I don't know if it's because of my sweet position as a teacher or not, but there is one thing that I hear said so frequently that I need to complain about it before my brain explodes in the world's first quadruple aneurysm. However, I will offer suggested alternatives and acceptable use policies because at Mmmm, Opinions, we're here to help. Well, sometimes. Some things are beyond even our incredible abilities, like the Cleveland Orchestra or pretty much anything that Tim Burton gets his crazy hands on.
"I'm not gonna lie. . . ."
Actual real life example-
"I'm not gonna lie; it's really hot outside."
Oh, you don't feel the need to lie about the current status of the weather? How kind of you. But more importantly, do you often attempt to fool people with fake weather reports? People who start sentences by telling me that they aren't going to lie immediately call into question every other thing they have said during that conversation. Why did they feel the need to tell me that they are not lying in this specific instance? Have all the other statements been lies, so they have to make sure that I know that this one is not? You shady bastards!
Other examples of this foolishness include things like "I'm not gonna lie, but I don't like her" or "I'm not gonna lie; I am starving." First of all, the word "but" has no business in that first sentence under any conceivable grammatical circumstances. Secondly, I can't figure out any situations where anyone would feel the need to lie about who they like (since this is clearly behind their back) or their current hunger status. Finally, I still don't think it's necessary to declare when you are telling the truth. Maybe from now on, I will start my lies with "I'm not gonna be honest. . . ."
I will admit that I have found myself using this expression from time to time. Part of this is because I am a liar, so I actually do have to clarify my truths. Another part of it is that I hear it so much, it's become ingrained in my brain and I have to drink beer to kill the specific brain cells where it is located. And the final part is that I am also apparently a jackass. So be it. I will try harder in the future to lance this boil from my English repertoire.
Now, I am giving "I'm not gonna lie" a really hard time here, but I should also include its friend "I'll be honest" since that is equally stupid. Seriously. Just stop. The next time you are about to start a sentence with either of these phrases, try not to do it and see if anyone notices and complains. They won't.
Alright, it's time to make things better. I will be using a silly example to illustrate appropriate and inappropriate usage of these expressions. Please take notes, as there will be a quiz later. As in, the next time I hear you use one of these expressions, it better be a valid usage unless you want to burn in Language Usage Hell.
How many times has Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France?
Wrong negative response: I'm not gonna lie, but I think it's 6. (What are you not lying about? Were you originally planning to claim you thought it was 10 even though you didn't, and then you changed your mind about lying? I don't get it. And no, I have not heard this specific sentence, but I have heard things that are logically equivalent.)
Correct negative response: I'll be honest; I don't really follow cycling. (Nice work!)
Also acceptable: I'm not gonna lie; I literally have no idea. (This is the correct response if you are widely regarded as a liar.)
Wrong positive response: I'm not gonna lie; he's won 7. (There is no additional information given with the first part of that response. So cut the shit!)
Correct positive response (uncertain): I think he's won 7, but I'm honestly not sure. (This sentence is less acceptable if written in the opposite order.)
Correct positive response (certain): He's won 7. (No stupid introduction to the sentence.)
Hopefully I will not have to hear "I'm not gonna lie" 10+ times a day any more. I'll be honest with you; it's starting to get annoying. Yeah, see what I did there?
Now, in the interest of fairness, here are a few occasions that I can think of that allow the use of every idiot's favorite expression.
"I'm not gonna lie; I'm drunk!" This is ok, because drunk people are allowed to be foolish. It's also a good idea to beckon someone over and whisper the first part in their ear, then yell the second part just to mess with them.
"I'm not gonna lie; I didn't do my homework." I would rather hear this than hear that someone's homework is on their desk at home for the 247th time. I bet most of those kids don't even have a desk! Lying jerks.
That's pretty much it. I now envision a future where I hear nothing but "I'm not gonna lie" from the people who read this. And I'm not gonna lie; someone is gonna get choked.
-Jon
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