Batman Returns is . . .

I'm not really sure yet because I'm still watching it. I think this may be the first ever live opinion. Here at MMMM Opinions we're all about innovating, so every time I have something to say I'm going to pause the movie and write it down. Hopefully it goes well. Why Batman Returns? Netflix recommended it to Matt and that's good enough for me.

3 minutes - Ok, I've already got a couple things to say. Why is it that whenever someone has a monster child to destroy they just put it in a river and assume it dies? Like the Oedipus story, instead of killing Oedipus his father trusts someone else to do it by like leaving him at the base of a mountain or something dumb like that. Yeah, no way that plan fails. I can't envision a situation where I would need to kill a child, but if it somehow comes up, I'm going to make sure that it's actually dead. I'm not going to pull a Homer "Beer Baron" Simpson. "I forgot to check if the coast is clear. Eh, it probably is."

Early Predictions: I'm guessing that the baby turns out to be Batman. Seems like the logical conclusion. Also, it's a Tim Burton film so I now have really low expectations.

5:30 - Penguins? Really? He was just in a fucking sewer.

9:30 - These giant spinning cats are really creepy but totally fit in with everything Tim Burton does. That one trick asshole.

10:30 - Max Shreck, played by Christopher Walken, is apparently one of the richest men in the city and is just chucking presents into the crowd, but there's only like 100 people there?

13:00 - Why does every Tim Burton movie have to be weird as shit? This a Batman movie. Maybe I'm slightly biased because Batman Begins and The Dark Knight are my favorite movies ever, but why is there a giant present with motorcycles coming out of it. If the Joker is in this movie then it might make sense, but still, Tim Burton you can go suck one. This is just fucking absurd.

16:00 - The classic Batmobile does look pretty sick even if it's not a tank. And it poops fire.

22:00 - Toxic waste. Contained safely in a thermos? Danny DeVito is absolutely crushing this scene.

30:00 - There are a lot of weird human-animal interactions going on here. Cats are much more organized than I thought they were. This is somewhat terrifying. Also, this movie apparently came from an era when sexual harassment was still funny, or as I like to call them, the good old days. She seems to be taking this whole "My boss tried to kill me by shoving me out a window" thing a little too seriously. I would still rather work for Max Shreck than Anna Randall. Finally, the monkey from the car commercials where "How you like me now? How you like me now?" is playing in the background, I think it's for Kia, just got stabbed and put in a garbage disposal. Pretty exciting scene.

35:35 - What the fuck just happened? A back-flipping lunatic just stole a baby because after yesterday's attack, there's no need for improved security. Tim Burton fucking sucks.

44:00 - Ummmmmmmm when did she get ninja training?

52:25 - Every scene in this movie is ridiculously awkward. However, "I'd like to fill her void" and "That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen" are pretty great sexual euphemisms. Especially if you have another man's nose still in your teeth. So this wasn't a complete waste. Also, if the sewer dwelling Penguin wants to stop global warming, and this movie came in 1992, how can Republicans still not believe it exists? I'm guessing Max Shreck votes Retard . . . I mean Republican.

1 hour - so I'm at the halfway point. Batman's been on the screen for less than 5 minutes but he did just blow a guy up with some dynamite. Catwoman just blew up a store. And the Penguin just took off with his helicopter parasol. It's a shock that they made a new one. Kind of like how they're redoing Spiderman after Tobey McGwire's awesome performances.

This movie is really creepy . . . and awful. "Just the pussy I've been looking for." Really?

1:27:00 - Instead of going through the elaborate scheme of trying to remote control drive the Batmobile, why didn't he just put a bomb in the car? In both of the new Batman movies, they explained why Raz or the Joker wouldn't just kill Batman, but why wouldn't the Penguin just blow him up? "He didn't even lose a limb." You want him dead? Bomb. Boom. Roasted.

1:41:00 - The master plan to capture all of the first born sons of Gotham is executed by using . . . a fucking train? This movie has been 100 minutes of crap but this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Why doesn't someone just walk outside and stop them. THEY'RE ON THE FUCKING STREET! Just go get them! Oh good it's Batman but how is he going to foil such an ingenious plan?

1:42:50 - Ok the penguin army is pretty sick. It makes absolutely no sense, but I want one.

Batman Returns is . . . Holy shit, that was the worst thing I've ever seen.

-Slick