Billionaires vs. Millionaires? Not Really

If the NFL doesn't have a football season this fall, the Mmmm, opinions staff members are going to be upset. Safe to say, Slick might even be enraged. We can blame all of this on. . .

The owners.

The median net worth of an owner in the NFL is over $1 billion. Ralph Wilson, owner of the Buffalo Bills, ranked 26th in NFL owners with a net worth of over $900 million in 2010. On the other hand, the median salary of an NFL player in 2009 was $770,000. This means that more than half of the players in the NFL make less than $1 million. I keep reading articles about how both sides are greedy and how it's billionaires vs. millionaires. However, after doing 8 minutes of research and without a degree in English or Journalism, I have just proven this not to be so.

The owners are simply greedy. They already have it made!

1. They could backload players' contracts and then cut the player if his performance fell off.
2. They can force a player to play for their team by franchise tagging him.
3. The contracts weren't guaranteed. (Also, "non-guaranteed contract" is an oxymoron.)

And the players were fine with keeping the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) the way it was! None of the owners even needs the money. How much money is enough for one person to have? However, NFL players aren't as rich as some people think.

Think about it: a Dartmouth study found the median career length to be 4 years. Multiply this by the median salary and you get $3.08 million as the median amount of money made by a player in the NFL. $3.08 million is a lot of money. However, if you retire around age 27, you aren't going to live the rest of your life on $3.08 million. So the players have every right to bargain for more money, especially since their bodies are the commodities being used by the owners.

Another reason why the owners are greedy is that they want more games to be played. I've already pointed out that players have short careers. The owners are going to shorten the median career length of a player by adding more games to the schedule. If the owners get an 18-game schedule like they want, that means there are 2 more games a season where a player can get injured. And seriously injured players aren't useful to greedy owners.

So it's not billionaires vs. millionaires, but billionaires wanting more money, wanting to give players less, and wanting to make players work more.

-Pat the Intern

You Thought This Was Dead?

That's just silly. Now, I can't speak for the other yokels that generate posts here, but I have just had a fairly uneventful few weeks and didn't want to bore you with the mundane nature of my life. There was plenty of new stuff happening at Mmmm, beers!, and I believe I ate 6 burgers last month, so it's not like you were starved for content. Or "Jon-tent," as I have often called it.*

Fortunately for you, I have a few new things to discuss. This will be the Quick Hits version, and, depending on how I feel, each of these topics may get its own longer post later on.

Endgame by Rise Against is...

fantastic. Great album, and definitely worth every penny I paid for it. All 12 songs (13 if you got the iTunes bonus track) are in the running for best of the album, so that's saying something. If this is not your kind of music, you might suck, so just go back to listening to your crappy country garbage and don't ever talk to me about music again. For everyone else, you should acquire this somehow (legally of course) and let it rock your face off.**

Extreme Couponing is...

ridiculous. Really, you need 66 bottles of mustard? I'm pretty sure my family hasn't used that much mustard in my entire lifetime. I'll grant that the concept is pretty cool, because I would absolutely like to save 90%+ on the cost of my groceries. But the sheer absurdity of some of the purchases combined with the almost laughable forced drama (oh no, the cash register can only handle 500 scans in one transaction, and they have more than that!!!) makes me feel like I have to mock every single person on the show. Including the people in the background.

The government is...

shutting down? Or maybe already shut down? I don't really know, because I don't really care. I may have discussed how dumb the government is in the past (check the "government" tag for more on this), so my opinion of this shutdown is that it's probably for the best. I'm like 85% sure that Chloe and Odin could run things more efficiently than Congress. More nums for everyone!!

The Red Sox are...

sort of terrible so far. At least they've finally won a game, and it was at the Yankees expense, so that's always nice. One of the big things Remy and Orsillo were talking about during one of the games was whether or not it was too early to panic. In my opinion, it's never too early to panic. Panicking is awesome! Except for when I had that actual panic attack at the bar with Alex, Lindsey the Runner, and a couple other people whose names I forgot. That sucked. But panicking in other situations is great, especially when you yell random stuff, run around crazily and maybe throw a folding chair. Plus, being able to panic about sports means the rest of your life is probably not going too badly.

I will leave you with 2 things, which will hopefully A) make you laugh, and B) make you sad about people.

1. A person asked what NASCAR stood for on Yahoo! Answers, and the first response was "Not A Sport, Centered Around Rednecks." Haha, take that NASCAR.
2. Someone in my News Feed had the following as their status: "watching a movie and eating eminems". First off, I'm pretty sure there's only one Eminem. Secondly, and more importantly, you should not advertise your cannibalism on Facebook. Now everyone's going to know!!

People huh? I'll never understand them.

-Jon

* I've actually never used this word. But I like it.

**Actual face rocking may vary. My face is still intact after a couple dozen listenings, so you'll probably be fine.

Dammit Celtics

What kind of trade deadline shenanigans was Danny Ainge trying to pull? Is there a shortage of chairs for the bench and they needed to cut the roster? Is Jermaine O'Neal someone that you really have faith in as the guy who's going to carry the team in the playoffs? Who's going to fill the role of goofy white guy now that Scal's replacement Luke "The Duke" Harangody* is also gone? Are you tired of the rhetorical questions yet?

In case you still don't know what's going on, the Celtics had a yard sale at the trading deadline, sending away Kendrick Perkins, Nate Robinson, Semih Erden, Luke Harangody and Marquis Daniels + cash to various destinations in exchange for Jeff Green, Nenad Krstic, a 2nd round pick in 2013 and another 2nd round pick in 2017. And then promptly got the shit kicked out of them in Denver, going the last 6 minutes or so of the game without scoring a point.

I can understand trading Semih and Luke, as Semih is a rookie and probably doesn't fit in long-term in Boston, and Luke is just a goofy guy. Maybe trading Marquis makes sense since he bruised his spinal cord and may never really be the same player. That's a pretty crappy thing to do to a guy, but the NBA's a business and being nice isn't really in the game plan. And I suppose Robinson's season so far has been pretty sub-par, but at least he's fun to watch.

But Perkins? The only guy on the team that's willing to bang bodies with the other big guys in the league? That seems like a terrible idea. I am seriously frightened about what Dwight Howard is going to do to the Celtics next time the Magic are in town. And it's not like Perkins was unhappy in Boston, or unpopular with the team. The rest of the players loved that guy. Did you see how upset Garnett and Pierce were? Not to mention the fact that any real Celtics fan is convinced that Game 7 last June is definitely a win for the C's if Perk hadn't wrecked his knee.

And they traded him away!

Danny Ainge might have just lost all the goodwill he earned when he got Garnett and Allen to come to Boston. Ass hat.

I wouldn't even mind seeing the Thunder win the championship now as long as A) it's not against the Celtics, B) they beat the Lakers on the way there, and C) Perkins is a major part of it.

As for the Celtics? The next couple of months may end up being very painful to watch. Thanks a lot, Danny boy.

-Jon

* Actual nickname may vary. Slash not exist.

The Coolest People in America

The following is a list of the coolest people in America, as decided by me.

Miguel Cabrera

Reason why he is cool: This photo, which was taken after getting caught drunk driving. Also, the guy continued to drink scotch, IN HIS CAR, while being questioned by the cops.

Officer: Were you drunk driving?

Cabrera: (drinks scotch) Yup.

He was drinking scotch, too! It wasn't like he was drinking some shit like Miller Lite, even though it's got grooves. It was scotch!

Coolness Rating: Flying Snowman cool

Chris Brown

Reason why he is cool: He hit Rihanna, and someone needed to knock her off her pedestal. This girl told me the other day that she liked Rihanna because she is such a strong, independent woman. Yeah, with lyrics like, "take it, take it, baby, baby" and "Want you to take it like a thief in the night," I had to agree. I can't wait to have a daughter someday refer to her vag as an object and desire to be raped. Plus, Rihanna has herpes.

Coolness Rating: François with a mustache cool

Chris "The Birdman" Andersen

Reason why he is cool: He got suspended from the NBA for like 2 years for doing so many drugs. Guys in the NBA rape a woman every 4 hours and don't get suspended, which means this guy must have done a LOT of drugs. Take a look at him. He obviously hasn't stopped doing them either.

Coolness Rating: Damn it Jon, get the hint and start making more Snowman comics.

-Pat the Intern

I Don't Get It

With new developments in technology, television networks are always trying to develop the next gimmick to watch sports. 3D televisions allow you to see the game in a whole new way . . . I guess. I don't know. I already have to put on glasses to watch tv because I'm irrational and refuse to get contacts, so I don't know how much I'd want to put on another pair of glasses. It just seems weird to me. But I digress. Then you have NBC (I think, it might be ESPN) telling me I can watch Sunday Night Football from 12 different angles over at NBC.com but none of those angles are shot from the perspective of the left guard's crotch. That's the view I really want. But I'd really just like to watch a game without 45 minutes of commercials. Yes it's delightful to have a touchdown-commercial-kickoff-commercial-first down sequence but I'm not sure that 11 seconds of gameplay was too much. But I continue to digress as this post as nothing to do with 3D technology or football.

I was watching the Kansas-Kansas State game last night and ESPN had two "coaches boxes" in the bottom left corner so that I could watch Bill Self and Frank Martin coaching the game I'm currently watching. So essentially I'm watching both coaches watching the same game. Now admittedly, Frank Martin is fun to watch because he's absolutely nuts. Like eyes bulging, intense stare down insane. Oh look, they called a foul on Kansas. Bill Self looks angry. Frank Martin . . . nope still looks insane. At what point in an ESPN meeting at their underground lair in Bristol was someone like, "People have asked for, nay demanded, cameras focused on the coaches at all times." I can't imagine it works for coaches that aren't certifiable. Like if I had to watch Coach K it would send me into a murderous rage having to watch that little rat faced prick whine and bitch that Kyle Singler isn't getting enough respect from the referees.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I don't see the appeal of watching coaches. I just don't get it.

-Slick

NBA Fans are. . .

obviously morons.

Yao Ming was voted as the starter for the Western Conference All-Star team. Yes, the Yao Ming for the Houston Rockets who played in a grand total of 5 games this year before getting hurt. The Yao Ming whose stats for the year are 51 points, 27 rebounds, 8 blocks and 4 assists. Total. That guy was elected to the All-Star team. As a starter. That's a major kick in the junk to every other starting center in the Western Conference. Granted, he's 15 of 16 from the free throw line. Apparently you just can't put a high enough value on that kind of performance.

Not elected to the All-Star team? Kevin Love, who in one game this year had 31 rebounds, which would be more than Yao's season total. He's also averaging 21.4 points per game, which more than doubles Yao's measly 10.2. Maybe Love's problem is that he's listed as a power forward and has to go for votes against guy's like Pau Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki and Blake Griffin. And also that the Western Conference isn't starting a power forward, which is just strange.

Also a moron is the guy who wrote an article about the All-Star team snubs and mentioned Joakim Noah. Now, I'm obviously biased against Noah because he's not on the Celtics and looks ridiculous, but I'm a reasonable person so I'll listen to the argument for his place on the squad. Until the guy supporting him (who is a writer for ESPN and not some random schmo) ends his blurb with the following sentence.

Thanks to injury, he has played just 24 games, and a lot of Chicago's best ball has come with Noah in funky street clothes.

So the team is playing great, and possibly better, without him, but he's an All-Star? Not buying it.

And sorry, NBA fans, you had your chance and you blew it. The All-Star game shouldn't be a popularity contest. It's not a high school election.

*UPDATE* - David Stern, the NBA commissioner, obviously reads this blog. It was just announced in the last couple hours that Yao's spot will be filled by Kevin Love since obviously Yao won't actually be attending due to injury. Thanks for reading, Dave!

-Jon

Fantasy Football Final Wrap-up

After a promising 5th-place position at 6-5 with 3 games to go, Final Fantasy Football went on an epic streak to finish. . . dead last. Five consecutive losses will do that to a team. I'm talking about the kind of collapse you would expect from the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS. No matter what my team did, it wasn't enough. Luckily, I've learned some things that can be applied to future attempts at Fantasy Football success.

• No matter which tight end I use, the one on my bench is going to have a better game. To overcome this next year, there will be at most 1 TE on my roster at any given time. Occasionally, I may even leave that position empty. That way when I get zero points, I'll at least be expecting it.
• Dwayne Bowe is a jerk. How can a player have 0 points one week and 48 the next? That's some bullshit.
• If the league is PPR, it's probably more important to have running backs that are guaranteed to be getting a few screen passes every game. Those points add up, mostly for my opponent.
• If a player is on my team, they are going to have at least 4 awful games. I apologize to anyone else who had Chris Johnson, Anquan Boldin, Ryan Grant, Tony Gonzalez, DeSean Jackson and the rest of my roster. Except Drew Brees, who was fairly consistent and awesome, and probably the only redeeming thing about my draft. Go me.
• Don't pick up RBs who are in a tandem system. Shonn Green consistently killed any production that Tomlinson might have put up by stealing his precious carries. And also the Jets feel the need to only run Tomlinson directly into whichever area of the field has the most defensive players.
• Average players will have career days when they are on my opponents' rosters. Thanks a lot, Rob Gronkowski.

Using this information, I am shooting for a major improvement next year. Like, 2nd to last instead of last. Baby steps. You may want to wait until after I've done my draft next season so that you'll know who not to take.

-Jon

I Hate ESPN

It's Monday night and Brett Favre is doing his press conference. ESPN flashes this stat on the screen:

Brett Favre: 1 of 11 players in NFL history to throw a 99-yd TD pass.

It's such a random accomplishment. It's like if, when Michael Jordan retired, they had a graphic that said: "Michael Jordan: 1 of 14 players to make a 63-foot shot." Out of all the stats you can choose for Brett Favre, they choose this one. You want to know the illustrious list of QBs with 99-yd throws?

• Frank Filchock (sounds like the owner of a frozen chicken product line)
• George Izo (never heard of him)
• Karl Sweetan (never heard of him)
• Sonny Jurgenson (he was good)
• Jim Plunkett (he was good)
• Gus Frerotte (he's awful)
• Stan Humphries (he's not good)
• Trent Green (he's ok)
• Jeff Garcia (he's weird looking)
• Brett Favre
• Ron Jaworski (hmm, maybe now I know why ESPN put up this graphic)

-Pat the Intern

Racism!

My favorite topic to write about is racism. Why? Because it is so prevalent throughout most aspects of our society. The funny thing about racism is that it changes over time. You see, in the 1950s it was ok to be blatantly racist and, in fact, government supported. Now, racism is subtle. Now it is certain ideas with racist undertones. These undertones come from racist ideas that the USA supported long ago. It's actually pretty clever.

For example, Donovan McNabb gets benched in the final 2 minutes of the 4th quarter against the Lions in favor of Rex "Worst QB Ever" Grossman. The reasoning: "Rex knew the offense better and was in better shape." Why are black quarterbacks and black athletes in general considered dumb and lazy? That's essentially what Redskins coach Mike Shanahan is saying. Donovan McNabb is like a 6-time Pro Bowl QB (remember, here at Mmmm, opinions we don't like to do a ton of research, so he might have 5 or 7 Pro Bowls) and has been a professional athlete for over 10 years. Are you telling me he is too stupid to know an offense he has run for 10 years (Shanahan's offense is similar to Andy Reid's in Philadelphia)? And are you also telling me that he is too lazy to be on the field with 2 minutes left?

Don't get me wrong; Mike Shanahan is not a racist. Not consciously anyway. These racist ideas are a product of the society we live in. All of us have had racist ideas and have stereotypes about race. How awesome is it when you see a little white dude compete athletically with big, hulking black guys? The media loves it and you love it. And then assumptions start being made. For example: Peyton Hillis, a white dude. When you think Peyton Hillis, you think hard working, gets the most out of his abilities, team guy, has overcome lots of adversity. But how do you know that Peyton Hillis works hard and is this awesome dude? For all we know, he could've had a private running back coach since age 7 and be a complete asshole.

Also, people act as if white people aren't as athletic as black people, as if black people have some extra muscles or something, which was something believed "back in the day," or that white people have to outwork black people in order to make it in sports. Which should be easy to do because they're dumb and lazy. Why don't people talk about Arian Foster? It's ironic that the dude's name is "Arian" and he is black and this post is about racism. Foster is not only better than Hillis, but had to overcome way more adversity. Foster was undrafted, and he had to spend most of his first season on the practice squad, which meant he went to every practice and didn't have the luxury of going on IR if he had gotten hurt. If he had, he would have been cut. I recently heard a white analyst on ESPN say, "Peyton Hillis: America's running back." Why isn't Foster "America's running back"? He has overcome adversity and worked hard. Oh yeah, he's not white.

We've already talked about one black quarterback, but let's talk about some others. It is really strange to me when people say that there are no good black quarterbacks because they run too much and get hurt. This is untrue. Nobody seemed to have a problem when Steve Young ran the ball. Young ran for 4,239 yards in 169 games in his career. Donovan McNabb has run for 3,400 yards in 161 games. Yet there is always a problem when McNabb tucks the ball and run, or when Michael Vick does it, or Warren Moon or really anyone with lots of melanin in their skin.

Speaking of Vick, why doesn't he get the same protection as Manning or Brady when it comes to late hits or helmet-to-helmet hits? An analyst on Fox said that Vick doesn't get the same protection because he leaves the pocket and refs think of him as a runner. It's basically as if they are saying that if you don't play QB the way white people play, we aren't going to help you out.

Sports in general are racist, and this post only scratches the surface. Now I need to write about lighter topics. Maybe I'll break down another 1990s movie like Blank Check or First Kid (I love Sinbad). Anyway, racism isn't cool man.

Pat the Intern

Madden '11 - A Thorough Breakdown

I haven't played any of the Madden games in a long time for a variety of reasons. I suck at them, the play calling is absolutely baffling to me, I am terrible at them, and they aren't fun due to my high level of sucktitude. But other people in my family like them, so I get to see them in action. Which means that I can criticize them! Let's look at this year's game together, shall we?

Major problem #1 - One of the announcers in this game is Cris Collinsworth. It isn't enough that I have to put up with his nonsense all year during one primetime game every week, but now I have to listen to him during my free time? That is just not cool. Also, every game he claims that each quarterback "can throw as hard as anybody in the league." There has to be some difference between quarterbacks' armstrength. Especially if one of those quarterbacks is Chad "20-yard Hail Mary" Pennington.

Major problem #2 - The wide receivers on your team act like they have no fingers and their hands are completely coated in butter when you play on All-Madden. There is no way Calvin Johnson drops this many passes in a real season. Surprisingly, the computer teams have no such problems. Wait, that's not surprising; it's more computer AI cheating bullshit, which has been present at least since RC Pro-Am back on the NES. Fuck that yellow car.

Minor problem #1 - Speaking of Calvin Johnson, I understand that his full name is "Calvin Johnson Jr.," but he is never referred to as such. Go look at his jersey. As a matter of fact, I'll find it for you since I know how valuable your time is. Does it say "Johnson Jr." on the back of any of them? Definitely not, at least for the first several pages. That means it's really weird that Madden refers to him as Johnson Jr.

Minor problem #2 - I have rarely seen punt coverage players get right in the punt returner's face when he is trying to field a punt, but it happens on every single punt in this game when you don't pick the "punt block" formation. That punt target circle is going to have the returner and at least 2 blockers every punt. For a game that prides itself on realism, this is not acceptable. Strangely, on kickoffs the blockers come back toward the returner and then turn and block without getting in his grill. You know, sort of like real football.

Major problem #3 - The computer cheats. You can throw on 5 straight plays, and then when you call a running play, not only do they have a great run defense called, they also have the defense overloaded exactly at the place where the run is designed to go. That's even worse than screen-watching back in Goldeneye, because at least you could hit your friends for being sneaky bastards. What can you do to a computer opponent to punish them for these transgressions? They don't feel pain or embarrassment, so punching them in the nuts is pointless. And also they don't have nuts. Very unfair.

Well, that about covers my first few reactions to this game. If I come up with anything else, I'l just add it in here and repost this later.

-Jon

Dumb Stats That Shouldn't Be Used (Sports Edition)

I'm no statistician.

In fact, I've taken 2 Stats classes at UMass and went to like 11 of those classes combined. I don't like to show off and get the A. I'll settle for the C sometimes. Anyway, even though I'm not a statistician, I do recognize how dumb some stats are that mainstream sports analysts/casters use. And after this lesson from Pat the Intern, you can too.

Dumb Stat #1: Win-Loss Record

You may think I'm a bitter Jets fan and think I'm only saying this to take a shot at Tom Brady. However, I'm actually a huge New England Patriots fan, and I believe that he is one of the best QBs to ever play the game. However, he is not a great QB because he "wins games." Using a statistic that measures team performance for a person is dumb. There are way too many variables in a football game to give only one person credit. Granted, Tom Brady has more to do with a win for the Patriots than probably anybody else on the team, but he is still on the field less than half the time possession wise when you account for special teams and defense. In baseball, it's even more ridiculous. Pitchers have even less control of the variables involved in a baseball game than QBs do in football. Win-loss records in baseball might as well be called "Lucky Points" since pitchers are completely reliant upon hitting and fielding from other players. Basically they rely on luck and teammates to generate a statistic that measures their individual performance. I remember Kevin Millwood had a sick season: like 2.40 ERA, lots of K's, but he went 8-13 or something because he played for the shitty Indians. I feel bad because he led the league in these pitching categories, but he was not considered for a Cy Young and didn't get a ton of money on the free agent market either. And also I'm too lazy to go look up his numbers from that year.

Dumb Stat #2: Batting Average

Batting Average is dumb for the simple reason that it does not account for walks or hit by pitches. It's as if those at-bats didn't happen. Obviously, OBP [Editor's note - that's On-Base Percentage for our less-informed readers] is the superior stat as it measures the amount of times you didn't make an out. Baseball is a simple binomial experiment. Get on base = success. Get out = failure. Also, there is a lot of luck involved. The difference between a .275 hitter and a .300 hitter is like one hit every 10 days throughout the season. So those 10-12 lucky bloopers some guy randomly got one year make it seem like he had an awesome year hitting. Why don't we just use OBP instead of AVG? It makes way more sense. Because baseball is the worst sport in America.

Dumb Stat #3: Clutch Hitting

The reason why Clutch Hitting is a dumb stat is because it's not even a stat because it can't be quantified. Therefore, there is no such thing as a clutch hitter. There is no agreeable "clutch moment." Seriously, someone tell me what a clutch hit is. I feel like getting a home run in the 3rd inning can be just as clutch as one hit in the 8th. They both count for the same amount. Even if there were a quantified way to determine what clutch is, the sample size would be so small that it would be pointless.

-Pat the Intern

Meaningless Graphics

It's Monday Night, 8:20pm, and ESPN is showing players warming up for the Ravens. Here is the graphic:

Joe Flacco 3rd Season (All with Ravens)

All with Ravens? All 3 of them? Three is not a big enough number to use the phrase "all with," especially in regards to a starting QB.

-Pat the Intern

Please. . . Just Shut Up

As an American male, it's in my blood to like sports. Not literally, as that would probably result in a nasty infection, but in the idiomatic way. Unfortunately, enjoying sports comes with an extremely disturbing and evil catch: announcers. What is the deal with these guys? Somehow you can take a completely normal, high-functioning human being and put him behind a microphone, and the result is like trying to get a pug to pilot an airplane. Disaster!

Now, I have nothing against these guys as people. Probably. But I don't want to have to listen to them talk about sports anymore. Time for some new blood. Hell, let Matt do it. He's knowledgeable about sports. There's no way he'll be worse than some of these clowns.

First on the list is Joe Buck, because this list is temporarily alphabetical, and I have the most vitriol reserved for him. And look, you learned a new word today! I am absolutely fed up with this guy's "and all he's done today is..." shtick. For instance: "Ryan Howard comes to the plate, and all he's done today is go 2 for 3 with 2 doubles and 3 RBIs." Haha, I get it. You're being ironic because 2 for 3 with 2 doubles and 3 RBIs is actually very impressive, and you're making it seem like it's not a big deal. That might have been clever the first time. Or the second. But by the tenth it was getting old. And now every time I hear it, it's the aural equivalent of stabbing myself in the balls with a screwdriver. Plus I also have to listen to it during football season. Enough.

Now for a 2-for-1 (or buy one, get one) of crap: Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. These guys make Sunday Night Baseball practically unwatchable. And unfortunately, ESPN likes putting the Red Sox -Yankees matchups on Sunday Night every time they play. So not only do I have to wait longer for the game to start, I have to listen to these 2 yammer on about God-knows-what for the whole 4+ hours. Luckily, they are out for next season. It only took 11 years. Nice job, ESPN.

Speaking of dynamic duos, no list of annoying sportscasters would be complete without mentioning Jon Gruden and Ron "Jaws" Jaworski. I don't know what poor Mike Tirico did, but unless he's a mass murderer who eats his victims, he does not deserve this. Gruden is absolutely in love with pretty much every single player on the field, and Jaws, as I mentioned on Twitter can't broadcast a game without spending the majority of it verbally slobbing someone's knob (usually the quarterback). Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to block them out the way I block Phil Simms out, who will not make it on this list because Slick already covered his jackassery.

Know who else ruins primetime football? Cris Collinsworth. He says some of the most batshit insane stuff during a game that it makes me wonder if he's watching something completely different. It's baffling.

And, since we try to always have a silver lining here, I will say that I love watching games covered by Orsillo and Remy or Mike and Tommy specifically because Remy and Tommy are so blatantly biased toward the teams I like, namely the Sox and the C's. And yes, I realize that those two are at least as crazy as Collinsworth but guess what? They get a free pass here at Mmmm, opinions. Hey, it's not like you're reading something written by a reasonable person. I'm pretty sure the tagline at the top should have clued you in.

I think I'm probably forgetting some people, and there are some guys whose names I don't actually know, so there's room to revisit this topic in the future. I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat with anticipation.

-Jon

PS - Anyone else think Slick will be coming out of retirement before Christmas?

The NCAA is. . .

pretty much Communism (the bad kind).

Cam Newton did the right thing. . . if he took the money of course. To all the indentured servants, otherwise known as college basketball and college footfall athletes, take as much money as you can because the NCAA makes billions of dollars off you. If you think that athletes shouldn't be paid, well then you're a COMMUNIST too. Yup, a red-flag waving, China supporting, Barack Obama loving, Willy Wonka Communist. And here is why.

NCAA Revises History

The most entertaining reason why the NCAA is Communist is that they revise history just like every other Communist country. When an athlete gets caught taking money, the NCAA literally goes into the record books and makes it as if the athlete never existed. This is similar to what the Soviet Union did under Joe Stalin. They would literally erase people from history. Oh, and remember Tiananmen Square? Because the Chinese don't. Why not? Because the government erased it from their history. Does anyone at USC care that Reggie Bush is erased from the record books? No. It's not like all of the sudden USC fans and students are going to forget how awesome it was to have some dude run for like 200 yards a game and help win a national title. Here's an NCAA fun fact: Robert Parish officially never played college basketball! Robert Parish went to Centenary for 4 years, but the school was on probation and was not allowed to keep stats.

NCAA Does Not Pay a Decent Wage

As in Communism, the workers don't get paid well. In fact, in this version of Communism, they don't get paid at all! Do not tell me that the athletes are getting paid in education. D1 FBS players and D1 college basketball players go to school to play sports. Do you think Matt Leinart went to USC because of their awesome business school? Did Joe Forte go to North Carolina because of the cool professors in the art department? No, and yeah, that's right, Joe Forte, former UNC Tarheel and Celtics 1st round draft pick. Anyway, the NCAA signs billion dollar [TV] contracts, and gives the workforce 0 dollars from it. That can't even be argued. The NCAA directly gives zero dollars to the people whom they make their money off of.

NCAA is Not Fair

Jeremy Bloom was a skier and a football player. Bloom was not allowed to play football anymore because he took money from a ski sponsor. Not only did that have nothing to do with football, Bloom was essentially punished for making money without the NCAA getting a cut. Scholarships are also only 1-year deals. The NCAA allows a school to release an athlete from their scholarship for pretty much any reason. So if you play well, you don't make any money. However, if you play poorly, you can theoretically lose your room, board and education? That doesn't seem fair to me.

The NCAA could work if it only governed sports that don't make money, such as Cross Country, Field Hockey, Bowling, Swimming, etc. However, can we stop pretending that football and basketball student-atheletes are students first and athletes second? In reality, we should be calling them athlete-students. As a matter of fact, that's what I'm calling them from now on, and every time I use the word I'm going to get weird looks unless it's someone who reads this. Because people are afraid of change.

Bonus Fact: The word "amateur," as applied to sport, was created by the upper class in Great Britain as a way to create class distinction. The upper class felt as though the lower class wasn't worthy enough to compete with them, so they popularized the term in regards to lower class "athletes."

-Pat the Intern

Phil Simms is . . .

a huge jackass. But if you've ever watched a football game you already know this. My particular problem with Simmy-boy this week, other than his normal jackassery, is that he loves speaking in absurd hypotheticals. Let me explain.

During the Eagles-Colts game in which we were dazzled by the continued genius of Simms' commentary, he was talking about how Michael Vick appears to be a much better passer when he takes a deep dropback because he's not that tall for a quarterback and it gives him a better view of the field. Ok, I can believe that.

But then Phil drops some of the classic made-up stories he's known for. He said, "I hear people saying that Michael Vick doesn't like having pressure in his face. Well no kidding. You show me a quarterback who likes having pressure in his face." Really? Really, Phil? Show me these people who would say something that stupid. "Durrrrrr, that Mike Vick is a better quarterback when he's not getting tackled while he throws it." Thanks for that valuable insight, you fucktard. And here we come to the central outline of Phil Simms' commentary: it starts with Phil making up some absurd statement that nobody would ever say followed by Big Phil saying how ridiculous this made up statement is. And the reason Phil gets away with making an ass out of himself every week? Because he used to play in the National Football League.

This is the problem with pretty much every single commentator that was a former player: you can't possibly know more about their sport because you didn't play it. There's an article over on deadspin.com titled, "My Uncomfortable Encounter with an Angry Joe Morgan" that says it much better than I could. Essentially it comes down to two main points: with a former athlete commentator, you're going to get insight into certain behind the field things that you just can't know unless you've been there. On the other hand, you're going to get some jackass who thinks he knows more about the sport because he played it and you're just some joe-schmo who doesn't know anything. Well, former MMMMOpinion contributor Matt probably knows more about basketball than anyone and he managed to accomplish that without a successful NBA career.

Oh, and that fucker Ron Jaworski should go fuck himself. What an arrogant asshole. Him and Gruden make Monday Night Football practically unwatchable.

-Slick

Michael Jordan. . .

kind of sucks.

Just because Michael Jordan was a great basketball player and a great clutch shooter and a great dunker and a terrible baseball player and has cool shoes and owns the Charlotte Bobcats and starred in a movie with cartoon characters and Danny DeVito and was in a mediocre video game, people think he's a good guy. Well, he's not; he actually kind of sucks. Here's why:

1. He cheats on his wife. This doesn't even bother me anymore. Guys with power and opportunity are going to sleep with tons of women. However, I'll put this in here for all you young romantics out there who think otherwise.

BONUS: BLOG WITHIN A BLOG!

Big Time Athletes (and Jason Varitek) Cheat on Their Wives by Pat the Intern

There comes a time in an athlete's life when he chooses to cheat on his wife. Here is a small sample of men who have done that:

• Jason Varitek
• Allen Iverson
• Tiger Woods
• Michael Jordan
• Steve McNair
• Shaquille O'Neal
• Alex Rodriguez
• Brett Favre
• Kobe Bryant

Pat the Intern is assigning homework to all (Editor's note - both) the Mmmm, opinions loyal readers out there. The assignment is to go out and find more athletes who cheat on their wives. It's easy; I found these 9 by typing in "athletes who cheat on their wives" into Google and picking the nine most famous (except Jason Varitek. I just threw him in there because everyone in New England immortalizes him. In reality, he is a below-average catcher who cheats on his wife with female sideline reporters. Kudos to Tek though; Heidi Watney is pretty hot.). In fact, it is said that around 80% of professional athletes cheat on their wives!

This concludes the blog within the blog.

2. He is a jerk to his fans. I'm sure by now you have all heard the Chamillionaire/Michael Jordan story. Oh, you haven't? Well, here it is. And for those of you too lazy to click the link, rapper Chamillionaire asked to take a picture with Jordan. Jordan said, "I don't take pictures with niggas." Chamillionaire, confused, said, "I just paid $7,000 for your jersey at a charity event." Jordan replied, while laughing, "Tell you what. Give me $15,000 right now and I'll let you take a picture with me."
3. Gambling problems. Jordan is notorious for his gambling problems. In the book Michael and Me: Our Gambling Addiction... My Cry for Help, this real estate guy talks about how Jordan lost over a million dollars to him in golf. It also highlights how Jordan lost like $50,000 to a convicted cocaine dealer in poker. Maybe instead of working on his jump shot, he should've been working on his poker face! ZING!
4. The only thing about basketball he's good at is playing it. The Washington Wizards can thank Jordan for drafting Kwame Brown. They can also thank him for the brilliant trade in which the Wizards got Jerry Stackhouse for Richard Hamilton. These moves led directly to the zero championships the Wizards have compiled over the last 10 years.
5. He is a bitter asshole. Did you hear his Hall of Fame speech? Oh, you didn't? Well, here it is. What a weird speech. He just goes down a list of people he has grudges against. Honestly, who cares that Doug Collins didn't want you to play in the summer league? And even more honestly, who cares about the dude who made the varsity team over you like 32 years ago? Let it go, man. You didn't need to take a shot at the guy either; it's not like it was his choice to put himself on the team over you.

An honorable mention to the fact that he's a bad teammate. He would often yell at the GM and his teammates, and go gambling the night before a playoff game until well after midnight. Anyway, Michael Jordan kind of sucks, and no one should buy his shoes or his Space Jam posters anymore.

-Pat the Intern

This Post is About Sports (This Title is Lame)

I couldn't think of a short, witty title for it. I apologize, because you people deserve better for what you're paying to be here.

There are 2 major sports stories with ties to the MA sports scene that have popped up in the last few days. The first is Randy Moss being released by the Vikings only 4 games after he was traded there. The second is the Kevin Garnett/Charlie Villanueva trash talking cancer incident. Let's go with the not-serious one first.

Most sports fans, sadly, are morons. You've got Pink Sox fans who can't name anyone on the team other than Ortiz and Ellsbury. You've got Yankees fans for whom every discussion about anything baseball related will eventually contain the number 27, despite its irrelevance to said discussion. You've got Patriots "fans" who don't know the first thing about football. You've got Jets fans, period. You've got Rays "fans" who don't show up for the first 81 home games and then all of the sudden are die-hard supporters. No fan base is immune to these jackoffs.

With that being said, you can usually identify these people pretty quickly. For instance, anyone who thought that trading Moss away would make the team better is a moron. In what situation does losing your best (and probably only) deep threat make a football team better? Was it the right move for the team? Maybe. Does it make the team better? Absolutely not.

Once Moss was waived, the Patriots couldn't have claimed him. Well, they could have but it would have been stupid. See, they have the best record, which means that have the last chance for a waiver claim. But if Moss had made it all the way through waivers to the Patriots claim, it would have been more sensible to just sign a new deal with him instead of claiming him and owing him all the remaining money on his current contract. I know, knowing stuff about sports is hard! So the bottom line is that they could possibly have signed Moss back to the team if no one else claimed him off waivers. And that would have meant that they had received a 3rd round draft pick just to play a few games without Moss. Score!

Now the issue because people, usually ignorant ones, blasting Pats fans for being glad that Moss was gone a few weeks ago, and now being psyched that he might be coming back. But there's a simple reason for that: the people who were glad Moss was gone are idiot sheep who just mouth off stupidly or repeat stupid crap they heard somewhere else. They are the sports equivalent of Rush Limbaugh's listeners, and their opinions should be paid just as much attention, i.e. none. Remember that crazy one-hand catch Moss made in the endzone against the Jets? That's reason enough to want him on you team. His presence makes the offense better, especially if that offense starts throwing to him on routes other than 40+ yard fly patterns.

And in related news, since Moss is often referred to as a "clubhouse cancer," let's talk about KG and his alleged comments. Well, I'll talk. You just read.

Charlie Villanueva claimed, over Twitter like a real man, that KG called him a "cancer patient." And then things blew up since without the Brett Favre will-he-or-won't-he-come-back saga, sportswriters don't know what to do with themselves. I think we can immediately dismiss Villanueva's charges based on one obvious fact. Had KG actually said this, it would have contained a lot more f-bombs. Have you ever seen a Celtics game? He swears constantly, almost as much as he breathes. He's like a cursing shark; if he stops, he'll die. There's no way that this comment happened the way Villanueva claims it did. Therefore, it didn't happen at all. QED

So why even claim it happened? Who knows. Maybe Charlie just was mad about the blowout and started running his mouth. Apparently athletes tweet things all the time without thinking first. And without proofreading. I guess that the filter part of your brain turns off when you have millions of dollars and a stream-of-consciousness outlet for your insanity. Or maybe he's trying to get inside KG's head. Or get a bunch of people against KG. Obviously this is going to be dragged out a lot longer than it should be. You can bet that next time the C's are in Detroit, things are going down.

The dumbest thing about this is that, for once, everyone is in agreement that if it did happen, it was terrible. So why even write it? Not a single writer has come out claiming that outlandish and inappropriate trash talking is just part of the NBA. So just let it go! Note - this post doesn't count because I am discussing whether it even happened at all, not whether or not it was bad.

Oh, and Beltre didn't take his option to stay with the Sox, making him a free agent. Damn, he was like their only player not to get hurt last year!

-Jon

Want more Mmmm, opinions quality with less Mmmm, opinions wordiness? Check out @TheRealMrDias on Twitter. Now cancer-patient-reference free for your enjoyment.

Fantasy Football Midseason Update

Fantasy football stories, much like poker stories, are only exciting to the person telling them. However, my stories are awesome by default, so I am hoping that will cancel out the inherent boredom present in any fantasy football discussion.

What that means is that you won't be hearing any stories about how I would have won except that [random running back] didn't get at least 60 rushing yards at home against an in-conference opponent when the gametime temperature was at least 55 degrees with no precipitation for this first time in his career, or how I was down by only a couple points and down to my last receiver in the fourth quarter and he caught a garbage-time touchdown in the last minute to give me the win. Those stories suck, and no one wants to hear that. Instead, you can listen to me being ridiculous.

Hands down, the best thing about fantasy football is that it gives me more random people to yell at on the TV. Normally, I have to reserve my senseless nonsense for the Red Sox, the bitchy people on My First Place or House Hunters who complain about everything and want to buy a $500,000 house with a $275,000 budget, and any commercial which makes no sense (i.e., all of them). Now I can not only root against Eli Manning, I can get actively annoyed when he throws the ball because those are valuable points that could have gone to Brandon Jacobs. Or Brandon Jackson. Whichever one is the guy on the Giants that I ruefully picked up last week. Dammit, Eli, you're ruining everything!

Another fun thing is trash talking. After 5 weeks, I was tied for last place, and even that didn't stop me from running my mouth. I was like a Jets fan. Sure, they've only won 1 Super Bowl (and that was like the 3rd one) and sure, they have a losing record for the career of the franchise, but that's not going to stop their fans from mouthing off like stupid jackasses every year. I should probably go bet on the Jets to win the Super Bowl this year, since writing that last sentence pretty much guarantees that they're going to win it. Stupid Jets.

At this point, Final Fantasy Football is 3-4 and on a 2-game winning streak. And no matter what, there are 7 more weeks of yelling at Drew Brees to stop throwing the football to the other team. With any luck, a playoff bid is within reach, which will add two extra weeks and maybe even end up with my team winning it all, setting off a chain reaction of trash talking that will extend all the way until next season. Stay tuned.

-Jon

Appropriate Spectating

I would think that this would be obvious to everyone, but after a few seasons of officiating (and the resulting large amount of matches that I've attended), I have learned that many people are not aware of the proper times to trash talk when spectating. Hopefully this will clear things up for everyone so that I don't have to watch such embarrassing displays of fan ineptitude.

First of all, let's get one thing straight: the chant "We can't hear you!! <clap, clap, clap clap clap>" doesn't make any kind of sense at all, especially when the other fans aren't saying anything. I could understand it if maybe one group of fans starting cheering, and then the other group chants over them, but not when one group of fans is not saying anything. Obviously if they aren't making noise, you will be unable to hear them. It's like going to a Tampa Bay Rays game and chanting "We can't see you!!" Of course you can't see them: they aren't there because Rays "fans" don't show up until the playoffs. So please, stop with the stupid senseless chants. Try some creativity, or just stick with ol' reliable, "Let's go [someone]!" At least the people you're cheering for won't think you've been struck by some kind of organic brain dysfunction.

As stupid as that last chant was, this other offense is even worse. Before you decide on what to start yelling, take a look at the scoreboard. Hypothetically speaking of course, if your team is down, say, 2 sets already and is losing in the 3rd set, it's probably not time to start trash talking. It makes you look stupid (since you clearly have no idea what's going on), and it sets up the other fans to mock your stupidity. In this case, you can still cheer positively for your team, or you have to resort to the low blow of mocking the other team's players. Of course, the latter one there makes you look like a jackass in addition to your aforementioned stupidity. So tread carefully.

I hope that you have been lucky enough to avoid these fans. However, if you know anyone like this, or encounter them in the future, you can now direct them to this post in hopes of educating them. Together we can make the (sports) world a better place.

-Jon

Football Betting Systems are. . .

a giant scam. You should probably just give me your money instead if you are using one. At least with my way, I get the money, and maybe I'll use it to buy you something.*

Bill Simmons of ESPN (a Bill Simmons that I am not related to, just so we're clear) wrote a giant column last week about his new plan for picking winners. And of course I read it because 1) if I'm trying to be a writer, I might as well read as much as I can to learn what to do and not to do and 2) what do I have going on that is more important than reading random nonsense? So he's got a system, which he tweaks constantly. His system is basically the betting equivalent of this site: you really never know what is going to remain consistent from week to week. Don't try to pigeonhole me!!

Well guess what. After his long offseason of coming up with all sorts of elaborate rules and "wrinkles" for his system, you'd figure he'd be coming out swinging for the fences in Week 1, right? Maybe an 11-5 record, or something like that? Nope. 7-7-2. Basically a .500 if you discount the 2 ties, which were coming no matter who you bet in those games (Saints/Vikings and Rams/Cardinals), so you can't get credit or demerits for them. I figure those are approximately the same results I would have gotten if I had used Odin and Chloe in some sort of elaborate pug-picking system based on which one of them barked first at various television stimuli like random Boston Celtics, the dog from the Gary Rome ads, and polar bears. Actually, I might do that next week since it's too late to try it this week. Pups, you've got a lot of pressure on you. Hope you can handle it.

Know what would have been a good "system" to use last week? Picking the home team. For every single game. Including the spreads, this would have led to a record of 10-4-2, which, had you bet $100 on every game, would have earned you $600. And that's a lot of money. That system would have gotten you a record of 156-111 for the entire 2009-2010 season, which, again, leads to a lot of income. And if you had just picked whichever team had a better record each game (which I like to call my "March Madness" system, and it fails miserably for college basketball) and picked the home team if they were tied, you would have had an even more impressive record of 167-100. Even more money! (Note - those both include all the playoff games as well.)

So what is the point of all of this? I need a bookie. Or to move closer to Vegas. Unless Foxwoods has a sportsbook? I think I am passing up a valuable income stream here.

-Jon

* No I won't.