Even More Commercials I Hate

The last day of the month seemed like a perfect opportunity to get out some good old fashioned hate and I HATE commercials. Seriously, it should not be this difficult to make a decent commercial. Do people actually like these? Is it just me? Who thought they were a good idea? I don't know, but here's me yelling about stuff.

Domino's Pizza:
I was angry enough when they decided that their new ad campaign would be "Hey our Pizza used to taste like shit but trust us, it tastes REALLY good now." Well fuck you Domino's because I'm not buying it, and that refers to your shitty advertising campaign and your shitty pizza. I remember eating Domino's in freshman year of high school and thinking that it tasted like ketchup on cardboard . . . and that was 8 years ago. So like I said, their shitty campaign would be enough to receive my wrath, but then they decided to go after my beloved Papa John's. Have you ever had Papa John's? It's so freaking good. But that smug fucknut tries to tell me that their slogan is puffery. Do you think I give a shit? I just want good pizza. I haven't tried your new shit pizza because I assume it still tastes like dick but how DARE you insult my beloved Papa John. You're damn right I used beloved again. That pizza is the fuckin tits. Oh what's that? You have a chart that says more people like Domino's than Papa John's? I'm sure you couldn't have just made that up. So fuck you Domino's.

John Hancock Investments:
I'm pretty sure these are the commercials where some douchebag is sitting somewhere like a coffee shop or a train and they get some stupid message from some idiot concerned about their future. "How do we get back from WILL WE retire to WHEN WE retire?" Are you seriously going to text someone that? Well I'm glad you lost all your money because you fucking annoy me. I've admitted that I'm pretty easily annoyed, but I absolutely despise these commercials. I hate that stupid alert sound that goes off. Thanks buddy, I'm trying to enjoy my coffee and I have to listen to your stupid fucking phone going off. This review kind of sucks so I'm just going to move on to something else. I'll probably edit it but for now my angry incoherent writing will have to suffice. I might actually have to do some research on this one but you can tell that my hate is in the right spot.

AT&T and Verizon Commercials:
Apparently they've both decided that the best way to ensure that I choose Boost Mobile when my contract runs up is to annoy the fuck out of me with maps. I forget which one started this ridiculous map bullshit but I think it was Verizon. Let's see, they have the stupid one where the kid sits in front of the TV, they have the one where the two guys are speed skating and one wins because he has Verizon because that fucking makes sense, and then there's the one where the guys are at a coffee shop and they can't send in their report because they don't have Verizon. Well why don't you work at a fucking office or at home like normal people. But then AT&T decided that they would one-up Verizon by getting Luke Wilson's fatter older brother to do their commercials. He says some stuff and their map falls apart, he says some stuff and tosses some postcards, he says some stuff and ruins a perfectly nice stack of minutes. Here's the thing and I want both of you to listen up: I don't live in the middle of fucking nowhere, you know, relatively speaking. I really don't care if either of you work in West Buttfuck, Wyoming. Just tell me if . . . fuck it, I really just don't care.

As an interesting side not, I just saw a commercial saying that the Olympics are coming soon. Not difficult to see why NBC lost a little bit of money covering the Olympics.

-Slick