Commercials are . . .

the worst thing about television. I'm not a marketing major but as I understand it commercials are supposed to make a person interested in buying a product. Therefore, if I were making a commercial the only goal I would have would be to not make people hate this commercial. Unfortunately, it appears you only need a 3rd grade education in order to produce commercials. Without further adieu, these are some commercials that I hate:

The Kobe/LeBron puppets
I don't get it. Why are puppet versions of Kobe and LeBron trying to sell me sneakers? Also, why are they retarded? They don't sound like Kobe or LeBron, they don't really look like Kobe or LeBron, and I don't have any confirmation of this but I assume they don't smell like Kobe or LeBron (Nike wouldn't answer my e-mails). Kobe looks like the Count from Sesame Street, you know, if black people other than Wesley Snipes could be vampires. Which reminds me, if you haven't seen it already go over to youtube and look for "The Count Censored." It's pretty funny. But back to the lecture at hand, I believe the most recent "Most Retarded Puppets" commercial is the one where Count Kobe is rapping about his shoe. I'm not sure when puppets and rap music were combined, but Sesame Street must be way more hood than when I was a child. Anyway, Kobe's rapping about how good his shoe is and how many rings he has when completely out of nowhere, his shoe catches on fire. Why would someone want a shoe that spontaneously combusts? I don't know, but my guess is that's the quality you can expect when you exploit cheap Chinese labor.

Dennis Leary and Howie Long Pickup Truck Commercials
Hey Dennis Leary, I have listening skills. I know how to hear things. If I wanted to read what you were saying, I would have turned on closed captions. I don't need you to put the words on the screen. Somehow I manage to watch anything else on television and survive without the words being on the screen at the same time. What am I, four fucking years old? I don't need words and sounds and bright colors all at the same time. Four-year-olds don't go out and buy your stupid Ford F-150's you stupid fuck. And neither will I. Fuck you.
And fuck you too Howie Long. You offer to help that guy but all you do is grab his tape measurer and walk backwards. HOW IS THAT HELPFUL? Then you make a stupid joke like, "Don't blame the carpenter, blame the tool." How about I blame you? Yeah, I guess you were good at football at some point but you're a fucktard. Don't come near me or my tape measurer.

Geico Cavemen Commercial
Saving money with Geico is so easy a caveman could do it. I get it. I got it six years ago (that's right SIX) when you started these stupid commercials. I got it when the caveman was at the airport. I got it when he was bowling. I got it when one of the cavemen switched to Geico and all the other cavemen got mad at him. I got it when somehow these jackoffs spawned their own tv series. Yeah, someone will throw away money on a tv show about cavemen but no one wants to give Jon and me some money to open up our own chain of burger restaurants. That seems fair. But you know what I don't get? Who the fuck still lives in a cave? I'm not exactly sure where the phrase "It's so easy a caveman could do it" came from, but Geico should team up with Nike and switch it to "It's so easy that these retarded puppets can do it."

Feel free to head over to facebook and leave the commercials that you hate on my wall. Or you could become our first follower. This is sure to become a running post as there is no shortage of stupid commercials.

-Slick