The Behemoth

It's a movie review extravaganza, but don't worry, I'm not going to put you through that much enjoyment. I'm going to legitimately review Sherlock Holmes and then I'm going to make some comments about Star Trek, X2: X-Men United, and the much anticipated Transformers 2 bashing. I'm also going to throw in some random observations and casual swearing; you know, the usual. Fortunately . . . or unfortunately . . . I'm not sure, but whatever the case I don't have any new tweaks this time around. Get your popcorn ready, this may be my longest blog post ever. And that's saying something.

1. Sherlock Holmes: I have to admit, I didn't think I was going to like Sherlock Holmes. The commercials made it look like it would contain a lot of physical comedy and although I'm not some sort of Sherlock Holmes enthusiast, I didn't like the direction that it appeared the movie was going to take. Also, I didn't know if I would believe Robert Druggy Jr. as Sherlock Holmes. And for the first 30 minutes I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it. But as the old saying goes, "Hey fuckhead, why don't you finish the movie before you judge it?" So let's see how I ended up feeling. Question 1: Would I watch this movie again? Fuck yeah. Question 2: Would I have been mad had I seen this movie in theaters? Fuck no. Question 3: Does this movie make sense? Fuck yeah. Question 4: Was this movie predictable? Fuck . . . well yes and no. There were a lot of twists at the end which I really enjoyed but you always knew, or should have known, how the movie was ultimately going to end. And yeah, I'm intentionally being ambiguous with that last sentence because I want to keep this movie completely unspoiled for anyone that hasn't seen it. Sherlock Holmes earns my first ever "Must Watch" so if you haven't seen "No Shit Sherlock" yet, you should stop what you're doing and go do it. Well, finish this post first. Then go do it. My only problem with this movie is that they occasionally spoke too quickly for me to know what they were saying, which was kind of annoying, but not enough for me to lower my ranking at all. I, Slick, have almost nothing bad to say about this movie. So you know it must be good. Snap-a-do.

Ranking: Level 1, Must Watch. But I already said that. But it's a positive post. So I feel I should reiterate that I actually liked something. And I really liked Sherlock Holmes.

2. X2: X-Men United: I'm not sure, I just didn't like this movie. Matt thinks it's decent, I think it sucks. Wolverine is super gay, not at all like the badass Wolverine from the cartoons. Cyclops, stupid. Magneto, not terrifying like he should be. Mystique, I don't remember her from the cartoons but Rebecca Romjin is hot so that's a plus. Rogue sucks (Why is she so fucking useless?), Charles Xavier sucks, Jean Gray is stupid and that sucks because the actress that plays her is pretty hot. Basically, I enjoyed nothing about this movie . . . except the hot actresses. The guy that plays William Striker (a disgrace to the name William by the way) is the old man bad guy from the first 2 Bourne movies, but I don't buy him as like a military supergenius mastermind. So that bothered me. Matt says this movie is watchable if you have nothing better to do, but I don't even give it that much credit. I would never watch this movie again. So if you don't like it, write your own opinion. I, on the other hand, think it sucks. Ranking: Level 4, very unimpressive but not bad enough to enter the danger zone.

3. Star Trek: This isn't one of the really nerdy Star Treks, this one allows you to both like the movie and like girls at the same time. It's a real win-win. I really really like this movie. There must be something wrong with me, that's two "Must Watch" movies in the same post. Quickly running through my questions, I would absolutely watch this movie again and because I own it, I just might; I did see this movie in theaters and in no way regretted spending my hard earned Randall's money; it made sense, as long as you're willing to accept certain time traveling details; and finally, it's not that predictable which I enjoyed. Like I said, I really like this movie. So if you haven't seen it, borrow it from me. Because it's a must watch. That and Sherlock Holmes. You now have two movies highly recommended by the Big Dawg.

Before I get to my last review I would like to say something about driving behind a school bus: it's the worst thing ever. I'm usually not a terrible person, not a great one, but not terrible. But there's something about driving behind a bus that makes me want to murder a group of school children. Maybe that stupid fucking group that just got off the bus. Move your stupid asses and get across the fucking street. I don't have 5 seconds to wait for you to say goodbye to one another. It's Tuesday, you'll see each other tomorrow. Fucking douches. I'm a very busy man, so get out of my fucking way. When I have kids they better not suck because I am not going to put up with that shit. Also, I don't want to have a daughter because, and how do I put this nicely, it would send me to an early grave. And yes, I do mean that it's because too many girls are huge sluts. Hopefully having boys runs in the Dias blood.

4. Transformers 2: I'll admit that this movie was better than I remembered it, but I still think that it's fucking stupid. Spoiler Alert: my rage will be filled with plot details so proceed at your own risk. But can you really spoil something this stupid? There are just too many things that don't make sense for me to like this movie. First, Shia Lebouf drops a piece of the giant cube from the first one and all the little appliances like a toaster or blender suddenly turn into a little Decepticon fucking army. Why were they suddenly evil? I'm not sure. Second, Shia goes to college and there's this really hot chick that wants to get all up in his cabbage patch. Fine, but then it turns out she's a Decepticon in a fucking human disguise. But she's the only thing in the movie with this ability. If I'm a Decepticon I'm sending an entire fake human army to Earth but that's just me. Alright, so then the Decepticons find out where the last piece of the cube is, not the piece that Shia has, because they sent one of their buddies, Starscream I think, to assfuck a satellite. Or hack into it. It was hard to tell. So Johnny Rapist finds out where the last shard is and shoots a missile to the beach of the island where the shard is, and it turns into a robot tiger or something catlike. So Sheeba runs over to a vent and throws up a bunch of little ball bearing things, which after falling through a pipe turn into a bunch of really small Decepticons which then combine into a bigger but razor thin Decepticon which steals the piece of shard. My question is this: why not just use these things to kill a shitload of human beings? (The metric equivalent of 3 buttloads) I think Optimus Prime would surrender if I killed like 100,000 humans and no one could figure out how. And speaking of Optimus, how the fuck is Megatron in this movie? If I'm Optimus Prime, at the end of the first movie I'm like, "Hey don't drop him into the middle of the ocean, let me rip his fucking head off." Because, as you know, that's the way Slick rolls. Remember when they had him stored at the Hoover Dam and that didn't work? Well why the fuck would he be safe at the bottom of the fucking ocean? "Oh well, he's really far down there." HE'S A FUCKING GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOT!!! The regular rules don't apply. Moving on, so then there's this giant Decepticon made up of like 18 trucks which two little racist robots and Bumblebee manage to distract . . . i guess with their blatant racism. Then the little racist ones just disappear, I'm not making that up, they're just gone and there's no explanation where they went. Just gone. And Bumblebee leaves to help Shia not get crushed by a robot, which he should've just done in the first place instead of making Shia and Megan run across a live battlefield for like an hour, but instead he decided to stay to try to take on the Truckfucker. That's what I've named him. So Truckfucker, apparently unphased, goes to uncover the sun sucking machine by ripping apart one of the Pyramids. That's right. One of the most popular ruins for archaeologists actually has a secret giant sun sucking machine. Which no one ever found. Bullshit. Meanwhile, Shia's running across a battlefield where I believe I counted 15 Decepticons, not counting Megatron, Starscream or the Fallen, who just sucks. But there's only like 10 Autobots tops, and since humans are fucking useless, they're hopelessly outnumbered. Then Shia meets with like the ghosts of the original Transformers (who knew?) and they give him the Matrix of Leadership in order to revive Optimus. Back at Pyramid, there's a ship sitting in the Red Sea and they have a rail gun which they only now decide to use to shoot Truckfucker. And then he's just gone. Because he fell down the Pyramid. He may have been buried by debris. I don't know. Nevertheless, If I have that rail gun I'm blasting it all over the fucking place. I don't care what I hit. I have a fucking rail gun. Try and stop me. But the U.S. Navy has to be slightly more responsible than me. So then Optimus combines with the parts from a really old Decepticon that switched sides and kicks the shit out of the Fallen, but no one checks to make sure Megatron is dead. Everyone celebrates like they've accomplished something, but what they really accomplished was to piss me off. On the plus side, Megan Fox's boobs look great, but still, fuck that, I hate this movie.

And I was just kidding about calling most girls huge sluts. Clearly I don't mean that.

All girls are huge sluts.

-Slick