronouncing common words.

"In this white man's world, I'm simular to a squirrel" - 50 Cent

Nope, that's not a typo. He really says "simular."

Another 50 Cent quote, and from the same song as the previous one. He's not the only rapper to make this ear-grating vowel transposition, but he's the one that stuck out most prominently in my mind. There's no "U" in similar, and there never was. It's like the person is trying to mix "similar" and "simulate" into one word.

Changing a vowel can have drastic consequences as well. The phrase, "Wow, I took like 8 shots in a row at the bar last night!" has a whole new meaning if you switch the "O" in shots to an "I"...

"What's next? What's next? What's N-X-E-T?" - Warren G

Seriously? I mean... what is this supposed... how can you just... I mean it's not even... sigh.

Did nobody listen to these tracks before the CD came out? Or, potentially worse, did people listen to them and not notice this glaring error? I guess lyrics don't come with spellcheck.

This is just a tip of the iceberg, as I didn't even feature anything from Wu-Tang, who spit some of the most absurd claims ever to be captured on record. Or from Lil Wayne, who I avoided just on principle, but I'm sure could provide enough fodder for his own featured appearance. Which he won't get. Because I hate his music.

-Jon

Quick Hits

Here's a couple of random thoughts I've been kicking around in the ol' thought-holder.

• Whenever there is a sitcom episode that is dedicated to a group of guys getting super excited about a big time boxing match, the match is always over in like one punch. While I am not a huge boxing fan, does this really occur this often in real life?


• I assumed "Love You Like a Love Song" was a pretty terribad song just based on the title, but I couldn't really know just how much it sucked strictly from Kate walking around the house singing it for a day. Now that I've heard it on her Pandora station, I have to wonder just what the hell is going on in pop music. This song needs a Slick analysis desperately in order to parse through its inane ramblings.


• "This Week in Lyrical Genius" needs a new title since it's not weekly.


• Why can't any company make bagels that can be purchased at Big Y but not taste like a homeless person's feet? And where can I acquire a toaster that toasts the whole bagel instead of burning the outside and leaving the middle all soft?


• Fallout: New Vegas is a fantastic game. Hopefully I finish it before Christmas, as it was a Christmas gift in 2010, and I'm embarrassed it took me this long to play.


• The M&M segment on the NFL Network's Thursday Night Kickoff program where Marshall Faulk and Michael Irvin discuss things that are going on around the league is absolutely fantastic. Irvin's debate style is just to increase his volume, and Faulk just seems to be absolutely baffled about how he got paired up with him. Unintentional hilarity at its finest.

-Jon

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume VII: Pitbull

Well, it was only a matter of time before we ended up here. "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull, the man with the name of a dog known for its tendency toward violence, and the face of a chihuahua. That is a Slick original joke right there. Don't let loyal mmmmopinion reader Chris let you think it was his. Totally wasn't. According to his wikipedia page, Pitbull says that he chose the name because pitbulls "bite to lock and are too stupid to give up." Well I agree with that, Pitbull is pretty stupid. The man, not the dog. But since I mentioned the animal let me take a brief minute to say that I don't think there's any reason pitbulls can't be good pets . . . but you know what, that will be an mmmmopinion later this week. Boom, teaser.

Anyway, like always I watched the music video about 7-8 times so that I can really hear the song and begin crafting my insults, and I noticed that Pitbull kept doing this weird thing with his mouth. So I went to over google and began typing "Why does Pitbull keep making weird faces?" but as I was doing it, google gave me that popdown list that included the question "Why does Pitbull always say dale (pronounced dah-lay)?" Dale is Spanish for "come on" or some shit like that. But someone answered that question with the following:

He's not saying dale, he's saying dade. He's from Miami which is in Dade County. That's why he always says it.

The point is, as always, people are stupid.

Anyway, let's get to the actual lyrics. But before we get there, it's important to note that the chorus of this song is essentially this: Grab somebody sexy, tell them hey, the world might end tomorrow. It probably won't, BUT IT COULD. So we should have sex tonight. Logic, FLAWLESS. Just keep that in mind.

Me not working hard?
Yeah right picture that with a kodak.

Alright, well we're not off to a great start since that in no way reflects how a Kodak works.

And better yet, go to Times Square
Take a picture of me with a kodak

The way he rhymed kodak with kodak, genius. Oh, and this might come as a surprise, but Pitbull is endorsed by Kodak. Shocking.

Took my life from negative to positive
And I just want y'all know that

Get it? Kodak . . . negative. Haha that's clever. Also, he used to be a drug dealer and now he's famous for being a shitty rapper. So that's something, I guess.

And tonight, let's enjoy life

Because we might not get tomorrow, yeah yeah, Ne-Yo told me that.

Take advantage of tonight
Cause tomorrow I'm off to do battle and perform for princes

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a goddamn second. Tomorrow you're off to . . . do battle? That not making any sense aside, if you're planning on doing stuff tomorrow, then why the fuck did I have sex with Ne-Yo? He told me we might not get tomorrow, WAS THAT ALL A LIE? That son of a BITCH.

But tonight, I can make you my queen
And make love to you endless

-ly. Endlessly. It's an adverb. #douchebagnitpicking

It's insane, the way the name growin’, money keep flowin’
Hustlers move in silence, so I’m tiptoein, keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Now, being a white kid from Ludlow I know very little about hustlin'. But Jay-Z claims to be a hustler and LOVES talking about how much he hustles and how fast he hustles. He's like the white kid on a basketball team, just a great hustler. I honestly don't know what any of the rest of it means but I do love a superfluous Lindsay Lohan reference.

Excuse me (excuse me) but I might drink a little more than I should, tonight

I might drink more than I should. Call it 63% likely.

And I might take you home with me if I could, tonight,

"Excuse me miss, can I take you home and dry hump your leg to climax, possibly?" Christ, he might drink too much. He might take you home. Something tells me that Pitbull struggles with being decisive. Maybe?

And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight
Because we might not get tomorrow

Oh, you fuckers need to make a decision about whether or not we're going to have a tomorrow.

Reach for the stars
And if you don’t grab em, at least you’re on top of the world

I'm not sure if you've heard but there's a party on the rooftop, top of the world. And, if there's time, we're going to dance on the edge of the Hollywood sign.

Think about it
Cause if you slip I’m gonna fall on top of you girl, hahaha

You probably fell because you drank too much. And seriously, he actually laughs in the song

What I'm involved in, it goes deeper than the Masons
Baby, baby and it ain’t no secret

After The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, Dan Brown just got really, really lazy. Don't expect Pitbull and the Masons to be a bestseller. Tom Hanks said he doesn't want to be in the movie, but Nicolas Cage said he would do it for $25 and half a sandwich.

My family’s from Cuba but I’m an American Idol
Makin' money like Seacrest

According to celebritynetworth.com, Ryan Seacrest is worth $125 million. Pitbull is worth $9 million. Although I do agree that you and Seacrest both make far too much money.

-Slick

This Week In Lyrical Genius: Joan Osborne

Now you're probably thinking, why the hell did I come to mmmmopinions? Nobody even writes anything anymore. Now you're thinking, wait "lyrical genius" does that mean Slick is back? Now you're thinking, who the hell is Joan Osborne? And the answers to those questions are I'm sorry, yes, and that chick who the wrote the song about God being one of us. I had to go to North Adams today on business, and I heard this song on my way there. But oh my god, that trip takes so long. It takes about 45-50 minutes to get to Greenfield (aka the land of pugs) from my house, AND YOU'RE ONLY HALF WAY THERE!!!! I spent three hours in the car today and was annoyed. We are very fortunate that I wasn't in charge of colonizing America. "Six months in a boat? Are you kidding me? Fuck that, I'd rather just be one of the oppressed masses." That's assuming that I could have survived renaissance times and the colonial era without killing myself from having to eat nothing but slops and pig rectum. Delicious, delicious pig rectums. But anyway, I heard "One of Us" and decided that I should write a post about how crappy the lyrics are. So away we go:

If God had a name, what would it be?

Now as you know, I don't claim to be any sort of religious expert, but I'm fairly certain that God did have a name. I think it was Yahweh. If I remember Indiana Jones correctly, I'm pretty sure that was his name, except in Latin it's spelled with an "I." Nevertheless, a quick google search tells me that God told Moses his name was "I AM WHO I AM" which sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. It also sounds like something Descartes would say and that guy was such a douche.

And would you call it to his face?

Yeah, that's what names are for.

If you were faced with him and all his glory,
What would you ask if you had just one question?

Could you remake the last season of Lost so that it doesn't suck?

And yeah, yeah, God is great.

Noted.

Yeah, yeah, God is good.

But you just said . . . ? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Maybe?

What if God was one of us?

I'm pretty sure he was, and follow me on this argument. There's only one God, but he's got multiple identity disorder and thinks of himself as a trinity so he calls himself God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost, which sounds way more badass and terrifying). But Jesus, was somehow all human and all divine. I got into an argument with one of my professors on how that doesn't make any sense. She did not like that I was questioning her beliefs. I did not do well in that class. But anyway, if Jesus was divine and human, and Jesus is God or is part of God or is God's son but is also God, that makes God a human. Therefore, he is one of us. Suck on that bitch.

Just a slob like one of us?

I don't know. That's just so stupid I can't even think of anything funny to say.

Just a stranger on the bus
trying to make his way home

Do you realize how sad God's life is? Not only will nobody call him his name to his face, he's also a slob who's forced to take public transportation. No wonder Jesus just let himself get killed: crucifixion sounds a whole lot better than having to ride the bus with a bunch of slobby asshats.

If God had a face, what would it look like?
And would you want to see?

Fuck, one question at a time please. I imagine he would look something like Jesus but with less facial hair and sick abs. And yes, absolutely. Why? What do you know? Does he have some kind of deformity? Is that why he's so shy? Now I'm not so sure.

If seeing meant that you would have to believe . . .

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would make that trade. "I get to look upon the face of God, but only if I believe in him afterwards? That's a pretty tough bargain. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, LADY!"

in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and alllllllllllllll the prophets

Oh, well then fuck that. I can accept Jesus and heaven and all the normal stuff. But the saints and prophets are a bunch of cumguzzlers. Besides, the Catholic Church, for some reason, gets to decide who gets to be a saint. Why did they desanctify Saint Christopher? Now who's going to watch our asses on roads and highways? WE'RE ALL SCREWED.

Then she repeats the nonsense about the bus and stuff before getting into the dumbest part of the song.

Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone

Again, I'm no expert on religious matters, but isn't the idea that if you're a good person you get to go to heaven and chill out with God? Isn't that the whole reason for having a church? "Well yeah, you lived a good Christian life and saved all the blind, deaf schoolchildren from that fire, but here's the thing: God really likes his space and heaven's really more of a one bedroom apartment so . . . ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HELL YOU RAT BASTARD!!!! HAHAHAHA"

Nobody calling on the phone

This song came out in 1995, so there weren't any cellphones around. Can you imagine how expensive it would have been to run a landline to heaven? Plus, long distance calls were ridiculously expensive back then. I don't blame anyone for not calling. I mean, you're just going to see him on the bus again tomorrow, is there anything that's so important you can't wait one day?

'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Now here's my favorite/dumbest line in the entire song. If the Pope really needs to use a telephone to communicate with God, that's just so dumb it would make your head explode if you really thought about it. The Pope is supposed to be God's earthly representative or some bullshit like that, so I seriously doubt that if God really exists, that he would need a telephone. Although that might explain the whole church-child rape thing.

"What's that God? I can't quite hear you, there's a lot of static on my end? What did you say? Did you say rape little boys? That seems like a weird thing to say, but alright I guess if that's what you want." God told Abraham to kill his only son. The guy's a little fucked up. Maybe he really did say to rape the children. Dammit. Why did I have to use my one question on fixing Lost?

Well, I'm going to hell.

-Slick

The Lonely Island is. . .

pretty hilarious. And that's in spite of Andy Samberg's ridiculous appearance.

Here is a completely non-critical critique of the 8 Lonely Island videos that I have watched more than a normal person should have. Maybe I should find a job. Nah..... Also, I hope that all the video embeds still work by the time you read this.

Lazy Sunday (with Chris Parnell)

This is widely regarded as the video that launched them, but only because it's the first music video (they had a fake commercial or something before this, but I don't remember it so it doesn't count).

Everyone else liked this a lot more than I did, but there were still cupcakes in here so that's good enough for me. Plus, it paved the way for the other shorts. And that's good enough to be ranked 7th.

Dick-in-a-box (with Justin Timberlake)

Is this really over 5 years old? I remember when Chris first showed it to us, and it was pretty much the theme of that Christmas. No, not literally, sickos.

I couldn't find an embeddable video (after almost 15 whole seconds of looking), so you'll have to click this link instead. I still can't decide on the funniest part of this video. It's gotta either be the 3 step process for making the dick-in-a-box gift, or the hilarious Justin Timberlake outfits.

This is probably my 2nd favorite Lonely Island video.

Like a Boss (with Seth Rogan)

This video is silly. Well, they all are, but this one is especially silly. You know what, just go watch it.

It's pretty repetitive, but I think the part at the end where Seth Rogan is asking him the questions is funny. The rest is just ok, leaving this video at only number 8 in the power rankings.

I'm on a Boat (with T-Pain)

James and I used to rock out to this song when he and Nicole lived here. Nicole hated it. Obviously, as a female, she lacks a sense of humor.

Come on! This video is hilarious. Plus the song is actually pretty good. T-Pain saying the end of every line is especially funny when they all end in "motherfucker." If this song comes on after I've been drinking, then things are going to get silly. In a surprise victory, this song is my #1 Lonely Island jam.

On the Ground

Who doesn't want to walk around throwing things on the ground? Nobody I know.

Best part? Throwing the kid's cake on the ground and then calling him a jackass. Followed closely by the crazy look in Ryan Reynolds' eyes when he pulls out his taser. This video would be at the top of a list based on actual real-life application, but in Lonely Island hilarity, it gets 4th.

I Just Had Sex (with Akon)

Obviously Akon (aka New Nate Dogg) couldn't let T-Pain (aka new Akon) do one of this videos without getting in on the action.

This song would have been even better if it hadn't been so annoyingly popular with my former students, who, in theory, shouldn't have been having sex in middle school. Oh well. Stupid kids. I love the part where Akon lets them know that any sex is good sex ("she put a bag on my head..." "Still counts!"). This gets the coveted number 5 spot.

Jack Sparrow (with Michael Bolton)

Wow, Michael Bolton is still around? That is good news. Specifically because it means he could be a part of this song.

Everything about this video is hilarious. Bolton's dressing like Jack Sparrow, the other guys' reactions to Bolton, "Now back to the good part!" with that silly hat, and then when he starts trying other movies. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I really thought that Bolton was being Sarah Jessica Parker and not Erin Brockovich. Seriously, are he and SJP twins separated at birth? This relative newcomer takes 3rd place.

3-Way (with Justin Timberlake and supposedly Lady Gaga)

This video just came out like a week ago.

Yeah, so it claims that the girl in this video is Lady Gaga, but she doesn't look like the train wreck she usually is, so I'm skeptical. Also, Kate has vetoed those overalls they're wearing at the beginning from being my wedding attire. That's sad. Not sad? The instant replay at the end of the video where the girl is labeled.

Obviously this video gets 6th, since that's the only spot left.

Hopefully there are many more ridiculous videos coming in the future. Or if not, at least I can just watch these a whole bunch more times.

-Jon

You Thought This Was Dead?

That's just silly. Now, I can't speak for the other yokels that generate posts here, but I have just had a fairly uneventful few weeks and didn't want to bore you with the mundane nature of my life. There was plenty of new stuff happening at Mmmm, beers!, and I believe I ate 6 burgers last month, so it's not like you were starved for content. Or "Jon-tent," as I have often called it.*

Fortunately for you, I have a few new things to discuss. This will be the Quick Hits version, and, depending on how I feel, each of these topics may get its own longer post later on.

Endgame by Rise Against is...

fantastic. Great album, and definitely worth every penny I paid for it. All 12 songs (13 if you got the iTunes bonus track) are in the running for best of the album, so that's saying something. If this is not your kind of music, you might suck, so just go back to listening to your crappy country garbage and don't ever talk to me about music again. For everyone else, you should acquire this somehow (legally of course) and let it rock your face off.**

Extreme Couponing is...

ridiculous. Really, you need 66 bottles of mustard? I'm pretty sure my family hasn't used that much mustard in my entire lifetime. I'll grant that the concept is pretty cool, because I would absolutely like to save 90%+ on the cost of my groceries. But the sheer absurdity of some of the purchases combined with the almost laughable forced drama (oh no, the cash register can only handle 500 scans in one transaction, and they have more than that!!!) makes me feel like I have to mock every single person on the show. Including the people in the background.

The government is...

shutting down? Or maybe already shut down? I don't really know, because I don't really care. I may have discussed how dumb the government is in the past (check the "government" tag for more on this), so my opinion of this shutdown is that it's probably for the best. I'm like 85% sure that Chloe and Odin could run things more efficiently than Congress. More nums for everyone!!

The Red Sox are...

sort of terrible so far. At least they've finally won a game, and it was at the Yankees expense, so that's always nice. One of the big things Remy and Orsillo were talking about during one of the games was whether or not it was too early to panic. In my opinion, it's never too early to panic. Panicking is awesome! Except for when I had that actual panic attack at the bar with Alex, Lindsey the Runner, and a couple other people whose names I forgot. That sucked. But panicking in other situations is great, especially when you yell random stuff, run around crazily and maybe throw a folding chair. Plus, being able to panic about sports means the rest of your life is probably not going too badly.

I will leave you with 2 things, which will hopefully A) make you laugh, and B) make you sad about people.

1. A person asked what NASCAR stood for on Yahoo! Answers, and the first response was "Not A Sport, Centered Around Rednecks." Haha, take that NASCAR.
2. Someone in my News Feed had the following as their status: "watching a movie and eating eminems". First off, I'm pretty sure there's only one Eminem. Secondly, and more importantly, you should not advertise your cannibalism on Facebook. Now everyone's going to know!!

People huh? I'll never understand them.

-Jon

* I've actually never used this word. But I like it.

**Actual face rocking may vary. My face is still intact after a couple dozen listenings, so you'll probably be fine.

The Coolest People in America

The following is a list of the coolest people in America, as decided by me.

Miguel Cabrera

Reason why he is cool: This photo, which was taken after getting caught drunk driving. Also, the guy continued to drink scotch, IN HIS CAR, while being questioned by the cops.

Officer: Were you drunk driving?

Cabrera: (drinks scotch) Yup.

He was drinking scotch, too! It wasn't like he was drinking some shit like Miller Lite, even though it's got grooves. It was scotch!

Coolness Rating: Flying Snowman cool

Chris Brown

Reason why he is cool: He hit Rihanna, and someone needed to knock her off her pedestal. This girl told me the other day that she liked Rihanna because she is such a strong, independent woman. Yeah, with lyrics like, "take it, take it, baby, baby" and "Want you to take it like a thief in the night," I had to agree. I can't wait to have a daughter someday refer to her vag as an object and desire to be raped. Plus, Rihanna has herpes.

Coolness Rating: François with a mustache cool

Chris "The Birdman" Andersen

Reason why he is cool: He got suspended from the NBA for like 2 years for doing so many drugs. Guys in the NBA rape a woman every 4 hours and don't get suspended, which means this guy must have done a LOT of drugs. Take a look at him. He obviously hasn't stopped doing them either.

Coolness Rating: Damn it Jon, get the hint and start making more Snowman comics.

-Pat the Intern

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume III

Does anyone actually think these are funny? I don't know. I don't give a shit. Sorry about the delay, I've just been super busy lately. Katy Perry was on "How I Met Your Mother" on Monday so I figured I would make fun of her this week. As I'm sure you all know, Katy Perry rose to fame with her smash hit, "I Kissed a Girl." And if I remember correctly, I think she liked it. And since then it's just been nonsensical jibberish after nonsensical jibberish. Except for "Hot n cold." That song is my jam. But man, those boobs could sell anything. This week we have "Firework" which I can only assume will be as bad as Bruno Mars and Ke$ha. Not coincidentally, all three artists appear on Pandora's "Really Crappy Pop Music" channel . . . probably.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Uhhhhhhh yeah, only always.

Drifting through the wind

Oh, well then nevermind.

Wanting to start again

I don't get it. I'm supposed to feel like a plastic bag. What am I supposed to want to start again? Holding more groceries?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

I don't know what that feeling is supposed to feel like. I think this song may be directed at fat teenage girls. "That Katy Perry with her incredible body and huge tits, she really understands the pain I'm going through."

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

I'm not really getting these metaphors. Plastic bag, house of cards, a . . . zombie, maybe? But really I feel like a firework and I'm not sure she understands that.

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine

Now everybody sing, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Oh this little light of mine . . ."

Just own the night

You've gotta go out there and be the best damned woman of the night you can possibly be.

Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework

What? She does know I feel like a firework? GAAAAAH SHE TOTALLY GETS ME! THIS SONG MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW!!!!!!!

C'mon let your colors burst

What the fuck does that mean?

Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"

Wait, hold on. Burst . . . "Oh, oh oh." Now get it. It's about sex. I think Katy Perry wants to see your "Oh, oh, oh" face.

You're going to leave them falling down-own-own

That makes sense if you're talking about sex (which clearly she isn't) but what does that have to do with fireworks? Who sees fireworks and is like, "Holy shit, this is too intense. I gotta sit down." This is the problem with today's music. Just throw a bunch of words together. Who gives a shit if they rhyme or make any sense. Throw a hot beat on that and we got a top 10 single. Fucking kids.

You don't have to feel, like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced

If you feel like a waste of space, then you probably are. This is more of that, "Everybody's special" crap which is why kids are becoming a bunch of pussies.

If you only knew, what the future holds

Then it would be boring because you already know what happens. What? Bruce Willis is already dead the entire time in the Sixth Sense? FUCK! Now, I don't need to watch it.

/makes timely Sixth Sense jokes.

After a hurricane, comes a rainbow

Yeah, but is it a double rainbow? Then I'm not going to bother looking.

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Your life is going to be nothing but kittens and rainbows and everything's going to be perfect. Puke.

-Slick

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume II

Chris' "friend" Lindsay wants me to make fun of Ke$ha's "We Are Who We Are" and who am I to deny such a request? So, let's take a closer look at what is sure to be just an awful, awful combination of words.

Hot and dangerous
If you're one of us then roll with us

Already this song begins with a lie because if you've ever seen Ke$ha you know that she is nowhere near anything you could call hot. She looks like a thirteen year old boy. I was going to make a being attracted to 13 year old boys joke, but I don't want to get arrested. So . . . moving on . . .

'Cause we make the hipsters fall in love

I assume all you have to do to get a hipster to fall in love with you is to stop washing, well pretty much everything.

When we get our hotpants on enough

Oh yeah, and hotpants. Hipsters love their hotpants.

And yes, of course we does

Who wrote this song? The Family Guy manatees?

We're running this town just like a club

Oh, so then it will cost $15 to get in, $5 for a bud light and won't be very fun. Plus it will probably be filled with a bunch of Persian people. Fucking Persian people.

And no, you don't wanna mess with us

You are correct. I don't want to mess with a tranny in hotpants. Not again.

Got Jesus on my neck-uh-lace

I'm not going to claim to know very much about Jesus, but I can guarantee that he did not die in order to save people like Ke$ha.

Got that glitter on my eyes

Nothing screams "classy lady" like body glitter. No wait, that's not right. Oh yeah, nothing screams "dirty hooker infested with STD's" like body glitter. Honest mistake.

Stockings ripped all up the side

"Yeah, I had the stockings on. But how is a guy supposed to know I'm willing to fuck him out back on a dumpster if I don't cut them up the side?"

Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let's go-oo-h-oh, LET'S GO!

Tonight we're going har-har-har-har-har-hard

I'm a pussy and even I don't consider anything she's said to be hard.

Just like the world is our-our-our-our-our-ours
We're tearing it apar-par-par-par-par-part
You know we're superstars.
We are who we are.

This is stupid but I'm saving my hate for verse 2.

DJ turn it up
It's about damn time to live it up

Oh? What we've just been doing? That was child's play. NOW IT'S TIME TO LIVE!

I'm so sick of being so serious
It's making my brain delirious

Yes, god forbid you put three minutes into writing a song so it doesn't sound like complete crap.

I'm just talking truth

Did you think I was lying? No, honestly we are this hardcore. We hang out with hippies and wear hotpants and all sorts of stuff society doesn't want us to do.

Telling you about the shit we do

Ke$ha: Alright, so this one time we were out behind Old Man Jenkins' barn just wallowing in the mud with the pigs. You know, getting really, really dirty. And I was like, "Hey, should I take a shower before we go out?" And my friend was like, "Nah, just put on some stockings but rip them up the sides." SO THAT'S WHAT I DID! ARE YOUR FRIENDS THIS HARDCORE? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

We're sellin' our clothes, sleepin' in cars

Totally taking my welfare money to the hairdresser. Mama's got to get her hair did.

Dressin' it down, hittin' on dudes . . . hard.

But keep it real for a second, is there any other way to do it?

I can't believe people like this song. I can't believe somebody wrote this song and was like, "Yup, that's a winner." Going into this post if you were like, "Hey Bill could these lyrics be any stupider than Bruno Mars?" I would have been like, "That's impossible." Yet, here we are. At least Bruno's had a point, I think? I don't know. The worse part about writing these posts is that now I know all the words and can't get them out of my head. Excuse me while I go kill myself.

-Slick

This Week in Lyrical Genius Volume I

Ah, yes. A new year, a new post. And like most great ideas, I stole this one from someone else. Every week I'm going to check out the Billboard Top 100 and pick a song with shitty lyrics to make fun of. It shouldn't be too hard. Actual lyrics will be in bold. Opinions/commentary in normal font. This week in lyrical genius we have young cokehead Bruno Mars' offering "Grenade." Now initially, I thought this song was about fat chicks. Even after hearing it 10 times I thought it was about fat chicks and that's because I didn't actually listen to the lyrics. However, it clearly isn't about BBW, but I think it would have been a much better song had he gone in that direction. Nevertheless, let's see what Mr. Mars had to say:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh

Slut.

Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.

Yup. Definitely a slut.

Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss,

I don't understand. This girl appears to have 0 redeeming qualities and apparently is also a bad kisser, but he's going to go on and list a bunch of absurd crap he would be willing to do for her. I don't know how to make the whipped sound via typing. Make the sound in your head. It should sound like, "wha-chiii" if that makes any sense at all. It probably doesn't. Either way, this guy sounds like a real bitch.

Had your eyes were open, why were they open?

Wait, that's not the way you're supposed to do it? I thought you were supposed to open your eyes as wide as possible so the other person can look into your soul. God dammit.

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
Yeah you tossed it in the trash you did

Gotta be honest, this girl is starting to grow on me. Seems like a real people pleaser.

To give me all your love is all I ever asked

That's not a completely unreasonable request when you look at the list of things he had considered asking for:
1. All of her love
2. A yacht
3. Cuba
4. Mount Fuji
5. Just some of her love

Personally, I would have gone with number 5. Either that or number 3.

Cause, what you don't understand is

Econometrics? That shit is hard.

That I'd catch a grenade for ya

That seems a little unnecessary. I think most girls would be happy with flowers or something that showed you cared.

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I wouldn't do that. I almost cut my fingers off at work one time. It really hurts.

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

I would do this. It says nothing about whether or not the train is moving.

You know I'd do anything for ya

As long as it involves some sort of high risk scenario.

Girl: Hey Bruno, could you go and pick up some milk?
Bruno: No.
Girl: You have battle 12 ninjas to get there.
Bruno: Well why didn't you say so? Of course I'll do it. All that I require is all of your love.
Girl: That seems unreasonable.

Oh, oh
I would go through all of this pain

Why? Because dating a girl isn't painful enough? ZIIIINNNNNGGGG

Take a bullet straight through my brain

The only surefire way of killing a zombie according to "The Walking Dead." Really good show.

Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

Oh boo hoo. This girl won't give up her life for you. "Why won't you die for me? I WOULD TOTALLY DIE FOR YOU TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I CARE!"

Verse 2: No, no, no, no

This might take a minute. He's still trying to make up his mind.

Black, black, black and blue; beat me til I'm numb.

Domestic abuse? I'm sure there's two sides to that story.

Tell the devil I said, "Hey," when you get back to where you're from

Is there anything more attractive than a demon from the underworld. If I had a nickel, right?

Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are, (yeah)

At first I thought this girl was an awful person, but I don't know, he seems a little overdramatic. I'm sure she's quite pleasant when you get to know her.

You'll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car

WILDCARD BITCHES!

At this point the chorus repeats about her leaving his love in a landfill. Then there's a third verse but it's more of him whining how this girl didn't love him as much as he loved her. It might have something to do with the fact that he's super intense. The worst part about this song is now girls everywhere are going to expect men to jump in front of trains for them and do all sorts of ridiculous crap. Just you wait. When a girl wants to take you to an active mine field for a first date you'll believe me.

-Slick

Christmas Stuff That's Weird to Me

Well, I am back from vacation and ready to get back to work for Mmmm, opinions. I was listening to some Christmas carols the other night, and I came up with some questions/comments. So, let's dive right in.

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is the most horrific song I've ever heard. The song is about an old lady who gets brutally killed by a wild animal. However, the grandson and the grandfather don't seem to be sad about it one bit. In fact, the grandfather goes and plays cards instead of being sad that his wife of many years just died. At the very least this song makes light of a very serious situation. At the most it's a cover-up. The way Grandpa acts during the song makes me wonder if he had something to do with the murder.

Why do we associate snow with Christmas? I've always wondered why. For the most part, only a small percentage of the world is able to have snow on Christmas. Secondly, why would we associate snow with an event involving a child born to a virgin in the Middle East? If we really want to recreate Christmas, we should be wishing for unbearably hot weather.

What is a child going to do with frankincense, myrrh, gold and music? All of these gifts do nothing for a child. Frankly, I don't even know what frankincense and myrrh are. So much for being wise men. They get gifts totally useless to a baby. Maybe diapers or milk, hell, even a teddy bear would've been much better. As for the drummer boy, where the hell did he come from? Seriously, where are this dude's parents, and why does he walk around with a drum all the time?

Black Friday: I hate this term almost as much as Jon [Editor's note - he means Slick] hates when people add "-gate" to the end of words whenever there is a scandal. Black Tuesday was the most devastating stock market crash in US history. So I find it ironic that a day where corporations make tons of money should be called "Black" anything. And it just sounds dumb too. Black Friday is also a racist term. White people in the 1950s began calling it Black Friday because the deals were such a "steal" and black people were considered thieves.

Alright, well that concludes Criticizing Christmasgate.

BONUS HOLIDAY GAME!!!

Find the story that I completely made up!

-Pat the Intern

The Story of How Nickelback Came To Be

Editor's note - Please sue Pat, and not me. Thanks Canada.

Two executives at Warner Bros were watching Game 4 of the 1995 World Series and had a couple of drinks. One executive, Johnny Fremont, said, "The people that listen to and buy music are idiots. Our company could make anybody famous." His friend and fellow executive, John C. Calhoun, said, "No way! People are smart and wouldn't buy or listen to music that sucked." So, as the Braves polished off a 5-2 win to take a 3-1 World Series lead, Fremont said, "I'll make you a bet. I bet you I can find the most generic, lame, non-entertaining band in the world and make them successful." Calhoun replied, "You're on!" They shook hands and bet "the usual amount."

Fremont searched America for years, looking for shitty bands. In his autobiography How I Helped Ruin Music: The Story of Nickelback, he describes how he particularly liked the challenge of Papa Roach. Just when Fremont was about to sign Papa Roach, thinking they were the shittiest band he was going to find, he walked in a Canadian bar in Hanna, Alberta, Canada. Fremont explains, "The only reason I was going to the bar was because I was out of drugs. I walk into this place, and I was stunned to hear how generic, awful and not entertaining this band was." The band was a young Nickelback. The more Fremont listened, the more he was horrified. He thought to himself, "If I can make this band successful, I will win a Rambo lunchbox from Johnny."

One day in 1999, Fremont came into the office smiling. Calhoun asked him what the deal was. Fremont explained how he had found the worst band ever and was going to make them successful and win the bet. Calhoun responded, "Oh yeah, let's hear them." After listening to only 4 songs, Calhoun couldn't take it anymore. He vomited all over Fremont and blacked out. When Calhoun awoke, he was in a state of shock. "I don't understand how a band could have such lame lyrics and be so untalented," he said. "We can't give this band a contract; we'll lose our jobs!" However, Fremont had a plan. "I'll take full responsibility for the band," he said. "I already have a plan. First, we make radio stations play Nickelback at least 55 times a day. Then we will pay influential people so that they say Nickelback is good. Americans will do whatever famous people tell them to do. Next, we talk to our friend Clay Henry over at the movie studio and make him put Nickelback on every movie soundtrack. Finally, we make the radio stations play them 100 times a day!! And, completely unrelated to this, I saw this asexual man named Ryan Seacrest on a game show and he was truly awful. I want an idea for a show combining him with shitty music sung by regular people. Don't worry, I'll find a way to make the show popular."

With this foolproof plan, Fremont jumped into action. First, Nickelback was on the radio. Then they had a song on the Spiderman soundtrack. Then Ryan Seacrest had his own radio show and he was playing Nickelback. The general public began consuming Nickelback at an ungodly rate. They didn't like it at first, but it slowly became intolerable, and, combining the influence of a hit movie, Ryan Seacrest and millions of radio plays, all of a sudden people started to actually like it. Nickelback had become the second best foreign selling act in American history. (Behind The Beatles. Thanks America. There is a list out there that has Nickelback right behind The Beatles. Or, as Slick would say, RIGHT BEHIND THE FUCKING BEATLES!!)

John C. Calhoun went into a state of depression as Nickelback became more and more popular. He took his own life August 1, 2007, stating, "Wow, this music sucks. I don't want to live anymore. And I don't know why I bet on Cleveland in the 1995 World Series. But come on America, Nickelback?? What the fuck? Ok, I'm going to die now." Fremont knew he had unleashed a monster. Over the next few years, music executives, instead of looking for talented bands, followed Fremont's lead and started churning out shitty bands like Daughtry, Snow Patrol and Plain White T's. Calhoun's death is what drove Fremont to write his autobiography. This autobiography predicts an ominous future if we keep allowing shitty bands like Nickelback to be played on the radio.

This is only a summary of the story of Fremont's book and the story of Nickelback, but I urge you all to read the book and to write to your radio stations demanding that Nickelback not be played anymore.

-Pat the Intern

What's the Rumpus? is. . .

a pretty good CD by Gaelic Storm. I am not sure it will get as much car-time as their older album, How Are We Getting Home?, but there is some quality stuff on there.

Gaelic Storm has the distinction of somehow being the first "real" band that I have seen live twice. (Sorry, Darik and the Funbags, you don't get included even though you rock out because all the songs you play are actually other people's.) Also, both times I saw the Storm were in Northampton, albeit in very different venues. The first was at the Iron Horse, which is a pretty small place with waitresses lacking in mathematical abilities. I was with Tina, Richard, and Emily, and somehow the 4 of us managed to go the entire show and only drink 6 pints of beer total according to our bill. Now, I drank 5 myself, and everyone had a drink to start, so it would appear that something went wrong with the counting somewhere along the line. Woohoo, free beer! The second time was a few weeks ago at the Calvin, which is really large and does not have a waitress bringing me free pints. However, I was a lot more familiar with their music this time around, which made the show more enjoyable, even though it was more sober.

I reread my post on Appeal to Reason, in which I stated that I was going to stick to that format for CDs. Well, guess what? Much like Slick's movie posts, the format is changing already. Instead, I am going to write this as I listen to the CD, and give individual opinions for each song. The Best Songs, Skips, and Final Rating will remain (just in a different style), so there is at least some consistency. Who knows. By the next CD, this could be different again.

On with the show!

What's the Rumpus? by Gaelic Storm (2008)

One thing to know about the band is that, much like blink-182 or Barenaked Ladies, they have two different singers with distinct sounds. I think their names are Patrick and Steve. I know one is Patrick, and Steve sounds good enough, so let's go with it. Patrick sings the fun and goofy songs, and possibly-Steve sings the more serious stuff. I tend to like the Steve songs more, with some exceptions, but I will not be distinguishing between the two guys in my review, pretty much just to mess with you after you've read this long paragraph. Ha! Deal with that.

1) "What's the Rumpus?" - Good opening track for the CD. It gets things going with a pretty lively song about a party gone slightly too far. It would also be a good song to kick off a live show, but I don't remember if they used it last month. I like it.

2) "Lover's Wreck" - Best. This song is great. It sounds like it's pretty Irish to me, although I have nothing at all to base that on. I think it's about a guy who turns to piracy because he loses something. Probably a girl, but he could also be upset about losing his car keys. That is a pretty crappy thing to have happen to you as well.

3) "Darcy's Donkey" - People love this song when it's played live. I guess because it's about a messed-up donkey who gets wasted, wins a horserace, then dies. It's really something we can all relate to. It's a pretty good song. It's catchy, it's got drunken animals, and it makes me want to start drinking whiskey. You can't really go wrong with any of those.

4) "The Mechanical Bull" - This song is an instrumental one. I don't really know how you come up with titles for instrumental songs. I guess this was was written when someone was either riding a mechanical bull, or when their friend was riding a mechanical bull, or when they were visiting the mechanical farm. It's not bad for an instrumental song, especially if you like bagpipes. Otherwise, you probably won't like it, and you probably shouldn't be listening to band with the name "Gaelic Storm."

5) "Human to a God" - Eh, this song is pretty average. It's about a guy who loves a girl who is marrying another guy and wants some divine intervention. Yawn. It's pretty mellow, so it's like the calm before the storm of the next tune.

6) "Slim Jim and the Seven Eleven Girl" - Best. Despite it's stupid name, this song is one of my favorites. The music is awesome, and the song itself is also good. That's generally a winning combination. You'll know if this song is playing when you drive past me because I'll be rocking out behind the wheel. I am actually doing some foot-stomping while I type this, which is not smart since I'm on a laptop. But I think that gives you an idea of the quality of the song.

7) "Don't Let The Truth Get In The Way (Of A Good Story)" - Who is naming these songs, Fall Out Boy? If I ever review one of their albums, I'll have to watch out for a character limit on the posts and do the thing in phases. This song is about making up ridiculous stories because lying is more fun than being honest. It's the kind of song that you'll listen to, enjoy while it's playing, and then probably forget about. Nothing amazing, but nothing bad either. I'll take it!

8) "The Samurai Set" - This is another instrumental song. It sounds like it's got a lot more fiddle and less bagpipes than "The Mechanical Bull." There is definitely plenty of bagpipes though, so don't be too sad. I have no idea what the name of the song means. Nothing about this song makes me think of Japan or samurai or that video game Samurai Showdown (which I am thinking about now. Is that the one with the little gremlin Gen-an?) or anything samurai-esque. I don't understand how they are naming these things. Also, it's apparent that I need songs with lyrics or else I get completely sidetracked. The song's ok. I don't skip it when I'm listening to the CD, which is about all you can hope for in an instrumental.

9) "Beidh Aonach Amárach" - This song continues the trend that the band has of having one song every album that is completely sung in Irish. Wait, is that a language, or is it supposed to be Gaelic? I assume no one will tell me with a nicely thought-out comment. Jerks. This song is kind of mellow compared to most of what's been going on for the rest of the album. I think it's a nice change of pace, even though something is probably lost in the translation. In this case, I have literally no idea what it's about, as my Irish/Gaelic is limited to yelling "Sláinte!" when I'm drinking Guinness on St. Patrick's Day. Beer is fun.

10) "Death Ride to Durango" - Another instrumental. I don't like when they are grouped so close together, because it's hard to tell them apart. I think this song may be the sequel to the song "Cab Ride to Kingston" from How Are We Getting Home?, but obviously that is just because of the similarities in the title structures. There sounds like a lot of fiddle and tin whistle in this one, and doesn't seem very sad. Maybe Durango is actually a pretty sweet place. I kind of like this song, but I can't really tell what makes it better than either of the other instrumentals. Oh well; if you've got a problem with that, you can write your own opinion website. Just don't try to capitalize on the "Mmmm. . ." brand name.

11) "Faithful Land" - This song is a relaxed, chilling-out song. It's probably about Ireland, but I don't really pay attention to lyrics sometimes. I like it, especially the syncopation in the chorus. It gets to stay in the rotation.

12) "If Good Times Were Dollars" - This song is all about being happy even if you don't have any cool stuff. That's a good message, and the song is also good. It's above average for the album, but probably wouldn't make my Gaelic Storm Greatest Hits Mixtape. Is that a helpful review?

13) "Floating the Flambeau" - The final instrumental, and none too soon. This is a bagpipes-heavy song, with some cool percussion stuff going on in the background. However, it suffers in my book from being the 4th instrumental song, and I am often bagpiped out by the time I get to it. If I start the CD in the middle, it's not an issue, but if I'm listening on the way to Kathryn's or some other far destination, I will probably get annoyed. It does get a little crazy in the middle, which is nice. I'll have to give it a listen sometime when I haven't been listening to the whole CD in one session to see if it changes my opinion.

14) "The Night I Punched Russell Crowe" - It's pretty tough to figure out what the story behind this song is. I wish the title had been slightly less vague. (I need a sarcasm font just to make it clear.) I have no idea if the story really happened, because this CD has already suggested that I not let the truth ruin a good story. Also, there is no telephone throwing anywhere in the song. I feel that a real Russell Crowe story needs someone throwing a phone. The song is ok. I know other people like it more based on the reaction at the concert, but to me it's just an average song with a funny story.

Final rating - "I'm glad I got it, but I wouldn't have had to commit harakiri had I bypassed it." There's enough here to make it worth the purchase, and nothing that I feel the need to skip on every playthrough. And really, that's a pretty impressive feat for a CD at this point in my life. Well done!

And there you have it. The new, potentially improved CD review format. I've got a lot more new CDs, so you'll soon be able to see if I'm going to stick to it.

-Jon

PS - Why is my font different? I don't like this. This part is the correct size, and the rest is weird.